


Both Sides Now

by sinfuldesire_archivist



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe, Drama, Established Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-01-22
Updated: 2009-06-23
Packaged: 2018-09-03 14:27:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 110,628
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8717437
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sinfuldesire_archivist/pseuds/sinfuldesire_archivist
Summary: Jared is Jensen's world and that world is about to be insidiously threatened. Through the nightmare, will their children and relationship be enough to see them through, or is it time to accept things will never be the same again? (Warnings- this is a fiction dealing with life threatening illness.)(Also, if it matters to you, bottomjared and TopJensen)(thanks to imogen_lily from livejournal for letting me take on her plot and start this fiction.She also made the banner!!!  And for being my beta. Thank you!)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the Sinful Desire archivists: this story was originally archived at [Sinful-Desire.org](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Sinful_Desire). To preserve the archive, we began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2016. We e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact us using the e-mail address on [Sinful Desire collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/sinfuldesire/profile).
> 
>  **Author's notes:** [](http://s227.photobucket.com/albums/dd203/persephoneofceres/?action=view%C2%A4t=BothSidesNow.jpg)

“Are you ready for this?”

 

Within the interior of the bulky SUV, Jensen asked the question softly, his hands loose around the steering wheel. He looked to his husband sitting in the passenger seat, Jared’s grin coming out to play. Jensen laughed back at that smile, mock-trepidation evident. A small grin played over his lips, a brow cocked for Jared’s response.

 

“Are *you*?”

 

Jared smiled at Jensen, knowing full well they were doing this despite all misgivings. Yeah, they had both put in a long day at their separate jobs but that did not excuse them from a promise made over the weekend. Good thing they had coffee on the way over.

 

“Daddy! Papa!” 

 

The twins chorused from the backseat, knowing they were being teased. Waiting for their fathers to get a move on already. They wanted to spend their Christmas money from their grandparents and they had been promised. Jared turned and looked back at his boys, seeing their expectant faces light up. It struck him all the time how cute the two ‘mini Jensen’s’ were. They both had Jensen’s blonde hair, faint freckles, wide green eyes and irrepressible smile. Jared’s soft spot for Jensen easily spilled over to their children, sometimes to the point that he had to remember they could survive being told ‘no’. Jensen was a lot better at that part. Jensen often joked it was simply because Jared was just a big kid himself, which caused Jared to stick his tongue out in revenge and lead to mock-fighting – and much later -usually very real-sex.

 

The two fathers worked efficiently as a team. Jensen stood with the twins, unbuckling Maggie, their nine-month old baby from her car seat, while Jared went to retrieve a cart. Maggie had Jared’s full head of dark curls, falling over the silken sweep of her forehead. Her eyes were shaped like Jared’s but were coffee dark. Maggie had her surrogate mother, Sophia’s eyes, but as Jensen often said , Jared and Soph could be mistaken for brother and sister. It was hardly an issue. Jensen rearranged Maggie’s hat over her ears, since she kept pushing it off every chance she had. He knew the twins were chomping at the bit, wanting to get inside already. Jensen watched Jared pulling a cart from the corral, admiring his husband openly. There was no hiding how much he loved watching Jared move, especially when Jared wasn’t aware he was being watched. Knowing that every inch of the man belonged to him. Jensen could appreciate the view. Jared was tall, almost ridiculously so, not overly muscled but lithe. Jared possessed a light that radiated from the inside out, making him draw attention wherever he went.

 

Jared saw his husband’s appraising look and dipped his chin, blushing even after their many years together. Jensen’s hot smile could almost make him trip over his own feet. It wasn’t really fair. Jared saw the twins each grab opposite sides of the cart, knowing the drill. Their fathers were very protective and they never let the boys run wild through stores unattended. The twins might be able to get away with a lot, but in public, they had to behave. That was non-negotiable and both boys knew it. 

 

Jared got the car seat out and left the frame behind, fitting the cradle part into the cart’s seat, before Jensen was tucking Maggie inside. 

 

“Alright, alright…quit tugging the cart.” Jensen muttered at his boys, seeing identical innocent looks. Jensen simply rolled his eyes at the well practiced response from the twins. 

 

He winked to Caleb and saw his kid blink both eyes back. Caleb was still working on his wink, whereas Mac, short for Cormac - which was only used when he was in trouble (which was fairly frequently) , had it down to a fine art. Cormac was already moving onto trying to emulate Jared’s puppy looks that worked on Jensen so well most of the time. Except Cormac didn’t have Jared’s ‘puppy dog’ eyes to make it happen. Jensen didn’t have the heart to break it to the little schemer. 

 

The family made it in the doors of Wal-Mart, the children not needing the complimentary stickers offered to them. The twins were too big for that sort of thing and Maggie would just try to eat a sticker. In short order, Jared and Jensen had the twins delivered to the toy department. After the boys started looking at everything that caught their interest, Jared was the one best at reminding them of what they already had at home. What toys had been broken or they hadn’t really been thrilled with before. This was a real gift in Jensen’s estimation because otherwise the boys would be ticked off over their haul in the aftermath. Jared was with the kids the most since Jensen worked as the town sheriff. He kept later and longer hours than his husband.

 

Jared worked at the local day care, ran by Samantha Ferris. Samantha was married to Jared’s older brother Jeff. It was a May-December sort of relationship, Sam being ten years older than Jeff, but Jeff was more than happy. Sam and Jeff seemed to revel in being able to take off at a moment’s notice to go for a long weekend or vacation, balancing out their romantic life with their work very well. They did not have children but were always surrounded with them all the same. Since Samantha ran a daycare and Jeff was a doctor, general practitioner, they both were more than satisfied with that when it came to having their fix of kids. They still loved looking after their nephews and niece, and the kids adored their aunt and uncle. Samantha embodied the earth mother, really, being very calm and loving. Jeff had a perma-grin to rival Jared’s own, and that was saying something. None of the Padalecki kids had what you’d call a ‘conventional’ marriage. 

 

Jared’s younger sister Megan came the closest so to speak, having married a piercing and tattoo artist that pretty much made her a living model for his craft. She had pierced just about everything and was not shy about telling all about it. Despite this and her frequently dyed hair, she still loved dressing up and usually looked like a punk fairy princess next to her rockabilly mate, but she still went to her college classes and aced them. There was no shirking off in her goals to be an architect, which Ricky fully supported her in. Jensen had no problems with Megan and her husband Ricky. They were good people, working on having their own kids someday and they didn’t have a problem babysitting, which also made them awesome in Jared’s book.

 

 

Sometimes he wanted his husband all to himself, and that was a treat with being family men. Jensen had not been completely gung-ho about having kids. He was content with his husband, wanting to spend his free time with Jared. Jared though- and Jensen blamed the daycare- really wanted a family. Desperately wanted kids. Enough to suggest adoption. Fostering. *Anything*. Jensen knew a little part of him had anticipated being jealous over sharing Jared’s time, affection and love. It was worth being selfish over. Being loved by Jared was amazing. He never loved by halves. He had a boundless amount of love to give, and it was all unconditional. However, once they started looking into their options it became a goal for Jensen. 

 

Soon after they’d came together Jared had told Jensen his desire for children, a real family that he could love and grow with, and truthfully, he always knew Jared would make an awesome father. 

 

In the end, it was simple: children were important to Jared and Jensen wanted his husband happy.

 

Despite talking about adoption and fostering, Jensen and Jared had eventually settled on trying IVF, and if that didn’t work out, they would try adoption. 

 

They found their way through IVF, a surrogate mother delivering the twins and later Maggie, wanting their third child to be as closely related as possible. 

 

When their mutual friend Sophia had asked them, privately, about being a surrogate mother, Jared had surprisingly been the one to hesitate. Not that he did not want what she offered, but he had to state his feelings. His terms. He wanted the children to be absolutely his and Jensen’s. No confusion. No potential custody issues later. Jared was very clear about that. He could not handle the threat of ever having his small children taken from him or possibly having a situation arise wherein he or Jensen could not make the decisions necessary medically or otherwise. Sophia had taken their concerns to heart, answering their questions with all the compassion she had, and that was a lot. The young woman had grown up with Jensen- and loved Jared. Jared was Sophia’s husband’s friend, it just seemed to fit into place in her mind. She could give them what they wanted and they could trust her. She relieved them of having to ask by suggesting herself that they make official documents to show the children were solely Jared and Jensen’s. No confusion there. She wanted to be the way they had children- but not the mother to their babies. The babies would have two very capable parents. That was as it should be.

 

Once they had the twins, Jensen melted, not feeling in the least shoved out or put aside. The twins simply enhanced and strengthened their love for each other. He wasn’t sure the exact moment he turned into gloop holding his sons, but he knew it didn’t take long. His love for his children was just a natural extension of his love for Jared. Loving Jared had come so easy to Jensen it still took his breath away to remember seeing his husband for the first time.

 

Jared had been Mr. Straight A student all through school and into his college days, dating girls and going through them like a scythe. Not in a bad way, he was always a gentleman and stayed close friends with almost all the girls he dated, it was more that not one of the girls were quite right and Jared couldn’t see himself settling down with any of them. Until Jensen. The day Jensen had spied the college boy walking down the street? The young ,then , deputy had felt his first impact of really wanting. Knowing the boy with the coltish build was not meant for anyone but him. Jensen had no idea as to Jared’s sexual orientation. He didn’t care. He was going to pursue Jared as he would any lover. If Jared proved to be straight, Jensen would just find a way to put some kinks in him. Jensen had never seen another person that made him feel a ‘pull’ before. Not like this. He felt like a part of him came uncaged and had to go to Jared, touch and smell him. Own him.

 

Jared’s long dark hair had begged for Jensen’s hands, making the older man intensely aware of how far he’d go to get a taste of the laughing mouth he could not look away from. Stunning his partner at the time, Jensen had left the squad car with Chris Kane behind the wheel. Chris watched Jensen as he would any madman, for all the good his baffled look did. Jensen was oblivious. Chris had never seen anything like it before. Jensen was so not *that* guy to throw caution to the wind. From what Chris had seen, Jensen had kept himself happy enough with one night stands or casual hook-ups where the only thing they talked about was where to do it. No shame in that, Chris understood. Their schedules did not always make for good relationships. But Jensen running down some random kid? Chris had yelled at him, wanting to know what his problem was. Kane sure did not expect to see the usually taciturn Jensen Ackles loping down the street to catch up to some gawky kid in baggy jeans and a hooded sweatshirt. But that’s what happened. That was how Jensen met Jared, and from then on it was like they were glued at the hip to outsiders. Jensen was brought out of his reverie by his son’s voice.

 

“What do you think of this one, Daddy?”

 

Mac nudged Jensen’s elbow with the toy in his hand, showing the ultra slick looking robot warrior under the gleaming plastic cover. 

 

“Do you think he’s cool?”

 

Jensen took the robot and looked him over. The toy came with a small arsenal, that was for damned sure. He was tempted to say ’yes’ right off, but Jared really preferred the boys play with less violent toys. It was an old argument between the fathers and they tried to meet somewhere in the middle. Jared felt the more violent toys encouraged aggression in children. He wanted the boys to play with more creativity, to make instead of even pretend to destroy. Jensen, and he might be biased as town sheriff, argued that violence was a part of the world. Even a kid’s world. Learning to play as good guys made the boys identify with heroes, not just bad guys. Besides, he had toys guns and swords when *he* was little and he was fine, right? That tact usually prompted a considering look from Jared that ended up getting the taller man tackled down. Jensen glanced to where Jared was crouched by Caleb, one arm around the boy as Jared showed him how the controls worked on the back of some monster truck.

 

 

“What do you think, Jay?”

 

Jensen flipped the toy Jared’s way, admiring the quick catch. Jared wasn’t as gawky now. No sir. He had filled out in the best of ways. Lanky, yes, but not scrawny, definitely not. Jared read the back of the toy before looking at the actual robot and accessories. Quick hazel eyes went to Mac.

 

“If you get this one, Mac, you aren’t playing like he’s killing anybody.”

 

“Awwww, Papa…come on….”

 

“Can’t he just ‘stun’ people, or maybe…y’know tell them off?” Jared asked conversationally, helping Caleb load the truck he wanted into the shopping buggy.

 

“Stun people?” Mac sighed dramatically and turned his eyes to Jensen for some support. “Daddy, if he just stuns people the bad guys never learn. Lookit BATMAN. He never gets anything done. Everyone gets out again.”

 

Jensen almost agreed but held it in check. This was not time to geek out with his son over comics or action figures. Jared took it seriously. Jared was trying to work with Mac here, suggesting another means of attack.

 

“What if he stuns them and they can’t do anything until he shoots them again? You can put bad guys on ice that way. Stasis.”

 

“Like in ‘Aliens‘?” Caleb asked ingenuously.

 

Shit. Jensen winced.

 

“You let them watch ‘Aliens’?” Jared lifted a brow and sighed, shaking his head in despair. “Mac, do you want that robot…or we could go look at books. You always need new books.”

 

Tricky, tricky. Jensen smiled as Mac folded like a towel. The kid never wanted new books. Caleb was more of a reader and Mac a ‘doer’. 

 

 

“No, I’ll get him. He’ll stun people. It’s okay, Papa.” 

 

Mac tossed the toy into the cart and dashed ahead to the Legos section, Caleb trotting after. Jensen glanced to Jared and said quietly. 

 

“It’s not people. They’re aliens in ‘Aliens’, nasty evil creatures intent on killing us. I think that justified the use of force Jay. Besides I think the space Marines know what they’re doing.”

 

Jared arched one brow to his husband, feeling Jensen surreptitiously palm his ass before rubbing the small of his back. Jensen was often touching Jared, liking the feel of his husband under his hands, the way Jared would glance at him or blush. Just like he always had. From the start. If anyone around them noticed, Jensen could care less. He was married. He would handle Jared all he wanted. Usually a dark look from Jensen encouraged people to keep their thoughts to themselves. Jared would no doubt apologize for making someone else uncomfortable but that was so not Jensen’s style.

 

“They get nightmares, Jen, which means them waking us up, and getting into bed with us. Plus there are people getting eaten and torn apart in those movies. I’ve seen them. I know. I don’t get why you like watching them,”

 

“Give you nightmares?” Jensen teased softly, eyes kindling with warmth and teasing. He would never tire of making Jared give him those scolding looks that never went very far. It was just cute to see.

 

“No.” Jared paused to look at a talking crib toy for Maggie, reading the parental information on the side of the box. “But the boys play rough enough without more incentive.”

 

“Aw, they’re *boys*. They don’t do much damage. Nothing stitches won’t fix.” 

 

Jensen tickled Maggie’s belly, getting her to kick and giggle at him, as he blew her a kiss. He looked over at the twins, seeing them pulling a large box from the shelf. One of those big packages that promised to have missing pieces by the end of the day that some lucky adult would find with a tender part of their foot. He leaned to the side to see the alphabet and number toy Jared was studying so intently.

 

“You know Maggie watches COPS. Thought you should know. I think she likes the redneck antics, she claps every time one of ‘em gets pulled over.”

 

A smile tugged at Jared’s lips making his eyes squint to try to hold it back. “You can’t talk about redneck antics. You live in Texas.”

 

“With my *husband*.” Jensen joked, poking Jared in the hip. “And our three kids. I can say whatever I want.” His eyes went to the twins again. “Are you guys looking at the pirate set or the castle? Don’t get the Harry Potter. Those wands kill people, or at least poke someone’s eye out.”

 

Jared smacked Jensen’s shoulder for that, knowing it was intended for him. Jared turned his head to the side, smothering another yawn. Strange. He was needing more coffee or a senior citizen’s bench. He didn’t want to cut the kids’ fun short or anything, but he was feeling worn out. The coffee was not seeing him through like he had planned. Jared felt like he might need a nap. Before bed even. He would hold out. He never went to bed before the kids. He liked their nightly rituals and structure was key in handling the hectic schedules of three little people. He put the crib toy in the carriage for Maggie, smiling to his baby girl. Jared bent his head and smacked a kiss to her belly, making her laugh and wave tiny fists at him. He saw Jensen’s grin on three faces and sighed to the twins. “If we get out of here in time… we can stop for ice cream. Anyone want ice cream?” 

 

The inquiry made the twins start yammering about what *kind* of ice cream they wanted and how soon. Very soon. With sprinkles. Chocolate syrup. Which meant they wanted to go by Lady May’s Confections. The ice cream shop that encouraged you to have to roll yourself out the door after eating there. Jared had worked there for a few summers, had put himself through school by scooping ice cream. Of course it had given him pronounced fore-arm muscles at the time that had amused Jensen to no end when they started dating. As if Jared had that much time to jerk off. Regardless, Jensen would keel over laughing every time he saw those so defined muscles. 

 

While the boys ran just ahead of the cart, Jensen fell into step next to Jared, whispering to him.

 

“You okay? Feeling sleepy, baby?” Jensen asked, concern coloring his voice as he pressed a kiss to the side of Jared’s head. 

 

Jared nodded, waving it off. “We had a lot going on today at the center. Setting up the outside garden for the kids. Getting the back rooms aired out for the summer classes. It was just a full day. I’m fine.”

 

“If you want, we can swing through Wendy’s. Get the boys a Frosty. They don’t have to have the works. They’ll live.”

 

A sharp whistle left Jensen and he did ‘The Eyes’, making both twins halt in their nearly running steps to come back to the cart. 

 

 

“No it’s really okay.” Jared smiled, taking Jensen’s hand in his and kissing the back of it. “Besides, I want some too.”

 

“Oh yeah?” A darker gleam entered Jensen’s eyes. “Should we get some syrup to go?”

 

Jared blushed and ducked his head, thinking everyone in town had to know what they were talking about as they waited in the check-out line. He flicked his eyes to Jensen and then, “Yeah. I think we should. I feel like chocolate.”

 

“Me too.” Jensen grinned unabashedly, unloading their cart and hearing the boys insist they pay with their own gift cards for their OWN things. Everything in the cart was toys, but still Jensen sorted the twins toys apart from one another’s and Maggie’s. Just so. Had to avoid those small border skirmishes with kids whenever possible.

 

“Yeah, yeah…I got it… go ahead up there… stand in front of the cart.”

 

The process was not a long one but Jared wanted to tell the cashier to just throw it all back in the cart. He wanted to sit for a minute or so. He was polite though, thanking the older woman before they left, standing there as the lady admired Maggie. Then they were out the door, thankfully. On the drive over to Lady May’s, Jared rested his head to the window and drifted off. He slept for the duration of the fifteen minute drive, only awakening when Jensen parked. He blinked sleepily to his husband and smiled. 

 

“You might have to reschedule the syrup.”

 

“Not a chance. I’m so into unconscious. New kink of mine.” Jensen smiled, patting Jared’s knee gently. “Do you want to stay out here and nap while I run the twins in? We can get it to go.”

 

“Naw. No.” Jared stretched and rolled his shoulders. “I’m up. Let’s do this. I’ll get Mags.”

 

Jensen leaned over and kissed Jared’s lips softly, pulling back with a nod. 

 

“Okay, terrors, no touching anything once we’re in there. Go sit at the table by the back wall. Hands on the table.”

 

To some Jensen might sound like a drill sergeant but it was entirely necessary with the twins. They were wildcats. They could get into trouble in an isolated cell. It was a twisted sort of gift meaning they would never have boring lives or run out of things to do. Jensen had received enough calls from their elementary school to know his boys did not lack for imagination or ingenuity. They had engineered a mud fight on the playground, figured out how to lock doors with coins- much to their art teacher’s upset. Jensen never encouraged them to get into trouble but he did admire their ingenuity. Silently admired. Aloud he was more of a disciplinarian than Jared was- even if Jared did have the market cornered on the ‘I’m not mad I’m disappointed’ shtick.

 

Jensen knew he was reaping the benefits of the curse his mother had put on him when he was little. When she said ‘I hope someday you have a child that behaves just like you.’ - he should have listened. Damn mother’s curse. Then he had twins, right off the bat. Two carriers of Jensen’s mother’s curse. Abounding with energy and intelligence. Twins. At first, all Jensen and Jared had thought about was having two tiny babies. Little boys. Their own. They had been thrilled and then it hit them that Sophia was the one that actually had to deliver twins. The thought of her giving birth had made the men concerned on her behalf. She was going to have to deliver two little people out of a tiny place. She had reassured them, even when Jared had paled and whispered ‘You DO know what is going to happen right? How they get out?’ At least Sophia was way more earth-mama about it than they were. She actually reassured them.

 

 

Sophia and Chad Murray were close friends to the Ackles, Jared having taken Jensen’s last name. Jensen was pretty determined on that factor and Jared sort of liked how demanding Jensen had been. Chad was the most laidback person Jensen had ever met. When he wasn’t a roiling ball of energy, Chad wasn’t half bad. Jensen liked Chad well enough, but he found the other man a bit tiring. At least Chad was good at wearing out the kids. Points for that. Chad had realized Jared was dating Jensen before Jared did. True story. Jared had assumed he and Jensen were friends for the longest time despite all of Chad’s comments on the side about taking Jensen a corsage before hitting a bar or plying Jensen with chocolates before asking him to help move their friend Tom from his apartment. Jared let all that go past him, assuming Chad was just being a douche. However that time, Chad was right. Jared was just slower on the uptake. 

 

The families Ackles and Murray were almost too normal really. They even went on trips together every summer. Spent Christmas with each other. Sophia and Chad were the kids’ ‘aunt and uncle’ and they planned to keep it that way. Sophia had two children of her own with Chad, a little boy named Joshua who was five and a little three year old named Gracie. As far as the children were concerned, they were all cousins. A family that spread out over town in uncles, aunts and grandparents. They had a good life. A blessed life, and Jensen couldn’t wish for anything more. 

 

Looking at Jared from across the table, Jensen watched Jared dip his pinkie into the strawberry ice cream and give it to Maggie since she would not have anything to do with a spoon. She ate from her red plastic Elmo spoon at home just fine, but all *other* spoons were deemed unworthy. Jensen loved seeing how careful and patient Jared was, smiling, his eyes full of love for their daughter but even in the idyllic moment, he thought Jared looked a little drawn. Tired out. 

 

“Boys, let’s wrap it up. You both need baths before bed…and got to get all this stuff in your room.”

 

Jensen herded the boys into picking up their sundae remains to toss in the trash before he picked Maggie up from Jared’s arms. 

 

“Let’s get you home too, cowboy. You can get to bed while I throw them under the water hose out back.”

 

The visual made Jared smile wanly as he stood. A mud pie incident had prompted the boys getting sprayed down in the backyard one time, just once, but ever since the twins asked for it. They thought it beat taking a real bath any day. The trip home was quiet enough that Jared was sleeping again. Jensen was not overly worried. He knew Jared ran himself into the ground playing all day with the kids he took care of. Dealing with the parents of the kids was a big part of the job too but Jared always handled it with true aplomb and graciousness. It just wasn’t in Jared to be rude or abrupt. Jensen could do it just fine and so they balanced each other out. 

 

Jensen was good at turning down parties or events he didn’t want to go to and often Jared would ask Jensen to do it for them. That way Jared would not be roped into a reluctant ‘yes’ that made them both have to go and hate being there. It was a fair trade. Jensen didn’t mind a bit if people thought he was being anti-social. Since he worked with the public all the time, he felt he deserved some antisocial moments. They could get over it. If he was considered a hermit, Jensen would be just fine with that, but he knew Jared liked going out. Seeing everyone. Jared was the social butterfly and Jensen was the one that never shied away from throwing someone in jail. It was a definite buzz kill at a party when someone realized Jensen had arrested them before or a relative. But it was his job and he took it seriously. Gatlin was the town his kids were growing up in. It was going to be as safe as he could make it.

 

When they arrived at their home, Jensen gently woke Jared by caressing his husband’s neck. “Hey, we’re here. Go on in and get to bed. I got this.”

 

Normally Jared would have laughed off the offer and helped anyway, but tonight he just smiled sleepily, kissed the kids goodnight and went upstairs to bed. Jensen put Maggie down for the night and made sure the twins each took real baths, one in the upstairs bath and one in the downstairs. By the time they were tucked in, Jensen had unwrapped all the new toys and put them away in the kids’ toy chests and shelves. He felt right accomplished when he turned off their bedroom lamp and kissed the boys’ damp brows. Jensen checked on Maggie once more before he was satisfied that he could go to bed himself. He walked down the hallway to the bedroom he shared with his husband, stripping off his shirt before closing the door behind him. Jensen nurtured a small light of hope as he walked to the bed, but Jared was sleeping soundly. Only wearing a pair of boxers which made it all the harsher to leave him resting, but he’d seen how tired Jared had been. They could always make up for it tomorrow nigt. Jensen undressed, leaving on his own boxers before stretching out next to his love. He drew Jared into his arms, smiling when Jared turned in his sleep and twined around him. So right. So good. 

 

It was everything to Jensen to have his husband, his children…his life. He fell asleep with a smile.


	2. Chapter 2- Moons and Junes

  
Author's notes: (beta'ed by imogen_lily, many thanks!!!)  


* * *

“Moons and Junes and Ferris wheels

The dizzy dancing way you feel

As every fairy tale comes real

I’ve looked at love that way…”  
(Both Sides Now, Joni Mitchell)  
  
Their first meeting, wherein Jensen begins to find his other half.

 

Nine years ago...

 

 

What was he doing? He couldn’t have explained if he had to. All he knew was this was a Moment. A stand alone, crystallized Moment that was meant to be- and he had to take the chance. This was something and even in it’s refusal to be defined-. Jensen knew that seeing the striking young man he was running towards might well change his life. 

 

He wanted to change, move aside in his sphere of existence enough to include the youth that he could not look away from. 

 

 

Whatever it meant to be next to this exotic stranger, Jensen desired past his own sense of reasoning. He heard the laugh cut off as Jared saw him in return. Impossibly pretty hazel eyes went wide in shock before the boy and his friend, a tiny buxom brunette girl- were both standing still and watching as Jensen came to a halt in front of them. Shit. Jensen cursed himself. He hadn’t thought of a single thing to say while dashing over to the two complete strangers.

 

Jared took care of that issue for him, a worried look on his face before he asked, “Is there a problem, officer? Did we jaywalk or something?” The smile was back and Jensen saw dimples. Not just dimples either but ‘bite-me’ dimples that appeared on Jared’s cheeks to bedevil the eye. 

 

“No, I just saw you passing by and thought you might be lost. It happens a lot with new transfers.” Jensen could lie as smoothly as Satan when he wanted to. Peppering in *some* truth was a good tactic. It helped you to sound logical, keep the parameters believable. Less to have to work at remembering in a bind. The university drew kids in from all over the world and that resulted in the sheriff’s department doing a lot of babysitting. Disassembling protests ogf over-zealous, high spirited douche-wads of tomorrow. Finding lost kids, explaining traffic laws, busting up ‘mom and dad finally aren’t watching me’ keggers. Things like that. “You aren’t from around here, are you?”

 

Jared was inquisitive, finding it a little disarming to suddenly be talking to law enforcement. The deputy seemed so confident though. With good reason. The other man filled out his uniform of light khaki, sun-tanned and giving off a sense of capability. Strength. The kind of man other men pretended to be whenever they could. He was not suspicious of Jensen in the least, accustomed to talking to people and enjoying the exchange of pleasantries wherever he found them. The girl beside Jared, however, was looking cross already. Whoever this new guy was, he was tuned into Jared like they were the only two people on the planet. Genevieve waited for Jared to wrap it up talking to the blond guy so they could be on their way.

 

The dark haired collegiate male grinned, resettling the strap of his backpack over his shoulder, not appearing in any hurry to leave Jensen behind. Jared looked delectable, all lanky and draped in clothes that did not do him justice, not showing the details if his form. “No, I came down from San Antonio. Not that far though. I mean considering how some students come from Europe or Asia. My roommate’s from Mars.” 

 

Mars. It almost sounded like the boy meant it, but that smile was back.. Jensen found himself looking at the base of Jared’s throat, that sweet dip of vulnerable skin. Beautiful. Jensen was used to knowing a good lay when he saw one, but never had he considered another man ‘beautiful’. Jared just made him over-aware of his own sexuality, the pure lust he felt demanding a taste of the handsome boyish stranger. What it was about Jared went past surface, although the surface was mouth-watering. He almost understood how a moth might feel if asked to explain why it went towards a candle’s flame. How could you not? 

 

The girl spoke then, pushing lightly at Jared’s side. “I have to get to class… I’ll call you later.” She bristled a bit at Jensen, getting absolutely no attention from him. He had not even spared her a glance and she was worth looking over. She had lustrous dark hair falling well to her waist, large brown eyes, a petite but curvy body. She knew she was beautiful. Genevieve Cortese did not stomp as she walked away, but she was sorely tempted to. She almost wanted to tug Jared after her, but he was idling, chatting with the cop. Like he did with almost everyone, Jared acted as if there was nothing weird about striking up a random conversation with some unknown.

 

Jensen registered the girl leaving but mostly because it left him alone with Jared. He could not have cared less about her glares coming his way. If she hadn’t landed Jared by now, that was on her. Jensen saw it as his turn to try and she could fuck off. “How are you liking Gatlin? You have friends here? Family? My name’s Jensen, by the way.”

 

“Jared.” Jared held a hand out, shaking Jensen’s strong grip and noticing the other man had the longest eyelashes he had ever seen on anyone. Not the usual thing he focused on when meeting a guy, but Jensen was kinda good looking. OKAY that was the understatement of the decade. He was actually very good looking, alright, totally stunning. Jensen was also apparently without the need to hit on Genevieve which meant just one thing. Jensen had to be a pretty decent person. “Family yeah. But I live with a friend. My friend Chad lives here in Gatlin. I’ve been staying with him.”

 

“Chad? You mean Chad Michael Murray? Lives on Templeton Avenue?”

 

“Yeah. You know him?” Jared was still getting reacquainted with how the townies in Gatlin were all so interlocked. There was no sense of anonymity here, not like in San Antonio or larger cities. Gatlin was not huge but it supported the university and several residents and retired professionals. A nice community that managed to hold onto a sense of itself. There was not a Starbucks here, but a place called the Runcible Spoon- local business. The book store of choice, Penemue’s, was owned by a man whose mother had been the librarian for the Gatlin Public Library since the forties, and *his* brother worked at the same library now. Jared found all this out by talking to the shopkeepers at length, amazing Chad with how he soon became the one to get extra cookies at the Runcible Spoon and ‘sale’ prices at Penemue’s. Jared had been born in Gatlin but by the age of eleven, he had been shipped off to live with his aunt and cousin in San Antonio. He sure didn’t want to talk about *that* with a complete stranger. It was better to just appear as starry eyed and new as every other new student coming into Gatlin. 

 

“I’m still settling in here but Chad’s been showing me around, making sure I find everything alright.” Jared smiled crookedly, almost feeling like he was lying by leaving out things he didn’t want to discuss.

 

Did he know Chad? Chad had been a hell raiser for most of his teenaged years and then tapered off into being a hell *instigator* which made him even more dangerous because he could talk other people into doing stupid crap for his amusement. Sometimes the pranks and drunken revelries got out of hand and Jensen had shown up more than once to clear Chad’s place out, pull girls off tables and dickheads off the roof. Just your usual Chad experience. Gatlin had bacchanals because of Chad. So, yeah, he ’knew’ Chad. Jensen half smiled and opted for a diplomatic response. “He’s dating a friend of mine…”

 

“Sophia? Great girl, man. I guess we’re practically related then, huh?” 

 

Jared joked over being related, as they knew some of the same people. In a small town like this, that tended to happen more often than not. Jared’s smile made Jensen feel himself warming way down below, distractingly so.

 

“Is that how that works?” Jensen asked with a grin. It was almost impossible not to smile back when Jared smiled at you. Did the boy just talk to anyone or was he not worried since Jensen was a deputy? Even as Jensen appreciated Jared’s openness, finding it working in his own favor- he wanted to chide Jared for it. Tell him to be more careful, less trusting. Or hell, just take care of Jared himself so he would know it was being done right. “What’re you studying, Jared?” Felt nice to say his name.

 

“Early Childhood Education and Psychology…” Jared grinned at Jensen’s curious look. “I want to be a teacher. Pre-K and maybe kindergarten. I love kids.”

 

With anyone else, Jensen might have made a smart-ass comment about ‘loving kids’ but he couldn’t with Jared. That was a little disconcerting. Jensen never tried to mind his tongue, saying whatever he wanted without worrying over fall out. Jensen had grown up being on guard. It was a way of life for him. He was accustomed to being a smart-mouth and when that wasn’t enough, he was mean as hell in a fight- gun or no gun. Being openly bi-sexual in a small town and not letting anyone categorize him or put him under their stereotypes made Jensen turn abrasive or caustic to most strangers. He even had a habit of biting into people verbally in affection. Just… with this kid… Jared? It seemed like there was no need to push his buttons or try to shove him first. Jared didn’t put off the air of just waiting to see which one of them was the bigger man. Now? He didn’t want to hurt Jared’s feelings or cause Jared to regret talking to him. “You know you’ll look even bigger to kids. You’ll have the most well behaved kids in the place.”

 

That made Jared laugh, sliding his hands into his pockets. He was shy sometimes when his height was discussed. He was too tall, yeah, by anyone’s standards. Mostly arms and legs. He didn’t eat like he should , finding fault with his own appearance to the point that he actually believed it was just his personality that attracted women to him. 

“Actually kids see past the physical quicker than adults do. I do good with them. Get on my knees pretty fast. It helps.”

 

Stunned for a second, Jensen had to wrestle down his sarcastically flirtatious rejoinder until it died in his head. God, this kid was fresh off the fuck-me farm. 

 

“Being a deputy, I work more with adults and they behave worse than kids. Some nights it‘s like romper room on crack. Especially the drunks.”

 

Jensen didn’t miss how Jared’s eyes dropped to his gun. It made him want to adjust himself . Fuck, why did it turn him on to have Jared looking at his service firearm like that? Just did. His dick didn’t bother explaining it to him. He wondered if Jared was going to be intimidated by the badge and gun, hoping he wasn’t. What a buzz kill that would be.

 

“That’s a big gun.”

 

Holy shit. Jensen eyed Jared closely and saw absolutely no guile. Not even a smidge of a suggestive leer. That was Jared *making conversation.* 

 

“It’s enough to do the job…”

 

Jensen made himself stop there.

 

“Hey…I got to get back to work… but… how would you like to go out for a beer some time, Jared?”

 

Jared smiled as if terribly flattered to be asked, ducking his head in a gesture that was all boy and very titillating to Jensen. “Sure, I’d like that. You want my number? Or do you have the number at Chad’s place?”

 

“I could look it up, but I’d like it if you gave it to me.” Jensen took out his notebook, small and inside a leather wallet. He flipped it open and wrote down the digits Jared gave him, smiling warmly to the pretty boy. “So I’m going to call you. See you later.”

 

Jared gave Jensen a thoughtful look and then they parted ways. Jensen moseyed back to the patrol car, seeing Chris’ look. Oh someone had some stuff to say, he could tell. Jensen got in the passenger’s side and leaned back, the creak of vinyl so familiar. Thunking his head to the headrest, Jensen turned his eyes to Chris.

 

“Got his number.”

 

“I saw that.”

 

Chris was hand rolling his cigarette, the canister of loose tobacco between his knees. His nimble fingers smoothed the paper efficiently, packing a neat line of the tobacco before twisting the cigarillo into shape, licking the sweet edge of it closed. He made it look really easy but Jensen couldn’t do that to save his life. He stuck to his Marlboro Reds. Jensen knew to wait though. Chris rewarded his marginal patience by finally lighting his cigarette, taking a drag and talking through a plume of smoke.

 

“You know him from Adam? Didn’t think so. What’d you do, give him a 

‘Welcome to Gatlin’ speech? I ain’t never seen you chase after someone before. Like he owed you money. What was that all about?”

 

Jensen fidgeted in his seat under his friend’s scrutiny. He shrugged, feeling like a baby or something. “It was about him being the finest piece of ass I’ve seen in a long time. Those long legs? Can you imagine? Don’t imagine. I want this one.”

 

A deep laugh came from Chris. He had one arm out the window, tapping the side of the patrol car door as he regarded Jensen intently. So Jensen was feeling possessive already. That was so out of order that Chris had to take notice. Since he was currently having a ‘this isn‘t really happening‘ fiasco in his own love life, he couldn‘t judge anyone else too harshly. Chris was seeing someone on the side. His wife Josie wouldn‘t appreciate it, but Chris had taken quite a shine to the local blues‘ bar owner, and vice versa. It didn‘t make it right, but sometimes Steve Carlson was the best kind of wrong. At least Jensen didn’t seem to care either way where Chris got off. It was a non-issue. Maybe it helped that he, Jensen and Steve had known each other for years. More than likely, it was just a matter of Jensen not poking his nose into business he had no interest in. Jensen was good like that. Close to his friends but not one to judge. Clearing his throat, Chris eyed Jensen sagely. “I’m not after your new filly, Jensen. Believe me. Got my own hands full. Just usually … you don’t chase ass. I’ve seen you. You wait for it to come to you. As a rule. You went all grade school running the boy down. He got a name?”

 

“Jared.” Jensen pinkened at not having gotten Jared’s last name. He took out his notepad and ran the phone number through the small computer under the dashboard. Not a hard thing to do, especially in a town this size. His eyes widened a little before he remarked to Chris on his findings. “Padalecki. He’s a Padalecki.”

 

“Huh. Not exactly a common name,” That was Chris’ thoughtful sound, meaning he was processing. “So he’d be Jeff’s brother, right? The good doctor’s kid brother. Why do I feel like I’m missing a puzzle piece here? Why’d junior not grow up in the same town as his family?”

 

“I don’t know.” Jensen frowned, not wanting Chris to go into Jared’s background like he was potentially on a Most Wanted list. Jensen could tell Jared was an innocent. Jensen knew how to read people. It was his life’s work in so many words. Knowing when someone might go for their gun or if a housewife was telling a bullshit story as her drunken husband stood glowering at her battered face. Jensen was educated in the potential all humans carried to do ‘bad’- and he didn’t sense it in Jared. Not a bad bone in his body, even if Jensen *wanted* to slide one in himself. He took the plastic lid off of his cold coffee, finishing it off in three gulps. “I’ll ask him.”

 

“The hell you will.” Though he laughed, Chris could picture Jensen doing just that. Chris might *say* Jensen wouldn’t be so blunt and nosy, but he knew better. Jensen wasn’t much for hiding his opinions and tended to just ask what he wanted to know. Said what was on his mind. That kind of approach could scare your average person into fits. People got so used to lying to each other that it was an accepted code of behavior. Then you had Jensen Ackles always rocking that boat.

 

Three days passed before Jensen called Jared. He didn’t want to seem overly eager, which was not an easy stance to keep when you wanted to see someone so much you were pacing the floor like a hungry tiger, waiting. He was not nervous about calling. Jensen just did not want to scare Jared away.. Not if Jared was already going to take some coaxing. The work being put in wasn’t a problem. Jensen believed in his ability to get what he was going after. He had every confidence he was going to fuck Jared, it was just a matter of ‘when’ and ‘how’. There were many variations on a theme when he thought of having Jared at his mercy for the first time. Naked. Hard. Receptive. 

 

Jared saying ‘Hello?’ over the line made Jensen smile.

 

“Hey. It’s Jensen. You busy?”

 

“No…I was just sitting here studying and watching TV. Deputy Jensen… how you doing? Were you wanting to go out and get a drink or just hang out? You want to come over?”

 

Jared’s voice was husky sweet, and Jensen felt no remorse reaching down to lightly cup and stroke himself through his jeans. 

 

“How about you come to my place? I’ve got beer here. I can come and get you. Sound like a plan?”

 

“I could get a ride over…-”

 

“No.” Jensen spoke softly, but firmly. “I’ll be there in about twenty minutes. Be ready.”

 

“Okay…alright…” 

 

Jared heard the click in his ear and then the dial tone, but he was too dazed for a moment to even put his phone down. Something about Jensen’s tone had worked a funny magic on him. It was nothing more than going to another guy’s house to hang out and drink, but Jared was feeling his jeans grip his burgeoning arousal uncomfortably. What the hell? The reaction surprised Jared and made him wonder if he was really hard up. There was no way he was getting off on Jensen’s invitation. His voice. Jared had never been into guys. He sure as hell wasn’t starting back in Gatlin of all places. Maybe he should give Genevieve a call later. Her hints had been heavy. He knew she was interested. The thing was, Jared wasn’t. Not really. He didn’t feel sparks. At least with past girlfriends he had his body telling him that it was okay to just give in, that maybe this time he’d find a connection if he kept at it. 

 

He really needed to GET interested. Not always feeling like no matter who he was with, he was looking around for someone else. How wrong was that? It certainly wouldn’t please your girlfriend to see you casting your eyes around as if the girl of your dreams might come in any minute and you didn’t intend to miss seeing her. Jared had a conscience. He didn’t want any one-sided relationships. One night stands weren’t so bad but in a town this small? You’d see a one night stand a few times a day. That was not his ideal. 

 

Recalling Jensen had said ‘twenty minutes’ Jared got off the couch, leaving his books spread out there, covered in loose papers. Chad wouldn’t mind the scholarly mess. Chad actually tried to get Jared to be messier. Often Chad was reminding Jared that he wasn’t at his grandparents’ house now. He was in a bachelor pad. For all the good it did. Jared had cleaned Chad’s place like a man on a mission. Jared was a tidy creature. He liked things to be seen to, taken care of. Chad didn’t try to stop the process but he never swore to change his sloppy ways either. Now you could walk through the house with bare feet and not worry about needing a tetanus shot after visiting. Sophia totally dug it, which meant she was upstairs with Chad right now ‘hanging out.’ 

 

Jared left Chad a note, writing ‘Went to a friend’s. Have my phone on me. BBS. - J.’ Couldn’t just leave without any word. Padding upstairs, Jared changed into a clean t-shirt, Gatlin in heavy black block letters across a dark grey background. He didn’t even bother trying to arrange his hair, just pulling on a knit cap. By the time Jared was tying his sneakers, he heard a car pull up outside. Prompt.

 

Jared expected to see a patrol car as he let himself out of the house, but instead Jensen drove a muscle car. Jared didn’t know what kind, but it was long, black and shiny. It made Jared think of long dark roads and thumping bass under mournful guitars. Just had a history on it, the car, even if it was his imagination. Jared slid into the passenger seat, gently closing his door. 

 

“Nice car….” Speaking sincerely, Jared smiled in appreciation.

 

“Thanks.” Jensen replied, easing the big metal beast back into motion. “You like classic cars? I got this one from my dad. He restores em, does a lot of custom work.” Jensen made small talk about the Impala he drove, but he was busy inwardly appreciating the fresh smell coming off of Jared. A mix of buttery popcorn, fabric softener like baby powder and whatever cologne Jared wore. Something hinting at campfires and incense. Jensen licked over his lips seeing how good Jared looked in his car. “She’s a lot to handle but I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

 

“I like *this* car. I don’t know much about cars in general. It’s a ‘she’, huh? Did you name her?” Jared asked curiously, looking over his shoulder to see the wide backseat. The leather upholstery gleamed, supple and well tended. It was obvious Jensen took good care of his beautiful car.

 

Jared needed to not be checking out the backseat. That gesture chipped away at Jensen’s good intentions. Flashing a small smile, Jensen nodded. 

 

“I just call her Baby. She likes it.”

 

“I bet your girlfriend just loves that too.” Jared teased, rolling down his window so he could let one arm drape out over the side of the door. 

 

“Sharing you calling the car ‘Baby‘, I mean.”

 

“I don’t have a girlfriend.” Jensen paused, considering before he decided to wait to drop that bomb later. Let Jared come to his own conclusions. Jensen was not shy over how he liked sex, or with whom- but he also staunchly believe it was his business. After all, he didn’t see straight people walking up to each other and mentioning , ‘Oh by the way, I’m hetero.’ So he was far from feeling he needed to make a point of his own sexuality right off the bat. There was also the factor of sussing Jared out. The kid didn’t seem to announce his own inclinations either way and Jensen felt like a hunter picking up a scent. He would find out what Jared liked…and go from there. He was a firm believer in being able to change minds once he was determined. Jared wouldn’t be the first ‘straight’ guy Jensen fucked. “You have a girl, Jared?”

 

Jared shook his head, making a little face. “No, but you know, I guess I could. If I wanted. I just haven’t got around to it since moving here. Trying to concentrate on my studying. Plus I’m not the greatest with girls. Being a boyfriend. I am still learning.”

 

“Just keep an open mind and the world will fill it up…” Jensen quipped with a slight grin. “There’s no rush, Jared. You just haven’t dated the right person yet.”

 

“That’s what I’ve been thinking.” Jared agreed, sounding impassioned as he looked to Jensen. “I just can’t see myself settling until I know it’s real. I mean, *know* it, deep down. I know it sounds old fashioned or whatever, but whoever I’m with? I don’t want to just fall in love. I want to fall in love every day. A little more deeply, like they’re just ‘it’, you know?”

 

“Falling in love every day. That’s a pretty tall order.”

 

Jensen could not say he had ever been ‘in love’. He was pretty sure that was an invention of movies and books to make people pursue something better than what was real. But he wasn’t going to burst Jared’s heart shaped bubble either. Flicking kindling green eyes to Jared, Jensen nodded. “But anything’s possible once you decide on what you want.”

 

Later on that night, they were on Jensen’s couch, sprawled out inelegantly, their umpteenth beers in hand as they watched Ghostbusters together.. Jared was a tactile kid, not shying away from sitting close to Jensen, leaning into him as they drank. Jensen didn’t mind either. The warm bulk of Jared felt good against him and he had to control himself from kissing or touching Jared. Not just yet. Jensen was in hunter mode and could be patient. He did ‘accidentally’ brush the side of his hand to Jared’s hair as he reached for the bowl of potato chips, but that didn’t cause any reactions from Jared at all. Jensen realized two things from watching a movie with Jared. One, Jared was not very adept at sitting still and two, Jared had the most beautiful laugh Jensen had ever heard. It was like goddamned sunlight busting into the air. Jensen was still wondering over the ‘falling in love every day’ thing too. That sounded like a challenge and a dream both at the same time. Was that what Jared himself would prove to be?

 

It would be two months in before Jensen felt he had waited long enough… Jared was straight. That was not lost on Jensen, but he also knew Jared had a cock and that appendage was not as delusional as its owner tended to be. A penis knew what felt good, responded to stimulus and loved attention. The organ was not concerned about social norms, familial expectations, income taxes or NAFTA. No, tight, warm, wet, repeat. That was the extent of a penis’ hopes and dreams. Jensen could see to fulfilling those wishes and getting his own seen to in return. 

 

The fateful night came while watching an action movie together with Chris and Steve and having a few beers with the other two men at Jensen‘s place. Jensen’s couch was becoming a familiar setting for Jared. Jared knew his way around Jensen’s house now. He had even commented on how tidy Jensen was, like he was petting Jensen with just words. It sort of worked. Resting to the cushions, Jared considering getting up for more beer. His eyes started wandering and he was about to ask if anyone one else was thirsty but the butchering on screen caught his attention again. He was glad Jensen was right there, it made him tense up less when things got really volatile in the film. The energy Jensen gave off reached Jared, though Jared would not have said that out loud. They were just friends. They reclined to either side of the couch, watching Predator and commenting on how even if the special effects were dated as hell, the movie still kicked ass. Jared did not care much for guns, or violence, but he didn’t want Chris Kane to drunkenly explain to him again how the Predator’s mind worked. For Jared it wasn’t about this movie or the characters. His discomfort came from seeing carnage and destruction. It actually turned his stomach to watch anything like rape or someone being beaten to death. Those scenes were worse than just firearms or knives. Jensen, on the other hand, had a slew of action movies. Horror films. But since they had been hanging out, Jensen knew what Jared couldn’t handle or enjoy. Without asking directly, Jensen started putting in films that stayed away from subject matter that might be too much for Jared. Jensen wasn’t sure what had happened to Jared before or where his dislike of violent movies came from- but at the same time Jensen didn’t think it necessarily had to be attached to some traumatic event. It could be a matter of tastes. Accordingly, Jensen put in a movie with monsters or aliens instead of Saving Private Ryan or Natural Born Killers. He wanted Jared to feel accepted and not ever put on the spot for not wanting to watch certain things. Coming over to watch movies with them, Chris and Steve didn’t care either way. They were just enjoying being with each other. Jensen understood that. He was all about ‘being’ with someone himself. He secretly studied Jared every now and again to make sure this movie wasn’t too much. The younger man was very comfortable, not even noticing at first that Chris and Steve were making out during the film.

 

 

Jensen was watching the light of the television screen illuminate Jared’s features and, damn, it was a sight. The blue edged over that full lower lip, across one sharp cheekbone, hitting the luster of dark curls. The soft ‘uhm’ sound Jensen heard made him glance over, following Jared’s line of sight to see what made Jared sound so surprised. Ah. Chris had Steve’s face in his mitts, kissing the shaggy blonde like Steve might try to get away. Didn’t seem likely since Steve had a hand dropped between Chris’ denim-clad thighs, groping him nice and slow. Jensen’s foot gently nudged Jared’s inner thigh and he murmured, “Don’t worry about it. They’re not.”

 

Still, Jared blushed and reached up to the back of the couch, pulling the coverlet down to drape over his lap and legs. He was turned on. Helplessly hard and curious. Shouldn’t be. He should just get up and leave. He was thinking about the correct thing to do in this situation when he felt Jensen’s socked foot gliding up his inner thigh to graze his trapped cock. Jared jumped, looking down to Jensen but the blond was watching the movie like nothing untoward was happening. Jared’s breath caught as Jensen’s foot explored him, toes curved to stroke the underside of Jared’s trapped shaft. It was just enough contact to make Jared’s erection pound for relief, his brain fizzling out entirely. He was not sure what to do, but he spread his knees all the same. The slow cursory rubs of denim to over-heated hardness was making Jared squirm. It felt so good. Hidden away and hot, even with other people in the room. Jared was at a loss, considering reaching down to touch Jensen’s foot, press it more firmly to his aching crotch. He looked to Jensen with nakedly yearning eyes. Wanting more. Jensen gave him more. 

 

Sliding off the couch, Jensen reached down, taking Jared’s wrist in his hand before he stood, pulling Jared in his wake. Jared’s reaction to being touched was a lit match to a powder keg in Jensen. He wanted Jared alone, now. He wasn’t worried about Jared changing his mind. He was thinking more in terms of seeing how far he could go before the kid was cumming for him, letting that beautiful body speak for him.

 

“You can use the couch, Chris. Just don’t make a mess.”

 

Jared’s cheeks flamed at Jensen’s words to his friend, not hearing anything from the men on the floor. He stumbled after Jensen, not from drinking but from the rush of heat going through him. What were they doing? Was it because Jensen was turned on watching Chris and Steve too? Jared wasn’t sure, but he knew he was about to find out when pushed into Jensen’s bedroom. Against the door, Jared felt the hard muscled body of Jensen press to his own. Hips notched to hips, they slowly ground together, Jared making the keening sounds of a virgin. Jensen knew Jared wasn’t a virgin, not to women- but it was not a woman he was contending with now. Though he usually found men as experienced as himself to play around with, the idea of breaking in Jared was gasoline over hellfire hot. More than that, Jensen felt it was his right. Because Jared? Jared was going to be his. He just didn’t see any other way.

 

The needy breaths from Jared were too good to resist. Jensen wanted to eat every noise. He licked Jared’s parted lips and whispered, “I’m going to kiss you…then I’m going to teach you how to suck cock. You want me to suck you, Jared? You want to cum down my throat?”

 

Did he want to cum down Jensen’s throat? Holy fucking God. Jared had never been asked anything like that before. So blatantly. He had felt educated sexually until this moment. The dirtiest a girl had ever gotten with Jared was asking him to tell her what he wanted. This was a whole other world when words could be as hot as touches. Jared groaned his answer, one hand going to the back of Jensen’s head. He pulled their mouths together and tasted Jensen for the first time. Tongues warring, gentling and then sparring all over again. It was electric and Jared’s mind went blank with white heat. He had never kissed such a beautiful mouth before. Jensen never quite let him dominate the kiss either, giving Jared a new sensation of being the one to wonder what was going to happen next. Jensen did not make him wait forever to find out. Jared gasped as Jensen was unsnapping his jeans, the zipper going down as he felt some relief when the denim sighed from his hips. Jensen’s hand gripped over Jared’s length, stroking him until Jared was reduced to making guttural noises of raw pleading.

 

“Good, it’s good, isn’t it? You want more?”

 

Eyes dilated with arousal, Jensen whispered the words to his boy, seeing how Jared nodded, head thrown back to the door. It was a gorgeous sight. Jensen leaned in, biting the side of Jared’s throat before he whispered.

 

“Then you come earn it, sweetheart.”

 

Accustomed to being in charge in his bedroom, or anywhere else he was- Jensen never handed over those reins. He was a dominate and regardless of who caught his eye, the outcome was always on his terms. Jared would learn that. Jensen pulled away from Jared, going to stand at the end of his bed. He unzipped his jeans, taking his own hard cock out before he sat to the mattress. Jensen let Jared look for a moment before he nodded to the boy.

 

“Come over here…and get on your knees, Jay. I’ll show you what I like…”

 

It was the moment of truth. If Jared bolted now, Jensen would have to relaunch his campaign to get Jared into bed. Which he would do, but it would mean more nights of his hand getting him by. Strange. Jensen only just now realized he hadn’t fucked anyone else- at all- while pursuing Jared.

 

Dry mouthed and nervous, Jared went to Jensen, feeling like he was in a dream. A really hot dream that was going to make him cum all over his sheets before he might stop himself. He had never expected this, but God it was hot. Being told what to do. Having Jensen do the telling. Jared was dazzled. He sank to his knees in front of Jensen and stared at the cock before him. Ruddy, full and thick, Jensen’s cock was as commanding as the rest of him. When Jensen moved his hips forward, the full tip brushed Jared’s lips, making him draw back in surprise. Jensen smiled faintly at the reaction, knowing he was alot to handle. Still, Jared was going to learn to take him. He was not going to let Jared remain intimidated when he so badly wanted to get them both off. Get off and on again. Jensen was not smug about his prowess in bed. He simply knew what he wanted. He was the one to call off former hook-ups if the other guy seemed to be getting attached. Jensen was not going to let another man live under the delusion of owning him. However, the thought of owning Jared was enflaming his blood. Innocent, charming Jared on his knees and looking startled at the effect he had on Jensen’s prick before him.

 

“No, baby, don’t go anywhere. You’re right where you need to be… open your mouth… stick out your tongue… yeah… now lick me. Lick my cock all over…”

 

Jensen lost his breath as Jared obeyed, the wide silken tongue lapping at his rigid flesh, coaxing more pre-ejaculate from him. He was in a new heaven. Jared’s mouth.

 

“Suck here, just at the tip…yes, good, good, baby… just like that… just like I’m going to do you…work your big cock so good, Jay… fuck…”

 

Jared moaned plaintively around the shaft in his mouth, his hips rising as he imagined Jensen fulfilling his promise. He sucked Jensen down, not realizing he was skipping ahead a few grades in Fellatio School. It just felt right. It was what Jared wanted. He buried Jensen in his mouth and throat, hearing a harsh shaky sound leave the older man. Good. Maybe someone needed a little shaking up in return. Jensen tasted salty and hot, his cock dripping down Jared’s throat the harder he was suckled from. Jared felt Jensen’s fingers bury in his hair and gave over to the wordless command, dropping his jaw to take the thrusts. Fuck. Jared feared cumming himself just from this. He whimpered around Jensen and that sound triggered Jensen’s orgasm. Jared found himself swallowing the hot release as Jensen panted his name , shallowly thrusting the last of his essence down Jared’s throat.

 

Jensen blazed under his skin, shooting down Jared’s throat and hearing himself being swallowed. He shakily cupped the side of Jared’s face, holding on as he passed through his orgasm. His half-closed eyes studied Jared’s face while he panted deeply. Goddamn. He had the strangest urge to pull Jared into his arms. Hold him. Kiss his own taste from Jared’s mouth. It was new and exalting at the same time. This staccato rhythm to his heart that promised him this was right. Jared- was right.

 

Jared lifted his eyes to Jensen, the appraising expression on the older man’s face giving him pause. Had he done it right? Surely, since Jensen came- but he was unsure. This was out of his league of know how. Jensen was not a girl that he could cajole and sweet-talk. The thought of bringing Jensen a teddy bear or rose for hurting his feelings was so alien. In his tally of lovers- women, of which there were five, Jared had never felt so on edge as this. Like it might mean everything to please the person he was with.

 

Catching his breath, Jared pulled back, touching his swollen lips for all of a second before Jensen was hauling him up onto the bed. Jared hit the mattress with a ‘whooft’ sound before Jensen was kissing him hard and deep. Jared opened his mouth for Jensen’s tongue, wanting to hold him close but Jensen wasn’t having it. He moved down Jared’s body, tugging Jared’s jeans to his knees before sinking his eager mouth over Jared’s cock. Make it last, make it last- Jared chanted to himself, trying so hard not to cum. Jensen was not careful or slow in his reciprocation. Jared writhed under the onslaught of lips, tongue and groans moving around his shaft. Definitely feeling closer to God, Jared could not stop calling out to Him as Jensen worked him over into a frenzy. When Jensen’s fingers caressed his balls, it was over. Jared came hard, unaware of his cries making even Steve and Chris pause in the living room to laugh low and knowing. Jensen never hid when he was getting laid but he didn’t exactly welcome an audience either. Jared was the one really giving up the ghost by yelling like that. Chris and Steve went back to enjoying one another and being careful of the couch.

 

In the aftermath, Jensen flopped down next to Jared and lit a cigarette, murmuring. He always smoked after sex, or when stressed out. It was a habit that he couldn’t seem to shake for anything. “So… I’m gay. I was going to tell you.”

 

Despite Jensen’s blasé tone, Jared shook his head, whispering huskily. “S’alright. I might be a little gay myself.”

 

“No, Jay…you’re a lot gay. As of now.”

 

Jared was not alarmed. He was curious. How did that line work? Was it officially crossed? He wondered if there was any going back. You couldn’t un-suck a cock so, probably not. Jared had never considered himself bi-sexual or gay. Not really paying it much mind. He knew his parents would be horrified. He had heard his father’s anti-homosexual jokes plenty, just praying his dad would keep those comments to himself in mixed company or around Jared’s friends. Which led to Jared not bringing his friends around his dad and mom so much. Chad was fine. Chad knew to ignore Dalton, Jared’s father. So far as he could see, Jared knew Chad would not throw a fuss over him being with Jensen. Neither would Jeff or Megan, his siblings. Anyone else could just deal with it. “ Alot gay, hm? Because of this? Because I sucked a cock?”

 

 

“No… not just because you sucked ‘A’ cock, but because you sucked *mine*…and I want more of that. You do too. I am going to suck and fuck you until you don’t doubt what you want.” Jensen stated it so point blank that Jared was alarmed at his cock stirring to life again. Jensen wrapped one hand around Jared’s rising interest and smiled. “I don’t share, Jared. This is mine til I say different. You understand?”

 

 

Jared said he did understand… but part of him wondered what he was getting into. He was sure he was not fully aware of what might happen. How Jensen might turn his world over and around- still? He wanted to know. He desperately wanted to know...and he never looked back.

 

tbc


	3. Chapter 3- Tears and Fears

Both Sides Now

 

Chapter 3 – tears & fears

 

“Tears and fears and feeling proud

To say I love you right out loud

Dreams and schemes and circus crowds

I’ve looked at life that way…”

 

(Both Sides Now, Joni Mitchell)

 

Flashback…

 

Jared didn’t feel like he was on borrowed time in this relationship. He wasn’t just waiting it out for the moment he knew he would have to go, let Jensen down easy. He had never felt before what he felt with Jensen. Not the passion or the calm. Jensen had proved himself to Jared in ways that Jared had not even known he was missing. Jensen wasn’t worried about Jared’s father disapproving of him. Jensen acted like Dalton’s approval would barely register even if it was given. That attitude helped strengthen Jared in return. Next to Jensen, he felt stronger. More assured. There was nothing he couldn’t do. But still Jared hesitated to share the worst of himself, as he saw it. Jensen didn’t push, but he wondered. Whenever Jensen would make mention of Jared having lived away from Gatlin, Jared changed the subject- but it wouldn’t hold forever. They had been dating for almost a year before Jensen found out Jared’s secret. The reason Jared had left Gatlin.

 

Curled up in Jensen’s bed, Jared smiled at the array of glow in the dark stars over their heads, all over the walls. He sighed softly. 

 

“I think they’re beautiful. Are you really making Chris take them down?”

 

Jensen grumbled next to him, wanting to just luxuriate in having amazing sex with his boyfriend, but Jared wanted to speak on Chris’ behalf. Chris, Jensen’s best friend, who thought it was hilarious to sneak in and put glow in the dark constellations all over Jensen’s ceiling and walls- since: ‘you ain’t ever goin’ outdoors any more now that you got Jared.’ It just figured that Jared would think it was pretty. No wait, ‘beautiful’. Jensen would have to tell Chris that his little crafts project just made Jared more fuckable. Jensen strummed his fingertips over the beautiful dip of Jared’s abdomen right over his damp and sated cock, more interested in Jared’s barely visible nudity in the dark than the plastic stars.

 

“I can leave them up if you like them.”

 

“Like in the Everclear song. You know? ‘She’s got pale green stars… in her room…right above her bed…’ That song.” Jared didn’t think for a second he had a good singing voice, but Jensen always tried to get him to sing anyway. Like it didn’t matter if Jared was shy over it and might not be able to finish a lyric. Jensen would just start singing *with* him, taking the lower registers or the higher, depending, weaving his voice around Jared’s until it seemed really okay to sing- even if Jared wasn’t a singer, and never thought he was.

 

“I know the song. I was all over that C.D. when it came out…” Jensen kissed the side of Jared’s neck, nuzzling under his chin. Jensen loved hearing Jared sing, just getting him to relax and open up. Jared was better than he thought he was, and if coaxed, he had a pretty voice, one made for ballads and storytelling. “You know… I spend a lot of time…thinking about how we were both born here... and then you were gone. It’s weird. We should’ve met a long time ago…” 

 

Jensen paused, feeling Jared tense. He kissed the younger man gently. “Jared, you never talk about it. If you want me to quit… hinting or asking, I’ll try…but I keep feeling like there’s something about you… that you need to say. Maybe you want to and you’re afraid. You don’t have to be afraid with me. You never have to be afraid with me. I am right here. There’s absolutely nothing you can say or do that will make me not love you anymore. You know that, right?”

 

 

The words felt like rain in Jared’s heart. Renewing, life-giving. He had wanted to tell Jensen everything about himself, from start to finish- but he had never given into the urge. Because somewhere within himself, Jared wasn’t sure he was what Jensen would want any more if Jensen knew the truth. Why Jared had to go to Austin to live with his aunt when he was five. Staying there until he came back for college. That was a long span of time to be away from your immediate family. As a child, Jared had taken his exile to mean that he had done something wrong. That he was the one that had to go. Jeff and Megan were good and wanted, but Jared was the problem. He sat up in bed and put his face in his hands. He felt Jensen moving with him, a strong arm going around Jared’s shoulders, holding on.

 

The silence eddied between them, as patient as the waves hissing to surf. There was a soft trilling at the door before a Russian Blue kitten was coming to stand beside the bed, head lifted imperiously. Jensen reached down and grasped his cat gently, settling her to the bed at his side. The feline princess sniffed at Jared’s presence but curled up beside her owner adoringly. Jensen stroked over her head, Di, the little goddess of the hunt. Her soft purr was soothing, tiny paws kneading the bedding as she reclined. Watching Jensen carefully, Jared just couldn’t believe that Jensen would be as likely to reject him as he imagined. Couldn’t be. Jared chose to move past his fear of Jensen’s reaction, wanting to give the other man at least the benefit of the doubt. There was a chance, right, that Jensen might not be disgusted with him? Jared had never told anyone else aside from Chad- trusting his best friend implicitly. With good reason. Chad was a vault. He might talk a lot of trash and get into trouble, but he was solid gold as a friend. He had told Jared straight out that Jared’s family was fucked up, not him. It made Jared feel somewhat better, though he told Chad not to say that about his folks. Please. To his credit, Chad never mentioned it again, but there were times Jared suspected Chad was thinking about it, the way Chad would eye Dalton, Jared’s father, like he was chewing on words he couldn’t spit out. Taking a deep breath, Jared did his best.

 

“When I was five, my uncle came to live with us. He’s my Dad’s brother. Curtis.”

 

He hated saying the name and that came across in how he spit it out.

 

“He was an alcoholic. Not like Dean Martin - not controlled or functional. By the time he got to our house he was the ‘falling down drunk’ type. Breaking things. Threatening to shoot my folks with his gun if they didn’t let him get more to drink or unlock the bar in the basement. He was violent until they’d give him his pills. He was on something that was supposed to calm him down. I don’t know what it was. Jeff was scared to death of Curtis. The outbursts, the threats, all the times Curtis went after Dad or Mom, knocking us aside if we were in the way. Jeff couldn’t abide with it so Dad would take Jeff out more. Baseball, movies, things like that. Dad said I could stay home because I was a baby. Anyway… Curtis started being nice to me after awhile. Paying attention to me. No one else really did. I wasn’t old enough to go anywhere and my mom quit wanting to show me off once I wasn’t little any more. I had a lot of time on my own… then Curtis was there. He spent a lot of time with me, talking to me, acting like he wanted to know everything I liked. He read to me, watched cartoons… “

 

Jared looked down, his hands nervously twisting in the sheets pooled over his lap. He was hesitant, wishing he could say all of this from far, far away. If it went badly, he wanted to be able to be invisible, not have to see Jensen reject him. Jensen’s hand rested over his fumbling fingers, just a warm pressure, nothing more. Jared found his voice again.

 

“I didn’t know there was anything bad about how he gave me baths. He had me sit on his lap a lot , tickling me, sometimes he tucked me into bed. He touched me.”

 

There was a pregnant pause, Jared ‘s stomach dropping out.

 

“My parents walked in on him… t-touching me…after my bath. I was naked. I didn’t know it meant anything. I thought it was just his way of doing things. Like we were playing. But he couldn’t hide what he had been doing. They knew. They never said a word to me about it. Just sent me to bed. Whatever they said to Curtis, I don’t know. I just laid there... wondering what was wrong. Why they looked at me like they didn’t know me. All I knew was that he was staying and I was going. They decided Curtis... needed more help. So they sent me to Austin to live with my Aunt Arlene and my cousin James. That’s where I was. They kept Curtis with them… and I was sent away.”

 

They sat in silence until Jared wondered if Jensen was trying to think of the best way to get the hell away from him. Break it off now because Jared was obviously not who he seemed to be. Finally Jensen was reaching over and turning on the bedside lamp. Jared saw the fury in Jensen’s eyes and expected the worst. He was the bad one. He was the one to blame. 

 

“Where is this motherfucker now?”

 

Jared was taken aback at the reverberating rage in Jensen’s tone, a hum of barely kept back emotion.

 

“My uncle?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Jensen you can’t do anything to my uncle.”

 

“Why not?” Jensen snarled, sudden anger flashing in his eyes. 

 

Jared stopped Jensen when Jensen started to refute him, putting a finger to Jensen’s lips. “You’re an officer of the law. You’re not some crazed vigilante. You can’t go off all Chuck Norris. Please.”

 

“Your *fucking* parents. They don’t deserve to call themselves parents, I sure as hell wouldn’t call them that,” Jensen’s head hurt, pounding at his temples with how angered he was. He wanted to snap the bastard’s neck. His parents would have taken a tire iron to anyone that ever touched him or his siblings. No questions asked. A parent walking in on something like that, how could you just send your baby away? How could they do that to Jared? Jensen clasped his skull in his palms, pushing in until he trusted his vocal chords to work. “They never should have done you that way, Jay. Not in a million years. They were supposed to protect you. Your parents are supposed to put you first. He was…molesting you. Their own flesh and blood. Jesus wept.”

 

Jared shivered as he heard how livid Jensen was- but if Jensen’s anger was a fire, it was burning hot and bright through some of Jared’s fears. Those things he had thought and never said aloud. His parents had deserted him. Treated him like a leper. As if he brought it on himself. He remembered his father telling him, via the car-ride to Austin, “Curtis isn’t right in the head right now. He doesn’t know what he’s doing, but you shoulda known not to let no man touch you that way. You better stay outta trouble at your aunt’s place, you hear me? We got a lot on our plates right now without you stirrin up more trouble.” Jared had never forgotten that ‘goodbye’ from his father. Or how his parents twisted the truth into them having been ‘strong enough’ to spare Jared seeing his beloved uncle suffering through alcoholism. It became a sign to everyone else of how dedicated Jared’s parents were to him, letting him go someplace they felt 

more appropriate to *his* needs and upbringing as they did the good deed of seeing to Curtis. They came out smelling like roses. The rest of the family seemed willing to believe it too. Jared never said otherwise. He never felt like he could. Curtis was ‘healed’ and accepted back into the fold. Since it was known Jared tried to avoid Curtis, some ignorantly claimed Jared was being spiteful over having to share his parents with his uncle. Jared let them talk. He just steered clear of Curtis and took the flak for it in silence.

 

“I’ve made peace with it, Jensen. It was a long time ago.” It wasn’t true, he had no more peace now than he did as a child- but sometimes Jared tried to believe it.

 

“No, it really wasn’t. It’s been part of your whole life.” Jensen passed a hand over his face, getting his bearings. “I’m sorry anyone ever hurt you like that. I would break his dick off in a heartbeat and feed it to him. I swear to God I would.”

 

Jared believed him. He pulled Jensen close. “I know it’s not easy to understand. I don’t always understand it myself…but I’ve managed to bear it… so…please… don’t blow it up all over again. For me. Do that for me. It’s enough that you know. That you don’t think less of me…shh… let me finish. I need my family. I love them, good or bad. I want to be able to see my parents and not have it be a bad thing over and over again. Even if they did me wrong, I need my family. I know how messed up I sound. Believe me, I know. Sometimes I thought I was going to come apart thinking about it all…”

 

Sighing deeply, Jensen bit back all the wrong things to say. “I love you. I love everything about you… and I still don’t see anything bad. There’s nothing bad about you. He was sick and wrong- and you were a little kid. You were let down by the people that should have moved mountains for you. They should have ripped him apart, Jay. They were wrong, not you. I will try not to… fly off the handle… but that doesn’t change what I know to be true.”

 

Jared nodded, speaking somberly. “You remember when I told you the other day that I love you? For the first time, when I said it? I waited until you made me fall in love with you to say it… and it just happened again. I just fell in love with you again, Jensen.”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

(tbc)


	4. Chapter 4- It's Cloud's Illusions, I Recall

Present day…

 

Working at a day-care, you learnt early on that there was no such thing as a break. Jared liked it that way. He kept very busy and knew that when ‘quiet hour’ rolled around, the kids were going to need it. They didn’t have to nap, but every child had a mat and blanket brought from home. They all had their calm hour before being released again. The littlest ones always fell asleep, curled to their pillows as Jared or Sam read a story to them in a lulling tone. The older kids just read or colored, but it was a good time for whichever adult wasn’t reading to set up for more activities. Jared was setting up the water and sand table while Sam read ‘The Giving Tree’ to the children. Jared enjoyed Shel Silverstein in general- but ‘The Giving Tree’ always struck him as terribly sad. He felt the love was so one-sided in the story, as if you could give everything and that would be all you ever did. Maybe he was missing the point but it seemed uneven

to him. He could always take the book home for Jensen to read and see what his husband thought.

 

He smiled imagining Jensen’s face when handed the children’s classic. Jensen would read it but there would be snarky comments first. Jared sort of looked forward to those comments. Jensen always made him laugh, being just exactly who he was- not caring how other people reacted. That was one side of Jensen. The other side was the father to their children, husband, friend, crush and love. Jared had a few ways he saw Jensen and none of them lacked respect and admiration. Jensen’s bravery in general urged Jared’s on in more areas of his own life. He was more likely to try things and pursue his dreams because Jensen would look at him like *of course* he should go after what he wanted, why wouldn’t he? Jared arranged the little watering cans along the table’s edge, making sure the bags of colored sand were all in order, extra pink bags because the little girls loved the pink sand best. They only broke out the sand once a week but it was immensely 

popular despite being messy as hell. He realized he had forgotten to grab the plastic molds to shape the wet sand and turned to go and get into the bins. 

 

The next thing he knew, Jared was stumbling from an unexpected wave of dizziness, the corner of the table catching him in the temple. He hit the brightly colored tile and felt white-hot pain bolt into his nervous system. He had cut his forehead and blood was gushing out. He heard running feet, adult feet, thank God and looked up blearily as one of their aides, Alona Tal, crouched over him with a stricken look. The gash in his brow looked about three inches long, but it was hard to be sure, the blood made a mess of him. She pressed a wadded towel to his wound and called out, “Sam! Sam, come in here! Jared-…”

 

“Don’t say…” Jared groaned, trying to sit up, his head hurting ferociously. “Don’t scare the kids.”

 

He looked so waxen that Alona feared taking him up on his words but she pressed her lips together. Holding the cloth to his head, she noticed the material was getting wet, not stopping the blood flow. “Jared, I think you need to go to the hospital. You’re still bleeding.”

 

“Head wounds always bleed.” But his voice sounded thread to his own ears and Alona wasn’t really asking him his opinion. She was speaking over her shoulder to Sam as the head of the day-care appeared in the doorway. Jared missed what was said but Sam sort of caught him up.

 

The older woman, also his sister-in-law, crouched in front of him with a staunch look. “You’re going to the emergency room. Don’t make me call Jensen and tell on you. I’ll keep Maggie here with me and you’ll go get your stitches like the giant big boy you are..… Capice?”

 

Jared did not nod, afraid his head might roll free of his neck it hurt so much. “Yeah, okay. Don’t bother Jensen. It’s nothing.. It’s just blood.”

 

Alona looked unconvinced, her pale face pinched with worry as she and Sam helped Jared to his feet. The petite blonde looked to Sam. “I’ll drive him there. Won’t let him out of my sight.”

 

Sam patted Alona on the shoulder before she looked back to Jared, seeing how he weaved on his feet. The two women helped him out to Alona’s car, despite his insistence he could walk on his own. Sam knew if Jared keeled over there was no way she could get him back up on her own OR with Alona’s help. They would be out of their weight class. She stood by the door worriedly even after Alona’s Subaru vanished from view. Something just didn’t sit right. Jared had really been bleeding. A lot. She told herself not to borrow trouble and walked back inside. She needed to clean up the blood and sand, glad that they had extra help working today. Always a wise idea on Fridays, but especially with Jared gone. He was so good with the kids that they flocked to him, demanding his attention.

 

Jared was a beacon to the children and she had gotten to know him well working together so much. Kind-hearted, sweet to a fault, Jared was the first of the Padaleckis to have accepted her as Jeff’s girlfriend and then wife. The age difference had not fazed Jared and he helped her pave her way with the rest of the family. Making a point to invite her along to family things no matter how casual, Jared would also talk about her finer points to other members of Jeff’s family- a fact Sam later learnt from Meg.. Megan professed to Sam that she had been intimidated by her at first. Sam had been just an older woman that was taking one of her big brothers away. Meg had not known how to even strike up a conversation with Sam, let alone see her as a future sister-in-law. Not adverse to Jeff being in love with an older woman, just not sure how to relate to her. Jared had coaxed Meg into spending more time with Sam and their bond had grown from there. Jared was 

very good at talking his little sister into trusting Sam, giving her a chance. Sam would never forget his efforts on her behalf. He was kind to her past the point of what he ‘had’ to do, by all means. 

 

When it came to the heads of the Padalecki household, Dalton and Susan, Jared had given Sam some pointers there too. He had taken her aside privately, away from Jeff, to tell her that his parents were not going to be nice at first. They would try to rattle Sam even if it angered Jeff or hurt her feelings. They would call it ‘just their way’ and say they just wanted what was best for their boy, but they really didn’t like their eldest son entering into a marriage that didn’t promise them grandkids. That was the root of the matter.

 

Sam had responded by saying, “But they have your kids…and Megan, someday…”

“Let me clarify.” Jared stated more plainly. “They want grandchildren that they have more say over. They don’t have that with my kids and never will. Me and Jensen are the parents to our children, no one else. It’s only one of the reasons they get uptight around Jensen. He never gives them any ground to stand on with him. They don’t know how to take that.”

 

“Oh. Well he’s a grown man. So are you.” Sam had to think it over from then on and saw Jared was right. Dalton and Susan seemed to enjoy giving her a hard time and making her feel like the odd man out- even after she was married to Jeff a year into their courtship. She didn’t dislike Jeff’s folks, but she wasn’t crazy about them either. She saw them as part of Jeff that she needed to reconcile with. At least Meg, Ricky, Jensen, Jared and their kids came with the package. They definitely made up for her in-laws. 

 

 

Sam didn’t let the occasional slight from Susan or off-color comment from Dalton ruin her time with the family when they were really only two members that were a pain. She could tolerate them in the light of spending time with her husband and the rest of the Padalecki clan.

 

Funny, really, how Jensen made it more Ackles than Padalecki over time, since Jared had his name as did the children. Dalton would love to hear someone say that the ‘Ackles’ were taking over. The vein on the left side of the older man’s forehead might finally pop. Dalton made no bones about getting rankled over Jensen. There didn’t seem to be a thing Jensen did that didn’t irritate Dalton and neither man was going to change any time soon. If Jensen told his twins to behave, Dalton would boom out ‘boys will be boys’ and that went over like a lead balloon. Jensen had told his father-in-law then and there that *he* was the parent, not Dalton. Dalton had slammed into the family room and held a sullen silence for almost an hour before being coaxed back by Megan. Sam had a great deal of respect for Jensen. He didn’t go out of his way to irritate or cross Dalton, but he never backed down either. Not if it had to do with Jared or his children. Then Jensen was immovable.

 

She hoped in time that Jeff might have more of that backbone with Dalton and Susan, but it hadn’t happened yet. Jeff still shared more of what Sam considered ‘their’ business with his parents than she would like. When they considered buying a new home, Susan invited herself along to help them. Susan hired an interior decorator as a ‘surprise’ telling Sam that she knew ‘how hard it can be to make the right decisions when you’ve never outfitted a proper home before.’ Even as Jeff insisted his mother meant no offense, in the language of women- Sam knew better.

 

Just thinking about Susan Padalecki, empress of Gatlin, Sam was grumbling while she cleaned up the activities table, a frown on her pretty face. Sometime she was going to go Jensen’s route and give her in-laws what for. Some day. 

 

***

 

Alona was almost as waxen as Jared, sitting in the squeaky plastic chair by the examining table he was lying on. He had not said much since they arrived and she had worried about getting him inside, but he managed to walk in. He just seemed to be a little worse than she expected from a bump to the head. Maybe he had a concussion? She watched as the E.R. came in, knowing Jared- of course he did, Jeff was the town doctor that had an office just down on the first floor of the hospital. Alona noticed Jared wasn’t making small talk, which wasn’t like him. The doctor on call gave Jared’s wound six stitches, making sure the wound was not still bleeding. Gently prodding the area around the cut, the doctor made a faint sound of inquiry, obviously to himself. There was no noticeable coagulation occurring, the blood not even crusting as it should. 

 

“Jared, I want you to lie here and rest. I’m going to draw some blood. Just for my own peace of mind. You’re going to live, of course, I just want to make sure you’re good to go home before I release you. I don’t need the sheriff kicking my ass for being too hasty.”

 

Jared groaned at the words and turned his eyes up to Dr. Behr. Jason had gone to school with Jensen, and they were good friends- which meant Jared asking Jason not to call Jensen was going to go ignored most likely. Jared hated bothering Jensen at work. Over a knock to the head, no less. 

 

“I can rest at home. I’m fine. I’ll even leave work early. Just go get Maggie and head home…”

 

“Your color is bad, your blood pressure’s not what I’d like and you lost more blood than I feel you should have. So you’re staying put, being a good patient and letting me use all my fancy equipment till I say otherwise, alright?”

 

Dr. Jason Behr smiled, dark green eyes a little worried. He turned to Alona, seeing how she was looking anxious. 

 

“Help keep the prisoner here, okay? Can I count on you?”

 

She tried to smile gamely for the darkly handsome doctor, but she was a little too concerned to completely pull it off.

 

“I’ll do my best. He’s not going anywhere.”

 

Dr. Behr left the room and Jared sat up experimentally. He was glad of the local anathesia they had given him but he needed more painkillers. Something.

 

“You have any Tylenol, Alona?”

 

She searched through her purse, the small bag surprisingly full of things. “Aleve?”

 

“It’ll do.” Jared dry-swallowed the caplets and rested again. He watched the ceiling tiles as he heard Alone texting someone. “Don’t be calling Jensen.”

 

“Hush up. I’m texting Sam that you’re okay. She worries about you.” Alona glanced sidelong to Jared. “I do too... You bled like a blood piñata.”

 

“Nice mental image. Thanks for that.” Jared closed his eyes to the bright overhead light. He was just starting to relax when Jeff entered the exam room.

 

His older brother, Jeff, the town doctor and favored son. No less than a sterling example if you went by their parents’ accolades. Jared didn’t resent his older brother- just, sometimes? Jeff tempted him to say things he had sworn to keep to himself. All those words he locked down deep, there were moments Jeff would make Jared want to enlighten him about family truths. Jared never gave in, no matter how upset he became when Jeff spoke over things he didn’t know all about.

 

“You didn’t have to come up here, Jeff. I’m alright..”

 

Jeff nodded briefly to Alona before he sauntered over to stand beside his brother. Few men towered over Jared’s six-five, but at six-seven, Jeff managed nicely. He patted his little brother’s shoulder and then looked over Jared’s wan face.

 

“It’s not far…and I had to come have a look. Don’t get you in here much, with your constitution being so stout. It’s a shame. The medical industry needs your money too, you know.”

 

“Sorry to let you down.” Jared joked softly, not too put out when Jeff shone a penlight into his eyes.

 

“It’s alright. I know how you can make it up to me.”

 

Jeff spoke good-naturedly but Jared knew what was coming up. They’d already had this mini-argument earlier in the week. Jeff glanced to his little brother.

 

“You could stop being stubborn and come to the anniversary dinner for Aunt Kate and Uncle Sherman.”

 

Jared’s glare to his brother was quick and then gone. He so did not want to have this conversation, especially in front of Alona. His co-worker. He grimaced slightly. “I already declined, Jeff. I don’t think I need to run that by you.”

 

“Maybe not, but you know it’s not right. Uncle Sherman and Aunt Kate love you to death and they’re not going to be around forever. Fifty is a big one, man.” Jeff crossed his arms over his chest and barely noticed when Alone quietly excused herself from the room. Jeff was taller than Jared, broader too, more heavily muscled but not thick. He just took care of himself. Despite their hair being the same shade, Jeff’s was cut very short and tidy. The brothers had many differences and their family issues tended to show that. Jared avoided certain events- important ones- always having some reason he was too important or busy to go. Usually Jeff let it slide but this was a biggie. 

 

There were times Jeff felt Jensen’s influence over Jared was too absolute, like Jensen ‘controlled’ his baby brother- but then Sam would smile and remind her husband that she controlled HIM, and to mind his own business. This was a true story. Sam did call the shots 

most of the time, but that was because she was right. Jeff didn’t quite know how to take Jensen. 

 

There was just no slack in the guy. The way Jensen would needle Jeff’s father was proof of that. “So what’s so important that you can’t make it to the party?”

 

Wishing Dr. Behr would come back already and release him, Jared groaned inwardly. He felt like he was trial here. He was a captive audience, at the very least, getting grilled by Jeff when he was down. “We have plans. We’re taking the kids to see Jensen’s aunt in Austin…”

 

Jeff edged a brow upwards. “That right?”

 

 

“Yeah.” Jared sighed tiredly. “Jeff, don’t make it a big thing.”

 

“What am I making into a big thing? The fact that you need a note from Jensen to see your own family or that you’re bailing on us to go see some aunt of his?”

 

“You don’t even know what you’re talking about.” Jared ground out. His cheeks finally showed some color as he got angry. He hated it when Jeff acted jealous over Jensen- or as if he was more family to Jared than Jared’s husband and children were. Jeff didn’t say that outright, but Jared wasn’t obtuse. He knew how many little digs his mother could make without being too direct and sometimes Jeff shared that trait. Not owning up to being angry, content to chip away at someone else until it seemed like *they* lost their temper over nothing. Jared was not fond of that aspect of his mother’s personality and it pissed him off to see Jeff exhibiting the passive-aggressive crap too. “I don’t need a note from Jensen. You could just talk to ME without bringing my husband into it. I was the one that got the invitation in the mail and called Mom to tell her it wasn’t happening.”

 

“Because Uncle Curtis is going to be there.” Jeff said, and it wasn’t a question. Jared avoided their Uncle Curtis like the man was the Antichrist. Jeff found the behavior immature and hateful- traits he wasn’t used to applying to his brother. Jared was always so damned dedicated and kind, but with Uncle Curtis it was a steel wall that fell over Jared’s personality. There was no room in Jared’s heart for their uncle, and it wasn’t fair. Yes, Curtis had been an alcoholic and had needed help from his brother Dalton to get better- that didn’t mean the man was scum. Jeff knew Jared blamed Uncle Curtis for things Jared didn’t really comprehend. Curtis had come to stay with Dalton, Susan and their kids. They were Curtis’ last chance to get sober. Dalton cared for his brother but there came a point when it was decided it was a bad environment for Jared. So Jared was sent to live with their Aunt Arlene, Susan’s sister. Jared stayed with 

Arlene and grew up there, coming home for summers and the holidays. It wasn’t a perfect arrangement, but it was the best their parents could. Just wasn’t enough for Jared apparently. Jared wouldn’t step foot in any place Uncle Curtis was, even though the man was sober now, remarried, living a good life. “You can’t avoid him forever, Jared. We’re family.”

 

The door of the exam room opened and Jared looked over, expecting to see Dr.. Behr, but it was Jensen walking in. Jensen wore his black uniform, black uniforms being one of the first changes Jensen made once he became sheriff. No more khaki. Jensen saw the way the brothers were looking at each other and duly noted the glare from Jeff before his brother-in-law was smiling to him tightly. 

 

“How’s things, Jensen?”

 

“Fine.” Jensen went to his husband and cupped a hand over Jared’s head, strands of Jared’s hair weaving between his fingers. “Are you okay? I came as quick as I heard.”

 

“Damnit, Alona.” Jared didn’t sound angry because he wasn’t. He was relieved to see Jensen. It might make Jeff shut up for awhile. He was not prepared to argue with his brother right now. He smiled to his husband, trying to alleviate Jensen’s worries. “Dr. Behr is just keeping me here to show he’s mad with power.”

 

“Sounds like Jason.” Jensen smiled a little and gently finger-combed Jared’s hair back from his bandaged brow. “You fell over at work? Alona didn’t call me, by the way. Sam did.”

 

“Oh.” Blushing a little, Jared wished he hadn’t worried Sam. He never even called in sick to work, was never late. It went against his grain to feel like he was letting Sam down or putting more work on her. Being kept here, detained, was a pain in the ass. He had a job to get to. His children needed him. He didn’t like having to lie on a table and wait to be let go. He had too many things to do. “The boys have soccer practice tonight.”

 

“Chris said he’d take them.” The response was calming, Jensen wanting Jared to stop his mental itinerary long enough to at least get looked at by his E.R. doctor without arguing. “He’s picking them up at school. I told him no chili dogs for dinner this time.”

 

“Good call.” Closing his eyes, Jared felt immediately soothed to have Jensen there. He relaxed his body and just leaned into Jensen’s hand. “I don’t want them running with that mess in their stomachs.”

 

Jeff knew Jensen was wondering what he had walked in on. It was like the elephant in the room. Jensen wasn’t asking, but he did give a few measured looks. It just cemented what Jeff considered to be true. Jensen called the shots and Jared fell in line like a doll. “I think I’ll just go see what’s keeping Jason. Hopefully he’s not cornered an intern and forgot all about you, kid brother.”

 

Willing to take the temporary white flag, Jared smiled a little, looking to Jeff. “If he has, just come tell me so I can leave.”

 

“Will do.” Jeff left the room, going to hunt down the other doctor.

 

“So...” Jensen said once they were alone. “…what is it I’m not supposed to notice? Was he yanking your chain over something?”

 

“Anniversary dinner.” Jared shrugged tightly. “You know how it is.”

 

Jensen made a noncommittal sound and then took off his jacket, setting it aside. He was getting hot in the little room. He sat on the table beside Jared, feeling Jared caressing his back as they sat together. “I know how JEFF is. Dalton. Susan. But I don’t know how it is for *you* until you tell me. If you want me to talk to Jeff…”

 

“No. Don’t.” Wincing, Jared closed his eyes a moment before looking to Jensen again. “I don’t want a blowout, Jen. I told him we’re going to see your aunt in Austin. Which we are. It’s not like I’m lying. Besides the kids love their Aunt Missouri. They climb all over her every chance they get.”

Jensen’s aunt had married his uncle Shane about forty years ago. Shane had passed away from a heart condition six years ago, and Jensen tried to make a point of visiting his aunt all he could. She was not lonely, helping to run the shelter that she owned, but he still worried. He wished she would move closer but she was a very independent woman. The kids, like Jared said, adored their aunt to distraction and she knew how to cook like no one else. He knew that she would have a real spread waiting for them when they arrived at her home in Austin. It was going to be a good time. Yeah, he had planned it after Jared’s mom called about the anniversary dinner, but he knew it might help Jared to ease off going to the other family event if he could say he was already promised elsewhere. If it was solely Jensen’s choice to make, he would just tell Susan to her face *exactly* why they weren’t going to the Padalecki dinner and why that was a GOOD thing. But in the 

spirit of not completely alienating Jared’s parents, Jensen tried to keep himself in check. He didn’t care what Dalton and Susan thought. Jared *did*. It made a difference. He looked down to Jared, green eyes full of his thoughts, many of which he wouldn’t go into here and now.

 

“Even if we were just staying home, that would be our business. Not Jeff’s. There’s a reason he doesn’t say that shit in front of me, Jared. He knows you feel bad. I’m not saying you’re wrong for feeling how you do, but he doesn’t need to ride you over it. He’s being a little bitch.”

 

That made Jared laugh shortly. “Sorry, just, you’re the only one I’ve ever heard call my brother ‘little’ anything. It’s funny.”

 

“I’m a charmer.” The easy warmth of Jensen’s voice was sweet even if he was being sarcastic. He rubbed a hand over Jared’s belly, not liking how pale Jared still was. It wasn’t just the florescent lights either. Jared had rings under his eyes that Jensen had missed that morning in the rush of getting the boys off to school with homework packed, lunch money in hand and patted down for anything they shouldn’t be taking to school. Maggie was the easy one, just sitting there watching and grinding applesauce into her hair. “You sleep last night, babe?”

 

“Yeah. Yeah, I did. I just, I think it’s the weather. I’ve been sleepy.” A little smile curled Jared’s lips. “Maybe we can go home after and sneak in a nap. That’d be a good way to relax, don’t you think?” Warm hazel eyes sparkled in something more than the need to rest. “I’d let you do most the work since I’m supposed to be resting. Interested?”

 

“If we weren’t in a public place where your brother might walk in any second, I’d be using this flat surface to show you ‘interested’.” Bending down, Jensen brushed his lips to Jared’s, smiling as his husband slid him some tongue. He deepened the kiss, giving Jared more access to his mouth and taking the same liberties. Jared was a superb kisser, making Jensen feel like he was just about to lock the door and do what he wanted to anyway with his love. 

 

A throat was cleared and then again, seconded. Jensen looked up and saw Dr. Behr had returned, Jeff just behind him. They were both looking elsewhere and that was sorta cute. Like they’d never seen people kiss before. Jensen sat back, the thick holster at his side creaking as he moved, looking attentively to Dr. Jason Behr.

 

“So, what’s the verdict? Can I take him home? House arrest?”

 

Jason looked at Jensen and wished he could say something cavalier back and send the men on their way. That would be the ideal. The best outcome included being able to say everything checked out fine. Dr. Behr looked so serious that Jensen and Jared both lost their smiles. Holding his clipboard tightly, Jason cleared his throat. 

 

“I don’t want you to worry, but I feel we might need to run more tests. Before you leave this evening, Jared, there is some blood work and levels I want to go over again. You lost quite a bit of blood from your head injury and I’m not alone in thinking it was excessive bleeding, even considering where it was. Your B.P. is abnormal and we want to check your white cell count and activity.”

 

Jared was perplexed, seeing how Jensen was staring hard at Dr. Behr. “Dr. Behr, Jeff… what are you thinking? You both look like you saw a ghost or something. What’s wrong? Tell me. Jeff, say something.”

 

Jeff’s throat worked tightly and he was having trouble looking at his little brother- or Jensen. He had read over Jared’s stats in the other room, listening to Jason’s fledgling fears. Jason might be overreacting. There was a chance Jared just needed a diet change or more exercise. It could be that Jared just required more rest and some proteins- but Jeff was too smart to buy that. He knew better. It looked serious even from a distance. Now, looking at his brother, Jeff saw some signs he had overlooked earlier as they were talking. So intent on giving Jared a hard time over the family dinner, Jeff chided himself inside, just had to be right. Now the symptoms were there and almost making him want to leave the room. 

 

“Jared, when you were admitted you were running a fever of 102.5, your blood pressure was very low. Usually it goes up in times of stress or worry. Your blood isn’t coagulating properly, keeping your wound from scabbing over naturally. Jason noticed that when he was stitching your temple. Some of the symptoms, on their own, can be explained away. We all have very different reactions despite our similarities…”

 

“JEFF.” Jensen cut into the rambling, unable to keep hearing everything but what they wanted to know. Jared’s hand felt cold in his own, their fingers lacing together tightly. “What is it? What do you think is the matter? Tell us.”

 

 

Dr. Behr briefly squeezed Jeff’s upper arm through his white coat before answering for him.

 

“It’s too early to say for certain but we want to test you for leukemia, Jared.”

 

“Leukemia?” Jared whispered the word and it felt foreign on his lips. Like he had never heard of it before. Disease, fatal illness was like a monster in the dark that you would never want to draw close to you if you could help it. He frowned in confusion and shook his head. “There’s no way. I’m fine. I just tripped.”

 

Jensen’s head was swimming and he moved closer to Jared, holding him to the side of his body, feeling how his husband was trembling. Or was that himself? Jensen wasn’t sure. He told himself to keep breathing. He nodded to Jason and Jeff. 

 

“Start looking. The sooner you look and do your tests … the sooner you’ll know it’s not leukemia. He’s been tired… he works too hard. Too much. He can take some down time…” Jensen said, unconsciously stroking Jared’s back in a soothing rhythm. 

 

 

Head bowing, Jason wished he didn’t know them both. It made it all the harder to hear them taking the news. He could not sit back and have distance when he cared about the men in front of him. He met Jensen’s aggrieved eyes and tried to remember the people before him needed his skill and knowledge, not his pity.

 

“We are going to admit you tonight, Jared. You have time to go home, have something to eat and pack a few things. When you come back, you can go to the main desk. An orderly or nurse will show you to the fourth floor and process you there.”

 

It wasn’t quite sinking in. Jared felt numb all over. There was his life on one side of his perspective, and he was awake, this was happening- but then again it was impossible and surreal. Leukemia? That meant death. In his mind it clicked over, leukemia, cancer, death. Just that swiftly, like dominos falling one into the other. He was young, had a family, he had the love of his life. This couldn’t be right, couldn’t be happening. It had just been a fall, nothing more. How did that lead to cancer? He had trouble breathing, having to swallow reflexively to keep his panic at bay. His voice was a rasp when he asked, “How soon will you know for sure?”

 

“By tomorrow. We do all our lab work here.” Jeff answered quietly, wanting to break something. He did not need lab work to know what the symptoms were saying. He was seeing not only his brother now, but everything Jared was going to have to go through if he wanted to live. He saw that Jensen was almost as pale as Jared and offered, “We need to know what we’re dealing with, if anything, and then begin treatment. Do you want me to drive you both home? Are you alright to drive?”

 

“I’ve got it.” Jensen said softly. He was shaken to his core, like an icicle dagger was stabbed hard into his gut. God, he should have brought Jared in days ago when his husband seemed to tire more easily. He should have noticed Jared was pale, not just because of not getting enough sun. All the excuses he made in his head for missing the signs were falling flat. Jensen did not care that he wasn’t a doctor and couldn’t have known. He was meant to care for Jared and that circumvented all the reasons why he was blameless. “Are we free to go right now?”

 

“Yes.” Dr. Behr replied calmly. “We’ll see you in a few hours, Jared. Try to keep calm. We’re just testing you, there is nothing definite.”

 

“Thanks.” Jared said it habitually, not even hearing himself. He slid from the table, crinkling the thin white paper over the vinyl cushions. He looked for his jacket and realized he had left it at the day-care.. Jensen slid his own jacket over Jared’s arm, helping him into it. Jensen’s regulation jacket was heavier than the corduroy jacket Jared favored, but it was his husband’s, and he needed that right now.. Jensen’s scent around him was a comfort. Jared managed to nod to his brother and Dr. Behr before he was following Jensen into the corridor.

 

They walked down the too bright hallway, hearing the buzzing lights over them and the starkly outlined walls spotted with pasture scenes and floral bouquet paintings. For people that might never be outside again, Jensen grimly thought. Let them see what they were missing, being trapped in a goddamned hospital.

 

“Hey.”

 

Jared whispered the word, seeing the furious set to Jensen’s features, the look he hadn’t seen since the night he told Jensen why he had left Gatlin as a child. That same look. Helpless anger. He caught Jensen’s arm and gently pulled him to a stop. Their eyes met and Jared felt like he might start crying, because the ferocity of Jensen’s fear was looking right back to him, blazing hot and green from expressive eyes.. Jared’s breath caught and he pulled his husband close.

 

“Don’t Jen, don’t, please. We don’t know anything yet. Once we do…baby… once we do, I’ll take the treatments. It’s going to be fine. Please. Don’t blame yourself for me being sick. Like you said… I might need to work less. Something. Don’t be angry…with yourself… I love you. I love you.”

 

Jensen felt a hard trembling deep inside, the worst fear he had ever felt. Standing in that room next to Jared, they had been closer than close, holding each other- but hearing the word ‘leukemia’ made him feel like his husband could be torn away from him as easily as air breathing through a room. Intangible, there and gone. Jensen tried to keep his face under control, as if he was not scared out of his skin. He nodded at Jared’s words, brows drawn together as he pretended he might be okay. On board. Know what to do here.

 

“I love you too. More than anything.”

 

He held Jared’s face between his hands and looked at him until he felt like he might lose it all over again, and fuck, he was more controlled than this. He placed the softest of kisses to Jared’s mouth.

 

“You’re right. We just need to get things taken care of. It’s going to be fine… *You’re* going to be home in no time flat. I love you.”

 

A little light entered Jared’s gaze and he bent his head, his lips next to Jensen’s ear.

 

“It just happened again.”

 

Jared’s little way of saying he had fallen in love again, just then.

 

A smile pulled sadly at Jensen’s mouth. “Yeah?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

TBC


	5. Chapter 5- Dreams and Schemes and Circus Crowds

The drive away from the hospital was quiet. Jensen was not being deliberately silent, he merely travelled in a state of shock. If he was in his right mind, he would have known he shouldn’t even be driving- but he was in a shell-shocked grey place in his head. He was not willing to believe there was even a chance of Jared being sick. 

 

He could not quite allow the idea of a potentially fatal illness to just be *accepted*. As if there was some power in him to keep it at bay with sheer denial. He kept his eyes ahead, driving down streets he knew by heart. His mind kept circling around the looks Jason and Jeff tried to hide.

 

Jensen had been the one to tell loved ones of a loss before. Traffic accidents, random acts of violence- overdose, those moments when it fell to him as sheriff to be the bearer of bad news. 

 

He accepted it as a duty, but he had never been on the other side of it. He saw the same calming methods used on himself and Jared from the doctors. The ‘don’t panic, but it’s a nightmare’ tone. There was nothing good about it.

 

“It might be exhaustion.”

 

Jared spoke so softly that it took Jensen a moment to register his husband’s voice. He looked at Jared and widened his eyes before seeing Jared’s steady stare wasn’t moving away from his face. Jensen nodded, trying to find words.

 

“Yeah. You work so hard. You should just stay home and be a kept man. I’ve told you so before.”

 

It was a joke between them that Jared could be a housewife, and Jensen was never entirely kidding. He would not mind it a bit if his husband was the stay at home parent. As it was, Jared had Maggie with him all day and then was home with their sons once school let out. They had a nice ‘family-friendly’ set up to their schedules, knowing they were lucky to be able to do so. Jared smiled a little at Jensen’s words and reached over, resting a hand to his husband’s thigh.

 

“Jen… I can hear how hard and fast you’re thinking. It’s going to be alright. Are we going to Sam’s? We need to pick up Maggie before heading to the house…”

 

Jensen bit into his bottom lip, softly clearing his throat.

 

“We could go by the house…get some things together…and I could bring Maggie by in the mor-…”

 

“I want to see her tonight. The boys too. Otherwise they’re going to be scared…” Jared leaned his head to the window, hating the idea of being away from his kids. He was already missing them just from the few hours that had passed. It seemed like forever when he considered being admitted into the hospital and having tests ran. He looked back to Jensen. “You want to call Meg? To have her baby-sit tomorrow or are you dropping Maggie off with Sam at day-care?”

 

Jensen didn’t want to have to think of all that right this second. Who he needed to call and where he was going to be. It was taking a great deal just to drive and pretend he was fine. He knew though, Jared was right. Details needed to be worked out. He thought a moment.

 

“I’ll keep Maggie with me. There’s no point leaving her with Sam.”

 

“With you?” Jared raised a brow. “You think she’s ready for law enforcement?”

 

The little joke did not draw out a smile. Jensen lowered his chin, eyes on the road.

 

“I’m not going in tomorrow. I’m staying at the hospital with you.”

 

“You can’t spend all day at the hospital. Tomorrow is Saturday… the twins have their reading club at the library…I barely get Mac to go as it is and you know how much Caleb loves it. He’s almost finished the Boxcar Children books…” Jared closed his eyes, feeling so worn out. He sighed. “I don’t want to have my time wasted sitting in a hospital room.”

 

“I know, baby, I know.” Jensen was trying to think of how to manage everything. He couldn’t make the boys trail around after him all day tomorrow and especially at the hospital. 

 

“I’ll call Chris and have him bring the boys to the house. Then you can see them before we drop ’em off at Mom and Dad’s. Does that sound like a plan?”

 

“Mm hmm.” Tiredly, Jared nodded his assent. The twins were in good care with Jensen’s folks. Jim and Donna Ackles were responsible for having raised Jensen. They could handle his boys. It was a treat for the twins as well. They loved staying the night with their grandparents. The boys didn’t ask any more to stay the night at Grandpa and Grandma Padalecki’s house. Jensen had explained to his sons that he did not think Grandpa Dalton was very good at watching kids. The twins did not seem overly upset at this law from their fathers. Since they had never once spent the night at Jared’s parents’ house, it was not something they could miss or complain about. Jensen was not going to give on the issue, and if Jared’s parents asked for the twins to stay over- which they invariably requested in front of the boys- Jensen always said ‘no’ as politely as possible. The kids took it better than Susan and Dalton, but then Jensen had told the boys straight out that he only let adults he trusted watch them. Jared had not necessarily liked that tact with the precocious boys, worried over what the twins might *repeat*- but it worked. They understood that they were never left alone at Jared’s parent’s house.

 

Jensen made some concessions for Jared’s sake- such as not murdering his parents in cold blood or speaking any uncomfortable truths over family dinners- but that was as far as he would go. 

 

He never let Dalton or Susan be responsible for his children. In his eyes, letting someone molest your child was as bad as doing it yourself. Jared had no illusions about Jensen’s feelings on the matter. He was damned glad that Jensen didn’t take a sawed off shotgun with him at Thanksgiving. He drifted off during the drive and woke up as Jensen was parking in the driveway of Sam and Jeff’s home.

 

Jensen hesitated, about to say something before he was reaching for the car door handle. Jared reached over, taking his forearm briefly, whispering. “Jen, it’s going to be okay.”

 

“I know.” Jensen said it with more conviction than he felt. If he thought about it too much, he felt like he might never be able to move to do anything else again. The fear of losing Jared was too intense to be approached casually. He did not have it in him to address that dread and do everything demanded of him as well. Better to wait, keep his head down and press on through- because Jared and his children needed him ‘with it’ right now. He nodded to Jared, leaning over to kiss his husband’s lips softly.. “I love you.”

 

“I love you too.” 

 

There was a wealth of unspoken words and they had to leave it at that, going to get their little girl. Jared walked just behind Jensen, needing a second to get himself in order. His hair was a mess of blood and sleep tangles, and he knew the rest of him didn’t look much better. At least his pain prescription had been filled at the hospital pharmacy but it was just ibuprofen. Not that impressive. Sam met them at the door, looking relieved to see Jared walking around, just a bandage on his brow. She was holding Maggie in her arms, the tiny baby girl smiling in enthusiasm when she saw her fathers. Jared reached out and Maggie leaned to him right away, wanting scooped up.

 

“Thanks for looking after her, Sam.” Jared pressed his face to the so soft skin of Maggie’s neck and shoulder. “Did she eat yet?”

 

“I was about to give her some formula…” Sam wondered what was going on. Both men looked drawn so tight. Jeff hadn’t called from the hospital to tell her anything so she had assumed everything was fine. Alona had called to say Jensen and Jared left together, but that wasn’t really news. The older woman was stymied and saw a look pass between Jensen and Jared.

 

“I’ll feed her.” Jared assured Sam. “I’ll just be in the den…” 

 

He left Sam with Jensen, knowing he didn’t want to be standing there as Sam heard the news. Or Jensen’s hedging around it. Either way, Jared felt it was better to leave them to it. He needed some baby time.

 

Once Jared was out of the room, Sam turned wondering eyes to Jensen. 

 

“What’s going on? I feel like I’m behind here.”

 

“You’re not the only one.” Jensen spoke very softly, prompting her to walk a little closer. 

 

Her hand went to his upper arm, she found herself almost mute with upset but wanting to give some support. “Jensen?”

 

“Jeff and Jason, Dr. Behr, want to run tests on Jared. They’re admitting him tonight.” He had to stop for a moment and the proceeded. “They want to test him for leukemia.”

 

Sam was jolted. Her eyes went wide and then she saw how avidly Jensen watched her, how raw his own gaze was. “Oh, Jensen…”

 

He held up a hand, and if it shook a little she didn’t blame him one bit. 

 

“Don’t, Sam. Okay? I know and I appreciate it. I just can’t… not right now. Okay?”

 

She nodded, hugging herself. She understood he wanted to keep it together for himself, Jared and their children. Jensen didn’t have time to break down right now. She bowed her head, thinking of her husband. 

 

“I can’t believe Jeff didn’t call…”

 

“He doesn’t want to say it anymore than I do.” The reply was rusty, Jensen’s voice a bit thick with emotions he was shoving down. “He’s looking for it to be anything else.” 

 

Turning his head, Jensen heard singing from the den, listening harder. Jared was in there singing ‘My Cherie Amor’ to Maggie, singing while she had her bottle. Jared was singing when he didn’t think anyone could hear but his little girl, making his voice relaxed, soothing and rich. Jensen took a long, deep breath. 

 

“I wondered if tomorrow, you might watch the boys for us…-“

 

“Of course.” Sam nodded, trying to relieve his mind on it. “Anytime, Jensen. I don’t have any plans and even if I did… family comes first.”

 

Jensen nodded shortly. He had to say the next part even if it started an argument. 

 

“Same rules as always, Sam. The boys can’t go anywhere without you being there the whole time. If they see anyone but you, you need to be there. They can’t be going off with anyone else in the family. Anyone says different-…”

 

“Call you. I know, Jensen. I know. I know the rules.” She had concern shining in her eyes, not taking exception to Jensen’s rules. She did not take it personally as if he was saying he didn’t trust *her*. 

 

It was just evident Jensen didn’t trust *everyone*. Sam wasn’t sure of the reasons behind Jensen’s strict rules regarding the kids, especially with family- but she wasn’t their parent. She was their aunt and felt good to be trusted with the twins and Maggie. Sometimes she wondered why Jensen had such a bone of contention with Jared’s parents. It wasn’t like Dalton was a sweetheart but still, it seemed like ‘more’ to Sam. Enough that Jensen wasn’t nice to Susan or Dalton outside of being civil- and they took it. There was also the factor of Jared never saying a word about it and to know Jared, you knew the young man was ever gracious. Kind to a fault. It didn’t quite add up to Sam’s way of thinking, but family politics were a tricky business.

 

Jeff remarked from time to time that it wasn’t right that the kids couldn’t see his parents without Jensen hovering around, but Sam just reminded him that Jensen was a good father. The world could do with more watchful parents. There was also the point of getting to annoy Susan and Dalton by being on Jensen’s short list of trusted people. That was nice. “I’ll have the boys with me all day, and if you want us to keep them overnight… well, the offer’s there.”

 

Jensen never liked leaving his children anywhere overnight but he did sometimes. He would give in mostly because the twins would plead to stay at his parents’ place or with Sam and Jeff. Chad and Sophia kept them for Jared and Jensen’s anniversaries and Chris usually had them over for a boy’s night every other month. Jared was good at coaxing Jensen into letting the boys go to sleepovers and Jensen trusted the people seeing to his sons. Jensen would let the boys go to other homes once the twins were old enough to understand his words on what touches were bad, and which were acceptable. He took his time explaining it to his sons, Jared sitting next to him and looking vulnerably attentive during the calm lecture. Jensen wanted to reach back in time and take care of Jared all over again, and it burnt him up to see that pained looked in the back of his husband’s eyes. No one had ever told Jared these things. Jensen made sure their sons understood that there were hugging places, tickle places and private places. He encouraged them to always know they could tell their fathers anything. Anything at all, even if it felt strange or embarrassing, their parents wanted to know. Once he was satisfied that the twins understood, they started getting to go elsewhere to sleep the night. It was not a matter of Jensen not trusting the people they went to see- it was, for him, a matter of his sons being educated, informed and reassured that they always had their fathers with them and never had to hide anything from them.

 

Now though, he only wanted to have his husband and their children at home, all in the master bedroom’s big bed, just cuddling, like it was Sunday morning and nothing else mattered. 

 

“I’ll keep it in mind, Sam. Thanks.”

 

Jared walked back into the room, Maggie to his shoulder. He rubbed over her back, carrying her car-seat/cradle with his free hand. He smiled tentatively to Sam, knowing she knew. It was etched over her face even when she gamely smiled back. 

 

“I think we’re all set. Thanks for watching her, Samantha. I appreciate it.”

“Y’all taking her with you…?” Sam cut herself off from saying ‘to the hospital’. Her tongue just quit on her.

 

“Yeah.” Jensen answered, taking their baby girl and helping to settle her into her car-seat, arranging her blankets around her. Maggie looked up to him with her big dark eyes shining, like she was wondering what *he* was thinking. Jensen stroked over the fall of her silky hair, so like Jared’s, getting a burst of a smile from his daughter.

 

“She’ll be just fine with us. We got to meet Chris at our place… so, we best be taking off.”

 

Sam hugged Jared, hugged him tightly before she made a telling little sniffling sound and nodded stiffly.

 

“You boys take care. I’ll be waiting for you to bring the boys by. I promise, no bad movies or candy before bed. You have my word.”

 

Jared kissed her cheek, giving her another hug. He stepped back, surprised when Jensen hugged her too. Jensen usually was more reserved with his affections. He just didn’t go around handing out hugs the way Jared did. 

To their children and Jared himself, Jensen was very emotive and demonstrative- but generally, he was not prone to a lot of displays. Jensen thanked Sam again and they were on their way out the door.

 

When they were finally pulling into their own driveway, Chris’ truck was already there. The front window was lit up, the sound of the television coming through. Jensen walked in, carrying Maggie, Jared just behind him, the mail in his hands. 

 

The twins were sitting to either side of Chris Kane, clean from their showers and eating bowls of Rice Krispies. Chris had a bowl himself, his warm hailing to Jensen consisting of, “Hey man! The boys had a great practice. They’re going to make mincemeat of the competition. I foresee a landslide victory…” 

 

Chris noticed the tightness around Jensen’s eyes and then glanced to Jared instantly. He recovered quickly and ruffed the top of Caleb’s head and then Mac’s. “They’ll pulverize the Bulldogs.”

 

“Make ‘em into Poodles.” Mac said with the unmatchable arrogance of a seven year old boy that loved to compete. “They might even cry.”

 

Caleb made a little face and smiled to Jared. “Bang your head, Papa? Are you okay? Did you get stitches?”

 

Jared put the mail aside and smiled reassuringly to Caleb. “It’s more trouble than it’s worth, my big head. “ He sat on the arm of the chair and plucked a piece of sliced banana from Caleb’s cereal, popping it into his mouth. 

 

“I got to go back tonight, to the hospital. They want to look at me some more. So we’re going to take you two to Uncle Jeff’s place. How’s that sound?”

 

Chris was looking at Jensen at the words, not liking what he was hearing, no matter how Jared put it for the twins. Jensen barely nodded to Chris and then cleared his throat. 

 

“Boys, go get your overnight bags, okay? Pajamas, tops and bottoms. Socks. Clean underpants. Clothes for tomorrow. Nothing off the floor…”

 

The twins were used to doing what they were told, especially if they wanted to go somewhere to stay overnight.

 

Jared watched them scramble upstairs and was glad they took the news fairly well. It didn’t mean much to them, not yet. They just heard that they were getting to go to their uncle’s house. The boys adored Sam, and loved her cooking. She was good at getting them out of bed with pancakes and fresh squeezed orange juice. He saw Chris’ questioning look and shrugged.

 

“They want to run some tests. My blood pressure, the dizziness- Dr. Behr and Jeff want to be sure I check out okay.”

 

“Did they say what they’re looking for? You feel okay?” Chris’ concern was very real. He was used to Jared and Jensen being ‘good’, being fine. They were his friends. Jensen was his closest friend and then Jared became part of Jensen. Jared was Jensen’s match. Chris wasn’t about to think his friends were at risk from something he couldn’t shoot. He deserved to be able to do that much for them. 

 

Jensen left the room, taking Maggie with him. He was , Jared knew, going to change into civvies. Jensen tried to be out of uniform once he was home and off-duty, as quick as possible. It was habit from having dealt with the twins in their toddler stage when every uniform was smeared with peanut butter or mushed cereal. Now Jensen just changed as soon as he was home. Jared watched him go before looking to Chris again.

 

“I’m alright. It’s just tests. They’re looking for leukemia.”

 

“Ohfuckme.” Chris said it on a breath, glad he was sitting down. He lowered his head. “Sorry, man. I meant…”

 

“I know. It’s not like I’m okay with it myself.” Jared smiled a little. “But it’s just tests. We can’t panic.”

 

“No.” Chris nodded and stood up from the couch, his hands sliding deep into the pockets of his jeans. “If there’s anything I can do…”

 

“There’s something.” Jared responded gently. He made sure they were alone before he murmured to Chris. “Watch out for Jensen.”

 

“I will. Of course I will. Don’t I always?”

 

“I mean… especially now…no matter what happens. Please, watch out for him.” Jared’s eyes were suspiciously bright and wet. He could bear a lot of things, but the thought of Jensen being alone or feeling as if he didn’t have someone to go to? Jared couldn’t deal with that. He had to know it wouldn’t happen.

 

Sensing Jared’s utter seriousness, Chris nodded to him. “I swear to God, Jare, I’ll watch out for him. I’ll be a burr in his saddle all the way.”

 

“Good. Thanks.” Jared stood and hugged Chris, getting a good hug in return. Hearing the clamor of sneakered feet racing down the stairs, Jared stepped back from Chris, watching his sons dash into the room. “You guys get your toothbrushes?”

 

Caleb nodded. “Yes, Papa, I packed mine and Mac’s. I got our sunscreen too.”

 

“Good boy.” Jared kissed the top of Caleb’s head and then pulled Mac over for the same, hugging them both. He crouched before them, their two blond heads bowed to his dark one. 

 

“I want you both to be real good and behave for Aunt Sam and Uncle Jeff, alright? Best behaviour.”

 

“Yes Papa.” The twins said it together and smiled. Mac eyed Jared’s face inquisitively and his smile faded around the edges. “You sure look banged up, Papa. You need some water?”

 

Mac was of a belief anything could be healed by drinking more water, and often it was what they gave *him* for scabbed knees or a bumped head. It was all he ever accepted as a cure-all. Jared had no idea where the belief in water came from but he knew Mac swore by it.

 

“I’ll be sure to have some later, promise.”

 

Jensen came back into the living room, wearing a t-shirt, jacket and jeans. He had Maggie in his arms, having changed her into her pajamas and packing up her baby bag. He had picked out some toys for her as well as grabbing her cotton-candy pink blanket she slept with every night. 

 

He felt he was on some strange sort of autopilot, giving his hands something to do so he couldn’t think too much. Maggie was doing her little ‘ah-ahs’, and he wondered if she was saying Papa. Maybe Daddy. No real way to tell. She wasn’t giving it up yet which she would say first. 

 

Mac had said ‘Da-da’ first and Caleb had refused to say anything until he was a little older, and then it was ‘daddy’ and ‘papa’. Jensen caught the tail-end of what Jared was promising Mac and lowered his eyes, watching his husband and sons. 

 

He couldn’t let himself go too far in any one direction, or he’d never get anything done.

 

“Jared?”

 

“Yeah?” Jared looked over to Jensen, hearing the strain Jensen was trying to disguise.

 

“Is there anyone you want me to call?” 

 

They finally made eye contact and Jared saw the effort this was taking Jensen to not have a moment to himself even. 

 

“Not yet. Not ‘til… we know…something. Just, it can wait.”

 

Seeing that Caleb and Mac were looking between their fathers, Chris put a palm to the boys’ shoulders. “Hey, Jenny, I can give the boys a ride over to Sam’s. It’s not a problem. It’ll give me a chance to hear some more about how Wolverine would beat Optimus Prime in a fight.”

 

“Which he WOULD NOT.” Caleb protested, eyes going wide.

 

“Would SO.” Mac defended. “Adamantium beats whatever Optimus Prime is made out of.”

 

“You don’t *know* what Optimus Prime is made of. He is from Cybertron and that’s in outer space…-“ 

 

The twins were arguing back and forth as Chris gently ushered them out the door after Jensen’s nod of thanks. The two men didn’t need a lot of words to get across what they were saying. Chris knew Jensen was stressing out and he understood. 

 

Jensen knew Chris would be calling him in a little while for an update and just to talk. They didn’t require explaining their bond, they both knew. Since meeting in the police academy, they had been friends. Chris was a bit older than Jensen and hadn’t really known the man from around town, but being assigned to the same county and then, the same car? 

 

They got to know each other. They had talked a lot, took to spending their down time together. Chris thought the world of Jensen and that affection and respect only grew with time.

 

Then Jared and Jensen were alone again and it seemed like a million years had passed since just that morning. Maggie looked between her fathers, but they didn’t have to watch what they said in front of her. Jared stood and then he was in Jensen’s embrace, being held tightly. They clung to each other, Jared whispering to Jensen’s ear.

 

“We can’t go crazy. There’s nothing to be afraid of… Alright? We are okay. I’m okay. It’s going to be fine. I promise...”

 

“Yeah, yeah… alright.” Jensen made himself agree. He kissed Jared soundly, wanting that closeness before they would have other people all around them again. “I packed an overnight bag for you. Stuff to sleep in. Clothes for tomorrow. Your new books are in the bag too.”

 

“Thanks, baby…” 

 

They drew apart and Jared went to get his hidden stash of sugar coated gummi-worms to pack while Jensen fed their pets. Jared’s German Shepherd, Boogie, was patient and understanding if he had to wait a minute- but Jensen’s cat, Di, was not nearly as accommodating. She twined around Jensen’s ankles, purring and meowing to him in turn. He was sure Di was telling on Boogie, remarking on the weather and saying she loved him all at once. Jensen’s cat was very much *his* cat. She never let anyone else pet her and firmly disapproved of Jared trying to steal her man. The twins were her feline nightmare and she darted away from them and was good at staying out of reach. She wouldn’t even acknowledge the baby. Di’s reign over the household was an accepted fact by Jared and his dog both. She tolerated their presence with a queenly air if disdain and they tried not to chase her or ruffle her fur. Trying was the best they could do. Sometimes Jared just had to make new overtures of friendship to the haughty cat, only to be sniffed at and ignored before she went to lie on Jensen’s side of the bed, or in Jensen’s chair. The Russian Blue beauty daintily ate her food, curling her thick tail across her front feet as she dined, neck arched just so. Jensen stroked behind her ears before he poured some dry food for Jared’s dog.

 

Boogie was a three year old giant. He was good-natured and also trained as a police dog. He just hadn’t made it far in the program before he showed a lack of interest in attacking perpetrators.He was all bark and little bite. Jared had taken in the dog happily and made an even bigger baby of Boogie- who had been named ‘Blitzkrieg’ before Jared fell for him. ‘Blitzkrieg’ would have been a great name had the dog wanted to be in law enforcement, but no- the police academy name didn’t stick. Jared took one look at the doggie school dropout before naming him Boogie and bringing him home. Now the frightening looking dog lived to randomly tear after Di or curl up as the twins’ living couch on the floor. He was a very devoted pet and showed signs of protectiveness and bravery whenever watching over the twins or Maggie. Jensen hadn’t been crazy about getting a dog, but Boogie grew on him. And grew. It just figured that Jared would need a giant dog. Jensen would never have denied Jared a dog, not knowing Jared had always wanted one but could never get one. His aunt Arlene was a ‘cat person’ too. So they compromised. One dog, one cat and they let the pets hammer out their own dealings with each other as long as no one died. A pet door helped in those battles that got too out of hand. 

 

It seemed too soon that they were back at the hospital again. Jensen thought the admittance process seemed to take forever. You were supposed to rest in a hospital, right? But how could you with so many people buzzing around and making as much noise as they could? He was on edge as he held Maggie, sitting in the chair next to Jared’s bed. 

 

The nurses converged on Jared. One nurse stood with a laptop on a cart, hammering away at the keys as Jared answered questions about his family history and allergies, any current medications- while the other nurse was setting up an I.V. Jensen watched all the activity with worried eyes, not liking it already. 

 

He kept his silence as Jared was asked to change and no one left the room. Seeing Jared’s gentle look, Jensen realized he was glaring at the nurses and eased down. They were used to seeing people in every state of undress or naked. It was just … those other people? Weren’t Jared. Jared changed into his pajama bottoms and t-shirt, lying to the bed. He was so polite about it, better than Jensen would have been. Jensen knew HE was a lousy patient. Jared made the nurses’ jobs a lot easier by being so agreeable. 

 

“What’s the I.V. for?” Jensen asked quietly.

 

The nurse cleaning the top of Jared’s hand looked at Jensen as if seeing him for the first time.

 

“Fluids, honey. He’s a little dehydrated and this will get him levelled out, we’re hoping. Are you staying the night? We can have a cot brought in for you, sheriff.”

 

Jensen realized the hospital staff might know him better than he knew them. He did make quite a few trips in to talk to victims of various crimes. Battered housewives, drunk drivers, all kinds. Jensen was a very known presence in Gatlin. Hearing ‘sheriff’ still surprised him a little.. All he felt like he was right now, was Jared’s husband. 

 

“That would be nice, Linda. Thank you.”

 

Linda nodded, her gentle brown eyes sympathetic. She put in Jared’s I.V. and knew if he was diagnosed with leukemia, chances were the poor young man was going to need a port for his I.V. That could be alarming to some people, and she hoped it wouldn’t come to that. She saw how pale Jared was and wished she could say he was probably one of the lucky ones. Linda bustled around the room, making sure all was in order, calling to the nurses’ station to have a cot brought in. She paused before Jensen, a woman that was just over five feet tall, salt and pepper hair neatly pulled into a bun. For all the world she looked like a saint when she asked him if he might want some coffee.

 

“Yes, please… thank you…”

 

Linda patted Jensen’s shoulder and glanced to Jared. “Juice?”

 

“Water, please.” Jared had promised Mac and he meant to keep his word. 

 

Maggie sucked at her fist, her head to Jensen’s chest as he settled back in the uncomfortable bed-side chair, his green eyes showing his weariness. “Are you sleepy? We could watch some cable?”

 

Jared smiled a little, glancing to the t.v. hanging from the ceiling. “Sounds good to me. I imagine they’ll be in here bright and early trying to trick us into eating hospital food before poking me with needles all damned morning.”

 

“I’ll be right here.” Jensen said softly, taking Jared’s hand that wasn’t penetrated with a needle.

 

Jared nodded to his husband. “I know.”

 

Jared’s prediction came true. It wasn’t even eight a.m. the next morning before Dr. Behr was taking blood samples and then asking Jensen to leave the room so that he could examine Jared. Jensen waited in the little visitor’s area off to the side of the nurses’ station. He spread out Maggie’s blanket and sat her to one side and himself to the other. Jensen pushed her ball back and forth with her, seeing how her face lit up when she gave a particularly good shove to the Strawberry Shortcake ball. She was Jared miniaturized. 

 

He could see Jared in the curve of her brows, the way her whole face lit up. Jensen praised her for being so good at ‘ball’, and she bounced in place at his tone, his love coming through loud and clear. Maggie had no idea why the nurses kept glancing over and having to look away, tears in their eyes. Jensen was pretty oblivious to the nurses as well. He was wondering how long Jason could possibly take looking Jared over. He was looking over his shoulder every time he heard footsteps or a door open, but it was never Dr. Behr or the door to Jared’s room. He finally picked Maggie up and placed her on his lap as he handed her the soft-blocks he had packed for her. She liked squishing the blocks and shoving them into her diaper bag and then pulling them all back out and starting over. Jensen finally looked up when Jason was standing over them. His eyes darted over Jason’s face and he knew. There was no maybe there. He knew what he was seeing.

 

Resignation. Dread. Concern. Surety.

 

Jensen blinked rapidly and then took a slow deep breath. What had Jason seen to convince him? He did not want to believe it, even if the doctor did. Someone had to believe Jared couldn’t… just could not… be diagnosed with something so dangerous. Jensen asked faintly. 

 

“What is it?”

 

Dr. Behr saw the knowledge already swimming in Jensen’s eyes. The awareness was there, the blow dealt- Jensen was just waiting to ‘feel’ the damage. Like hearing a gunshot and waiting for the impact. 

 

In examining Jared, Dr. Behr found a painful tightness lodged just under Jared’s ribs, and a lump that Jared said did not hurt, under Jared’s left arm. He was ordering a peripheral blood smear and a bone marrow biopsy- but he knew. The symptoms were there, glaring him in the face and Jason still wished he could say it was anything else.

 

“There are more tests to run, Jensen-…”

 

“What is it?” Jensen asked again. “Please tell me.”

 

Jason knew if Maggie was not in Jensen’s lap, in his hands- the other man would have been on his feet by now, demanding his answers. The little baby girl was keeping Jensen mostly calm, for the moment. Jason sighed in soft resignation.

 

“I believe it’s leukemia. Adult Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia.” Dr. Behr watched Jensen take the news and wished he could say differently. Or make some promises about how he was probably wrong. He just found himself unable to do that to Jensen. It was too much to add on.

 

“Did you tell Jared?” Jensen’s voice was surprisingly soft, and again, Jason knew it was for the baby’s sake.

 

“No. I wanted to wait until I had more to tell him. I would never tell him alone, without you there.” Jason drew a shaky breath. “There is treatment, Jensen. I know this is devastating to hear, but he’s very young. We won’t know the extent of his condition-…”

 

“Please.”

 

Just the one word, but it stopped Jason’s voice effectively. Jensen slowly put away Maggie’s blocks, one by one tucking them into her bag. The soft scent of talcum powder and baby shampoo wafted up to him and for a moment, Jensen bowed his head, his face to his baby’s hair. When he could talk again he nodded to Jason.

 

“Thank you for telling me. Are you calling Jeff?”

 

Jason’s face flashed with sympathy. “I will, yes. Is there anyone else… I can call for you?”

 

Thinking about it, Jensen knew if Jeff was called, Jared’s parents would be notified. He didn’t have to do that. He could call his own parents. Chris. God, he needed to tell Sophia and Chad. He looked to Jason..

 

“I’ll take care of it. Thank you.”

 

“I’m sorry for this, Jensen. We are going to do everything we can.”

 

“Thank you.” To his own ears his voice sounded far-off, but Jensen couldn’t fix that. He was doing his best. He rose with Maggie, taking his baby and going back to the room where Jared waited. 

 

Jared was not unaware. He looked up when Jensen entered, his face pale and tear-streaked. He shook his head when Jensen looked at him and rubbed his hand over his face. 

 

“I’m okay. Just … I have to get a biopsy. Dr. Behr said he’s not sure when I’ll get out. I think it’s serious, Jen.”

 

He feared his heart might actually collapse inside his chest. Jensen walked to Jared’s bedside and gently put Maggie to the bed on Jared’s side without the I.V. Maggie cuddled Jared, looking up when he kissed her forehead. Jensen sat to Jared’s side, curving his body around Jared’s as much as he could, mostly lying over the top of the mattress. Jensen put one hand to Jared’s chest, feeling his husband’s heart beat to his palm through skin and cotton.

 

“I’m right here, Jared. It’s not just you. It’s both of us. No matter what they say, it’s you and me, right?”

 

Jared’s hand covered Jensen’s. “Always.”

 

Jensen waited until Jared and Maggie were napping before he carefully eased from the bed. 

 

He picked up his cell-phone and went into the room’s bathroom, closing the door in his wake. Sitting on the edge of the bathtub, he shivered but not from the frigid touch of porcelain. He was dreading having to repeat anything he had heard. He didn’t want to say the words or make them feel any truer. He called Chris first. When his friend answered, Jensen said calmly. 

 

“Chris…”

 

That was as far as Jensen got before Chris said, “Oh fuck. Jen. Is it bad?”

 

Jensen’s hand gripped around his phone so tight he wondered over the phone not breaking. “They haven’t said yet. I don’t know details. What I do know… “ He bowed his head, not even aware he was whispering. “…is that Jason is sure it’s leukemia. He is sure… just doesn’t have the papers printed up yet.”

 

“God. Goddamn. I’m so sorry. I’ll be there in a little bit. I just need to get dressed. You eat anything?” 

 

“I’m alright. They brought something for lunch.” Jensen wasn’t sure what the brown stuff was but he was pretty sure it was meant to be meat. He didn’t have much of an appetite anyway. “You’ll come?”

 

The strange note to Jensen’s voice made Chris’ throat feel thick. Jensen sounded like a little boy in the moment. “Yeah, I’m coming. You want me to call Chad?”

 

“Would you?” Jensen felt raw relief. “I just don’t know if I could…”

 

“I got it. Your parents?”

 

“Please.”

 

“Consider it done. Don’t worry. Anything I can do for you, Jenny. Anything at all. Love you, man. I’ll be there in a bit.”

 

“Thanks, Chris. Love you too.” Jensen closed his phone, not letting himself think about telling his little boys. He couldn’t dwell on that or he might lose every scrap of control he had.

 

It was about an hour later that Chris arrived. Chris came in dressed in a loose plaid shirt, jeans, wearing his gun under one arm. He was always carrying, whereas Jensen tended not to when off-duty. Chris looked a bit out of it, but that was to be expected. Hearing the news and knowing what Jensen was going through- his best friend couldn’t shake it off either. It was harsh. Jensen appeared to be taking it second by second and pushing down a wealth of reactions, making a volcano inside. Chris knew Jensen well- and there was nothing good going to come out of the first person to set him off.He was quiet, slipping into the room. When he saw that Jared and the baby were sleeping, Chris waited by the door. He handed Jensen a cup of coffee from Starbucks, saying with chagrin. 

 

“Sorry it took me so long. I was on the phone longer than I expected. I got a hold of your parents. They’re coming over. I called the Murrays’ and talked to Sophia. I was thinking that might be for the best. Like she might do better than me at telling Chad.”

 

Jensen nodded wordlessly, taking a drink of coffee. He needed to tell Jared people were coming. He needed to call Sam about his boys. He looked blearily to Chris. 

 

“Thanks. For calling them. I really appreciate it. You want to sit down?”

 

“I don’t want to wake them up.”

 

“Jared will want to be awake when people get here.” Jensen turned and felt like a sleepwalker, going over to stand by Jared’s bed. He saw how peaceful Jared looked and breathed. “But I can wait a little while. He’s been so tired.”

 

“We can wait at least fifteen more minutes, I’m guessing.” Chris took off his jacket, draping it over Jensen’s on top of the closet in the corner, then he decided to hang up the jackets. Just to do something helpful. 

 

Seeing how Jensen was staring out the far window, Chris knew he wasn’t really looking at anything. The view was just of the hospital roof of the lower level, and then a strip of green and a grocery store next to McDonald’s golden arches. Chris watched his friend and tried to think of something to say. Anything. 

 

Maggie forestalled Chris having to make sense of himself. The baby awoke and cried, wanting her bottle. Her demanding call woke Jared and Jensen saw how Jared started to reach for Maggie, obviously in between sleep and wakefulness. Jared’s body suggested he was scooping up the baby and getting up to feed her before he came awake, feeling the tug of the needle to his hand, realizing where he was. It came back why he was there. Jensen saw it all on Jared’s face. He went to his husband’s side and picked Maggie up, shushing her by rocking her gently. 

 

“I got her, Jay… she’s just fussing for her bottle.”

 

Jared looked pained and rested back to the pillows. He didn’t say that he felt trapped in his bed. He didn’t have to. He looked to Chris and smiled a little, glad to see the man. “Hey. Were you watching me sleep?”

 

“You know it.” Chris smiled back, leaning to the wall by the window. “Never get enough of looking at you drooling on your pillow. Why didn’t you eat your radioactive green jell-o?”

 

“Because it looks alive.” Jared replied, pushing the covered bowl towards Chris. “You want it?”

 

“I never said THAT.” Chris saw Jensen taking formula from the diaper bag and offered.“You want me to hold the munchkin while you do the bottle making?”

 

“Thanks, man.” 

 

Jensen handed Maggie over and went to the bathroom to get the warm water. He added the scoops of formula and then heard a soft, feminine ‘hey’ that he knew. Sophia. He came out of the bathroom and saw Sophia leaning over Jared, hugging him. Jensen could not help noticing Chad stood back a little. Jensen could see Chad was shaking, even from where he was.

 

“Chad.” Jared started to say, seeing how his friend was struggling.

 

Chad took slow steps towards the bed, not looking at anyone but Jared. When Sophia had taken him into their bedroom to tell him about Chris’ call? Chad had stared at her at first and then heard himself asking the stupidest question known to man.

 

"Leukemia? You mean…like…cancer?”

 

He had been slack-jawed to think about it. Jared. His best friend. Only the best person he knew. The same Jared who never hurt anyone. Chad had been pulling on his shoes and asking Sophia to take their kids over to their neighbor, Jean’s, before he even really thought about it. He just needed to get to Jared. He had to see his friend for himself. Talking about it wasn’t going to assuage his mind and heart. He had to be with Jared. 

 

Chad walked to Jared and when their eyes met, Chad couldn’t help it. His lower lip curled upwards and he tried, he tried so hard- but he heard the coughing sob that left him. He shook his head, apologizing, trying to make it stop. Jared reached out to him and snagged his wrist, pulling Chad down to him. He hugged Chad as best he could, feeling Chad trembling.

 

“Ssshhh, it’s okay… you’re alright. It’s okay…” 

 

Chad never broke down. Jared had never seen his friend do this but it didn’t mean it was bad. Jared knew the same part of Chad that made him too brave sometimes and unable to keep from laughing inappropriately was the exact trait that made him emote now. There was no great wall between what Chad felt or thought and what he showed others. Jared didn’t want anyone telling Chad not to be upset or to get it together. He understood. If it was Chad in this bed and not him, Jared couldn’t say he would do any better. He turned his face and whispered by Chad’s ear.

 

“You sure know how to make a guy feel wanted.”

 

Chad laughed a little, under it all and lifted his head, meeting Jared’s eyes. His face was wet with tears and he couldn’t seem to care.

 

“Don’t go anywhere, Jared. I am so not done with you yet.”

 

A smile tugged at Jared’s mouth. “You still wanting to get me back for the pot prank?”

 

“Yep. That was stone cold. I almost choked to death smoking that oregano.” Chad had forgiven Jared for switching out his pot, but he still had to avenge himself at some point. It was their way of saying ‘I love you’.

 

Jared patted over Chad’s back, seeing Jensen finally moving to take Maggie and give their baby her bottle. Jensen was so quiet and Jared hoped Chad hadn’t upset his husband. Jared didn’t want Jensen to feel the need to tell Chad to calm down or not worry Jared himself. Any of those reactions Jared could have foreseen, but Jensen was not saying anything. He was aware of Chad, yes, but not seeming annoyed or ready to come over and intercede. Jensen didn’t look angry. He just looked like he was focusing very hard on feeding their baby. Jared felt Chad slowly pulling back and Chad nodded to him.

 

“Sorry I went pussy on you.”

 

“Chad…”

 

“Seriously. I was going to be brave. Like stoic? Then I just looked at you and waterworks. I’m sorry.” Chad wiped over his face with both hands. “I just love you so much.”

 

“I love you too…and it’s okay.” Jared wished he could shake Chad, but he couldn’t. Not as he was.

 

Chad nodded again, and noticed no one was giving him a hard time, which was good. He couldn’t defend himself for anything right now.

 

“You seen your parents yet?”

 

“They’re on their way.” Jensen said in a low tone from where he sat. He was feeding Maggie, not looking up as he added. “I’m assuming.”

 

“Ugh.” Chad muttered, showing in a caveman sound how he felt about Jared’s parents. “Well now’s the time to fake pain and get some serious meds, Jay. You can be all loopy before they get here and then breeze through seeing them. You want me to help? I can make a scene. Have the nurses raining pills on you to shut me up.”

 

“No you cannot.” Sophia put a hand to her husband’s shoulder and steered him to a chair at the other side of Jared’s bed. “Sit down and behave yourself.” She did not doubt Chad *would* raise hell on Jared’s behalf, but she would try to contain it. 

 

He was breaking up inside over his best friend. The list of what Chad *wouldn’t* do for Jared was way shorter than the one for what he would do in a split second. “When Jared’s parents get here, you mind your manners.”

 

She was the mother to his children and kinda, sometimes, him too, but Chad didn’t mind. He loved Sophia. She was a mommy and a wife, his match.

 

She sure knew how to keep up with him and knock him on his ass when he needed it. Right now, she was resting an arm across his shoulders to give him a hug that lasted. Chad looked up to her and winked before his eyes went back to Jared.

 

“I’ve been detained…go on without me…”

 

Jared smiled at Chad’s teasing. “Trapped behind enemy lines, huh? Sophia got you pretty easy.”

 

“I know, right? No respect.” Chad patted Jared’s knee through the blanket. “Where do they get these blankets from, huh? Off orphans that want BETTER? They’re starchy and…salmon colored. You want some decent blankets from home? I’ll get you some decent blankets. Don’t they know you’re nine feet tall?”

 

Resting back to his pillows, Jared smiled. Some things never changed.

 

TBC


	6. Chapter 6

Jensen sat next to Jared’s bed, watching over Jared as Jared held Maggie, barely rocking her with his free arm. Jensen had a million things he wanted to say, and no voice to say them. He felt the weight of his own fear choking him. Maybe he had more faith than he wanted to admit, because Jensen sincerely believed that speaking of the disease might make it stronger. He felt his victories were small and fleeting when it came to surpassing the darkness moving inside of his husband. He could not protect Jared from this. 

 

He could not threaten leukemia or bodily tear it away from the holder of his heart. He was side-lined, benched- and in the end, Jared was going to be the one fighting… alone. It tore at Jensen. The knowledge of his helplessness when Jared was most in need of him. His mind kept circling the issue, like a shark investigating possible prey, bumping from all sides to look for a loophole or weakness in his enemy. But there was nothing. Nothing came blazing into his mind as The Way to make Jared better. He listened while Chad, Chris and Sophia made small talk with Jared, not able to say anything. Luckily he wasn’t called out on it. Their friends gave him his space.

 

Reaching over, Jared slid his fingers into Jensen’s, that small touch speaking volumes. He squeezed Jensen’s fingers, knowing Jensen was doggedly worrying himself to death. It was in Jensen’s nature. Never give up or back down. Jared understood that. He did not think he would be as ‘together’ as Jensen was if their roles were reversed. He didn’t even want to contemplate it. It already worried him when Jensen had a late night call, or would come home from work later than expected. There were times Jensen would have to leave mid-meals or when they were out with the kids. Jared sometimes wanted Jensen to do something else, anything else, but being the town sheriff was Jensen’s calling. They only argued about it a few times a year, as a rule. Jared would be worried over a particular instance or something specific that happened- and Jensen would calm him down and remind him that he was well-trained, armed and not about to be scared away from his job. Duty. Jared understood that, he did, but it did not stop him from anxiously waiting up until Jensen called or walked in the door. He never slept completely until Jensen was beside him in bed. 

 

If Jensen was working late, Jared would call him, just to be sure he was okay. Not just physically, but in every way. He needed to know Jensen was alright. He had to be there for his husband in every way. Now, seeing how Jensen’s eyes were so shielded, Jared knew his husband was fighting himself inside. This was not the time or place to address Jensen’s concerns. Not with an audience. There would be time to talk when everyone else went home. It was enough, for the moment, to have Jensen beside him.

 

Then, his parents arrived. 

 

The door to the room opened and balloons came in a few seconds before Susan Padalecki, her arms bundled with a balloon bouquet and a large basket of flowers. She walked ahead of Dalton, her husband closing the door once he was inside the room. He looked over the people already in the room and made a ‘huh’ sound that managed to be disapproving and annoyed at the same time. 

 

He was already thinking he could do without seeing Jared’s ‘friends’ on top of everything else. Naturally that Murray boy was there, since Dalton couldn’t stand the punk. Chad had not one iota of respect for him. It showed in how Chad would look at him like they were in the middle of a fight that Dalton didn’t know about. He wondered what Jared had said to Chad to make the young man have such an attitude with him. Sophia too, and don’t even get him started on women that had babies for just about anybody and handed them out like fruitcakes at Christmas. He managed a sliver of a smile for Jared, not even looking at Chris Kane. That Chris just had a way of looking at you that let you know he didn’t care who you were. A know-it-all. Made sense that he’d be ‘close’ to Jensen, and Dalton hated Jensen. Chris almost inherited Dalton’s low opinion of HIM from Dalton’s lower opinion of Jensen.

 

Jared’s parents were both dressed nicely, even for a casual visit. Susan’s pantsuit was designer, tailored especially for her. Her dark curls were arranged around her face with enough hairspray to have a hole in the ozone named just for her. Diamonds glittered at her ears and fingers, her bracelets clicking like a backbeat to the sound of her high heels. Next to her, Dalton seemed even taller and more forbidding, wearing a dark grey suit jacket over a pressed black dress shirt, slacks and Italian loafers. They managed to convey old money without actually having the bills out in a fan before them.

 

Susan was all bright smiles as she went to lean over her son, Jensen having to move to make room for her. She kissed Jared’s cheek and then drew back, her eyes snapping around the room before she said airily.

 

“Here I was worried I wouldn’t have a spot to put the balloons and flowers in…but I guess no one else brought any?”

 

She walked to the windowsill, putting the large flower basket to one corner and the balloons to the other before she turned back to the room.

 

“Megan is on her way over, Jared, honey. She just had to go and get Ricky. I don’t know why he can’t come later. I think they’re sharing a car. You know that boy can’t seem to keep his running.”

 

Jensen already felt his temper having needles slid into it. Susan just made her little comments and everyone tried to wait it out. For Jared’s sake, he was biting his tongue as long as he could. They all were. The quicker this happened, the quicker it would be over. Susan and Dalton would be satisfied and go away. That was Jensen’s hope anyhow. To weather the storm of their crap and have it pass over.The woman was spiteful as hell and he wanted to tell her that no else brought balloons and flowers because they knew it wasn’t what Jared wanted. Jared *wanted* to see people he cared about. Maybe everyone else was just a little too worried to stop by the florists’ and walk around, picking out ‘just the right’ things to take to the hospital. 

 

“Thank you, Mom. The flowers and balloons are nice.” Jared was trying to smooth over his mother basically insulting his friends right away. He didn’t care to hear her putting Ricky down either. Like it was a character flaw to not make a lot of money or have your car break down. 

 

“Did you call Aunt Arlene?”

 

“Of course.” 

 

Susan didn’t like that Jared was so close to Arlene. Yes, Arlene had helped raise Jared but that didn’t make Arlene his mother. Arlene had Jared from the age of five until he was eighteen, in Susan’s opinion- but of course her sister had let Jared live with her well past the legal age. Before moving home, Jared had stayed for awhile with his cousin James, eventually returning to Gatlin. That did not give Arlene special rights to him. Jared was still Susan’s boy. Arlene even went to Jared’s wedding to Jensen- which was why Susan HAD to go. Dalton hadn’t wanted anything to do with it, but Susan was not going to have people saying Arlene was a better mother to Jared than she was. She had a deep seated paranoia that she was being judged in relation to Jared. There were just those little moments when someone would ask her about her son, how he had been gone for so long- and she knew they were wondering over her having let Jared go. As if it was so clear cut what she should have done. No one else knew better than she did that sometimes parents had to make hard choices. No one had felt it more when Jared had to go away. For his own good. 

 

“She’s driving down tonight. I told her she could stay with us but she’s going to get James from San Antonio and then they’re getting a hotel room. You know how stubborn she can be.”

 

Jared knew Arlene detested Dalton, and yeah, it was best if she had a hotel room. James didn’t like Dalton or Susan either and barely hid it. They were family to Jared, the family that had raised him and he would never forget that. He just hoped his mother didn’t try to make Arlene feel bad for caring about him. 

 

“So.” Dalton finally spoke. “They say how long you’re going to be in here? What kind of insurance’ve you got? These overnight stays is where it really adds up.”

 

Chris glanced over and saw how Jensen’s eyes narrowed in pure threat. 

Chris started to talk but Jensen was already barely glancing at Dalton and answering his father-in-law like he was talking to someone slow witted.

 

“I have excellent insurance, Dalton. Jared is covered through me… just like our children are. There’s nothing for you to…worry… about.”

 

Jensen didn’t want Dalton to think, for a goddamned second, that they needed anything from *him*. Jensen would eat glass before relying on Dalton or being in his debt. Some of that definitely came across in Jensen’s tone and the older man frowned at him.

 

“Well you should just know, not everything is covered. No point in being surprised by it later.”

 

Dalton’s words made Jensen snarl soundlessly but then Chris spoke quicker this time. “He’s alright, sir. They surely ain’t alone in this. Whatever they need, they’ll get. Jared’s got a world of support. Money’s not worth worrying about.”

 

Susan slid her hand around her husband’s arm and gave him a look that told him to calm down. She didn’t need him and Jensen duking it out over poor Jared in his bed. She looked to Sophia and asked, “I can’t help but wondering, Sophia. Are you pregnant again? You have that look.”

 

The young woman was surprised to be addressed directly and that Susan knew her name. Usually, when she saw Susan around town, Susan either pretended not to see *her*- or was in such a rush that she never even said Sophia’s name in passing. So this conversational Susan was a bit of a surprise. Rallying to the moment, Sophia nodded, feeling a little shy. She had only told Chad so far, it was that early. She had never lost a child, that wasn’t her worry or reason for waiting to announce her pregnancy. She just liked a little time for it to be her secret with her husband.

 

“Yes, Mrs. Padalecki. I am…”

 

“Keeping this one?” Dalton drawled, raising one brow.

 

“DAD!” Jared’s short bark of a yell made Jensen, Chris and Chad all stop as they had been about to say something. Jared felt Maggie stirring beside him and lowered his voice, anger making his cheeks a bright red. “That’s uncalled for. You don’t have any reason to talk to Sophia that way. You need to apologize.”

 

Dalton looked at Jared like his son was the one being out of line. Then again, Jared rarely if ever talked back to him. Had to be a day for surprises. He spread his hands and shook his head. “I was just asking. I didn’t know it was a sensitive subject. You all take turns and pass the babies around. Didn’t expect you’d be shy talking about it.”

 

Chad was out of his chair and only Chris’ arm coming out barred the angry husband from getting closer to Dalton. Chad still had his mouth though.

 

“You better fucking watch it! You’re Jared’s Dad and I’m trying really hard to remember that- but if you insult my wife all I’m seeing is an old motherfucker needing his ass kicked…”

 

Sophia stood in front of her husband and put her hands to his chest. She shook her head and spoke gently. 

 

“Chad, what is Dalton to us? Nothing. So what is whatever he has to say to us? It’s nothing too. He doesn’t understand. He might never understand, but to everyone that matters, it’s crystal clear who we are and what we do. Our lives are not lived for him, are they? We believe in our decisions and we are happy. That is more than most people have. Let it go.”

 

Chad looked to his wife’s quiet, gentle eyes and he slid his arm around her. Chris quit holding onto him and just stood at his side in case he needed grabbed again. Chad hugged his wife tight and then looked back to Dalton, his blue eyes still angry.

 

“Just watch your mouth.”

 

Dalton was pretty sure he could kick Chad’s ass, temper or not- but he wasn’t so sure Chris Kane wouldn’t come his way. He didn’t need to assault an officer of the law. He glanced towards his son and saw- of all things- Jared was looking embarrassed over *him*. Like he was the freak in this room. Chad could pass his wife around and Sophia could make babies she gave away, but let him mention it and all hell broke loose. 

 

“I didn’t realize it was a sensitive subject…”

 

Jensen lifted his chin, “Oh, I think you did, Dalton but we’ll try to overlook you as best we can. I know you both came to see Jared, right? To see how he’s doing and all.”

 

Susan nodded right away. She didn’t want anyone saying anything different either. Dalton’s temper could really strain a room and he was upset before they even made it to the hospital. Sometimes Dalton didn’t understand that even if you didn’t approve of your children, you still had to keep up appearances. You had to make an effort. Let no one be able to say it was your fault however they turned out. It was true of all of her children. Jeff had to go and marry that horrible woman Samantha. Megan wanted a boy that looked like he robbed convenience stores. Jared, just to really make a go of ‘worse possible choice in spouse’ had Jensen. Jensen who was remote and cold, insulting to them and barely aware that, as Jared’s parents, they were deserving of a certain modicum of respect. Jensen would not even allow them to take their grandchildren on vacation with them, or even let them keep the children overnight. Susan had asked once why- but Jensen’s look before he replied, “Do you really want me to say?” had made her so nervous she told him ‘no’. She would rather not hear whatever words were behind that flat and damning stare from the town sheriff. She nervously smoothed a hand to her hair, and made sure her brightest smile was in place.

 

“Jeff told us… that you need more tests, Jared. We came as quickly as we could. I know you’re going to need help with the children. Jensen can’t do *everything*…”

 

Jared sat up in bed as much as he could and looked guilty. That was enough to snap Jensen’s temper.

 

“That’s enough!”

 

The two words were like gunshots coming from Jensen, harsh and quick. Jared looked to his husband pleadingly and Jensen rested a hand to his shoulder.

 

“It’s enough.”

 

Jensen wasn’t sure how much he could hear without swinging on someone.

 

“Jared is tired. I’m tired.”

 

Chris cleared his throat and pushed off from his spot by the window. “I expect you are. We don’t want to wear you both out. I was just thinking to go see how the boys’re doing. If you need anything, anything at all, you call me. I’ll be calling you in a little while.” Chris hugged Jared and then clapped a hand to Jensen’s shoulder.

As Chris was saying his goodbyes, Sophia nudged Chad and he looked about ready to refuse to budge but then, he loved Jared. He hugged his best friend and whispered by his ear. 

 

“Love you, man. I’ll be back soon. With blankets.”

 

Sophia kissed Jared’s cheek and then his brow. “Don’t worry, we’re here for you.”

 

In the mix of sudden goodbyes, Dalton realized he was being rail-roaded into leaving. If he tried to hang around now, he’d look like an ass. Susan fluttered over to her son and hugged him before kissing Maggie’s hair as the baby slept.

 

“If you need anything, you call us. Your family loves you.”

 

She didn’t say anything to Jensen, which was a good thing, and then she was leaving with Dalton, following after Jared and Jensen’s friends.

 

When the door closed behind his parents, Jared whispered. “I’m sorry. For the things they said.”

 

“Jared.”

 

Jensen shook his head and then turned Jared’s face fully to his own. He kissed his husband, the softness of their mouths meeting gentle and sweet, Jensen wanting to show Jared how cherished he was. Beyond any doubts or questions, have Jared secure in ‘them’ and what they had.

 

“Whatever they do? Is all them. Not you. You aren’t responsible for your parents, what they think or do, you can’t control any of that, none of it is your fault.”

 

Resting his brow to Jensen’s, he felt infinitely better just knowing Jensen wasn’t shaken by all his parents had said. Jensen never let them cut close to the bone with him. They were never ‘allowed in’ and it gave Jared peace to know his parents would never be able to say something so bad that Jensen would leave him. Jensen knew his secrets…and loved him. He loved Jensen too. So much that he kept on falling in love with him again and again, even after Jensen had once said that was a tall order.

 

“It just happened again.”

 

A smile lit Jensen’s face at the mumbled words and he kissed over Jared’s face, down to his lips.

 

“Good…because I’m pretty crazy about you too.”

 

They were alone for just a little while before the door opened and Megan peeked in. She smiled to her brother before entering the room, followed by her husband Ricky. Megan’s dark brown hair was striped with deep purple and pulled up into a messy bun, leaving her multi-pierced ears to catch the glint of light to metal. Her neck was tattooed with tiny stars and flowers, but her jacket and tshirt covered a good deal of her ink. She hugged Jensen first and then her brother, leaning into him for an extra minute. Her ice blue eyes shone with her worry even as she was smiling.

 

“I wasn’t sure who would be here. Jeff called Mama and Mama called me… I’m sorry we’re late…”

 

“You aren’t late, Megs…” Jared hugged her and then looked to Ricky. “Hey man, how’s it going?”

 

Ricky grasped Jensen in a side hug and then he was taking Jared’s hug too. Ricky’s appearance might make people do a double take, since he was heavily pierced and tattooed, but he had the kindest nature of anyone Jared had ever known. Ricky was just a sweet guy. He cried during sad movies. He would get out of bed at four a.m. to talk to a friend in need, or to give a ride, fix a flat tire. He was the quiet one at parties that always had a few people around him, just chilling out and happy to be with someone so genuine and peaceful. Jared loved that Megan had found someone that loved her so much and was a good person too. Ricky drew back from hugging Jared and smiled to his brother-in-law gently.

 

“I’m good, Jay. How’re you?”

 

Jared sighed and shrugged, not sure how to answer. He lay back to his pillows again and smiled.

 

“Better now. Mom and Dad already came and went.”

 

“Good.” Ricky said it with heartfelt intensity, relaxing knowing he had missed his in-laws. He saw Jensen’s half-grin of commiseration and knew that Dalton must have been a real prince for this visit too. “I never realized seeing them could be even worse… if you couldn’t get away.”

 

Jared smiled but Megan swatted her husband’s arm. She shook her head and took off her jacket. Being the youngest of the Padalecki children, Meg knew there was a lot that her family just didn’t tell her. Family history was not exactly an open topic, unless you wanted an abbreviated and opinion-laden version that left a lot out. She did not take it upon herself to fix her family. She just tried to find the best of it and go from there. Jared being back in Gatlin had been a huge deal. Then he met Jared and stayed. Raised a family. It meant a lot to Meg to know that her brothers were both nearby. Jensen was good too. He was trustworthy and kind. He may not always get along with her Daddy, but that was forgivable. Dalton could be difficult. Ricky was still learning the ropes. “Don’t talk about them like that, Ricky. You know they’re just warming up to you. They like you… it just takes them some time. Aunt Arlene coming?”

 

“Yes.” Jared was relieved to get to say so. 

 

He was anticipating seeing his aunt and cousin. He loved them so much that James had been in his wedding party. His cousin was one of his groomsmen next to Jeff. Jensen had Chris as his best man, Steve and Jeff Morgan, an older man that was Jensen’s friend, as groomsmen. Ex-boyfriend, but current friend. Jared didn’t have any problems with Jeff, even if the man did still sometimes give Jensen the Look. Jared knew the Look. Jeff had been Jensen’s lover, and they had history. But Jared trusted his husband, and he took some comfort in how Jensen told him that he had never called Jeff a boyfriend. Jared wondered how Jensen could manage to sleep with someone and ‘see’ them without letting it be called anything specific- but everyone has their gifts. He was not going to question Jensen about every aspect of his past. The future, especially now, was much more demanding. He made some room with his legs for Megan to sit to the edge of the bed. “I’m not sure when they’ll be here…but they’re staying at a hotel.“

 

“Good idea.” Megan commented, knowing how her parents got along with her aunt. Arlene was always the one that got Dalton going and didn’t care if he turned bright red and had a fit. James seemed to have inherited his mother’s cool lack of concern for her parents’ opinions and reactions, he just hid it better. “Did you hear anything back yet from the tests?”

 

“Not yet. Nothing definitive.” Jared sighed and shook his head. “I hate worrying everyone.”

 

“Don’t sweat it.” Ricky said, bumping Jared’s foot with his knee. “We love you, man. It’s our family thing. Got to be down when someone needs us. Is there anything you need? I can give you a tattoo while I’m here. Pierce your nips?”

 

As Jared laughed and began to say ‘no’, Jensen murmured, “Don’t be too hasty there, Jay… now might be the best time…” 

 

Jared was so glad to hear Jensen even make a joke that he took his husband’s hand, holding it as he pulled Jensen back to his side. Jared assumed it was a joke, but could not be sure. Jensen had that tricky warm little smile that was still bedeviling and enigmatic to his husband.

 

The door opened and Jeff Padalecki walked in, looking exhausted even freshly showered and wearing clean clothes. He still looked tired and beat. He smiled slightly to Meg and Ricky, nodding to them before he said, “Found someone wandering the halls…”

 

Steve Carlson came in behind Jeff, holding a brown paper bag in his hands. With his long dark gold hair and tanned skin, Steve looked like the consummate hippy. Which he was, granted, but he was also a business owner, musician and all around groovy guy. He owned the local blues club-bar and managed to still make his own music and tour from time to time. He wore a loose cotton shirt, ripped jeans and flip flops, the chain from his belt loop to his wallet jingling with charms. He grinned to Jensen and pushed the warm bag into his friend’s hands.

 

“Brought y’all some decent food. Hoagies, steak-fries and fried peppers.”

 

“Thanks, Steve.” Jensen hugged his friend with his free arm and then nodded to Jeff. “You saw the boys? How’re they being for Sam?”

 

Jeff nodded, closing the door behind him. He leaned back to it, tall frame seemingly relaxed. 

 

“They’re doing fine, Jensen. They’re good. She’s got them painting clay pots for the garden. It’s going to look interesting out there once it’s all done.” He watched his brother and Jensen digging into the really-bad-for-them food, waiting until they had devoured the sandwiches before he commented again. “I didn’t want to say anything earlier, but… the age restriction on visitors here…” He glanced momentarily to Maggie and back to Jensen and Jared. “No children under twelve are allowed. I’m sorry. I can’t waive that for anybody…”

 

Jared saw how Jensen tensed and wiped over his mouth with a napkin before saying, “It’s okay, Jeff. We will figure something out. Jen, you can’t stay here the whole time. You don’t have to either. I’m alright. You see what I’m doing. I’m just laying here.”

 

Jensen shook his head, his teeth sinking into his lower lip before he retorted. “You are not alright. We wouldn’t be here if you were ‘alright’.”

 

Sensing a fight brewing, Ricky touched Megan’s elbow and she winced, nodding. They mumbled something about coming back later, slipping out behind Steve and Jeff. Jared barely noticed them leaving the room as he was sitting up in bed, trying to gain some height here.

 

“So you think hovering over me is going to fix anything? It won’t. Whatever’s going to happen is going to happen… You being here doesn’t change that. We have children that need taking care of. Sam has to work tomorrow.”

 

Hearing about all he couldn’t do or change was not making Jensen feel any better. He had his hands to his hips as he listened to Jared telling him things he already damned well knew. 

 

“My parents are going to be here. They’ll be staying at our place…”

 

“So you think it’s best the boys and Maggie not have either one of us if they can’t have both?”

 

Jared said the words as gently as he could, but he was ready to fight it out over this one. He could not keep Jensen all to himself and leave their kids to other people. That would never work. It spoke volumes about Jensen’s fears that he would even suggest it.

 

Slamming his palm to the wall, Jensen leaned into his arm, not looking at Jared for a moment as he got his temper leashed. He wanted to yell but there were not actual words wanting to come out. Just a maelstrom of feelings, all of which fought for dominance. He wanted his husband safe and at home. He wanted their children not to fear ever only having just one parent. He had known before they had the twins that he and Jared were forever. He married Jared knowing that he had found his someone. Forever. Now life was saying that maybe his forever wasn’t as long as he needed it to be. That Jared could just be stolen away from him after a painful disease broke him. 

 

“Jensen.”

 

Jared waited until Jensen’s head lifted and then he soothingly went on.

 

“The boys and Maggie need you. Don’t forget that. Caleb and Mac are going to have questions…and the more Sam and Jeff don’t answer them, the more they’ll worry.”

Pain flashed across Jensen’s face as he pushed away from the wall. “What am I supposed to tell them?” He was not accusatory, if anything he sounded a little lost. “I can’t tell them… how serious it could be. I don’t think I can do that.”

 

“You don’t have to scare them, or tell them alone. I’ll be home soon… we’ll tell them together. In the meantime…tell them I’m not feeling well and the doctors are looking at me. But most of all, Jen, be there…be there with them. Hug them… play with them… Go to their game.”

 

Jensen hated the idea of going to the soccer game without Jared sitting beside him, passing Maggie back and forth between them. He sat beside Jared, picking up their little girl as she came awake. Jensen rested his chin to the top of Maggie’s curls with a low sigh.

 

“I hate you thinking you have to tell me to spend time with my own kids.”

Eyes shadowed with understanding, Jared smoothed his palm down Jensen’s bicep, fingers curling around his forearm.

 

“It’s not even like that. I just know what you’d say to ME. What you’ve always said. We’re a family. Me, you, the kids… we’re all part of each other. They’ve got us, and we’ve got them… nothing can break that.”

 

After a long pause, Jensen nodded. “Tonight, I’ll pick up Mac and Caleb then. Get them home and fed. Spend the night with them…and come back. Once my folks show up, I’ll be back here with you for awhile. I think Chris’ll stay the night and my folks will be there. Maybe Josh and Kensie.” He spoke of his siblings, his older brother Josh and his younger sister, MacKensie. Jensen was glad the two guest rooms were pretty big, they could put the fold out couch in one of the rooms, bring it up from the kids’ play room. Chris always crashed on the living room couch, so that wouldn’t be a problem. “I wish we had more room.”

 

“Jen? Our house is plenty big enough.” Jared smiled at his husband wanting to renovate on behalf of all the people he expected. Like the incoming family members might be moving in. The home they had chosen, a month after being married, was a two story Victorian home with ample space for them to start a family. Jared had loved the house on sight, knowing he could call it ‘home’ and mean it. It was his home, with his husband…and soon, their children. “Someone could sleep in the family room or the study. We don’t need to build a lean-to out back.”

 

Jensen nodded, deciding Jared was right. He was stressing over things easily remedied. It just helped take his mind off the larger concerns. He felt Maggie squirming and settled her to the floor, letting her sit there on her blanket for a minute. She would certainly let him know if she wanted to be picked up again. 

 

“Still need to get groceries.”

 

Jared agreed, rubbing over his husband’s lower back.

 

“Try to get some sleep too. I mean it. You look exhausted.”

 

Jensen didn’t say it would be hard to sleep without Jared beside him. He didn’t have to say it. He would have all night to think about it. He kissed his husband gently and then Jared said goodnight to Maggie. With a heavy heart, Jensen left the hospital. He had to go get his boys and then go to the supermarket, hoping the twins wouldn’t be too tired for the excursion. As it turned out, the twins were full of energy. They were all over their Daddy before he was even in the door of Sam and Jeff’s house. Jensen saw Dalton and Susan in the dining room having coffee and made a point of not giving them dirty looks.

 

Sam smiled in relief to see Jensen. Not because he was coming to take the twins, but because he was a friendly face, and she had worried about him. Her hug to him was quick before she asked. 

 

“Have you eaten? I made beef stew and bread…”

 

“I’m fine… I ate at the hospital…” Jensen replied as Mac was tugging on his sleeve, trying to tell him something about what happened on his cartoon of choice earlier. 

 

“Oh, Jensen.” Susan chided, “Have some stew. It’s really not TOO salty if you add some milk.”

 

Seeing Sam take that little dig, Jensen felt obligated to have some damned stew. He made a point of telling Sam it was good, and it was. He just wasn’t hungry. Still, if it meant giving Sam some breathing room around Susan, Jensen would do his best. He barely had time to eat before Caleb was sitting on his lap, something he usually didn’t do unless they were watching movies. Caleb looked to Jensen with quietly seeking eyes before he asked.

 

“Where’s Papa?”

 

Jensen kissed the side of Caleb’s brow and half smiled. “He’s staying the night at the hospital. We should call him tonight and you can say goodnight. The doctors wanted to give him some extra medicine.”

 

“More than usual ‘cause he’s tall?” Mac inquired, a frown marring his face.

 

“Yeah.” Jensen could not say much more than that, not to his sons- with an audience. He looked to Sam. “Thanks for watching them. Were they good?”

 

“Sure were.” Sam nodded, smiling to the worried parent. She could tell Jensen was running himself ragged if he had any say in the matter. Her eyes reflected her thoughts but she was not going to question him in front of their in-laws. “You call if you need anything.”

 

“I will. Thanks for everything.” Jensen kissed her cheek and then helped the boys get their stuff together, waiting patiently as they hugged their grandparents goodnight and said their goodbyes to Sam. Jensen didn’t acknowledged Susan or Dalton. That was his version of nice. He went to the grocery store; glad the twins behaved as well as they did, because his own levels were flagging. He wanted to sleep for a year. Actually he wanted to sleep *beside Jared* for a year.

 

By asking the twins, Jensen was able to mentally piece together a shopping list as they walked the market, trusting them not to steer him wrong. Jared usually handled the grocery shopping, but you could trust the boys to know what was running low in the refrigerator. He made sure to get plenty of stuff they could make on their own too. Jared was on a new kick about letting the boys into the kitchen to make their own microwavable hot cereals, sandwiches and treats. Jensen wanted to shop like Jared was right there, not forgetting anything major. He wasn’t sure which bread to get, but Caleb knew, and that was a relief.

 

The drive to their house was mostly the boys talking about their upcoming game and how much ‘A’ they were going to kick. Jensen let them say ‘A’ but Jared always gave them a look and they said ‘butt’. The thought made Jensen smile a little as he thought about the look on his husband’s face. Jared was the cutest chider known to man. Making it home, he was glad to see Boogie waiting at the door. 

 

The German Shepherd wagged his whole body in happiness to see his family home, obviously looking for Jared in the mix. Jensen put Maggie in her bouncer chair and then told the boys to take off their jackets and shoes while he brought in the groceries. He had the counter loaded up with shop bags when he heard the boys whispering in the other room.

 

“You ask him.” Caleb whispered.

 

“No you.”

 

“It was your idea.”

 

“SO? I said it, so I did my part. You ask.”

 

Jensen put away the dairy products as he called out. “Ask me what?”

 

Two heads poked around the doorway before Caleb spoke. “Can we see Papa at the hospital? We can go after breakfast. We’ll wash our hands like when Maggie was made.”

 

The twins had been allowed in to see their newborn sister after Sophia gave birth, but the obstetrics wing had different rules than oncology. Jensen did not want to upset them by telling them they couldn’t see Jared in the hospital. He couldn’t lie to them either.

 

“The part Papa is in…isn’t where the babies are delivered. So he can’t have kid visitors. He wishes he could, but the rules say you have to be twelve. I’m sorry, guys. He’ll be home soon though… and then you can make sure he knows how much you missed him, right?”

 

The twins were disappointed, but Jensen could see they were willing to accept it- for now. He readied Maggie for bed and then had the twins take their bath before he let them call Jared’s hospital room to say goodnight.

 

Jared answered right away, and Jensen smiled before he murmured, “The boys wanted to tell you goodnight.”

 

“Aw, alright… Chad’s here. He brought the blankets.” 

 

“Good. Awesome. Tell him thanks for me. I’ll be there tomorrow as soon as I can be…” 

 

“I miss you.” Jared said the words softly and then cleared his throat. “You do the shopping?”

 

“Yeah, the kitchen’s fully loaded…”

 

“Did you get the celery stalks and cream cheese for the boys?”

 

“Yes.” Jensen smiled, glad he had remembered that. “Raisins too.”

 

“Go you, big daddy.” Jared praised his husband and Jensen could hear Chad making a gagging noise in the background. 

 

Not wanting to give himself time to get choked up, Jensen simply stated, “Here’s the boys.” Jensen handed the phone to Mac since Caleb was turning on the cordless in his hand. 

 

“Papa?” Caleb smiled widely and then asked, “You okay?”

 

“We were real good at Aunt Sam’s.” Mac added before Jared could answer. “We painted pots… like girls. We just didn’t tell her it was like girls.”

 

“That was nice of you.” Jared commented with a little laugh. “I’m sure they’ll look real nice. Did you eat your vegetables at dinner?”

 

“Yes, Papa.” The twins spoke in unison, Caleb reassuring, “It was beef stew. There were potatoes and carrots and green beans already in it.”

 

“Sounds good.” Jared felt warmed inside hearing his sons piping up left and right. He listened as they told him about the groundhog that lived at the edge of Jeff and Sam’s property and how they thought they needed a horse and it would fit in the basement. Jeff’s neighbors had a horse and apparently the animal inspired envy in the twins. “A horse is a lot to take care of. You know they have to be fed, watered, shoveled-up after. We don’t have the space. You can’t keep a horse in a basement.” 

 

“Oh.” Mac was momentarily bereft before moving on. “When are you coming home? Daddy says we can’t come there because we aren’t twelve. Which is a long time, Papa. To being twelve, I mean.”

 

“Yeah, thank God you’re not teenagers yet or close to it.” Jared joked softly. “I’ll be home in a few days, I’m thinking. But you’re going to have some company before then. Your Daddy’s people are coming down, so you need to be real hospitable to them. Just like at Christmas when we have people over. You need to make sure they feel welcome…and that they know where things are. The clean sheets…-“

 

“And towels.” Mac finished for his Papa. “We know, Papa. Christmas was like…yesterday.” He and Caleb had helped take clean linens to the guest rooms for their guests when they had company over the holidays. They knew where it all was. “We won’t give them dirty laundry to sleep on.”

 

“Even if it doesn’t smell THAT bad.” Caleb mused aloud, smiling when his Papa laughed over the line. “You want us to call you some more tomorrow?”

 

“Yeah, I do. I want to hear all about your day.” Jared murmured, “And look out for your Daddy. Tell him he can’t sit up watching TV. He has to go to bed. Papa said so.”

 

The twins both gave Jensen measuring looks and nodded their assent. 

 

“Goodnight, Papa. Love you.” Caleb whispered and then more softly, he said, “You can call any time you want to talk to us.”

 

“I know, little man. I know. Love you too, Caleb.” Jared had to bite his inner cheek to keep his voice level and natural.

 

Mac sighed, “Love you, Papa. Sleep tight. Bite the bedbugs.”

 

“You too, love you, Cormac.” Jared made the kiss sounds back to them and then the twins handed the phone to Jensen before dashing off to go brush their teeth.

Jensen leaned to the wall, looking over the kitchen as he said. “They’re worried.”

 

“Did you tell them anything?”

 

“Just that… you needed to stay a little longer than we thought.” 

 

“That was good.” Jared closed his eyes, feeling so tired he could hardly stand it. “I love you, Jen. I want you to go to bed. I’m about to be asleep. You should be too…it’ll make us together.”

 

Jensen could hear that quality to Jared’s voice that meant he was already half out of it. Jared was a murmur-sleeper. He talked before, during and after being asleep. It made some silly things come out of his mouth, but Jensen didn’t think he was being silly now at all. He wanted to be asleep at the same time as his husband.

 

“I’ll get the boys tucked in and go right to bed…I love you.”

 

“Love you too.” Jared whispered the words, letting Jensen go for the night.

 

 

The Ackles house was overtaken the next day. Jensen’s family had arrived, his parents along with his sister MacKensie and brother Josh. His parents were very supportive and understanding of their son’s fractured attention span. Jensen had trouble making plans at the moment, his thoughts going in so many directions. He wanted to watch his kids, but also be there for Jared. Donna Ackles took charge once she was in the house, asking the boys who wanted to help grandma bring in her suitcase. Magic words. Grandma Ackles always brought presents, even if there was no holiday or birthday. Jim, Jensen’s father, kept patting his son’s back as he asked quietly over Jared’s condition. Watching out for the boys, Jensen told his father all he could, which wasn’t much yet. 

 

MacKensie listened sadly to her brother, holding Maggie as she listened to how Jensen was trying to keep it all together. Kensie had a serious boyfriend, but at nineteen, her relationship was nowhere near the level of Jensen’s marriage. She was shocked for her brother, and noticed the absence of Jared strongly. She would have gotten a hug by now from her brother-in-law, his laugh would be warming the whole house.

 

Trying to think of a way to help out, Josh told Jensen not to worry about dinner. Josh was a chef at a very successful restaurant in Austin and often joked that he should have been the ‘gay son’ since he was the chef and Jensen was a sheriff. It was really only funny to the brothers. Josh was between girlfriends at the moment, but he always joked he was on the lookout for his next ex at all times. He enjoyed his single life and his parents were pretty sure he was going to be a lifelong bachelor. At least Jensen really picked up the slack in the grandchild making department.

 

The twins were instantly distracted in making their guests feel at home, and Jensen saw Jared’s influence there. Jensen was more likely to let people fend for themselves, forgetting those little niceties that Jared executed so flawlessly. His parents were taking the children to the park and to get something to eat, then they would come and visit Jared later on in the evening while Kensie and Josh were at the house. 

 

Donna stressed to Jensen that the children would be perfectly safe and he could go and see his husband with a clear conscience. Donna was not sure what spurred Jensen’s deep protective streak, but she respected it. She understood her son meant business when it came to his babies and there was no shame in that.

Aunt Missouri arrived as Jensen was going out the door, seeing her Honda Civic pull into the drive. He met her as she was stepping from her car, hugging her with a smile.

 

“Oh baby boy.” Missouri hugged him tight enough he felt his back creak, but he needed it. She patted over his back and then leaned back to look over his face. “You sleep a wink?”

 

“Tried. I slept some.” Jensen smiled as best he could, “I’m so glad you’re here.”

 

“Well I expect this is a time for family, both good and bad, so I thought I’d come help even it out. I know Jared’s parents are going to be around yanking your chain all they can. Just like gremlins attacking an airplane.” Missouri smiled, her café-au-lait face warmly beautiful, framed by her tightly braided back hair. She wore a loose caftan of burgundy silk over matching trousers, her leather shoes suggesting years of walking them into being just-right. 

 

“I will be here. Don’t you worry. You know I am one person never accused of taking too much of anyone else’s crap. I won’t have to be polite. You can just explain me away as the one that was ‘married in’.”

 

Jensen chuckled, shaking his head but not doubting for a moment she meant every word. “I think you’re one of the best things to ever happen to my family, Aunt. You know better than that. I don’t explain away anything I approve of. His parents came by the hospital last night just long enough to make him worry about money and the strain of his illness. They’re solid gold.”

 

“Solid something I won’t say without a drink first.” Missouri shook her head and gave Jensen’s arm a pat. “I’m going in to see your folks…see what the plan is. Don’t you worry none. We’re here… Got the fort. I know you Texans like your forts.”

Since she had moved over from Kansas, he understood her teasing all too well. It was a whole different world, Texas. He kissed her cheek and hugged her again. 

 

“Thanks…”

 

“Tell Jared I’ll be by later on tonight if he’s up to a visit.”

 

“Will do.”

 

Jensen left her then and drove to the hospital. He walked into Jared’s room and Jared looked over at him, holding a finger to his lips and then pointing to where Chad was sleeping in one of the chairs. Jensen sat quietly beside Jared, tucking himself next to his husband atop the bed.

 

“Was he here all night?”

 

Jared nodded, smiling a little. “He fell asleep when I was sleeping…got sort of cranky at all the checks they do here.”

 

“Well it’s supposed to be restful.” Jensen agreed with Chad getting grumpy over a nurse popping in every half hour to make sure you were resting. “Did you eat lunch yet?”

 

Making a face, Jared shook his head. “It was meatloaf… and I just wasn’t interested.”

 

“You want me to go get you something?”

 

“Maybe in a little bit. I just want to lay here with you for now… I missed you.” 

 

Jensen kissed his husband, cupping the side of Jared’s face in his hand. He felt overwhelmed when it came to standing still. As long as he was racing from point to point, he was doing *something*- but now he was having to be in the moment and focus. He drew back from Jared before he wanted to.

 

“Jason hasn’t been by yet?”

 

“No.” Jared replied softly. “He’s doing his rounds and I think he’s saving me for last.”

 

“I asked him to wait ‘til I was here too.” Jensen admitted. “I had to be.”

 

Jared hugged him tightly with his free arm, resting his head to Jensen’s chest. He felt comforted at the scent of the fabric softener scent wafting from the body warm cotton of Jensen’s shirt. A smuggled in fragrance that was not sterile, flat and *hospital*. Jensen smelt like baby shampoo too, which he used on his hair and the children’s. Jared loved that about Jensen. The big bad sheriff had used tearless shampoo before ever having babies. It was a little adorable.

 

“I wanted you here too…”

 

If he looked at Jared too long, Jensen was afraid he was going to have some emotional outburst that would do no one any good. Especially Jared. Jared did not need to be comforting *him* right now, that was for certain.

 

“My folks are at the house. Josh, Kensie…Aunt Missouri. They’re all coming by later on tonight. I wanted to have some time with you…”

 

“You want to send Chad home?” Jared asked the question gently, knowing Chad would not mind going now that Jensen was back. Chad was acting as a bit of a guard dog, telling Jared the night before that it made him see red when Dalton and Susan made Jared feel bad for being sick. There was no talking Chad out of his dislike and Jared didn’t try. Sometimes it exhausted him to love his parents and they were HIS parents. 

 

Jensen rolled from the bed and went to wake Chad. He was gentle about it, nudging Chad awake and then telling him he needed to go home and get some real sleep. Groggily Chad yawned and pushed up from his chair, stumbling over to give Jared a hug. Once Chad had mumbled something about coffee and ‘later’, they were alone. Jensen went back to sitting with Jared, telling him about the grocery shopping and assuring him the beds were ready for their guests. They were talking about the boys wanting a horse in the basement when Dr. Behr entered the room.

 

Dr. Behr looked unwell himself, and it was just from worry and nerves. He hated being the one to give Jared and Jensen the news he had to impart. He wished he had almost anything else to say. He wasn’t sure where to start, but once they looked at him so expectantly, he loosened his tongue.

 

“Jared, your test results have been evaluated… and I have your diagnosis. You have Acute Lymphocytic Leukemia. What this means is…your bone marrow is making too many lymphocytes, which are a type of white blood cell. The number of unhealthy white blood cells your body is producing is blocking your ability to generate healthy white blood cells, red cells and platelets. That’s why you’re anemic. Your body isn’t able to fight off infections or heal the way it should.”

 

Jared felt frozen in place, staring at the doctor as he heard Jensen seem to quit breathing. Maybe he had been holding out hope that it was definitely something else. Or a sickness that was not too dire. Something besides leukemia. He opened his mouth, closed it and tried again, his voice coming at a whisper.

 

“But there’s therapy. There’s medicine…”

 

Jason nodded, lips pressed together until he could go on. “I am recommending we begin chemotherapy right away. Today. We’ll get you started and then bring you back in for another round. Radiation will come later…”

 

Glad to hear something about curing himself, Jared looked at Jensen, seeing how fixedly Jensen was watching Jason. Jensen was looking at the doctor like he was waiting for Jason to say he was reading the wrong chart. Jared squeezed Jensen’s hand in his own and whispered.

 

“Jen? Talk to me.”

 

Tearing his eyes from the doctor, Jensen looked at Jared, clenching his teeth as he told himself second by second what *not* to do. How not to react. He had to be strong. He had to reassure his husband. There was no place for coming apart.

 

“I’m… it’s going to be alright. You’re young.”

 

Jensen turned his eyes back to Jason.

 

“He’s so young. It helps his chances, right?”

 

Dr. Behr squared his shoulders, his hands clasping his clipboard like it was an oracle.

 

“Jensen, Jared, I’m not going to lie to you. Your age is a factor, Jared. You will be stronger than a lot of people coming in from chemotherapy, but it will not be easy. This disease is aggressive and so we have to be aggressive in return. The treatments are going to be hard on your body. You won’t be able to work...”

 

“What?” Jared shook his head, sitting up more. “I think that would depend on how I’m doing.”

 

“Jared, I am telling you right now, your life depends on you getting plenty of rest and not stressing yourself or your body. You cannot push yourself. Listen to me. Take it to heart. I hate telling you these things. I don’t want to scare you…but you should know, with your levels where they are right now…your chance of survival is thirty percent.”

 

Dr. Behr waited, seeing the number sink into them, the way Jensen’s eyes showed signs of shock and Jared looked like he was trapped in a bad dream. Jason could not afford to pull punches if he meant to have Jared listen to him and understand what was at stake.

 

“I am very sorry. You are a fighter. You are young… but that doesn’t make you a sure thing, Jared. You have to take every precaution.”

 

Jensen pulled Jared to him, holding his husband as he felt how Jared was shaking. Tears dotted Jensen’s lashes as he held Jared, Jason’s words of apology all blending together. Barely making sense over the roar in Jensen’s mind, like a harsh wind coming through and tearing his thoughts apart.

 

Thirty percent.

 

A thirty percent chance of survival meant a seventy percent chance of…death.

God, no. Jensen knew he would never have imagined a nightmare as frightening as this reality. He heard Jason leave them and knew somewhere, Jeff was having a breakdown, thinking of his little brother. Not able to come in here when the diagnosis was given. A soft sob left Jared and Jensen held him tighter.

 

Jared whispered, “Once…the first round of treatments is done… I want to go home. Even if it’s just for a few days. I need to see my kids…”

 

“I know, babe. I know. We’ll get you home. You’ll be home.” 

 

Jensen was biting his inner cheek hard enough to draw blood. He was keeping his reaction at bay by miniscule measures. He just could not let that leash go here and now. He rubbed over Jared’s back, whispering. “There’s nothing going to take you away from me. There’s nothing.”


	7. Chapter 7

Jared was sleeping when his aunt and cousin arrived. Arlene was a tall woman, her face suggesting the calm intelligence she possessed. She managed to look forbidding and inviting at the same time. She was a woman of strong determination and will, but those traits did not cancel out her heart. She loved deeply and well- and the young man in the hospital bed was of great importance to her. She had taken him in when he was five years old, hardly believing his parents could give him up. How could Susan and Dalton betray their own child? Arlene still did not know. She had kept him gladly, and had never regretted having Jared in her home- but it changed forever how she felt about her sister. Jared staying away from Gatlin for so long had become routine. He would visit over the summer and a few holidays, but then he always returned to Arlene’s home. If anyone thought it was strange, they were told that it was a ‘family matter’. That seemed to hush any questions.

 

Children were a gift, but the same could not always be said for parents. She never felt that she had been cheated only having one child before her womb gave out on her- because later in life she had Jared too. Not everyone would understand the blessing she had felt in caring for her nephew, but she knew she had been graced with him as her child of circumstance. Bowing her honey-blonde head streaked with silver, she reached over, fixing Jared’s blankets, her eyes drawn to the I.V. in his arm. Her poor boy. He did not awake as they looked over him, Arlene being so careful not to disturb him. In her heart, she was relieved that, for this moment, she could see him but he would not see her. She had some amount of privacy. She could feel her pain and worry without having to hide her reaction and frighten Jared. She had raised him as her own and no one could tell her that he wasn’t a perfect boy then and a wonderful man now. She stood beside his bed, a hand over her mouth, her eyes taking in his pallor and how tired he looked. Hospitals could be very draining places. A strong hand at her back reminded her that she was not alone.

 

 

Her son, James, was trying to comfort her while he also took in the moment. They had come as quickly as they could, James finding someone to replace him at the bar he worked at. James made his money tending bar at night and taught Judo during the day. Hence making his degree in English Literature sort of fall to the wayside. He had a brilliant mind, no one ever questioned that, but James was not the best at deciding quite what to do with himself. Arlene did not worry for her son. He was more than capable. He was happy and that was what mattered most. She would not care if he took up beekeeping or pole dancing as long as he enjoyed it. Usually James had a smile for everyone, he was a genuinely happy person. It was no wonder that he and Jared were close to this day.. They were like brothers more than cousins, and when they were being silly there was no separating them. They could pass for brothers, both tall and dark haired, sharing an affinity for smiling and being social butterflies. James was not smiling now, however. His dark head was bent while he looked at his cousin and realized this was actually happening. James’ clear blue eyes showed in bold relief how he was feeling now. 

 

 

He could not find words really. This was Jared, after all. The same Jared that showed up at their house with only a little green suitcase and the worst nightmares whenever he closed his pained eyes. James had heard Jared the first night in the guest room, crying his eyes out. At seven years old, James could tell Jared was not crying because it was dark. Jared was smart enough to reach over and turn on the bedside lamp if he needed to. No, James had known it was something more, something bad and no lamp was going to make it better. He had gotten out of bed and crossed the hall to Jared’s room, letting himself in with a whispered, “Hey, Jared…”

 

That was all he had gotten out before Jared was sniffling hard, trying to stop crying, saying, “Jamie?”

 

Jamie. No one else called him Jamie, just his cousin. Only Jared ever got away with it, but then, to James’ mind- Jared had earned it by being his little brother in spirit.

 

The seven year old had felt his heart turn over thinking of how Jared must be feeling if he wasn’t even embarrassed for another boy to see him crying. James knew Jeff would have told Jared not to be a baby. Jeff always acted like you had to tough-guy your way through everything. James was not convinced it did Jeff all that much good. He certainly wasn’t going to say something mean to Jared when he was so torn up and scared. James went to sit with his cousin, holding him tight and rocking him, clumsily through the blankets twisted around his cousin.

 

“You want to come sleep with me, Jared? Would that make it any better?”

 

“Why ‘m I here, Jamie? What did I d-do? Did they tell you? Did they tell Aunt Arlene something BAD about me?”

 

“I don’t know what happened, Jared…but you ain’t bad. You ain’t never been bad.” Jamie kissed his cousin’s head the way his mama did his own, trying to sound firm. Since his father’s death the year before, James had been comforting his mother when he could. He felt his daddy would want him to at least try to make Mama feel better. Sometimes they just cried together. It was better than being alone. Jared needed to not feel so alone himself. James gave his cousin a tighter hug. “Mama said that you didn’t need to be around a drunk no-ways. She said he’s bad.”

 

That revelation brought fresh tears from Jared and Jamie was sure he was doing ‘this’ wrong. 

 

“You want me to get Mama?”

 

“No…” Jared clung to his older cousin, who knew everything about Spiderman and the X-Men and could throw a softball so fast it might kill somebody. Jamie was one of the nicest people Jared had ever known and he never made you feel bad for not knowing things like Jeff did. Jeff always tried to pick a fight with Jamie, like it would down the other boy, but James would just ignore him. It was kinda awesome when James would talk to him, play with him and not become one of the ‘older kids’ that were so mercurial and hard to get along with. Jamie just never let him down. Right now,Jamie was a human nightlight, making the room less oppressive by being in it.

 

“I think I did a bad thing.”

 

“You?” 

 

Jamie shook his head, finally stretching out beside Jared and coaxing his cousin to lie next to him. He still held Jared, giving what comfort he could. 

 

“What did you do?” 

 

So Jared told him. In haltingly confused sentences, Jared told Jamie about being left behind so often. Not being asked to go anywhere or do anything because Daddy had Jeff and Mama had ‘more important things to do than baby-sit’. His small voice in the dark was a sad song of a little boy that was constantly being pushed aside until the wrong hands caught hold of him. Jamie’s eyes widened when Jared told him about Curtis’ touches. The games. The baths. The older cousin was not sure what he was hearing, but he knew it was very bad. Very bad. He was perplexed because Jared was the one that was hurt, and Curtis was staying behind? That didn’t seem right somehow. Curtis got to live in Jared’s house and Jared had to move to Austin. The seven year old could not reckon it out. He came to the conclusion that his Aunt Susan didn’t have two brain cells to rub together. His mama had said THAT too, on the phone when she didn’t think he was listening. Jamie knew Jared was waiting for his verdict now. Having confessed his secret, the frightened boy wanted to know what Jamie thought. Jamie whispered softly to his cousin.

 

 

“You didn’t do anything, Jared. You didn’t. He is a bad man. He’s gross. “

 

A figure moved from the doorway and Jamie felt Jared jump in his arms, but it was just his mama. Arlene sat on the edge of the bed and reached down, picking Jared up like he was a baby. Her arms and lap enfolded him and he leaned into her, tear damp face pressed to her neck. Arlene was stunned by what she had heard. It took just about all she had not to take her shotgun and go calling on Dalton, Curtis and, yes, Susan too. Her sister was so low in her esteem now that Arlene didn’t even have a word for her. She just held onto Jared and promised him he had a home. Promised him he would never have to leave until he wanted to. That he was wanted, special, precious. She felt James hugging Jared from his other side and slid her arm around her son to include him. From that moment on, Arlene had felt she had two boys to love and care for.

 

She had been so nervous when Jared turned sixteen and Susan started making hints that Jared could return ‘home’ if he wanted to. Once he was well turned out and popular, Jared was a useful child again. Jared the honors student and athlete was welcome in his parents’ home, but Jared the crushed little boy had not been. Arlene had been swamped with relief when Jared told Susan he was fine where he was. That he would not be moving back to live with his parents. He said it kindly, but Arlene never doubted his word. Jared did not talk about Curtis or what had happened. Never would after that first night. It was like he had decided it was not going to overshadow him and hence he was not going to discuss it. Arlene had offered to take him to counseling when he was small, but the boy had just replied, ‘If I have something to say, I can tell Jamie, okay?” Not wanting to upset the balance Jared was finding, Arlene decided to keep a close watch. 

 

If she was worried, she promised herself, she would take him to a professional. What worried her most was the thought of Susan coming back to claim Jared and take him away. Arlene had no legal say in where Jared went, after all. She could be kept away from her nephew and not be able to help him. So despite her misgivings, Arlene held her tongue the best she could, putting Jared and his welfare first.

 

Arlene’s pledge to not rock the boat was sorely tested during Jared’s upbringing. Whenever Jared would visit his parents over the summer months, Arlene would pace her house, waiting for the phone to ring. If Dalton was too harsh, Jared would sometimes call her for comfort. He always wanted to know what he could do to make things better. She wanted to take a chunk of wood to Dalton in the worst way. Dalton knew on some level exactly what kind of a pig and coward he was. He knew deep-down that he would never be the man that Jared was. Susan knew this about Dalton the way she could tell when food went bad or the house needed painting. It was written all over the man that he was broken down and no damned good. Something in Jared’s eyes would set Dalton off just because his son, *this* son did not idolize him the way that Jeff did. Arlene knew Susan was entirely useless when it came to mothering her children or ever speaking on her kids’ behalf. 

 

While Jared was still living with Arlene, Megan was born. Megan was brought up in a house where her older brother was just a visitor and that was the norm. Having a little girl, Susan beamed with pride and accomplishment. It was a new distraction for Susan and Jared was forgotten again in the rush of a new baby.

 

Of course when Jared decided to move out, Arlene had suffered. Jared moved to San Antonio and stayed with James for awhile before he made the final move, returning to Gatlin. There was not a day that went by that Arlene did not worry about Jared. Oh, it wasn’t a lack of faith in Jensen or Jared himself. No, it was knowing how close Jared was going to be to his parents. Their proximity to Jared, in Arlene’s mind, equated danger. Dalton was no one Arlene would trust around any child, but her hands were tied in how much she could do or say to the man. Not if she wanted to be able to keep Jared in her home, under her care. It made Arlene feel like she was watching a baby play by a snake hole, knowing something bad could come up any time. She had to remind herself that Jared was a grown man now, had children of his own and a loving husband. She thought Jensen was the best thing to ever happen to Jared. Jensen was smart, articulate, brave. He also had a really good head on his shoulders. He might ignore a great deal of things that annoyed him but if you crossed the line, he would let you know. Arlene had seen him, more than once, verbally undercut Dalton. 

 

Nothing too flashy or over the top, just enough that Dalton could either concede or take it to another level and see what was behind door number two. Dalton always backed down, preferring to bad-mouth Jensen when his son-in-law was not in earshot. Probably a wise choice. Jensen was patient and Arlene knew that he let some things go for Jared’s sake, but there were limits. Dalton never wanted to go too far.

 

James watched his mother’s face, seeing her thoughts flicker there. It was like watching a silent movie but still hearing every word. He slid his arm around her, giving her support and taking some for himself. He tried to prep himself for seeing Jared in a hospital bed, but the reality still was taking its toll. He wanted to hold his cousin’s hand but didn’t want to wake him. 

 

The door of the room opened and Jensen came back inside. He had his head down, rubbing over his eyes. He had not noticed James and Arlene yet as he kept his cup of coffee from being banged out of his hand by the closing door. The moment he saw figures standing over Jared in his peripheral vision, Jensen tensed and straightened, before releasing a breath. Arlene and James. He nodded to them and closed the door carefully. His face was ravaged by a lack of sleep and the fear that was hammering its way through him. The words ‘thirty percent’ had not yet lost their power. He was still frozen in that place where he was told his husband could die. Die. Be gone forever. There was nothing he could do about it. He had stayed with Jared until Jared was asleep again before going to get more coffee, call Chris. He had no idea what he had said to Chris over the phone, but he had to talk to his friend. He had to be able to face his children and be strong. Not come

undone when he was needed the most. 

 

“Arlene, James…”

 

Arlene went to Jensen and cupped his face in her hands before kissing his forehead. She still remembered the day Jared brought Jensen to her home. How shyly proud her nephew had been, clutching Jensen’s hand in his own. Her first impression of Jensen had been that he was a damned pretty boy, young man if you will. His face was all lit up like an angel’s when he smiled to Jared, and it made her think Gatlin might not be so bad after all.

 

“I’m sorry I wasn’t here sooner.”

 

Jensen’s eyes gleamed with unshed tears. Her small act of contact was almost enough to make him cry already. He shook his head, still speaking softly.

 

“Jared was sure you were coming. We both were. Don’t worry about it, please.”

 

James saw how Jensen was looking at his mother and he knew there was more. The test results had come back or something, because Jensen did not look like he was ‘waiting’ to see what was wrong. He looked like he knew, and whatever it was had sucked life right out of him. 

 

“Jensen… sit down, man. You look like you’re ready to fold over.”

 

Jensen didn’t argue that. He sat down beside Jared’s bed, feeling James’ hand briefly rest to the nape of his neck. When he first met Jared, Jensen thought Jared was the world’s biggest hugger. After meeting James, Jensen saw why. James was a very touchy-feely person with his friends and family. Jensen was accustomed to it now, from James at least. You either got used to James hugging you or stayed out of his way- in which case, Jared would get you anyway. Drawing his mind back to the moment at hand, Jensen knew they were waiting to hear what the doctors were saying. They were being considerate of him, not asking outright, but they were Jared’s family. Closer to him than his own parents, even. 

 

“Dr. Behr told us what they found. What Jared has. It’s leukemia. It’s definitely leukemia.”

 

James felt his stomach souring, and knew how serious it was by the careful way Jensen spoke. He felt his mother trembling beside him and saw her shaking hands lift to cover her face for a moment. James pulled her into his arms, rocking her gently. 

 

Jensen did not look at Arlene as she took the news. He just couldn’t. He could not watch her suffering and keep his own pain down like he needed to. He still heard the hitched breaths of her sobs. She was doing well to smother most of her sounds, but some reached him. He drank his coffee, forcing down the brew and waiting silently as James and Arlene got themselves together. Any words of comfort he might have offered would have stuck in his throat, so Jensen did not bother trying. 

 

Palms to her cheeks, Arlene brushed the tears away and pressed her trembling lips tight together.

“I am so sorry, Jensen.”

 

Lifting his eyes a moment, Jensen merely nodded. He knew what she was apologizing for, giving her sympathy. Arlene knew she did not have to be sorry for being afraid for Jared. She was just sorry it was happening at all.

 

“Are they recommending chemotherapy?” James asked.

 

“Yeah, that and depending on how it goes, radiation.”

 

Jensen braced himself for the questions, knowing he was going to have plenty of them to answer. He still had to tell his so-inquisitive sons about their Papa, and what was happening. He knew the twins would have plenty of questions.

 

Arlene rested a hand to Jensen’s shoulder. “Did they say how advanced it is?”

 

The look that tore across Jensen’s face was answer enough and she nodded. She put a finger to his lips and reassured him.

 

“Okay, honey. Okay. You don’t need to talk about that right now.”

 

Jared woke up to seeing his aunt and cousin standing over Jensen, all of them looking so serious. He cleared his throat, surprised how swiftly Jensen was beside him giving him water to drink. Swallowing the cool sweet water, Jared smiled to his visitors.

 

“Hey, when did y’all get here?”

 

“Not too long ago.” Arlene answered, leaning down to hug him. She kissed the side of his face, seeing how dark the skin was around his eyes. “Sorry we woke you up.”

 

“Oh, no, no…it’s not you. I barely sleep in here. I am too used to my bed at home.” 

 

Jared looked to James and held out his free arm.

 

“Jamie.”

 

James moved easily to embrace Jared, hugging his cousin tightly. James kissed Jared’s cheek and then pulled back.

 

“Hey coz.”

 

Jared could tell that James was aware, that Jensen had told his aunt and cousin already about his condition. It was there just over the blue of Jamie’s eyes, a knowing that could not be hidden away. Jared gave James a second hug before letting him go.

 

“How’s work going, Jamie? Last time you called you were watching Cocktail, you said.”

James chuckled, nodding.

 

“That last until I lost a few bottles and realized that people might prefer to drink the alcohol instead of seeing it decorate the bar and floor. I’m good at mixing drinks and slinging beers…but across the bar, not up in the air.”

 

“Aw…well at least you got to try it.” Jared tried to find the silver lining. He reached over and held his aunt’s hand, warming her cold fingers in his grasp. “Jensen’s aunt and family are at the house. They’re watching the kids.”

 

“We rented a room at the Marriott.” Arlene responded, knowing Jared and Jensen would have gladly put them up but felt the strain of more people. She sat down in one of the chairs by Jared’s bed and just started talking. Filling up the air with little things about work and a funny bit she saw on television. She had a way to her that suggested it was alright to take a breather and talk about other things. No one was thinking less of what frightened them, no, but it did give them the time to deal with it and not have to do so aloud. Arlene could have cried her heart in half, but she would not do that in front of Jared, or Jensen. She wanted to support them, not give them someone else to worry about. She kept up the conversation, even when Jensen was quiet, knowing he had to be exhausted. James did his part, telling Jared about the girl he was dating and how she had way too many cats. James particularly did not like cat hair on his clothing.. They had to pause in their talking when the nurse came in to check Jared’s I.V. The nurse’s innocuous smile and very presence were a reminder of why they were there and how serious things were. Not that they had forgotten. Jensen looked like he had smudged black paint under each of his eyes and taken to avoiding food. The man needed about a week of sleep if he’d take it. Arlene noted Jensen’s stare to the wall and wondered if he was even aware when the nurse left the room again.

 

 

“Jensen, honey, if you want to go home and get some sleep, we can stay here…”

 

Jared gently broke in. “You know I’m fine, right? An adult? I can lay here all by myself. Y’all don’t need to take shifts…”

 

Jensen met his husband’s eyes a moment and then looked back to Arlene. “I have a fold out bed I can sleep on…”

 

“Or next to me.” Jared argued. He liked having Jensen sleep beside him, even if Jensen seemed to think he was made of glass all of a sudden. They had not exactly been sneaking in any intimacy since the diagnosis. Jared understood how upset Jensen was, but he wished like hell his husband would just *stop* for a moment. Stop blaming himself and running himself ragged- definitely stop bottling it all up. Jared just worried about where all those feelings were going and where they might come out. 

 

“Yes, or next to Jared.” Jensen replied with a hint of a smile. “Don’t mind me. I’m not much for talking right now but I don’t mind listening.”

 

“Good thing.” James quipped before patting Jared’s knee through his blanket. “Jared and Mama can out-talk just about anyone I can think of. I’m going to run down to the vending machines.. Does anybody want anything?”

 

“Can you get me a box of Gobstoppers, one of those packs of Reeses’ cookies and a coffee?” Jared asked, “With sugar and cream.”

 

James smiled at the request, as if he’d bring Jared his coffee black. He knew his cousin liked sweets, and would feel better with a cookie in hand. “Sure. Jensen? Mama?”

 

Arlene nodded. “Coffee, thank you, sweetie.”

 

Jensen asked for coffee as well, and James set off for provisions. 

 

James and Arlene stayed for another hour before they were telling Jared goodnight and heading to their hotel. Left with Jensen, Jared looked down at his blankets for a moment before he spoke.

 

“I think you should go home, Jen.”

 

“What?”

 

Jared did not miss the sharpness to Jensen’s tone and lifted his head, seeing how befuddled his husband was at his suggestion.

 

“Home to our kids. You can’t just stay here. I am not going to change, Jen. Even if you never leave my side, I’m still going to be sick. You know that, right?”

 

Turning his face away from Jared, Jensen felt his chin wobbling and put his hand over it, gathering his strength not to lose it. He bit hard into his lower lip before he tried talking. Did he KNOW how sick Jared was and how he couldn’t do a damned thing about it? Yeah, it had *occurred* to him. He had to hold back from saying the words loud and angry. That wasn’t what he wanted. 

 

“Jensen.”

 

Jared knew the obstinate set to his husband’s shoulders, the way Jen wouldn’t look at him. The twins did the same thing when they were feeling cornered or upset. He gentled his tone.

“They need you, honey. The boys and Maggie need you. “

 

“My parents… Aunt Missouri-…”

 

“Aren’t you.” 

 

Jared cut in harshly, despite the hurt undercurrents to Jensen’s voice. 

 

“Other people aren’t us, Jen. It’s not enough just to have SOMEONE watching our children. It’s not good enough.”

 

Jensen flinched at the words and stood so fast that Jared caught his breath.. He was not afraid Jensen was going to get physical with him. Jensen never had or would; the suddenness just took him by surprise. 

 

Jensen was not about to hear he was neglecting his children. He wasn’t. He still felt a tearing grief in his gut because he felt he was losing on all fronts. 

 

“Not GOOD ENOUGH?”

 

Jared winced and shook his head. “I-...”

 

“No. No. You said it. Let’s talk about it.”

 

Jensen rested his hands loosely to his hips, looking at his husband, seeing how pale Jared was. Tears were in Jensen’s eyes and he wanted to sink down to the floor, cover his head and fucking cry a few months away- but that was not a choice he had.

 

“You want to tell me I’m not doing this right, Jay? Because you know, I’m pretty sure you don’t have more experience with this than I do. I’m doing my best. I’m trying, alright? I go home, come here, go home… I do all I can think to do. You want me to act like you’re not here? Like you’re not sitting in a hospital bed surrounded by machines and strangers? I can just spend time with the kids like my husband, the man I love more than anyone or anything in heaven or earth is sick? Is that what I’m supposed to do?”

 

“Yeah. That’s what you’re supposed to do.”

 

Jared hated how his voice kept wanting to quit on him, extreme emotion making him choke up.

 

“You know why you’re pushing this so hard?” Jensen asked, eyes slitted and fierce. “Because of how bad YOU want to be home, Jay. Because it’s all you want. To be home, with the kids… and not here… so you’re pushing ALL OF THAT on ME. Telling me where I should be and how I’m not doing things right. What’s RIGHT, Jay? You tell me. What the FUCK is RIGHT?”

 

“Lower your voice.”

 

Jared was afraid the nurses were going to come busting into the room and then Jensen might really have someone to yell at. Watching his husband closely, he murmured, “I know you’re tired…”

 

“Don’t placate me.” Jensen ran both hands through his hair, sending the dark blond spikes in every direction. “Even wide awake…who do you think I think of first? The children are surrounded by people that love them and take care of them. They are not in any danger or…alone. You, here? You’re by yourself. Do you get that? Do you get that I feel torn apart when I walk out of this hospital and you’re not with me?”

 

Jaw set, Jared knew Jensen was not just upset with *him*. Jensen was generally upset with everything. All at once. It was like standing on a melting bit of ice, floating in a long stretch of dark cold water, even what was under your feet was not nearly enough to make you feel safe. It was not lost on Jared the gravity of his situation. He saw it reflected back to him in other people’s eyes, the knowledge that he could be lost. He could die. Well before his time, he might be leaving his husband and children behind to get by without him. It hurt deeply to imagine their pain, even past his own fears of not being with them. He didn’t want his sons to ever have to try and remember him, his face a hazy recollection. Maggie wouldn’t know how excited he was when Sophia and the doctor told him they were having a girl. Jared had been exuberant, Jensen laughing as they kissed in the doctor’s office. Jensen could tell them some things, yes, but Jared wanted 

to be the one whispering stories to his children and chasing after them at Halloween to get them all ready to go. He clenched his fists into his sheets , not wanting to alienate or hurt Jensen, but feeling frustrated himself.. Jensen was right about one thing. Jared starved for being home with his children. He wanted to hear his sons scream-talking up the stairs and running around despite being told no running in the house. He wanted that heavy thump of Maggie’s head to his chest when she would give into falling asleep, sucking at the knuckle of his finger. 

 

“Jen, please. I don’t want you to take this on like it’s something you did or didn’t do. My God, when have you not made my life *better* by being in it? No matter what happens-“

 

“Don’t say that.”

 

Jensen choked out the three words painfully, walking over to stand close to Jared. He eased down to the bed and held Jared in his arms, shaking slightly as he held his husband.

 

“Don’t say anything like that to me, Jay.”

 

Jared kissed Jensen’s throat and under his jaw, meeting his husband’s lips and sealing their mouths together. His free hand lifted to grasp Jensen’s nape, holding him in place for the deepening, hungry kiss. He felt it when Jen started to draw back, like it might be too much. Making a softly pleading sound, Jared sucked at Jensen’s tongue, hand tightening in demand. ‘Please,’ Jared thought, ‘Please don’t stop this.’

 

Silently, Jensen assented. He was worried about Jared hurting himself or being exhausted, but then Jay took his hand and drug it down under the blankets. Beneath the heavily starched sheets and blankets, Jensen’s hand curved around the thick ridge of Jared’s needy cock. He palmed Jared and squirmed his hand under Jared’s flannel pants to just hold him. Jensen slowly jacked the tumescence in his grip, loving the feel of silken skin skimming over stony hardness. He groaned to Jared’s voracious mouth, his own body slamming into arousal. How could he help it? He pulled his mouth from Jared’s and saw how scalding Jared’s stare was. 

 

“Alright.”

 

The one word made Jared relax, he knew Jensen was not going to leave him wanting. Not going to say something about ‘for his own good’. Jensen ‘s mouth was at Jared’s ear, his voice low and rough.

 

“We can’t lock the door. So we need to be quiet as we can. I want to just go down on you, Jay. I really do. Have you fuck my mouth… my throat, until I think you might choke me. Til I can’t taste anything but you and how you’re dripping to cum- but … we can’t do that, can we? Got to go with Plan B.”

 

Jared had trouble putting a coherent thought together when Jensen’s whisper was tickling his ear, the words making him lift his hips for more of Jensen’s talented hand. He groaned and clamped his lips together to hold the sound back, finally gasping out.

 

“What…what’s Plan B?”

 

Licking into the curl of Jared’s ear, Jensen sucked over the lobe and blew puffs of air there. He loved seeing Jared getting so aroused that his cheeks flushed with it.

 

“I’m going to jerk you off until you’re pretty sure you’re going to make a big mess of your bed… then… when it’s time…I’m going to put my mouth on you, suck it all down. Keep you nice and clean…”

 

“God…God…” Jared panted while Jensen was pumping him harder, with more demand. His belly flexed when Jensen’s thumb circled and pressed to his cock’s tip. Jensen knew to pinch him there, a sharp-sweet little pain that made him throb relentlessly in response. He was leaking for Jensen, feeling the strokes of his shaft obliterating his mind. “Yeah, ah, Jen… ah… needed…this…”

 

“I know… me too. I need to feel you, Jay. I need to make you cum. I can’t help getting hungry just looking at you, thinking of how my cock’s been all over you…inside of you… How you look with my cum on your lips…”

 

“Jen!”

 

Knowing what that whispered shout meant, Jensen was swiftly pulling the blankets away. He slid Jared into his mouth abruptly, swallowing him down. He sucked hard at his husband’s fullness. He felt Jared grab to his scalp, those stilted half-words of sex and completion blending together. Jensen kept up the insistent pressure, his hand encircling the base of Jared’s sex and pumping him non-stop. When Jared exploded into his mouth, Jensen swallowed every drop. He slid Jared to his throat and the hand at his head was clamped over Jay’s mouth. Jared was groaning into his own palm as he came hard. Jensen licked Jared until he felt his husband twitching from the sensitivity. Righting Jared’s pants and blankets, Jensen looked up to him.

 

“Better?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

Jared blinked, feeling utterly limp with bliss now.

 

“Maybe you should have been a nurse, Jen.”

 

Jensen laughed, raising a brow. “That’s not the kinda ‘nursing’ I’d be doing for a living.”

 

“Well, if you ever did… you’d have people hurting themselves on purpose to get in here.”

 

Jared smiled and pulled Jensen to him, hugging him. He looked down to Jensen’s lap, seeing the evidence of Jensen’s own need under the stretched denim.

 

“Do you want me to-“

 

“No… I’m alright. I think we already tempted fate. No sense in the town sheriff getting caught molesting his husband. Indecent exposure and all. Lewd acts.”

 

Jared chuckled, shaking his head. “There’s nothing indecent about you, even during lewd acts.”

 

“I’m sure the judge would agree.” Jensen teased, kissing Jared’s temple softly. “I’d get off just explaining to him that my husband seduced me.”

 

“You can’t say I seduced you. I’m looking like hell…”

 

Jensen placed a finger to Jared’s lips, stopping the words. He kissed over Jared’s eyelids and then placed a chaste kiss to his brow.

 

“I have never in my life seen anyone as beautiful as you, and that hasn’t changed. Won’t ever change.”

 

Shakily inhaling, Jared wished he could believe that. But he felt like he was going to test that theory sooner than he cared to. Jensen was going to still be handsome, healthy and strong. After the chemo though, Jared knew his own looks would be ravaged. He had never considered himself to be a vain person. Not one to wish for a difference in his appearance. Sure, as a kid he had hated being stick thin and so damned tall that his wrists and ankles protruded from all of his clothing- but he had never wanted to change anything about how he looked. He bit into his lip and murmured, “It will change. I talked to Dr. Behr about it. The chemo and radiation… Jen… I’m going to lose my hair, you know? It’s going to happen.”

 

Arms tightening around Jared, he could feel every tremble. Jensen kissed the frown on his husband’s brow, smoothing across that line with his lips.

 

“It’ll grow back. It’s just hair, baby. It’s not your heart. It’s not memories or love. It’s hair. When I look at you, I’m not seeing how long your hair is or how tight your belly might be. Hell, I did at first. I was noticing left and right how beautiful you are…but now? Now I see my husband and there’s more to you, to us…than I can even put words to. I wish I could take this on for you, I would in a heart –beat. But I can’t. I just want you to concentrate on taking care of you, okay? Getting better.”

 

Jared nodded silently, holding onto his husband as he tried not to say how scared he was. Every time he kept from saying it, he felt he had accomplished something.

 

 

One Week Later…

 

“Like this, Uncle Chris?”

 

Chris turned from vacuuming the sofa, seeing how Caleb was running a dust cloth over the front of the television screen. The little boy was taking it very seriously, wanting to do the best job he could. His Papa was coming home today. Any time now. Mac was busy by the foyer, arranging all the shoes alongside the wall, matching them up and making them straight. Chris nodded to Caleb.

 

“Looking good, kiddo. Don’t get yourself dusty. I don’t need your aunt tanning my hide after she got y’all scrubbed and everything.”

 

“Don’t worry. I’m being careful.” Caleb was too. He was conscientious of looking nice for his Papa’s return. It had been forever since he’d seen his father, seeming like more than just a week and a half absence. Even talking to his father every night on the phone did not alleviate the not-right feeling of his Papa not being there. Caleb dusted off the bookshelf next, hoping his Papa would be able to see how well they took care of things.

 

Aunt Missouri was at the grocery store with Maggie while Chris watched the twins. Jensen’s parents and siblings had returned to their own homes after coming to visit, but they made drop ins. Jim and Donna still came by to see the children and help out with laundry and getting the boys to school, but Missouri stayed with the children and Jensen. Arlene and James were also still in town, and Chris expected it was hard on everyone that had to come and go. They would all like to be able to stay, but other obligations and responsibilities pulled people away. At the sheriff’s office, they weren’t doing too bad yet picking up the slack. Jensen was coming in sporadically, doing the best he could. It was a small town. Everyone understood why Jensen was short-tempered as all get out and could hardly concentrate. After all, Jared had just gone through his first week of chemotherapy. There wasn’t a feeling soul in Gatlin that didn’t sympathize with their

sheriff. 

 

Mac stood up and surveyed his work, stepping back. “You think Papa’ll stay down here with us or have to go right to bed? Coz if he has to go right to bed, we can all go up there. There’s room. It’s a real big bed.”

 

Chris half-smiled. “I’m sure it is.”

 

There was a knock at the door before it opened. Susan entered the house, holding a huge fruit basket in her arms. She was followed by Dalton, the man already wearing a little scowl as he carried in a wicker basket stuffed with linens. The scent of lemons and lavender was strong, and Chris detected it was coming from the basket Dalton was lugging in.

 

“Hellooooo.”

 

Susan’s voice rang out with a trill. She looked down to Mac and beamed before breezing past him.

 

“Grandmother is here.”

 

Caleb frowned a little and asked. “Are you eating all that fruit? We already had lunch.”

 

“Oh this is just a little something to welcome your daddy home.”

 

Mac corrected her. “Papa.”

 

“What?” Susan arched a brow, putting down the fruit basket.

 

“Daddy HAS been home. Papa was at the hospital.”

 

“Same difference.” Dalton huffed. He looked to his wife. “Where am I putting all this?”

 

Chris rested a hand to the top of Mac’s head, sensing that the boy wanted to tell his grandpa that no- there was a big ass difference between his Daddy and his Papa. Because there was. 

 

“I’m sure Jared’ll be happy you made it by. Would you like some coffee?”

 

“Yes, please.” Susan replied, “Dalton takes his black, mine is a packet of sweetener only and low-fat cream, unless you have skim milk.”

 

“Sounds yummy.” Chris deadpanned before going to the kitchen to get them a coffee. He wanted to make an effort since Jared and Jensen could be home anytime. It would be nice to not have any major explosions.

 

In the living room, Susan looked around and saw her grandsons’ expectant expressions. She saw the vacuum was out and that a dust rag was on the carpet nearby. 

 

“Thank *goodness* Grandmother is here. This place is a MESS.”

 

It did not matter that the place was nearly spotless or that their aunt Missouri and Chris had helped keep it that way. What mattered was that Susan wrinkled her nose like she was in a pigsty. Making the twins feel very insulted and also, on their fathers’ behalf, defensive. The boys both looked crushed as she said the words, not saying anything as she started to fuss around the room as if they hadn’t done a thing. The twins wandered into the kitchen, avoiding their always grumpy grandfather in favor of staying near to Chris. They were crushed at Susan’s words but not sure what to even say. Caleb felt Mac’s arm go across his shoulders and looked to his brother, trying to smile like he was okay..

 

Chris glanced over from putting a pack of Sweet-n-low in Susan’s coffee. “You guys alright?”

 

Caleb kept quiet but Mac whispered, “Grandma Susan’s kinda mean.”

 

Thinking about it, Chris nodded. “I hear ya, brother. What’d she say this time?”

 

Mac shrugged, not wanting to hurt Chris’ feelings after he had helped them. Thinking of what his Daddy might say, he answered. “Nothing I can’t handle. When’s Papa getting here?”

 

“As soon as they sign him out. That’s the word.” Chris lifted both mugs of coffee. “Your Papa’s probably hurrying as fast as he can. I know he’s missing you both bad.” Turning, he saw Mac opening the pantry door and taking out the toaster.” What’re you doing, Mac?”

 

“Making some toast. Caleb likes honey toast when he’s not feeling good. Papa lets us make it for ourselves. Do you want some?”

 

“Naw, I’m good. I’m taking them coffee. You guys make your toast.” Chris went back to the living room. He made small talk with Susan and Dalton, trying to ignore Susan moving things around. She was moving around so much that he wanted to tell her to sit the fuck down- but he didn’t. When Missouri came in the front door, carrying Maggie in one arm and some groceries with the other, Chris was relieved. He was so happy she was back. He was quick to help her, telling Missouri to take a load off while he brought in the rest of the groceries. He came back in to hear Susan talking, of course.

 

“…so I went to my linen store. It’s the best. You haven’t felt sheets until you’ve felt these… I decided Jared was going to need something really comfortable. You know he won’t be able to be up as much.”

 

Susan didn’t feel there was any reason to mince words here. Jared was going to be down and bed-ridden. It was best to at least make him comfortable. She glanced at the twins, thinking of how like Jensen they were. Such mutinous little faces. They had to drain Jared’s energy even more with their high-spiritedness.

 

Mac was perplexed and munched on his slide of toast before he commented. “My DADDY makes up his bed every day. With real sheets. They have sheets.”

 

“Cormac.” Aunt Missouri said softly, a gentle warning. She was changing Maggie’s diaper and hearing how Susan did her trademark condescension. It was the only way the woman seemed to know how to communicate. Try as she might to just pity and forgive Susan, Missouri usually wanted to whap the woman with a wooden spoon. Right across the forehead, preferably, leaving a big spoon mark. But she was a lady, and tried not to resort to violence. Lord knows the woman was loud enough regularly, if injured , Susan might just break the sound barrier. “Come here, boys. Take the bread and cheese to the fridge.”

 

The twins took the cold stuff and the bread, putting the items away as their Aunt Missouri looked to Chris. “I’m going to go give Maggie her bottle. I know she won’t take it once Jared’s home. She’s going to be too excited to eat.” 

 

Dalton was wondering how long Jensen’s aunt was going to be around when he heard Susan gasp in horror. Her hands flew up before she screeched.

 

“Oh MY GOD.”

 

Chris leaned over to see what the woman was yelling about. He grimaced as he saw inside her very fancy basket of sheets. Two pieces of toast were lying butter-and-honey side down in the cloth. 

Dalton put a hand to his wife’s back as she was saying something about thread-count. “BOYS! GET YOUR ASSES IN HERE NOW!”

 

“Hey! Hey!” Chris cut into the end of Dalton’s bellow. “You don’t need to be yelling at them like that…-“

 

“Someone sure as hell SHOULD. Lookit this mess!” Dalton glared as the twins entered from the kitchen, wide-eyed.

 

Chris was aware of Missouri hurrying down the stairs holding Maggie and her bottle, and then too- because it wasn’t getting tense enough- the front door was opening. Jensen came in, looking weary but happy, Jared right behind him, pale as snow but on his own two feet at least.. Arlene and James were on their way over, but had driven separately. 

 

Jensen looked over, seeing how red-faced Dalton was, and his boys looking like they were scared. Not apologetic really, but frightened. Jensen sat down the suitcase he was carrying, eyes sharp.

 

“What’s going on?”

 

The twins sped towards Jared, hugging him immediately as he dropped to his knees, arms going tight around his boys. He hugged them both and heard his father talking way too loud.

 

“Your boys ruined a gift from your mother, Jared. You don’t need to be raising them to be brats that don’t appreciate-“

 

Jared looked up, angry, about to reply but Jensen beat him to it.

 

“My sons-.” Jensen said softly, “-are not brats Dalton. In this house, adults don’t call children names. Ever. Now you need to calm down.” He saw Susan’s angry face and asked his boys. “What happened?” Jensen was pissed off already, but he kept it out of his tone when he spoke to his sons.

 

Looking as innocent as a saint, Mac answered. “I don’t know what he’s mad about, Daddy. We were in the kitchen.”

 

As Jensen frowned and Dalton harrumphed, Caleb said. “I dropped my toast in the basket. I’m sorry, Daddy. If you want Grandma Susan to still make your bed, I’ll get some sheets out of the closet.”

 

Jared was stymied, wondering what was going on. He stood and peeled off his jacket.

 

“You were going to make our bed, mother?”

 

“It was going to be a nice surprise.” Susan said stiffly, not getting the amount of sympathy and apologies she had expected.

 

“The bed’s fine as it is.” Jensen answered, glancing her way and then to the twins again. “Dropped toast is nothing to scream about. Boys, take the sheets your grandmother brought and put them in the laundry room. I’ll take care of it later.”

 

“Yes, Daddy.” The twins chimed their reply and then took the basket of linens to the laundry room. Alone, Mac asked Caleb.

 

“Did you drop your toast in here? On PURPOSE?”

 

Caleb smiled, pulling the toast out of the sheets and nodding. “She made me mad.”

 

“Rock ON.” Mac was wildly pleased and proud of his twin. Usually, Mac did the lion’s share of misbehaving. He accepted that as his duty to do here on earth, but Caleb’s little act of rebellion was a thing of beauty. “That’s awesome, Caleb!”

 

“Shhh!” Caleb laughed faintly, blushing in pleasure as he whispered, “You know Grandma is mad now.”

 

“Whatever.” Mac clapped a hand to his brother’s back. “You are sneaky.”

 

“Not always-“

 

“I like it.”

 

Caleb grinned again, not able to stop when Mac was praising him. They raced back to the living room to see their fathers.

 

When Arlene and James arrived, they found Jared on the sofa, framed by his boys and holding his baby. Jensen sat to the other side of the couch, next to Caleb. Jared was a little overwhelmed by it all, wanting to catch his breath- but at the same time he didn’t want to stop seeing his kids. He rubbed over Maggie’s belly and could not get her to relax and take her bottle. She was too squirmy for that. He did his best to set Jensen at ease too. Jensen was tense from having his in-laws there, but he was trying to wait them out. If it was left up to him, Jensen would have decked Dalton and threw him out of his house. He was trying to not go there- unless he had to.

 

Susan was chattering along and then looked to James. “So, James, how long are you staying in Gatlin? I imagine you need to get back to work… even bartenders have rules, don’t they?”

James looked at her for a moment, weighing out if he wanted to pretend to be nice. He smiled marginally. “I have personal time. Jared’s like a brother to me. I handle my business. Don’t worry about me.”

 

Patting her son’s shoulder, Arlene knew James and Jensen could form an alliance if given a chance. She hoped they wouldn’t. Susan would feel she had done her part soon enough and wander off. 

 

“James does very well for himself. He works so much and saves nearly every penny. Family comes first.”

 

Arlene’s tone was warning. She did not care for Susan’s method of trying to tear people down with those snippy little words of hers. Arlene saw her son’s little grin her way and relaxed, knowing James was not at all worried about Susan and Dalton. He didn’t give a spit for their opinion.

 

“No girlfriend?” Dalton asked pointedly. He had assumptions about James, telling his wife more than once that James had ‘that look’ about him. Which meant he thought James was in the closet. It didn’t matter that James was straight as an arrow. Dalton was used to finding a stereotype or misconception and running it into the ground.Dalton equated the good looks with a lifestyle he speculated about and insulted.

 

“I do alright.” James answered noncommittally. He looked to Jared. “What’re you thinking for dinner?”

 

Jared smiled slightly and felt tired as hell. He had been barely eating, hospital food unappetizing and not wanting anything really. He considered and replied. “Black pepper chicken. Dirty rice. Beer.”

 

“Sounds good.” James agreed with a grin. “Who’s cooking all that?”

 

“You are, baby.” Missouri teased, standing. “You can help me in the kitchen. I never had an assistant before… hope they got an apron in your size.”

 

James grinned, pressed into service. He followed after Missouri, going to see what he could do to help. He had met Missouri at family dinners Jared and Jensen hosted. James thought she was an amazing lady and they got on well. 

 

“How long’ve you got before you have to go back?” Dalton asked his son like he was asking if it was raining outside or not.

 

Jared sighed. “A week. Then I do another… round.” He looked to his boys, knowing he had to tell them what was happening. He promised Jensen they’d do it together, but it was so tempting to wait..… To wait and enjoy his kids. Relax at home. Not have a cloud hanging over them. He eyed his father. He wished his parents would remember the boys were right there. He did not need their quick little minds picking up pieces of conversation that would scare them.“But we don’t need to talk about that right now.”

 

Dalton shook his head. “Susan, we still need to go by Reggie’s. He wants me to see his new place.”

 

Any other time, Jensen might have commented on not keeping them from something so important- but he just wanted them to go. Go, be gone, stay away. He was glad when Jared’s parents were finally out of the house. Then he looked to Caleb.

 

“What was that action with the toast?”

 

Caleb shrugged and looked down, to the side. “I put it in the basket.”

 

“Both pieces?”

 

Caleb nodded and risked looking to his Daddy. “I smooshed it in.”

 

Jensen laughed and Jared nudged his shoulder. Sobering, Jensen said, “Don’t do that again.”

 

“Okay, Daddy.”

 

Mac added, “But it was pretty cool.”

 

“Mac.” Jared sighed, but there was no oomph to his chiding. He knew the twins had good intentions even if they had misbehaved. The boys were prone to pranks but nothing harmful or malicious- usually. Those sheets, however, had been attacked. He had to hide a grin.“So Chris told me you guys brought home your progress reports? Let’s see em.”

 

As his boys dashed from the room, Jared smiled to Jensen, whispering, “It was…kinda…cool.”

 

“Yeah.” Jensen totally agreed.

 

TBC


	8. Chapter 8

Jared felt slightly elated and nervous both as he undressed for bed. He knew Jensen was putting the boys down one last time. The twins liked to ask for water at least once and then random questions that they conjured up between themselves by arguing back and forth. When a decision on some trivial thing could not be resolved by the boys , they would knock on their fathers’ bedroom door and yell past it what they wanted to know. Luckily when the inquiry about how the little paper flags got inside of the Hershey’s Kisses came along, Jared and Jensen were just sitting on the bed talking. Jared was saying he wanted to talk to the boys tomorrow night and Jensen was promising to be home on time from work. They did not want to wait until it was late and then send the boys right to bed afterwards. If there was some perfect way to tell his sons, Jared didn’t know it, but he felt it was best to give them time to ask questions and voice their concerns. Definitely hold them and reassure them that everything was going to be okay.

 

Their birthday was in two months and Jared was thinking of that when Jensen came back into their bedroom , pulling the door closed.

 

Pulling his shirt off, Jensen tossed it to the hamper and then unbuckled his belt saying, “I so told them little people put the flag thingies in the candy. I had no clue.”

Smiling, Jared got into bed wearing his sleep pants and a loose t-shirt with Bob Marley on the front. 

 

“Sounds reasonable to me. We can look it up tomorrow and then I’ll reveal your trickery.”

 

“Cold.”

 

Jensen changed into a pair of flannel pants and then joined Jared in bed, asking.

 

“Did you take anything to help you sleep?”

 

“Not tonight.”

 

Jared did not take his anti-anxiety prescription regularly. He didn’t even like the idea of it but Jeff insisted that otherwise he could strain his body with stress. He wanted to be as undiluted as possible when he was home with his family. He reached over and took Jensen’s hand, drawing him close.

 

“I thought I could stay up later tonight.”

 

“Jay-“

 

Jared kissed Jensen, taking away the soft protest. Jensen worried too much. As if he might shatter from making love to his husband. He might have been more sensitive to Jensen’s point of view if he was not so in need of him. He wanted to feel his husband’s hands all over him, share a sleepy knowing smile over the breakfast table. Know Jensen was thinking of him later and not just out of concern. Jared licked over Jensen’s tongue and lips, whimpering faintly as he nuzzled soft gold stubble.

 

“Please, Jen… please. Miss you inside of me.”

 

Jensen groaned deep in his chest, his heart slamming away in desire. He did not want Jared to exert himself. It was a fear in Jensen that he might be loving Jared and suddenly hurt him or have him show signs of exhaustion later, when he so needed his strength. He tensed when Jared’s hand slid between his thighs, wrapping surely around his shaft and stroking him, palm pressing just right. Biting his lower lip, Jensen made a defeated sound and rocked to Jared’s touch.

 

“My way.”

 

A smile lit Jared’s lips before he nipped under the curve of Jensen’s jaw.

 

“Yes.”

 

Sliding from the bed, Jensen walked across the room. He brought over a wrought iron candelabra and lit the six vanilla tapers that it held. He placed the candle stand to the heavy oak bedside table and turned off the lamp, casting the room in a warm shadowy glow. Unsmiling still, he unlocked and opened the drawer under the bed taking out two long black silk scarves. He heard Jared’s intake of breath and smiled a little then. He climbed onto the bed, straddling Jared’s prone body as he murmured, “You know what to do.”

 

Feeling electrified already, Jared reached up to the headboard, fingers lacing around the curlicue iron scroll-work there. Like a fruit heavy and full on the vine, he waited to be taken, opened and enjoyed. His wrists being bound over his head, made his arms draw up but not painfully. He was held in place, a true test for him since he was never good at being still. He traced his fingertips over the silk that bound him so snugly. His eyes were growing dark as Jensen undressed him, his socks and pants going to the floor. Jared was fully erect, his large shaft curving like a bow up and back to his belly. He spread his knees, showing himself to his husband.

Jensen did not move right away, standing at the foot of the bed and surveying what was his. He reached up and palmed Jared’s knees, spreading them further apart. He loved seeing Jared so open and waiting, knowing how hot and tight he was going to be. When Jared lifted his hips in soft demand, Jensen smiled and moved back. He undressed and then walked into their bathroom. He came back with two thick towels. While Jared gave him curious looks, Jensen whispered.

 

“Lift your hips.”

 

Jared obeyed, feeling the towels go under his him, wondering what his husband was up to. He wished he wasn’t tied. He would be using his hands on Jensen until those green eyes drowned in lust and he had to fuck. His thoughts showed on his face and Jensen only smiled knowingly. Warm oil cascaded over Jared’s groin and he sighed as he felt the thick sliding slickness coat him.

 

Jensen’s hand slid around Jared’s shaft, holding it upright as he drizzled more oil over the flushed tip, drowning the throbbing arousal. It was a beautiful sight, Jared gleaming and hard as stone. Jensen gripped and massaged his lover’s cock, watching the work of his hand. He started at the base of Jared’s shaft and corkscrewed his wrist, working upwards until he almost hid the thick head of Jared’s cock in his fist before squeezing tight and going back down swiftly with his fist. He drank in the sounds Jared made, those tiny wordless affirmations that it was good, that he wanted more. Jensen’s eyes were nearly black in the shadows while he attended to his husband, whispering.

 

“This was how I made myself cum in the shower. Thinking of you like this. Picturing how you would be so wet and open before I was inside of you.”

 

Panting, Jared flexed his cock in Jensen’s hand and felt like he was in sexual purgatory. It was that good but also that frustrating. Jensen’s rhythm would not make him cum for some time, just keep him on edge. Especially those near painful squeezes to the base of his shaft, forestalling any explosions. Jared licked over his lips and was not above begging.

 

“How long before you’re inside of me? I need you, Jen.”

 

“I need you too.”

 

Jensen’s free hand caressed Jared’s inner thighs and the taut flesh of his full balls. He loved that slick satin feel under his fingers and then he was circling Jared’s hole. He moved closer to watch, lying to his side over one of Jared’s legs. He wanted to have a clear view of his finger teasing that little pink opening. He blew over Jared’s hole and heard his husband swear. Jensen smiled at the coarse ‘fuck’ from Jared, feeling accomplished getting that from him. He slid his finger into Jared slow but steady. He had trouble breathing himself when he watched Jared’s body taking his finger. God. Jensen moved his finger deeper and felt that spot inside of Jared glancing to his touch. Jared shuddered all over and Jensen kissed Jared’s inner knee.

 

“I know baby, I know… relax for it… You aren’t getting anything til I say so… This is what you get. One finger inside your pretty ass, working you.”

 

Jared swallowed past the lump in his throat and moaned , “Ohhh. Jen. Please.”

 

Twirling his finger inside of Jared, he slowly withdrew it and then gave Jared two fingers. Jensen rumbled a noise at making himself wait this way, seeing the snapping ring of Jared’s sex-mouth sucking at his fingers. He licked under Jared’s knee, tongue sliding there as Jared bucked to his buried digits. Jensen groaned and bit down, drawing a whimper from Jared as he licked the sting away. Jensen lifted his head, meeting his husband’s pleading stare while finger-fucking him lazily. 

 

“You feel so hot inside, Jay. It’s my favorite place to be, inside of you. Knowing you’re taking me…”

 

“Holstering your gun?”

 

Jared whispered the words and smiled sexily when Jensen’s face flushed with want. He knew that would do it. Jensen moved upwards and took his fingers back. Jared had played his trump card talking dirty to Jensen. It was a fool-proof plan because Jensen liked to hear it. Loved it. Jensen was still so careful when he pushed the head of his cock into Jared, joining their bodies as if it was their first time all over again. He smiled down to Jared at the impatient ‘uh’ he heard, bending to kiss his mate’s lips.

 

“I’m here, aren’t I? You can feel me. Let me feel you…”

 

Jensen rocked slowly inside of Jared, giving him a few inches at a time until he was fully held within. Sighing in pleasure that came not only from the sensations but from having Jared with him, he opened his eyes to stare into Jared’s. Their faces were close together as Jensen held still, not thrusting. He felt every twitch and squeeze of Jared around his shaft, gripping him, wanting more. Jensen reached down and took Jared’s legs, lifting Jared’s knees to drape over his strong shoulders. The change of angle made Jared moan in enjoyment, squirming tight to the root of Jensen’s sex. 

 

“Jen… ah God… please… please… don’t make me wait any more.”

 

For all his begging, Jared was lovingly shushed and he frowned at that, feeling denied until Jensen starting just turning his hips. Making deep dragging circles of his thick cock inside of Jared. It was touching off nerves that Jared could barely keep track of, feeling his cock jerk in reaction, leaking to his belly. Jensen was taking in stilted breaths, concentrating on the clasping pressure of Jared wrapped around his rigid shaft. God, it was good and so punishing not to thrust. He saw the light sheen of sweat beading over his skin and Jared’s, pausing to lick over his husband’s shoulder and collarbone. Jared was shaking under him and lifting up, pressing to take everything he was given. 

 

Jensen reached down between them, holding Jared’s length in his hand. He started to powerfully jerk off his husband as Jared hissed loudly, crooning his delight. Jensen could feel how much Jared liked it in the way he was being milked by Jared’s ass. He waited until Jared was on the edge to start sawing back and forth over his prostate. When Jared was writhing in orgasm, Jensen panted wildly watching his gorgeous lover falling apart for him. Jensen drew out of Jared almost entirely before sliding deep again, keeping the pace even when Jared was sobbing from sensitivity, finding that heated burst for himself. He came inside of Jared with a low groan, his arms falling to the mattress to brace himself as he lost it. 

 

Watching Jensen’s face as he orgasmed, Jared felt awash with completeness. He had needed Jensen this way. He needed them. Their bond had to be more than just words or an understanding. Sometimes he needed Jensen connected to him, entirely his own. Jensen untied his hands and Jared reached immediately to cup the face so beloved to him. He skimmed his fingertips across the sharpness of Jensen’s cheekbones, into the hollows before his ears. 

 

“I love you.”

 

“I love you too.” Jensen rasped and even in the dim light, Jared saw his green eyes were a little too gleaming. Wet. Jensen gently removed himself from Jared, not wanting to hurt him.

 

“Stay, close, I mean.”

 

“I’m not going anywhere, baby.”

 

Jared pulled Jensen to his side, holding him as he felt the way Jensen was breathing so slow and shallow. It was crying without tears. Jared, for Jensen’s sake, pretended not to notice.

 

“So what do you want for dinner tomorrow night?” Jared whispered, like it was any night, and they were just any married couple trying to plan ahead.

 

“Jay, let Missouri see to it. She wants to help.”

 

“And she can…when I’m not here. When I am here, I’ll be cooking for my own kids and husband.”

 

Jensen frowned but was not willing to argue over it. He angled himself to lie to Jared’s side more, resting his head to the pillow. 

 

“I guess you should eat and feed the kids before I get in. I don’t think I’ll have much appetite. I can’t eat and then… talk about it with the boys.”

 

It. Jared did not have to ask what Jensen meant by ‘it’. He closed his eyes, feeling Jensen lean over him to blow out the nearby candles. He murmured, “I’ll make hobo dinners. The boys love those.”

 

“Hobo dinners? Maybe make me one for later?”

 

Jared smiled, secretively triumphant. Seemed Jensen might be eating after all, if only not right away.

 

“I will…and Jensen?”

 

“Hm?”

 

“It just happened again.”

 

Jensen laughed softly and kissed Jared’s smiling lips in the dark, his voice gravelly when he whispered. 

 

“I love you too…so damned much.”

 

 

***

Understandably, the next day at work- Jensen was a bear. He was short tempered when he had to go out on a domestic violence call. Not over responding to a call, but this house in particular he had been to several times. The man beat his wife and the wife always lied about it. Covered for her husband and swore she had fallen or was just upset. ‘Just upset’ was Connie Prince’s way of explaining her swollen face and harsh breathing. Jensen knew a few kicks and punches to her throat, back and stomach were the true cause of her distress- but if she never pressed charges, there was little he could do if he did not see the attack. Her husband Tyler would stand right behind Connie and sometimes, he would smirk at Jensen or whichever officer was before him, knowing he was going to be able to carry on, same as always. A tic fluttered in Jensen’s jaw as he saw the scattering of toys in the floor just past Connie’s legs, thinking of their five kids living like this. He saw the toddler waddling over to the messy kitchen table, diaper drooping as the small boy held his sippee cup before him.

 

Jensen wondered if he needed to take some vacation time- because right now? He wanted to shoot both parents and call it a day. That was not exactly legal and he had to stand there with Chris while he listened to Connie spinning out her story, same as always, Tyler eyeing them like it was a social call.

 

“You need to go telling them all to mind their own business is what you need to do. I can’t hardly think without one of my nosey neighbors getting on their phone and sending y’all over here to harass us. I have a family, you know, sheriff. I got things to do.”

 

Standing with a death grip on the outer screen door like the officers might just come into her home, Connie Prince was doing her best to appease Tyler. She put on a show, like she always did, knowing the rest of the night, if she was lucky, Tyler would just drink and complain about the police. Her stringy blonde hair was clinging to her face and neck, blue eye-shadow clumped around wide brown eyes that might have been pretty once before becoming bloodshot and sinking into her face. The blackened state of her teeth suggested she was into methamphetamines. Jensen took it all in, weathering her harangue about the sheriff’s office on her property more than her own mama was and how Tyler was a hard-working man, a good man. Hearing Chris cough to the side, Jensen caught the ‘bullshit’ cough and still kept his eyes forward. When Connie took a breath, he cut in.

 

“As much as we love coming out here, you need to understand- even if the neighbors were wrong about what was going on in your home, you can still be ticketed for disturbing the peace. Noise violations. I’m not so sure you want to go that route.”

 

Jensen met Tyler’s eyes and the man’s grin crumpled around the edges when he was being stared at so flatly. Jensen sounded downright mean as he went on.

 

“There’s such a thing as abusing the tax-payers’ time and money via their law enforcement and you would do well to remember that.”

 

Tyler was mean as a snake and only half as bright on a good day. He grinned to Jensen, smile so busted up he looked like a Jack-o-lantern out of season.

 

“Hey, I sure don’t want to trouble you fine officers, sheriff. I heard you got your own problems. Your own wife’s doin poorly, they say.”

 

Chris wanted to reach over and take Jensen’s gun just to be on the safe side, but Jensen was just looking at Tyler, eyes green and glacial.

 

“You’ll understand if I don’t discuss my private life with you, Tyler. We aren’t friends. In fact, if I have to come back out here anytime soon- I will haul your ass into a cell so fast you’ll wish you hadn’t opened your mouth to me. You don’t want to be in my jail. You don’t get much, but you better get that.”

 

Tyler snapped his mouth shut and then the door soon followed, Connie screeching at how she almost lost a toe. Jensen practically bored holes in the door with his eyes until Chris took his arm for a moment.

 

“Jenny?”

 

“Yeah, we’re done here.”

 

They walked back to their truck, Jensen getting behind the wheel. He rested his hands to the wheel and then started up the black beast of a truck.

 

“Jen?”

 

“What?”

 

Chris’ mouth twitched nervously as he considered how to broach the topic with his boss and best friend.

 

“You can’t lose it over trash like Tyler Prince.”

 

“I never have.”

 

“I know, man, but back there… you looked close to it.”

 

“Chris, I love and respect you.”

 

“Uh huh- ‘but’?”

 

“Shut up.”

 

“Son, I left the factory without that shut-up gene you’re trying to make use of.”

 

Chris rolled down his window to have a smoke, offering Jensen one and seeing how Jensen stared longingly for a moment before declining. Chris took up where he had left off once his smoke was lit.

 

“All I’m saying is, people like that love to goad-“

 

“It’s not my first day being me, Chris. Tyler Prince is not the first good ole boy to talk shit to me.”

 

Jensen briefly shook his head. “I know what to not listen to. He wanted to try it on.”

 

“Yeah and there was Lisa this morning.”

 

Lisa was the daytime dispatcher at the sheriff’s office. She was mostly harmless, routing calls, taking down messages and popping cans of Coke all day. Her hair was Texas big and the fried pink-red clouds were held down by plastic clips that always matched her earrings and shoes. Jensen usually paid her no mind aside from being civil. He thought she was vapid, but that didn’t mean she couldn’t answer phones and work the radio. She seldom ventured past the realm of randomly annoying, but that morning she had stopped Jensen to say, “Honey, I heard about your husband having the cancer. God sure does work in mysterious ways. My grandma died of cancer.”

 

Jensen had just gazed at her and had then asked. “Your grandmother died of cancer?” As she nodded, he had smiled tightly, saying. “So you’ve heard of it then.”

 

Chris had grabbed him and started guiding him to his office like he wasn’t a grown man as Lisa tried to make it better, hands waving apologetically.

 

“Oh I didn’t mean nothing by it, Sheriff!”

 

“Then why talk if you don’t mean anything? Why talk about something that means everything to me when it doesn’t matter at all to you?”

 

That had been before coffee, of course. Jensen had bridled when Chris told him Lisa was on the verge of tears all morning. Jensen did his best just to avoid her, which was as close as he was getting to an apology. He did not need to hear that anyone was writing Jared off like that. As if he was already gone and the rest was just some waiting game. What the hell was that? How could anyone think that was acceptable conversation? 

 

Jensen was almost glad when he got back to the station and Lisa was gone for the day, replaced by Butch Bradshaw. Butch was not one for heart-to-hearts. He was sixty-five, liked to mind his own business and not deal with anyone else’s. He talked two things- football and making his own beer. That was it. Anything else, he ignored by putting on his glasses and reading his newspaper in an obvious manner. He did his job well, and that was why Jensen never tried to make small talk with him aside from ‘hello’ which they agreed upon silently as being good enough.

 

Jensen closed himself off in his office to do all the paperwork, transferring the time cards over to the computer program for payroll and double checking it to be sure. He never shorted anyone, if anything he went in the other direction, rounding off the time upwards and knowing his people deserved it. He was a conscientious boss and never came up off on the payroll. The checks were prompt and correct. He made sure of it. People needed their money to get by. Rent to pay, kids to feed. He took it very seriously. He was gnawing the end of his pen, holding it with just his teeth as he scrutinized the order sheets for general necessities in the department as well as specialty items for specific officers. He needed to talk to the rookie deputy Coby about his habit of misplacing things required by the state. It was getting tiresome handing him new gear. Coby Deveraux had lost a total of two pairs of handcuffs, one radio- never recovered- and his night stick. Jensen saw the latest was his damned hat and wanted to go kick the kid’s ass. It was ridiculous. He knew Coby was nervous as hell but something had to give. He made a note to talk to Coby again and heard his office door creaking open. Jensen glanced up, frown in place and saw the last person he was expecting to see.

 

Jeff Morgan, in the flesh. Jensen peered at him a moment and removed his pen from his mouth, taking in the work jeans, t-shirt dotted with holes from welding and Jeff’s dark sun-browned skin. 

 

“Hey, bad time?”

 

Jeff’s voice rolled out deep and sweet, like a good single malt.

 

“Yelling at someone in my head.” Jensen freely admitted, pushing back from his desk a bit. “How’re things at the body shop?”

 

“Good, good. It’s all going well. People got to get around and we’ve got a steady reputation. Started doing stock cars too. It’s a blast. You should come down, have a look around.”

 

Jeff picked up a chair and put it closer to Jensen’s desk, sinking into it and looking over the sheriff with his eyes not smiling like his mouth was.

 

“How are you doing, Jensen?”

 

“People got to get arrested.” 

 

Jensen smiled a little, but he knew what Jeff was asking. What he must have heard about. Small towns had secrets, from outsiders. He shrugged as Jeff just looked at him so steadily, all calm and knowing. Jensen reached up and rubbed over the back of his neck, muttering.

 

“Did Chris call you?”

 

“No.” Jeff huffed a laugh. “That sidewinder likes to think he’s all the friends you need, you know. I don’t think he’s over me getting to be in your wedding too. Sore spot. Taking it to his grave.”

 

“Well, he thinks he’s keeping me safe-“

 

“Safe from me?”

 

Green eyes met green and Jensen was the first to look away, feeling a little shy under Jeff’s stare.

 

“I… I don’t know. I guess. Jeff, let’s not go there.”

 

“I was just curious. Can’t blame a body for wondering.”

 

Jensen shook his head. “Want some coffee?”

 

“Sure.”

 

Jeff watched Jensen walk over to the coffeemaker and pour them both a cup, making Jeff’s perfect. One sugar, two creams. Jeff accepted his mug with a nod of thanks, taking a sip of it hesitantly and drawling.

 

“This stuff stir itself when you handed it a spoon?”

 

“I like it strong.”

 

“I remember.”

 

Downing a gulp of his coffee, Jensen tried to ignore the intimate timbre of Jeff’s voice. Jeff could not help it. That was just how he sounded, after all. Jensen waited until Jeff had another drink before asking the big question.

 

“What brings you out here? Anything you need the sheriff’s office for?”

 

“Not as such, no. It’s not an official drop in. I came by to see my friend. I wanted to know how you’re doing. I heard Jared’s not doing too good.”

 

Jeff’s darker green eyes were compassionate. He hated seeing Jensen suffer or hurt and he could tell the younger man was in a world of pain. It was there right under the surface, clawing its way upwards with steely resolve. That kind of sadness would find a way out, one way or another.

 

“You can talk to me, Jensen. I know you. I know you better than most. I can see you making the motions and getting by… but you need to talk to someone.”

 

“Someone?” 

 

Jensen clenched his jaw.

 

“That’s great, Jeff. You point out the person that can heal Jared and I’ll go talk to’em. Or the bastard that can take Jared’s place. Or maybe whoever I can blame for this happening to my husband. I have plenty to say… as soon as you show me where to go.”

 

“So if it’s not any of those imaginary people, it’s not worth your time?”

 

Jeff asked so casually that Jensen paused before replying.

“I don’t need anyone else telling me a good grief counselor to see, like I’m in mourning. I don’t want my kids spoon-fed that bullshit either. Good intentions don’t go very far with me right now.”

 

“I can see that.” 

 

Jeff assured him, crossing an ankle over his knee and watching Jensen intently.

 

“There’s nothing wrong with admitting you’re scared, honey. No one can tell you the best way to get through this but I can guarantee you it’s not by beating yourself up.”

 

“I’m not. I’m fine. I’m working. The kids have their Aunt Missouri and sometimes Chris is-“

 

“I know all that. It’s all over town how you two are making do, but…Jensen- for fuck’s sake. Stop it. Stop it for a goddamned minute and look me in the eyes. I know you’re not okay.”

 

Jensen opened his mouth to refute that, finally whispering. “Jared is the one that’s sick.”

 

Jeff stood and walked to face Jensen, his hands going to the younger man’s shoulders and holding there gently.

 

“And you’re the one that might have to live without him.”

 

Jensen took the words like a slap, eyes widening in pain as he looked at Jeff, slowly shaking his head.

 

“Don’t- Jeff- don’t- please…”

 

Jeff held on when Jensen started to draw away, saying softly.

 

“He is sick, but you both are facing cancer, Jensen. Something you’ve never dealt with before. You’re scared to death. It’s okay to be scared, as long as you don’t let the fear win.”

 

He felt dizzy and weak, like Jeff was peeling away walls that were steel and now had the consistency of rice paper. Jensen bowed his head, feeling it when his face started betraying him. His damned chin was trembling and his eyes burned before they flooded. Jeff felt so warm, and it made Jensen realize how cold he was. It had nothing to do with the temperature of the day, he felt chilled inside like a block of ice had formed where his heart was and radiated an aching blue over his veins, throughout his entire frame. 

 

Jeff hugged him and Jensen shook in his arms, trying so badly not to come apart. Jeff’s wide, calloused hand was rubbing up and down Jensen’s back, holding him. Jensen knew he could burrow close to Jeff if he wanted. Jeff would give him whatever comfort he needed. Jeff would never turn him away even if he should, for both their sakes. There were some lines you did not cross with an ex-lover. You kept those lines in place for the good of everyone involved. 

 

“I love you, Jensen. I care about you. It’s why I’m here. Stop talking yourself out of being human.”

 

“So I can do dumb shit and say I was only being human?”

 

Jensen wiped the back of his hand over his eyes, taking the tears away, smiling painfully to Jeff.

 

“That’s not me, Jeff.”

 

“I know.”

 

Jeff smiled in understanding and kissed Jensen’s forehead, letting him step back, just enough that it was evident they were not going any further. Jensen was always the one to put those fences up. Jeff never stopped wanting him. He had not managed it yet. He had been Jensen’s first. A fact not well known by many, but Jeff remembered. He had met the young man and fallen hard when Jensen was just seventeen, and then he had wanted more. Always more. But Jensen was going to the police academy and despite Jeff’s warnings, becoming a deputy. Jeff had worried for Jensen. Being an openly gay officer? Jeff had been deeply concerned for Jensen’s safety and happiness. Jensen had proven him wrong, making it work for him. Hell, he took over the station.

 

Jeff regretted ever letting Jensen out of his sight when he first heard around town that Jensen had taken up with the prodigal son, Jared Padalecki. At least Jared was nothing like his old man, Dalton. Jeff could not have abided that. No, Jared was a sweet kid. All innocent and sweet as a new day, following Jensen around like an overgrown puppy. A puppy that managed to get Jensen’s heart, when Jeff had always had his friendship and body. Jared was the one Jensen married. He went home to Jared, in a house they shared to children they loved. It sometimes blew Jeff’s mind how Jensen could change the entire world around him to work his way. Except now, with Jared being sick. Jensen could not just wrest that monster into obeying his will. Jeff knew that Jensen had an eruption inside of him waiting to come out, it was boiling in his eyes.

 

Jensen had himself under control again when he spoke again, voice pitched low to hide any breaks.

 

“We’re telling the boys tonight.”

 

“Aw, Jen… I’m so sorry.”

 

“Yeah, it’s hard to answer questions when you don’t know yourself. But Jared’s right. They’re smart. They listen to everything. They’ll hear the wrong things and then it’ll be on us because we didn’t tell them ourselves. I don’t want that. Maggie’s too little to know anything’s going on aside from Jay being gone- but the boys. They’re-“ 

 

He had to pause a moment and lifted his fingers to his lips to stop his mouth from trembling.

 

“They’re sharp, Jeff. Not much gets past them. They love having Missouri around and Jared’s aunt and cousin are coming and going more. They know something’s up.”

 

“You’ll do okay. You will. You’re a great dad. The news you’re giving them isn’t your fault. You know that right? It’s horrible and it’s sad, but you didn’t do it. It just happened.”

 

“Yeah, it just happened.”

 

 

Jensen closed his eyes, his heart was numb where it didn’t hurt too much to consider.

 

Jeff left shortly after that with promises to check in later, and Jensen did not dissuade his friend. He knew trying to talk Jeff out of checking on him might make it happen more and sooner. So he let it go. He watched the clock for most of the day, between bitching out Coby and talking weekend traffic forecasts with the motorcycle officers, Jensen was conscious of the ticking clock. When seven o’clock rolled around, he was pulling on his jacket and leaving the place under Chris’ call. 

 

He left the sheriff’s office and drove home, almost wishing he had a glass of Jim Beam for the road. Just something to make this seem doable, like he could handle it. He had to handle it. His boys needed him. He drove on autopilot, not really even aware of the scenery passing him by. He was tense before he even pulled into the driveway. He noticed only Jared’s car was in the drive and that was new. It had been awhile since it was just them in their house. Jensen walked up the stone path to the house, stooping mid-stride to pick up Mac’s biking helmet and a dinosaur action figure. When he entered the house, he could smell the baked dinners Jared had made and then he heard his husband gasping for air. Jensen threw down the things he was carrying and raced into the living room. He came to a hard stop when he realized Jared was laughing, play-wrestling with the boys as Maggie looked on from her bouncing swing. Jensen’s heart was beating overtime and he had to take a shaky breath before summoning a smile.

 

“Honey, I’m home.”

 

Jared grinned and pushed up from the floor, “Alright, we were finishing up. Crusher and The Tough Guy were defending their title.”

 

Caleb brushed his hair back from his laughing eyes. “You want some of this, Daddy? We’ve been working out.”

 

“I know how to pick my battles.” Jensen teased, unbuttoning his work shirt. He jerked his head towards the stairs. “I’m going to go change.”

 

“Alright.” Jared drawled, taking Maggie from her swing. “I’m giving Maggie her bath and then she’s off to bed…”

 

They were both talking about the Talk without saying it directly. Jensen nodded tightly and went upstairs. He wished he had a smoke now. Should have taken Chris up on it, he thought. He had quit smoking when Sophia became pregnant with the twins. The day she said it was official, she was pregnant- Jensen quit smoking. He had been grumpy at first, but seeing how happy it made Jared helped ease him past the cravings. Then of course they had the boys. Newborn twins. Sophia had pumped her breast milk for the first six months, the babies’ diets supplemented with formula and then they graduated fully to formula. Maggie had the same. It was important to the fathers that their children had the best nutrition and Sophia agreed. It was not everyone’s ideal family, but it worked for the Murrays and Ackles. They had made their own way. 

 

Jensen never regretted it for a moment. He had been hesitant at first over children- but Jared’s wants had won out. There was no question in Jensen’s mind once he held his infant sons, one to each arm before he had to share with Jared. He was thinking of how tiny the twins had been as he dressed in a one of Jared’s t-shirts and some jeans. He was considering how small his sons’ tiny fingers had curled around his own with all the trust in the world, remembering how he promised their wise-eyes he was always going to keep them safe. Always be there. Kissing Jared as they both smiled like lunatics over their babies- because it was forever. Nothing could take his family away.

 

He never wanted to stand in their bedroom, the room where he made love to his husband, and think about when Jared was still with him. He never wanted to wake up and reach over to find cold sheets where his love should be. How could he explain to anyone, especially his boys, how any of this was okay or fine? He spent his waking and dreaming moments going between fury and fear. It was like fighting the wind. Unseen, swift and outside of his grasp- a sickness moved inside of Jared. 

 

 

Jensen had to close his eyes and take slow breaths. He was not going to fail. Jared needed him. The boys needed him. He had to be able to make it through this talk and do it well. He gave himself a minute and then he was walking downstairs. He helped the boys clean their toys up and stow them away in the giant wooden toy chest before he saw Jared coming down the stairs.

 

Going to the sofa, Jared sat down and said quietly.

“Boys, come have a seat. We need to have a family meeting.”

 

“No Maggie?” Caleb asked.

 

“Maggie doesn’t speak English.” Mac told his brother in near exasperation.

 

“Maggie is still learning to talk.”

 

Jensen corrected and nudged the twins. He sat at the opposite end of the couch from his husband, and Mac sat next to him and Jared, Caleb to Jared’s other side. Jensen let his arm drop around Mac and his son leaned to him naturally, big green eyes to Jared.

 

Jared opened his mouth, looking at the twins and faltered, eyes going stormy.

 

Jensen smoothly covered for Jared.

 

“You both know your Papa has been going to the hospital. He has to go back soon. He will be staying again for a few days to get his new medicine.”

 

Caleb frowned up to Jared and rested half over his Papa’s chest, eyes fixed.

 

“Papa? Why? You already had a bunch of medicine. You were there forever.”

 

“What’s wrong with you?” Mac whispered, somber as a judge.

 

“I know it seems like forever.” Jared murmured gently. “I sure don’t like being away from you guys. As soon as I can I am back home, wanting to see you right away. Your phone calls make me so happy when I can’t be right here at home with you. The thing is, there’s a problem with my blood. It’s just not working quite right. There are some problems but the medicine is going to fix it. I have to take a lot of the medicine because it has to go all through me, not just one place or two- but everywhere.”

 

“Why is your blood not working?” Caleb asked, face pinched in worry. He sat up, not wanting to miss his Papa’s answer. “Is it because we wore you out?”

 

“What?” Jared asked, genuinely surprised.

 

“Everyone always says…” Caleb whispered, “…that me and Mac would have to wear you out. You and Daddy. Did we? Did we make you sick?”

 

 

“Oh no, Caleb. No.” Jared pulled Caleb over his lap and hugged him tight, seeing Mac scrambling onto Jensen’s lap for the same. 

 

Jared blinked back tears and shook his head. “It’s no one’s fault. It’s just like when you get a cold or bang your knee. These things just happen sometimes and then we have to see the doctors like Uncle Jeff. I just need some extra time and help is all.”

 

Jensen’s palm made circles to Mac’s back as he said low. “We are all used to seeing each other every day and having things a certain way…but we have to make some changes. For each other, for Papa. We are all together in this. Even if Papa sleeps at the hospital, he’s here with us. He is right here with us and we are thinking of him, loving him the whole time. That never changes. Hearts don’t know walls, they just know who they love… and our hearts are with Papa’s always. We are going to make sure he knows where he is, where we keep him safe, our hearts are big enough to carry his inside.”

 

Tears escaped down Mac’s face as he heard how tightly controlled his Daddy’s voice was. It was the same voice he had heard his Daddy use when they went to a retired policeman’s funeral and Daddy spoke about Officer Gray and his life. His contributions to the force. Mac never forgot how proud he was of his Daddy standing at the front of the room and talking to Mrs. Gray, the widow, about the great man her husband was. It was that voice. Mac turned fully to Jensen and hugged him tight, feeling his Daddy needed it. Jensen held his son, and stroked over Mac’s hair, meeting Jared’s eyes.

 

Jared made himself go on. If he stopped now he wasn’t sure he could make himself start again.

 

“When I take the medicine, it’s going to change me. I’ll get tired more and need more naps. I won’t be able to play as much as I’d like for a little while. It’s like my body will need big naps to get better and rested. The medicine that kills all the bad stuff is going to make me look strange too. Not forever, but it’s part of it. My hair is going to come out, so I’m going to cut it. Really short. It’ll be easier to take care of.”

 

Jared managed to say it like it didn’t matter, keeping his tone so casual that you would miss his worry if you could not see his eyes shining.

 

“I will be pale, but I can’t have too much sun. The medicine is going to make my skin more sensitive, so I’ll have to be careful about going outside. I might not eat a lot but don’t worry. I am going to do my best. It’s just a lot of little changes that lead up to us all having to get used to some new things. I have leukemia, it’s also called cancer. It –“

 

“Cancer?” Mac said with his eyes going large. “You can’t have cancer. You don’t smoke. You never smoke.”

 

“There are other ways, Mac-“ Jensen tried to soothe his boy, but Mac was shaking.

 

“No, Daddy. No. No. Papa can’t have cancer. They told us at school. Smokers die from cancer. Cancer kills people. It’s a black monster inside you. I saw the movie.” Mac spoke of the anti-smoking film his class had been shown, his face pale as milk. “It’s not that, Papa. They said it wrong. They’re wrong.”

 

Jared knew the word ‘cancer’ was going to reach his sons’ ears eventually and he did not want them hearing it elsewhere, but it still did not mean that they had to take it well from him. He felt Caleb crying before both boys were in tears completely. Jared felt helpless. All his plans to make them feel secure and confident were not coming to fruition. He was at a loss. He was surprised when Jensen was speaking over the crying, getting the boys’ attention at least.

 

“Hey. Hey. We aren’t losing Papa. We are getting him help and no one is going away or dying. We are all in this together. We’re family. Boys. Caleb. Cormac. Look at me. Right. Look at me. You know what Papa is doing seems scary but there are a lot of things that seem scary or strange and good things happen. Like when Maggie was born and you were both scared of how she would get here. What she’d be like. If Sophia was going to hurt having your little sister. Those are worries you had but you were brave and you believed in how strong our family is… and now we have Maggie. You were a little scared to ride the rollercoaster last summer but you did it. You had a blast. Sometimes, we have to just be brave for a minute at a time. We get through whole days by holding onto the bravery we can reach. You two are so strong and healthy, and you believing in your Papa is going to go a long way. We can all do so much more when someone believes in us, right?”

 

When the boys nodded, Jensen leaned over and kissed Caleb’s cheeks and eyes before doing the same to Mac.

 

“There’s nothing wrong with worrying or being afraid… but we never…ever… give up. Not on family. Not on Papa.”

 

The twins took comfort from that and were both hugging Jared, taking his lap as he was pulled into Jensen’s arms. They stayed that way for a long while.


	9. Chapter 9

He had said he was fine with it. That it was part of getting better and he knew that. He did understand the need to be positive, for his husband, for his children- but sometimes when he was alone, he felt vastly alone. Like right now. Jared had a moment to himself, and he was thinking about the boys’ birthday coming up soon. He and Jensen had planned on taking them to Disney World but he knew it was a murky plan at best now. He would not be able to walk the park as he was and Jensen would never go without him. The twins would not want to go either. Jared wondered, not for the first time, if it might be his last chance to go somewhere for a vacation. How would you ever know if it was your last chance? He closed his eyes and damned his thoughts. It didn’t help to imagine the what-ifs that kept eagerly coming to mind. His door opened and he looked over, seeing a young man walk into the room.

 

A very attractive young man, actually, wearing green hospital scrubs. He had longish brown hair and big blue eyes, a quick smile that he was giving Jared at the moment. The stranger came to the side of Jared’s bed and held out a hand.

 

“Hi. I’m Drew. Drew Fuller. Your R.N. I heard you were re-admitted just last night?”

 

Jared nodded, taking the nurse’s hand and smiling more genuinely.

 

“Yeah, I got in around seven. Second round of chemo. My name’s Jared.”

 

Something about Jared and how easily he smiled made Drew feel a little bold. Even flirtatious. After all, if he was wrong and Jared was straight, he could take a hint. But if he was right and Jared was gay, work just got much more interesting.

 

“Well, Jared, you happen to be the most gorgeous patient on this floor. Possibly the wing and entire hospital. How’d I get so lucky? I don’t even mind not having a working snack machine up here now.”

 

Drew smiled and sat in the chair beside Jared’s bed, seeing how sweetly the other man blushed. He glanced over Jared and then asked, “Are you already spoken for?”

 

Jared held up his left hand and showed the wedding band he wore, seeing Drew’s mock rueful grin.

 

“Very married. You’re new to Gatlin. I know everyone in town.”

 

“I get that a lot. Everyone here knows everyone.”

 

Drew shook his head.

 

“It’s not like that where I come from. California boy. I am still getting used to being talked over or outright hushed by the older ladies. Smacked around by the guys. Lots of back slaps around here.”

 

That made Jared chuckle and nod. “They’re being friendly.”

 

“What is ‘unfriendly’ like?”

 

“It involves guns.”

 

“I see.” Drew smiled and opened Jared’s chart, looking it over as he went on talking. “So you’re Dr. Jeff’s brother? I finally know someone that knows someone. I’m making leaps and bounds.”

 

“Jeff’s brother, married to the sheriff and working for my sister-in-law that owns the daycare.”

 

Jared felt himself relaxing and knew it was because Drew was so friendly. Talking to him like they were just hanging out really. Not giving him that pitying look he was getting from all sides these days. Sometimes he just wanted to be talked to without worrying he was making someone else feel bad by being sick. Drew did not seem fazed or put off. It was a nice change for Jared. Drew was a welcome surprise. Jared liked most of the nurses, but Drew was the first male nurse he had had himself.

 

Drew looked up and smiled as his eyes met Jared’s. Married. Wasn’t that just his luck. Jared was gorgeous. Sweet too, Drew could tell. Probably scared half to death. His eyes swept over Jared’s hair and face before he inquired gently, “How’re you feeling today?”

 

“Little sick to my stomach, but I’ve been like that pretty regularly.”

 

“Did you eat much for lunch?”

 

“No… especially not the milkshake. God, that stuff tastes awful.”

 

“The Ensure.” Drew nodded a little, knowing the fortifying milkshakes were not popular with any of the patients. Dietary supplemental drinks tended to taste a bit chalky no matter what you mixed with them. “It’s not as bad in an orange-juice shake, with some vanilla ice cream. I’ll make you one later tonight. Make a believer out of you.”

 

“We’ll see.”

 

Jared didn’t want to be rude but he did not hold out much hope for being able to drink the Ensure. He hated the taste of it. The texture was even worse. He ate more when he was home, but only because the boys were watching him so closely. It worried them if he left too much on his plate so he tried to down as much as he could. The thing was, with the chemo, everything tasted so bad to him. He had a metallic taste in his mouth most of the time, and had been told to expect mouth sores too. Something to look forward to. He was quiet for a long time before he asked, “I don’t suppose you could have someone come down to cut my hair? I want to cut it before I have to see it… you know… just coming out. I meant to do it before I came back in, but… I have three kids I wanted to see more. Then, I didn’t want to do it at the last minute and spook them.”

 

“I understand.”

 

The young nurse wanted to comfort Jared and reached over, resting a hand over his. He smiled reassuringly to Jared.

 

“I know one of the nurses has a sister that works at a salon. We’ll have her come in and fix you up. How short do you want it?”

 

“Short as possible.”

 

Jared said the words tightly and saw the flash of sympathy in Drew’s eyes.

 

“I just want to get it over with. Even if …you know, it seems drastic? I don’t like waiting on things to happen if I can just meet it right up front.”

 

“I’ll have Peggy call her sister.”

 

“You think she could have it done before six thirty?”

 

“You got a hot date?”

 

Jared half-smiled and shrugged. “I don’t want Jensen- my husband- to have to see it being done.”

 

“Ah.”

 

Drew nodded and stood.

 

“Let me get on the horn and get some things moving. We’ll do our best.”

 

“Thank you, Drew.”

 

“I’m here to help you however I can, Jared. It’s my pleasure.”

 

Drew winked to Jared and then walked out of the room, leaving Jared alone with the thoughts that had so patiently waited on Jared to come back to them.

 

___________________________________________________________________

 

Nothing slowed down. If you were ready for the avalanche, great, but if not, it came all the same. Jensen welcomed the chaos of his job. It was different every day and kept him busy. He wasn’t too busy to think, to worry- but he was doing something. He called the hospital, the nurse’s station of the oncology wing, hourly and they were used to him now. It was a given. They had the person that meant most to him in this world in their care, they had to accept he was checking in. Jared was doing fine, he was told patiently. Had his lunch after Jensen left, ate some of it, now he was resting. Jensen hung up the phone in his office and was considering going on rounds when Lisa called back to him that he had ‘company’. Jensen frowned and pushed up from his chair, but before he was out of his office, Dalton and Susan were coming in the door- for the first time ever.

 

They had never come down to the station before. He eyed them with apprehension, even as he nodded tightly at their arrival. Jensen closed the door once his in-laws had a seat, turning to look at them, not bothering to hide his nonplussed expression.

 

“What brings you down?”

 

“Well hello to you too, Jensen.”

 

Susan smiled with brittle precision and rested her hands to her lap. She had her legs crossed at her ankles, shoes perfectly polished. Her pants suit was cream colored and Jensen sincerely hoped the chair she sat in had at least one grease stain with her name on it.

 

Dalton cleared his throat and spoke gruffly.

 

“We wanted to talk to you alone. Where there wouldn’t be anyone else but us and you.”

 

“I know what ‘alone’ means.” Jensen’s soft words made Dalton flush with anger right away. “It’s just not our usual, is it? What can I do for you?”

 

“It’s not for us.”

 

Susan deflected, raising her plucked brows to Jensen as she thought for the hundredth time how good looking he would be if he was nicer. How did Jared tolerate the attitude? Then again, Jared was a bad judge of character. Look at the people he surrounded himself with. She opened her purse and reached inside, taking out two pamphlets.

 

“We wanted to talk to you about Jared’s care. From what we’ve seen, he is not receiving the best possible treatment here in Gatlin. We, his father and I, started looking into facilities that might specialize and better suit Jared’s needs. He-“

 

“Hold on.” Jensen held up both hands to stall her for a moment. “This is the same Jared that is twenty-seven years old and married to me, right? The adult, with children of his own and a working brain. He doesn’t need his parents making decisions about his needs.”

 

“But YOU can, is that right?” Dalton barked, glaring at the younger man. “All you ever do is lord over him and those kids of yours. He don’t know which way is up. Now with the drugs messing with his mind, he needs us more than ever but you sure don’t want that, do you?”

 

“Dalton? You got something real to say or you just here to spread bullshit around? I ain’t made of time.”

 

The words were clipped, but Jensen’s drawl came out more when he was angry, and it was definitely coating his words now. He wanted to throw them out, but they were still Jared’s parents. He had to make an effort here.

 

Dalton stood and saw Jensen eyeing him like he might get dangerous. Or maybe he was just paranoid, but there was a flatness to his son-in-law’s eyes that put him on edge.

 

“The place is in California. It’s one of the best places in the United States for cancer treatment. Hell, I’d pay for it- if that’s the problem. You want what’s best for Jared- you might start considering his welfare past what’s convenient for you- Jensen.”

 

“California.”

 

Susan nodded at Jensen when he seemed to be at least thinking about their suggestion. “It’s a really beautiful and capable facility, Jensen.”

 

“Tell me something.”

 

Jensen paused and frowned, rubbing over his forehead as a sharp pain hit from behind his eyes. So exhausted but this was a new level of unpleasantness and he couldn’t pull back now.

 

“Do you two NEVER get tired of sending your son away?”

 

“JUST A GODDAMNED MINUTE!” Dalton bellowed, florid face turning even redder. “We’re doing this FOR our boy-“

 

“You aren’t doing shit.” Jensen hissed, eyes narrow and baleful. “He’s not a boy. He’s not going to California and we don’t need a penny of your money, now or ever.”

 

To Jensen’s surprise, Dalton smiled at him. Smiled like he had just won an argument or woke up king of Texas. The older man turned that same smile on his wife and Jensen saw Susan shake her head to Dalton in some last ditch effort to stop whatever was coming.

 

“What’d I tell you, Susan? What did I say the same night Jeff told us about Jared being sick? I said it. I knew it. You can’t fool me. That’s the thing.”

 

Dalton looked back to Jensen and spread his hands.

 

“Son, let’s skip over the lying. I’ve had enough of it. I know what’s going on here. Why you don’t want Jared going to a specialist. Especially not one that might not keep your secrets for you. You think I believe for a second my boy has cancer? After the life he’s led? I know what’s wrong with him. I know exactly what he’s hiding from us. What you did to him.”

 

“What…the hell…are you talking about?” Jensen queried, utterly confused.

 

“AIDS.” Dalton said bitterly. “I’m talking about AIDS. My son isn’t dying from no leukemia. I know better. I know what kills fa-… gays.“

 

Jensen caught his breath and felt the pain of how hard he gritted his teeth. There was no way the man had just said that to him. There was no way. He stood from behind his desk and reached up to his pocket, reaching inside as he started undoing the clasp there.

 

“I’m taking off my badge, Dalton. Then I’m taking off my gun. You want to be gone before I get done or you are going to be needing your own kind of specialist, you fucking prick.”

 

Susan shrieked at the threat and grasped her husband’s arm, tugging at him. “Dalton- we need to leave. We can talk to Jensen later when he’s in his right mind.” Seeing Jensen’s badge hit the desk top she pulled again. She did not disbelieve Jensen’s stated intentions one little bit. He was too calm. It couldn’t be good. She had no need to see him act on the light in his eyes. “Dalton, please, for me. For me.”

 

Dalton was amazed at the cool efficiency Jensen was showing. Threatening him and then telling him to get gone or else. He let his wife lead him out, not staying once Jensen was actually reaching for his holster, unsnapping it. Dalton was quick in hurrying himself and Susan from the sheriff’s office. They breezed past Deputy Kane and the man gave them an unreadable look. Dalton was glad they had parked close to the door especially when he saw Jensen stopping to talk to Chris through the clear glass doors. Dalton got out of there in a hurry when Jensen turned to look at them, his glare vicious even from a distance. Dalton didn’t start breathing again until he was on the road.

 

Dalton hated that his hands were shaking and looked over at his wife as he drove a little too fast.

 

“I think he meant me real harm.”

 

“I think so too.”

 

Susan agreed, fanning herself with both hands. She felt she had aged ten years getting out of the sheriff’s office.

 

“He wasn’t expecting me to lay it out like that. Used to people pussy-footing around him. Like I was born yesterday.”

 

His wife nodded at his words and had to take one of her calming pills with a sip of her mineral water before she could say much.

 

“He’s going to tell Jared, Dalton. He’s going to fill Jared’s head up like he has from the start. Make us out to be the bad ones when all we’ve ever done is try to take care of Jared. Even when… even when we had to send him away.”

 

“That’s because Jensen thinks he runs the world and everything in it, starting with OUR son.”

 

He glanced over when Susan had her phone out, demanding, “Who’re you calling?”

 

“Jeff. I want to tell Jeff what happened.”

 

Susan changed her tone entirely when her eldest answered her call, sounding so warm when she spoke. “Jeff, honey…we tried to talk to Jensen about a specialist and he blew up. Yes! Practically threatened to shoot us. Right there at the sheriff’s office. No… you don’t have to…Oh Jeff, you know we would do anything for Jared. Well… if you feel you just HAVE to talk to Jensen…be careful. You know his temper. I don’t want him taking it out on you just because you care about your own brother…”

 

__________________________________________________________________ 

 

He did not look like himself. He stared into the mirror the hopeful young woman held up and stared, hands lifting to touch his brow and temples. He was tentative about sweeping his palms over his scalp. God. So pale. His eyes looked bigger to him, more exposed. Jared nodded to Dolores, the girl that had cut his hair, buzzing it down at his behest. He smiled to her, but it was a weak effort.

 

“Thank you. I really appreciate it. You coming down here and all.”

 

“Oh honey.” Dolores gently took the cape off of Jared, careful not to spill his hair over the bed. “I am glad to help you anyway I can. I didn’t know it was you when Peggy called but then… usually I do your boys and Jensen…”

 

She brushed her hands over Jared’s shoulders, but she had been fastidious to start with. He wasn’t going to be itching from hair. It was a sad thing having to cut such pretty hair. Jared’s hair was so long too. She met his eyes and knew he wanted to cry. If he did, she was going to cry right along with him. “You know, now I can see your face even better. You are a pretty man. No doubt about it. My mama even says so. Said it’s a shame you only like the mister. She’s just joshin. You know she’s every day of eight five and still likes to talk about –“

 

Dolores’ banter was cut off by the door opening. Jensen entered the room, and then stopped dead when he saw Jared. His eyes widened in surprise before he looked to Dolores and back to the hair-cloak she had draped over Jared’s bed-tray on wheels.

 

“Jen-“

 

“You should’ve told me. I would’ve-“

 

“Been here for a haircut? It’s really okay.”

 

Jared whispered the words because it was almost too much seeing the upset in Jensen’s eyes. Jensen reached into the hair cloak and took some of the thick curls. He curved his fist around the softness and nodded his thanks to Dolores.

 

“How much do we owe you?”

 

The woman shook her head, her light blonde hair bouncing around her shoulders.

 

“Not a thing. Jared’s practically family. Let me do him a good turn, sheriff.”

 

She smiled to them both and then cleaned up her tools before leaving them in peace. They didn’t need her standing there watching, she reasoned. She had come to the hospital to do haircuts before, for cancer patients, and it never failed to leave her feeling sad for them. Their struggle was on so many levels, not just the physical.

 

Alone with Jared, Jensen took out his wallet and slid the tendrils of Jared’s hair into the pocket with his spare key to the truck. He met his husband’s eyes and whispered, “I would have been here.”

 

Jared smiled sadly and held out his free arm, “Come sit down with me. You look as bad as I do. What’s wrong? Besides seeing me like this?”

 

Sitting next to Jared, Jensen moved close enough to kiss Jared’s temple, feeling the softer than down brush of Jared’s shorn hair to his cheek.

 

“It’s not how you look to me, Jared. The way you look to me doesn’t change from a haircut.”

 

Jared bowed his head and Jensen realized he was crying, trying not to, but it was coming on. He held Jared to him while his husband softly wept, feeling every shake that went through Jared. Jensen kissed the nape of Jared’s neck, whispering it was going to be alright, that he was going to be okay. Jensen murmured everything that he himself needed to hear, his voice gentle and just above a breath. He felt his shirt get wet from Jared’s tears and wanted to take him a million miles away from this hospital. Away from the machines and chemo, the chill of the place. He held Jared until the tears passed and Jared was pulling back to meet his eyes.

 

He saw the tears in Jensen’s eyes that were there, moving over the bright green but not allowed to fall. Jared feared for his husband. Sometimes he wanted to make Chris promise him again, once more, that he would watch out for Jensen. He would not leave Jensen alone. It frightened Jared, because he honestly did not know what Jensen might do if he died. If he was just gone, what would Jensen do? Who would he talk to or trust? Maybe Jeff. Jared felt a little surge of possessiveness inside of him and knew Jeff would be there for Jensen- but not the same way Chris was. Not that it was fair for him to want Jensen alone… if. If he was gone, of course Jensen should be able to see someone. That someone could be Jeff Morgan.

 

“Jared, why are you glaring at me?”

 

“Sorry.”

 

Jared smiled sheepishly and wiped at his eyes, shrugging.

 

“I was just thinking.”

 

“O-kay… anything I should know about?” Jensen poured Jared some water and handed it to him.

 

Taking a few sips of the ice water, Jared shook his head. “Nope. So, why…were you so upset when you got here?”

 

“Stressful day is all. Long one.”

 

Jensen had decided before reaching the hospital, after his shift, that he was not going to hurt Jared by telling him about arguing with Dalton and Susan. What purpose would it serve? Jared would be stunned and pained to hear what his father had said, and Jensen did not want to repeat any of it. He would be double-damned if he let Dalton say any of it either. He had been so tempted to do the man great harm and it had taken him a slow count to keep himself from doing so. When Jared’s parents had fled his office, Jensen had walked to Chris and told him ‘Start talking’. Which meant, ‘distract me’ and Chris had, not even asking why. After telling Jensen all about how far baby giraffes fell at birth from their mamas, Chris had asked what happened and Jensen told him. Chris had taken him out for lunch. Barbeque and deep fried everything. Said it would give Jensen something else to think about, and it had. He had not eaten so much in forever. He rested to the bed with Jared, watching the local news. They were quietly talking about the need to repave the driveway when the door to the room opened and Jeff Padalecki walked in.

 

Jeff gave Jensen a look and said, “I need to talk to you. Now.”

 

“What’s going on?” Jared asked in worry and Jeff looked at him for the first time since his entrance.

 

Seeing his little brother’s shorn head, Jeff noticeably flinched and said in a softer tone. “Nothing for you to worry about, just me and Jensen need to talk.”

 

To his dismay, Jared felt Jensen moving away from him, a certain tension evident in his husband’s face. Something was definitely going on and Jensen didn’t want him to know about it. Jared met Jensen’s eyes and spoke woodenly. “You can talk here too, you know. I can still hear just fine.”

 

“No.” Jensen said the word with finality and walked out of the room.

 

Jeff followed him after an apologetic look to his brother. They walked in silence to Jeff’s examining room slash office. Jensen waited until they were inside to say to Jeff. “You didn’t have to worry him.”

 

“Don’t think I need YOU telling me about my own brother, Jensen.”

 

“Obviously you do when you can’t wait to upset him.”

 

Jeff slammed the door closed and looked at Jensen with anger boiling in his eyes.

 

“You shoot your mouth off so much, Jensen, and don’t care who you hurt. You don’t give a damn about anyone else but yourself. That’s not just your husband in there. It’s my brother. It’s my mother’s son. My father’s-“

 

“Right.” Jensen hissed and grinned harshly to Jeff. “You hear to speak for them? For them? Not for Jared. But because your mama and your daddy came crying to you. God. You make me sick.”

 

“Oh, is that right?”

 

“Yeah, that’s right. You stand up for all the wrong people, Jeff.”

 

“Maybe it would change your mind if you knew why they came to talk to you. Why they offered what they did. It’s their son, Jensen. You don’t own him.”

 

“This isn’t about ‘owning’ anyone. Did they tell you they wanted to send him to a specialist?”

 

“They-“

 

“In California?”

 

“Mama said-“

 

“Because last I checked, Jeff, the best cancer treatment center was in Houston, Texas. Texas, Jeff. Anderson Cancer Center at U of T. Or were you just saying that last week when you mentioned the place to me? Was that just a fluke?”

 

Jeff stared at Jensen and shook his head. His mother hadn’t said anything to him about California. Of course Anderson Center was ranked number one in the nation. He had told his parents that himself. He opened his mouth to say so but Jensen was already going on again.

 

“Or maybe the place didn’t matter so much to your folks since they wanted to tell me Jared doesn’t have leukemia at all. Course he doesn’t. Dear old Dad would rather call his own son a faggot and say he’s dying of AIDS. Telling me I killed him. Like it’s done and over and we’re all just standing around waiting for it.”

 

He wasn’t sure Jensen even knew he was still there, the way Jensen delivered the verbal blow. Jeff was stunned. He had never heard Jensen speak this way and it worried him deeply for his brother-in-law. Even as angry as he had been, Jeff was concerned.

 

“Jensen-“

 

“No. Don’t. I don’t need you to say a word to me, Jeff. I don’t need it. There’s no making it better when you believe every lie they feed you.”

 

“What are you talking about?!? Why are you acting like you know more about my life than I do?? What did my father say about Jared?”

 

“Fucking ASK him, Jeff.”

 

Jensen crowded close to Jeff and used both hands flat to slam Jeff’s back to the door, staring hard into his brother-in-law’s eyes.

 

“Grow a pair and ask your Dad what he said about Jared. Ask your mom. Look at them and for once be there for your little brother. He needs you, Jeff. He *needs* you. Jared still holds out hope that maybe- someday- you’ll be the big brother he keeps imagining. But you can’t be any good to anybody until you can see what’s right in front of you.”

 

Completely taken aback, Jeff looked at Jensen and didn’t try to move for a moment. Jensen was on the edge in many ways. Jeff was unsure why, but he felt like there was some great truth Jensen was dangling in front of him, close enough to see but too far to reach. He didn’t like the feeling. It made him feel sick and anxious.

 

“You can’t just tell me?”

 

Jensen’s lips twitched but it was not a smile. He moved away from Jeff and then pulled his brother-in-law free of the door.

 

“It’s not mine to tell. I wish it was. I wish to GOD, it was- because you need a wakeup call like nobody’s business.” The urge to spill to Jeff was enough to make Jensen shake with upset, but he was not giving in. Jared had worked so hard to shoulder the family secrets and Jensen could not bring himself to let go. Not just so he would feel better. He wouldn’t do that to Jared. He focused solely on Jeff, thinking of how Jeff let his parents talk to Sam, his own wife. “You want to know so bad, go looking for the truth and don’t stop til you find it. Be a man. Be a husband and for God’s sake, be a brother. “

 

With that, Jensen left Jeff behind, going back to talk to his husband and soothe his worried mind.

 

_________________________________________________________________ 

 

What time was it? Jared wasn’t sure, but he knew he ached inside. He wondered if it even mattered what time it was? Last night, over the phone, he had told the boys about his hair, wanting them to be prepared when he saw them next. He didn’t want it to be any harder on them than it had to be. They had expressed their love for him, telling him about their day and how Maggie spit squash all over the table. Not a fan of squash. Jared had laughed with his boys, asking them about their homework and feeling a little bit better after talking to them. God, he never wanted his boys to forget about him. He wondered if that was selfish of him. Would it be better if the boys could forget, and move on? They would still have Jensen. Maybe someone else later on. A stepfather. A stepmother. Jensen had dated women too. Jensen could end up with a really nice person, but Jared was not sure he was happy about it. He could, at least, pretend to be supportive of the idea, if it came to that. Tell Jensen right outloud that it was okay. Make sure Jensen knew he could date, fall in love again.

 

But not like me

 

Jared whispered the words deep inside, not wanting to say them out loud. 

 

Don't love someone else the way you've been loving me.

 

He gripped his blankets, looking down over the body he felt was betraying him. Letting him down. Remaking his entire life. He hated lying in his bed while the rest of the world went by. They couldn’t help it. They all had lives to see to, places to be. He was having to be side-lined while he had platinum pumped into his veins. Taking poison and waiting to see what might happen to him. Finding out how much stress his body could take. He did not know what to expect. Not really. He had read the information he was handed. He had listened to his brother and Dr. Behr, but still. This was his life on the line, not just that- his husband and children needed him. He blinked back tears, hating how his moods were swinging lately. He hated being alone but didn’t want to say so. Jensen worried too much as it was. Chad was here a lot already and James and Arlene kept driving back and forth. Jared tried not to think too much about it, but he was chafing already at being cooped up in the hospital room. 

 

He napped for awhile, not even aware of drifting off until he heard a woman’s voice speaking in a whisper.

 

“Oh the poor boy! He looks skinnier to me. Does he look skinnier to you, Linda?”

 

Jared smelt the heavy aroma of the perfume Obsession and knew it was his aunts on his father’s side. Aunt Linda and Aunt Bernice. He was tempted to pretend he was still sleeping until a hand fell on his knee through his blankets and he heard a man talking.

 

“He looks fine. He’s a strong boy. You’d be surprised what the body can do.”

 

No.

 

No.

 

Jared felt his belly twist up and he had a cold sweat spread over him. He was afraid to open his eyes, but he couldn’t abide that hand on him a second longer. He slowly sat up in his bed and stared stonily at his two portly aunts in their floral dresses with matching hats- and him.

 

Curtis. His uncle that had a penchant for little boys, was standing beside his bed. It was the first time Jared had seen the man in twenty two years and Curtis had his hand on him already. Jared shivered in revulsion, wanting to just knock his uncle’s hand away from him but settled for moving his leg instead.

 

“Jared.” His Aunt Bernice was hugging him before he could say a word and then his Aunt Linda before they were standing to either side of Curtis again, making the man look even more haggard next to their plump selves. “You doing okay, honey bear?”

 

Throat working on a hard swallow, Jared looked at his uncle and wanted to scream for him to get out. Take the needle from his hand and get out of his bed, fling the man out of his sight. He felt trapped by his I.V. and bed. Locked into a metal stall where people like Curtis could look at him all they wanted. He was bound by his family secrets too. His parents would never forgive him if he made a scene. He felt like he was in a bad dream as he looked at his uncle. The face from his nightmares that had seemed so far away. Jensen telling him he would never have to see Curtis again. Jensen had made that a fact. Standing by Jared and making him strong enough to tell his parents ‘no’ when he was invited any place Curtis would be. Missing some of the Padalecki Christmases but it had been okay because he had the Ackles’ Christmas to go to. Jensen’s family and Chad’s, plenty of Christmas and Thanksgiving there to be had. He had gone to see his Aunt Arlene and Jamie, never once regretting not being around his parents for the holiday they wanted to spend with Curtis. He forced himself to look to his Aunt Linda and spoke as calmly as he could.

 

“I want him out of my room. Now. Please.”

 

“Jared.” His Aunt Linda shook her head. “You need your family right now, honey. You need-“

 

“Get out.” Jared growled to Curtis. “Get out and don’t come back.”

 

“Jared, son, I know you hold hate in your heart for me…” Curtis shook his head, speaking as if Jared was just out of his mind with pain and delusions. “I just wanted to come see you. See how you’re doing.”

 

*Hold still, Jared, let me, baby boy. This will feel nice. You’ll see. Our little secret…don’t nobody got to know. Love you so much, little boy. Prettiest little boy I ever saw…You love me to?*

 

Jared closed his eyes tightly as bile rose in the back of his throat, scalding and sharp. He did not need to hear Curtis’ voice in the flesh when he had kept himself from remembering it in his dreams.

 

*Who loves you, Jared? That’s right. I do. I can love you in so many ways.*

 

A new voice cut into the moment as Jared’s aunts were whispering over him like he wasn’t there.

 

Drew entered the room asking, “Is there a problem here? Jared?”

 

Jared nodded woodenly and his parents be damned, he whispered. “I want them out. Please.”

 

“Of course. You heard him. Please leave the room.” Drew stood by the door, opening it with an imperious look. “I would hate to have to call security, or the sheriff’s office.”

 

Curtis paled under his tan and turned his eyes back to Jared, bloodshot eyes that were still far too sharp. His weathered face held nothing like remorse and far too much sick fondness. As if he and Jared were old friends.

 

“I am sorry you feel that way, Jared. I just came because I love you. I will always love you-“

 

“Now.” Drew said tensely, seeing how sick Jared looked with these three strange visitors.

 

“God bless you.” Curtis said to Jared and patted his shoulder as his nephew flinched away.

 

Walking out the door, Curtis nodded to Drew and then he was leaving with the two aunts following behind, clucking in their disapproval. Jared hadn’t changed a bit. Still just as rude and cutting as he’d always been, snubbing his own kin. They would have plenty to talk about, it might even last them the week.

 

Jared tried to get out of bed once they left and Drew caught him as his feet hit the floor.

 

“Jared, your I.V. stand…you’re tangled…”

 

Jared didn’t say anything, not able to when he was still moving. He felt the pain in his hand and hissed, Drew’s hands holding his shoulders as he trembled all over, wet with nervous sweat.

 

“You’re hurting yourself… “

 

The unthinkable happened then. Exactly what Jared had been trying to avoid. He vomited, over himself, the bed and Drew’s arm in front of him. He sobbed harshly, trying to apologize, but Drew just seemed to take it in stride. The nurse cleaned Jared up and changed his soiled t-shirt and then his pants before letting him sit in the chair by the window with a glass of ice water. Drew was remaking the bed when Jensen entered the room. Jensen saw how pale and shaken Jared was and asked right away.

 

“What happened?”

 

Jared knew Jensen would never have let Curtis near him. Logically he knew Jensen was not omnipotent. Jensen could not be everywhere all at once. But in the shock of his upset, and the fear that remained, Jared lashed out at the last person he wanted to hurt.

 

“Where WERE you?”

 

Jensen’s eyes widened and he glanced to Drew, the male nurse smoothing the bedding and then making himself scarce. When the door shut, Jensen looked back to Jared.

 

“I was at work. Why, what-“

 

“He was HERE, Jensen! He was here. He touched me. I couldn’t do anything but lay there… and his hands were on me…and you said…it would never happen again!”

 

Jared’s yelling was as much of a shock as the words he said. Jensen frowned and went to his husband, “Let me help you back into bed…”

 

Jared slapped his arms away hard.

 

“I can do it myself. I’m not completely helpless-“

 

But he was, a voice whispered in Jared’s mind. He had just humiliated himself in front of Drew. He had Curtis’ smell in his nose even if it was just from memory. He wasn’t even sure he *could* get himself back into bed on his own and Jensen was looking at him like he was crazy. Like maybe he was being more trouble than he was worth.

 

“Jared.”

 

Jensen didn’t understand, had no idea what had happened. He felt totally lost and hurt.

 

“Please tell me what happened. Who touched you?”

 

“Don’t talk to me like that.”

 

Jensen rubbed his palm over the lower half of his face and turned to walk to the door and back, slowly. He could not imagine who could upset Jared like this. Who ‘he’ was- and then, like a death knell a name came to mind and he slowly turned to look at Jared.

 

“Tell me who it was. Was it… was it ‘him’, Jared? Curtis?”

 

The answer was written across Jared’s features even as Jared paled and seemed to lose whatever vitriol was fueling his rage towards his innocent husband.

 

“It’s over, Jensen.”

 

And you weren’t here.

 

Those words hung in the air between them and Jensen felt anger quickening the blood in his veins. He went to Jared and held out his hands, “Let me help you. Please.”

 

Remorseful, broken, Jared slid his hands into Jensen’s and let himself be pulled to his feet. Jensen helped him back to bed and then draped the blankets over his legs, so calm it was eerie.

 

“Jen-“

 

“Yeah.”

 

“What I said-“

 

“Forget about it.”

 

“No…it wasn’t right. Or fair. I was just so-“

 

“I wasn’t here.”

 

“No, Jen, please-“

 

Jensen looked to his husband’s eyes and Jared saw for the first time he was crying. Silently, but it was still there.

 

“Jensen, please… stay with me. Don’t go anywhere. If you try to go right now, I’ll try to follow, I swear I will. I’ll tear lose and follow you.”

 

Jensen rested his head to Jared’s chest and felt himself coming undone. It was worse when Jared’s hand curved around the back of his neck and held on. The tears came then and Jensen could not stop them. He slid his arm around Jared tightly and could not let go, feeling how much weight Jared had lost already.

 

“Talk to me…” Jared whispered, stroking Jensen’s hair, feeling the heat and weight of him. “Please tell me what you’re thinking. All of it. What is scaring you, what you’re thinking. I feel so locked out, Jensen. You locking down is keeping me out too. I’m so scared for you. Please. Talk to me.”

 

“It’s ugly.”

 

Jensen whispered the words from somewhere deep inside of himself.

 

“The things I think, Jay…so ugly. It’s …nothing you should have to hear.”

 

“Tell me.”

 

Sitting up, Jensen stayed under Jared’s hand while he wiped over his aching eyes.

 

“I want to find Curtis and gut him like a deer. I want to hurt him until he’s not sure if he’s crying or it’s just his face bleeding that bad. I want to do it over and over again until he is gone, just gone. It’s not right.”

 

“No.” Jared whispered, “It’s not. You’re not a murderer.”

 

“I didn’t mean it’s not right to kill him. I meant it’s not right he gets to live and you- you’re…”

 

“Sick.”

 

Jensen bowed his head, feeling it take about all he had not to act on his strong need to tear the man apart.

 

“I keep looking at people and wondering how the hell they have a right to be okay. I know that’s fucked up, but it’s true. You… I can’t even say how much I love you. Words don’t stand up to what I’m feeling. God. Baby, I am so sorry I wasn’t here.”

 

“I was wrong to say that. I was shamed- and I lost it. I never should have-“

 

“No, I promised you. I promised you he’d never …”

 

Jared cupped Jensen’s face and drew him close, their eyes meeting and melding in a long gaze.

 

“Jensen, I can’t hear you talking about yourself like that. I never felt so loved as I did when you first told me you loved me. When you slid your ring on my finger, I knew it was my moment. That I could say then and there that I’d had true happiness. You gave me that. No one and nothing can take it away.”

 

Jensen stayed with Jared until he was resting again and then he stood in the hallway, dialing Dalton’s phone. When his father-in-law answered, Jensen skipped the formalities.

 

“You send him here, Dalton?”

 

Dalton did not pretend not to know who Jensen was referring to. He had heard from Curtis that Jared had thrown a fit seeing him.

 

“I didn’t, but he’s still Jared’s uncle-“

 

“He’s a pedophile and you’re no better than a fucking pimp.”

 

Dalton gasped so deeply he choked on it and Jensen wasn’t done.

 

“You tell that sonofabitch to get out of Gatlin. You tell him if he comes to the hospital again-“

 

“Jensen. Calm down, now. Calm down-“

 

“I don’t expect you to understand. You don’t know shit about protecting the people you love. You don’t know about being anything but the trash you are- but I swear to GOD, Dalton…you do not want to test me. Not now or ever.”

 

“You have no right talking to me like-“

 

“You’re lucky I don’t talk to you between shots. You tell your brother what I said. You tell him I mean it. If he means a thing to you- you tell him.”

 

Jensen cut the call and then dialed Jeff’s number, hoping Sam wouldn’t answer. He was in no mood to play nice. When Jeff Padalecki picked up, Jensen asked, “You talk to your parents?”

 

There was silence and then Jeff answered wearily.

 

“Yes. I did. They were…misinformed and confused. I explained-“

 

“That all you did? Explain to them that their gay son might actually have cancer?”

 

“Jensen-“

 

“Getting so tired of it.”

 

“Tired of-“

 

“Playing these games with you. With them. You don’t *want* to know the truth, do you? No matter what it costs to be ignorant- you pick that over knowing what happened to your own brother.”

 

“I –“

 

Jensen closed his eyes and blanked out, not hearing what Jeff was saying. He was too angry. Too lost in the anger and pain, the brick wall he felt he was flinging himself against. He disconnected the call while Jeff was still talking and held his phone tightly. He couldn’t put a guard at Jared’s door. Misuse of the department, but he could come by more to check. Keep checking. He felt pinned in place by everything he couldn’t change and it was driving him crazy. That night, when Chad got there, Jensen sat with him for a few hours before he had to get home. He had to make sure the kids were okay, of course. Jared would be upset if Jensen was away from the house for too long, even to see him.

 

By the time he arrived home, his children were all in bed asleep. His Aunt Missouri was asleep as well when he looked in on her. With the whole house at rest, Jensen still felt on edge. He paced the rooms and then stopped himself, realizing he wasn’t being aimless. He was looking for Jared like he might be on the other side of this wall or that one. Jensen felt winding around his ankles as his cat, Di, looked up at him and mreowed in concern. He picked her up and she let him carry her around, all loose and purring. He fed the cat and the dog, knowing Boogie was missing Jared too. It was evident in the way the big dog’s shoulders slumped when he saw Jensen come home without Jared.

 

He saw the note on the counter from his aunt and opened it, eyes scanning the words, ‘Just so you know, honey, the boys took it upon themselves to make sure Jared wouldn’t feel bad when he comes home being the only one with short hair. They nearly balded each other. They were so quiet I didn’t hear a peep when I was making dinner. I did stop them half way through doing Maggie’s hair too- but they’ll be going to the barber tomorrow to get the hot mess on their heads all evened out. Don’t be upset with them. Their little hearts were in the right place. Eat your dinner! Get some sleep. Love you baby.’

 

He re-read the note and then went to look in on the kids again, with a closer inspection this time. Yeah, they definitely had to go to the salon. They were almost bald in spots and other places had shanks of gold blond hair that they’d missed. Maggie looked raggedy too, her curls chopped all along one side. Jared was going to love this one. At least it would make him laugh if it didn’t make him cry. Jensen kissed the children good night once more and then left them to go back to the kitchen.

 

Standing in the kitchen, Jensen decided he needed to take something to help him sleep. Something that might slow him down from just going hunting for Curtis. Finding him wherever he holed up and putting a deep red hole between his eyes. Jensen scoured the kitchen, ignoring the plate of dinner left for him in the fridge. Opening the last wall cabinet he saw a dark silhouette that promised him some relief. His hand closed around the bottle and he promised himself, just enough to sleep. No more than that. Just enough to make him relax and be able to lie down. That was all it was.


	10. Chapter 10

Entering the hospital room, Jensen was a little surprised to see Megan there with Jared. Just the two of them. Usually Ricky was right there with Megan wherever she went. But not tonight. Jensen was taking off his jacket when Jared cleared his throat.

 

"Ah, Jen, I meant to call you. Meg's staying here with me tonight. We are kinda doing a brother sister bonding thing."

 

Megan smiled at Jensen and he noticed the box she was fitting a lid over and then snugly shoving under her chair. She laced her hands together in her lap and nodded.

 

"Like a sleep-over."

 

"Oh." 

 

Jensen was taken aback and then realized they were waiting for him to leave. He looked back and forth between them before picking up his jacket. It was not like Jared and Megan were always hanging out or anything. Usually Megan would come over to the house with Ricky and that was that. Not so much just the siblings. But things were different now. Jensen did not want to think too much on the hows or whys of the way things would never be the same. If they needed their time, it was the least he could do to make himself scarce.

 

"I guess I'll just be going then." 

 

Jensen looked like a lost little boy, hedging a second before leaning over Jared to kiss him goodbye.

 

"Love you." Jared said softly and then Jensen was gently kissing his cheek before leaving. Alone with Megan, Jared winced guiltily and rested back to his pillows. He felt wasted and it wasn't even seven o'clock yet. "I hated making him look sad like that."

 

His sister nodded and reached over, holding his hand. 

 

"I know, Jay, but like you said, he wouldn't understand. He wouldn't want to hear-"

 

"I can't say I blame him."

 

"If you changed your mind-"

 

"No, it's important." Jared meant to do this. To have some say in his life or potential ...death. He hated to think about it, but he could not have all of this falling on Jensen later. If he was gone. How could he do that to his already grieving husband? Jensen would not even talk about him maybe dying. It was if Jensen was superstitious about the entire matter. If they never mentioned it, it might go away. It left Jared feeling so afraid for his husband. Fearing Jensen might break under too much strain. He had to do all he could to help Jensen. No matter what it took. Jared inhaled a deep breath and nodded to his sister. "I made a list. Did you bring all the pictures?"

 

"I couldn't find the one you mentioned of you and James with the turkey. I looked everywhere. I have the ones of the first night home with the boys." 

 

Megan opened the box and took out a packet of photographs. She sifted through them and pulled out the index card where she had written down all of his requests and checked off the ones she had. She felt like a traitor in a way. Because wasn't this like accepting Jared might die? When she wanted to say of course he could not and would not. Helping him the way she was, it felt like she was fulfilling a last request. It was better to just act like they were looking through pictures. That was all. Just reliving some old memories. 

 

"I know Aunt Arlene has the one of you and James with her framed in her living room. I can get a copy from her. I raided all mom's pictures and took the ones of your first anniversary party. Remember that giant pink cake Chris and Chad brought you guys? That was so funny. The bows. I have the ones of you and Jensen smushing the cake into each other's faces. Um, Christmas last year. The boys' school pictures-"

 

She stopped, thinking of all those memories. All the laughing and bubbling over and never knowing anything could ever take it all away. Like the good could be stopped, stolen. She bowed her head, pretending she just had to look at what she was doing.

 

When she paused, Jared blinked to her and nodded. "It's okay, Meggie. I asked for this. It's okay. I want to have these with me, just in case. I thought about it and I can't think of anything else I would rather have around me... then. If..." Jared looked away. He had envisioned it, a funeral where his loved ones and favorite memories were surrounding him. It didn't make it any easier to say in front of his baby sister. He had chosen Meg because she would listen to him. She would keep his confidence and not tell everyone that he was making any such plans. He didn't want a big scare. He just wanted some faith that certain things would not be asked of Jensen when he was at his lowest. "I can't keep acting like it might not happen. I can't ignore it and leave it all on Jensen. It's important."

 

She had promised herself she wouldn't cry, but it was not coming easy. She felt honored her brother had trusted her to help him. Taken her into his confidence. But still, it was her brother. Jared, who had always been so vibrant, strong and brave. Able to tell her parents 'no'. He had given her the strength to defy their father and marry Ricky because she loved him. Her parents' disapproval had not been as obstructing as it would have been because of Jared's example. He had shown her there was life after pissing off their mom and dad. A good lesson to learn. She nodded to Jared. 

 

"So what's on the new list?"

 

He unfolded the piece of paper he had hidden in his book and eased out the creases with the flat of his hand. Clearing his throat, he softly spoke.

 

"These are just the things I want you to remind the kids of. Things I felt were important. I wrote it 'to' the boys, but mostly for you, until they're old enough to take the list. It's a mess, my list- it's not in order. But here goes. Tell the boys to remember Mammoth Caves in Kentucky and how they wanted to walk through bare foot so we all did. How we all laugh when we watch Finding Nemo, and Jensen cracks up over the crabs at the end. Remember how tight I always hugged you, and when I'd swear we were glued together and I couldn't put you down. I want you to know I read 'Bury Me At Wounded Knee' when I was eleven and a few times more over my life. I am putting aside a box of my favorite books for you, the ones I've read over and over. I hope you like them. There's a copy of 'Cat's Cradle' in there that I kept because it was the first book I bought when I was in college. I never cared for Kurt Vonnegut, but you might like him. I put my music all in with your Daddy's, but he can tell you what was my favorite. Ask him, talk to him. Take care of him for me. I want you to remember me teaching you to sing the Apple Blossom song and the dance we did to it. Teach it to Maggie and hug her at the end. My favorite place when I was little was Aunt Arlene and Jamie's house. You'll always be safe around them. They're real good people. They made me a better person and gave me a real home before I met your Daddy and had you, and then I had everything I wanted. I learned a lot on my life. I learnt that falling down isn't the worst thing that can happen, staying down is. Never spread hate or jealousy. Don't let other people tell you what to think or who to like and love. Own up to what you do. Take care of each other. Remember that you are the part of me that is still here, and so special. I love you. So much. The best days of my life were marrying your Daddy, bringing you all home from the hospital and then having our life together. I loved making peanut butter play-dough and having to make you boys and your Daddy quit eating it. I am putting birthday cards aside for you, and they'll be for every year til you're twenty one. Aunt Megan's going to keep them and give them to you as you get older. I already filled them out, making sure to put my two cents in. I got worried over the teen-aged years so those are pretty long and lecture-ish. I couldn't help it. I want you to know that no matter how far apart it seems we are, I'm never away from you. I love you Cormac, Caleb, Maggie. I love you guys so much. Be there for each other. Good times and hard times. You three should be best friends. It's what I wish for most. Love each other and your Daddy. Tell him you love him every day."

 

Jared was done then and looked to Megan. She was crying and he squeezed her hand. When their eyes met, he held out his arm.

 

"Come here, Meggie."

 

He held her close, kissing her hair and giving her a squeeze.

 

"I know it's hard."

 

Megan sniffled at his words and whispered. "Jared, I just... it... I can't believe it. I don't want to believe it."

 

"I know."

 

"I pray about it. Ricky and I both do."

 

"Thank you."

 

"I'd do anything for you, big brother."

 

Jared gave her a tight hug.

 

She whispered to him. "Was it hard...filling out the cards?"

 

"Some...I was almost done with them when I realized I wasn't just signing 'I love you' like usual. I was writing 'forever' too. I didn't catch it til I was pretty far along."

 

Megan did not have words, imagining the children without their father was too much. She snuggled to him and held him, listening to his heartbeat.

 

"Jared?"

 

"Yeah?"

 

"Did you still want to go over the other plans?"

 

"When you're ready. We've got all night."

 

"Okay."

 

Megan wasn't sure she would ever be ready to talk about funeral arrangements for her beloved brother, but she had promised and she meant to do all she could. Still, it was draining to hear Jared request that all floral arrangements be replaced with donations to the American Cancer Society. He did not want money 'wasted' on flowers when it could go to help someone. He wanted the funeral to be private, and she was surprised at that. Jared had a list of people invited and there was to be no one else besides those on the list. Megan read over the names and her eyes widened.

 

"Jared.There're only twenty two names here."

 

"I know." He met her eyes steadily. "I put a lot of thought into it. I wanted to be fair."

 

"But mom and dad aren't on it."

 

"Jensen has had to tolerate them for me while we were together. All during our marriage. I won't ask it of him when I'm gone. I just will not. He's my husband and I can do this for him, even if it doesn't seem like much."

 

"But-"

 

"They won't like it, true. They've never liked any of the choices I've made. Just this time I'm doing what I want to do knowing full well they'll be upset. They won't be upset for my sake, Meg. They'll be upset for their sake. They can deal with it. If they're really that torn up over losing me, they'll still grieve, right? Surely the ceremony isn't the only place to miss your dead son."

 

Megan was aghast, knowing her parents would be livid. The way Jared was talking, it sounded like he didn't believe their parents would really miss him, or not in a sincere way. She did not know what to say. The list was simply 'Jensen, our children, Arlene, Jamie, Missouri, Megan, Ricky, Steve, Chris, Chad, Sophia, Jeff, Samantha, Jeff Morgan, Jensen's parents, Steve, Josh, MacKenzie and Alona. A scattering of people. Nowhere near as many she would have expected. The whole town would want to be there. Jared was well-loved and Jensen was the sheriff. They would have a score of people that would have to be turned away. Her brow furrowed as she thought of how her family would react. Not just her parents either. Everyone. Her brother was watching her, waiting for her to say something. Let him know if she could keep her word to help him or not.

 

"Alright, Jared. Alright. However you want it. I'll make sure it's done your way."

 

"Good. Thank you. I want to record some things for Maggie and the boys. Aunt Arlene...Jamie. I just want something for them. To show them how much they mean to me. I hate the thought of anyone wondering. I don't want that unresolved. So many details. Ah, I signed the list, and I added it to my last will and testament. The chaplain here at the hospital brought me some paperwork this morning. I signed over my health advocacy to Jensen as well, so he can make those final decisions if it comes to that. I don't want to be hooked up to life support or be kept alive but comatose. None of that."

 

"Did you discuss this with Jensen yet?"

 

She had a hard time imagining Jensen being able to let Jared go, even if it was what Jared wanted. Unplugging the machines? She didn't even want to think about it. It made her hurt inside and she had to keep herself from blurting out childish 'nos' of denial. She still felt them, but her brother needed her.

 

"I didn't discuss it with Jensen yet, but as my health care advocate, he will be able to make the final decisions. I didn't want it to become an issue. You know? No one stepping in to say our marriage wasn't real or he doesn't have the right."

 

The right of life or death.

 

The decision seemed massive to Megan and she did not envy her brother-in-law. If it were Ricky and she had to make that call? To just admit defeat and let him slip away? Go into a sleep he would not awaken from? Could she do that? Knowing what her husband would want and all, there would still be the wrenching heartache of knowing he was truly gone. Jared so trustingly gave that right to Jensen, the person he loved and trusted most in the world. Megan wrote down the things her brother told her to make a note of, reminding herself again that, in this, Jared needed her. His little sister. She would not disappoint him.

 

X

 

Jensen did not know what to do with himself. He went home, to an empty house. He had let Missouri take the kids with her. They were at her place, just for the weekend. Jensen had felt it would be good for the kids to get out, away. Just relax. The twins had been exuberant and he felt he had made the right choice. Jared had seconded his decision, wanting the children to have a good time. Now, though, the house seemed way too big and quiet. Jensen sat at the islander in the kitchen, as if he did not live in his own home. Out of sorts, no real place. He did not want to go to his bedroom and be reminded of Jared sleeping somewhere else. Television held no allure. He didn't want to hear canned laughter or try to concentrate on inane story-lines. He didn't have the mindset, he realized, to relax. He fed Di and Boogie, and checked the mail, but there was nothing demanding his attention.

 

If the house was not spotless, he could have cleaned, but his aunt was fastidious. Then with Arlene stopping by so much to help? Twice the housekeeping. Somehow Aunt Missouri had even taught the twins how to load the dishwasher. Jensen wandered around the kitchen, opening cabinets and listlessly closing them, not seeing anything appetizing. Which reminded him of how little Jared was eating. Jared was in for his fourth round of chemotherapy, looking so exhausted that you almost expected to be able to see through him. Jared was dropping weight. He had become so frighteningly thin in Jensen's eyes, as if everything Jared had to give was being drawn into his center. Still might not be enough.Jensen closed his eyes at that thought and felt his lashes get wet. It reminded him of how Jared had been when they first met, a student living off Ramen noodles and iced tea. But it was not thriftiness that had hold of Jared now. Not a 'student's diet'. Fuck. He had to take small, tight breaths until he was calm again. He could not just give into that hurt inside. The world outside was still going on. What would happen if it stopped? Stopped all together because Jared was gone?

 

He couldn't think that way. It was another bleak thought to run away from but it curled around his brain like smoke, there but impossible to catch with his hands. There was no relief from his mind unless he could knock himself out for the night.

 

Looking in the last cabinet, he saw the new bottle of Jack Daniels he had just bought the other day. It was the closest thing he had to a painkiller. He picked up the bottle and unscrewed the lid, convinced he could just have a glass and then go to bed. Sleep an honest man's sleep, his father would have said. But one glass led to two, and then the bottle was running low as he stayed there at the counter, staring at nothing. The whiskey dropped right along with Jensen's mood, swirling through him and burning away. It was a strange tableau, the way he sat there. It should have been more uncomfortable, but he didn't want to move. He wanted to be nothing for a moment, and just get lost in his head. It just wouldn't last. The fugue state was resistant to permanency. Jensen blinked and took a sudden deep breath. He looked around like he was just waking up, eyes blurred from drink before he stood from his chair. He had to be very careful to replace the lid on the bottle and fit it back into its spot in the cabinet. Couldn't leave it lying around for anyone to see. For the kids to see. If he needed more, he promised himself, he would come back for it. 

 

He just could not stay by himself for another second. He thought of calling Chris, but he couldn't make himself. It would mean admitting to his friend that he had been sinking into whiskey like it might baptize him into someone new. Jensen could not deal with it right now, the well intentioned badgering Chris would give him. He deserved it, he knew, but that didn't mean he would seek it out. He slid on tennis shoes, his feet freezing and then he walked outside. 

 

A town like this, it was so quiet after midnight. Occasionally a car might pass by, but even then, the driver would have their music low, respectfully, and then you would be alone again. Just passing by. Jensen walked down the long sidewalk, wearing his jeans and t-shirt, thinking ten blocks later that he needed a jacket.

 

Why was Megan staying at the hospital? Why couldn't he be there? His mind wouldn't let go of it. Megan had brought a box with her too, and it was shoved under her chair while Jensen was there, hearing from Jared that he couldn't stay with the siblings. Jared had seemed firm but a little shaky. Jensen just assumed Jared was tired. Had to be tired. Now he felt suspicious and nervous. He didn't need any more surprises. Jensen glanced around, remembering he hadn't locked up the house. He studied his surroundings and it all looked so strange. He wasn't sure where he was for a moment and it struck him he might have had too much to drink. He made a slow circuit of his surroundings visually before he saw a white-painted staircase leading up to a second floor apartment. The apartment was over a machine shop. He had wandered his drunk ass over to Jeff's place.

 

Not sure what time it was, Jensen walked up the stairs, almost falling twice. Too much drink on an empty stomach, and he tried to remember- had he eaten any lunch? He made it to Jeff's screen door and knocked, or thought he did. It was mostly his fist bashing into the side of the door before the overhead light was hitting his eyes. Jensen winced and turned his head, hearing his name said in a surprised tone before a strange male voice was calling from behind Jeff.

 

"Who the hell is it?"

 

Jeff opened the screen-door, wearing a pair of faded jeans and nothing else, but at least he had the heat on. Jensen looked blue from the cold. 

 

"Shut up, Taylor."

 

Jensen glanced over Jeff's shoulder and saw a handsome young man standing in the hallway, wrapping a sheet around his hips. Not surprisingly, Jeff's friend was lithe, well-muscled and tan. A beautiful guy, not feminine but definitely beautiful. Even if he was pissed off. Taylor glared at the newcomer and snapped.

 

"Are you fucking serious, Jeff? Right now? No offense, buddy, but we were kinda busy."

 

Jeff guided Jensen inside, ignoring his huffy lover as he saw how Jensen was weaving on his feet. He pushed Jensen towards the couch and dropped a blanket on him, demanding right away.

 

"You came all this way without a jacket on? Where's your truck? You weren't driving, were you? I oughtta kick your ass."

 

Seeing that Jeff was all over the newly arrived Jensen and that he himself wasn't getting anywhere harping, Taylor swore and walked back to the bedroom, slamming the door shut. Jensen lifted his head at the sudden noise and then burrowed deeper into the quilt around him. He felt so cold. His face hurt with it. He brought the quilt up to his numb cheeks and rubbed there, whispering, "Truck's at home. Walked."

 

Jeff moved to sit next to Jensen, pulling on his t-shirt before he asked, "How much've you had to drink?"

 

"Not enough."

 

The way Jensen said it worried Jeff even more and he could not help reaching out to the younger man and pulling Jensen into his arms. He had never seen Jensen this way before. Not in all the years he had known him. This was more than unsettling and Jeff knew Jared had no idea the state his husband was in. Jensen would not be like this if Jared was waiting for him at home. It made it painful to have him here now. Old pains and new ones were mixing together. Jeff shoved his thoughts aside and did not let go of his friend, trying to warm him. He felt Jensen curl against him, the distraught man's face pressed to the base of his throat. Jeff held him and tightened his hold, hearing Taylor getting dressed. Pissily getting dressed, making sure Jeff knew he was not happy. Jeff pulled back to look at Jensen's face, wondering if he was still even conscious. Dim green eyes lifted to meet darker ones.

 

"Jensen. You could've gotten arrested by your own deputies. You know that?"

 

"Highly...doubtful." Jensen spoke very slowly, his tongue not seeming to work right. He rested his head to Jeff's warm and solid shoulder, whispering. "What time is it?"

 

Jeff glanced to the wall clock and then, "It's just after two. Why, you got plans?"

 

"Two in the morning?"

 

"Yeah. Let me make you something hot to drink. Definitely get some water and Tylenol. You're going to feel like shit tomorrow."

 

"Feel like shit now."

 

"Well, then you're forewarned on what to expect."

 

Jeff stood from the couch and walked into the kitchen, starting his coffeemaker early and then opening the cabinet over the sink, rooting around for the Tylenol. He looked over when Taylor filled the doorway, the pretty youth flushed with annoyance. They had been pretty hot and heavy when the pounding on the door started.

 

"What's going on, Jeff? That's Jensen, right? Ackles?"

 

"You know who it is. He busted you last year for possession and let you go with a warning, remember?"

 

Jeff shook his head, his voice barely above a whisper.

 

"He's having a hard time, Taylor. You know what's going on. The whole town does. Cut him some slack."

 

"How much slack are we talking?"

 

Petulant, the young man pulled on his jacket, waiting to see if Jeff told him to stay, which he didnt.

 

"Sharing you part of the 'slack', Jeff?"

 

"Does it look like he's telling you to scoot over? No, he's on the couch, half-frozen and needing a friend. Grow the fuck up."

 

"Right." Laughing shortly, Taylor swiped his carkeys off the tabletop and went out of the kitchen, passing Jensen on the way to the door. "Enjoy Jeff, sheriff."

 

Blearily, Jensen smiled to the hothead and muttered, "Always have. Thanks."

 

Another door was slammed and then Taylor was gone, the sound of peeling tires cutting into the still night. Jensen looked up when Jeff handed him water and two gel-caps.

 

"Bitchy little fucker."

 

Jeff smiled at Jensen's commentary and sat down beside him. "Yeah, I sure know how to pick em."

 

A mumble was all Jeff heard for his answer, Jensen swallowing the pain killers and drinking some of his water. Jensen looked younger somehow. Maybe it was the vulneribility, Jeff wasn't sure, but Jensen seemed at a loss. Jeff reached over, rubbing his palm to Jensen's back, chafing over the blanket.

 

"You want some socks or something?"

 

Jensen closed and opened his eyes, taking another drink of water.

 

"M'fine."

 

"Yeah, you look great."

 

"Fuck you." Jensen lifted the water, whispering. "But thanks."

 

"Now I know you aren't feeling right. Saying thanks." 

 

Jeff heard the coffee stop burbling and went to get them both a mug, asking from the kitchen.

 

"You want any food? I have day old donuts. Cops love them some donuts."

 

"Bring me three."

 

"There's a boy."

 

Jeff came back with the box under his arm, handing Jensen his coffee and then sitting down, putting the glazed donuts to the tabletop before them. The second hand coffee table matched everything else in Jeff's apartment, aside from his guitars and immaculate music collection. There was nothing messy about Jeff's love of music. He dug into the donuts and washed it down with coffee.

 

"Sorry about...interrupting. You and him. I didn't know I was coming over, or I'd have called-"

 

"It's alright."

 

"No, seriously. You were 'busy'."

 

"I can be that kinda busy some other time. Don't worry about it. I'm glad you came over. I was going to come see you sometime this weekend."

 

"Yeah?"

 

"Yeah. I worry about you. Didn't know you were self medicating with whiskey."

 

"Do I smell? Like whiskey?"

 

"It's pretty distinctive. You'll be sweatin it out tomorrow."

 

"Huh, well..." Jensen shrugged and had another donut.

 

"Like it's going to be that easy. You came all this way, you had to have a reason. Anyone I need to call?"

 

"Got my phone with me. Never leave it."

 

"So no one at home-"

 

"There's no one there but the pets. Kids went with Missouri."

 

"Ah. Means it was just you and Jack."

 

Jensen did not lift his eyes, taking bites of his donut and drinking coffee, letting it melt over his tongue before chewing and swallowing. He wanted a cigarette so bad he lusted for one, watching Jeff light up. Jensen kept from asking for one, realizing Jeff was going to hound him until he said something valid. Explained himself. Except, Jensen didn't think there was much explaining to be done. He was drunk off his ass and imposing. Running off Jeff's boyfriend and generally being miserable. He swallowed the thick lump of pastry in his throat and took a deep breath.

 

"Jeff, I have to tell you something I haven't been able to tell no one else and no matter what I say, just hear me and if it's too heavy, forget I ever said it, but I feel like I have to get it out of me before I sour, sicken and die from carrying it."

 

A deep frown marred Jeff's face. He believed Jensen meant what he said. Jensen had that trait about him. You either loved it or hated it, but he never got a lukewarm reaction from anyone. Too present for some people's peace of mind. Jeff nodded somberly to him.

 

"Go ahead."

 

Draining his coffee cup, Jensen decided to just let it come out unchecked. All the snakelike thoughts coiled inside of him, twisted in on themselves, tightening until he was suffocated in himself.

 

"Jared might die. He might die and then he would be gone. Just erased out of life. I kept thinking if I just pushed enough and kept on this game face that surely it wouldn't happen. I wouldn't let it happen. Like I can fix this if I just remember how, because I should know. Of everything I know, I should know how to keep him safe. He's the most important part of me and I can't save him? I know that's crazy. Part of me knows it but all the rest of me is running around in circles trying to think of what I've forgotten or find the piece I am missing. In my life, I've always had some idea of where I'm going. How what I'm doing is going to affect my life, my future. Like one step into another but there's always been this 'ahead' point I could see. Not crystal clear, but there. An idea. I look ahead now, Jeff, and I don't see anything. There was a light there before. Turned down low, but a light. It's brighter when you're in the moment, in the present, but always there. Was there. Now it's a flat grey stretching further than I can see... because if I don't have him...I can't do this. I can't do this. I can't. There is nothing. I will die. I will...die. Inside and outside. I know it's selfish. I know the kids need me. I know it's not fair. I hate my fucking self for even thinking the way I do. Like I would ever leave our babies. I just can't see my way at all. I don't know shit. I don't know what to do and he's fading away. I see it. They're giving him more meds for pain soon and it'll be worse. The way he will just drift off while we're talking or forget where he is when he wakes up. He woke up at the hospital the other night and was scared to death for a minute. I had to hold him and remind him where he was. He sounded... like a little kid."

 

Jensen surprised Jeff by how quickly he stood, letting the quilt fall to the sofa. Jeff was to his feet as Jensen rushed to the bathroom. Following swiftly after Jensen, Jeff found him evacuating his stomach into the toilet, heaving as the whiskey retched out of him by force. Jeff grimaced in pure sympathy and wetted a washcloth, draping it to Jensen's nape before kneeling beside his friend. He heard the hoarse sounds ripped from Jensen and realized he was crying. Not just crying though. Sobbing as if the world had come to an end and he had to watch the whole thing. Jeff pulled the shaking man into his arms and held him, pressing Jensen's damp face to his shoulder as he held on.

 

"Jensen. God. No. No. You can't...do this to yourself. You have to stop. No one in the world would ever doubt you're doing all you can. This isn't you making him sick. You're not just 'letting' it happen. Jen. It's not like that. Cancer never asked if it was okay to move in. It just... it's there but he's fighting it. You're fighting with him. Right there beside him. Don't stop. You can't stop, you hear me? You can't believe it's done. You can't blame yourself for whatever happens. It's out of your hands, baby. It's so far out of your hands that hating yourself is only making it worse."

 

He had Jensen crumpled uncomfortably on his lap and tried to ease his back to the sink, but those branch-like handles that had seemed awesome at the hardware store were murder to his shoulderblade. 

 

"You can't blame yourself for not making Jared better any more than you can blame *him* for being sick."

 

Feeling drained in every way, Jensen could not respond. He was pulverized emotionally and it was a long time coming. Saying those things that he could not bring himself to admit when he was sober and being who he felt he had to be. There was no room for crying and hiding when you had so much to do. He hated to think of what he smelt like now, his head throbbing excruciatingly. His vision was swimming with tears and vertigo, adding to the general air of wanting to be unconscious.

 

"Jeff?"

 

"Yeah?"

 

"I think I need to lay down."

 

"Alright. I have to get up first, then I'll haul you up."

 

"Slow."

 

"Promise."

 

Getting to his feet, Jeff reached down and gently brought Jensen to his feet, mostly supporting him. He half carried Jensen to the hallway and the nearest bed, his own. He had the pull-out couch in the living room but it seemed pretty far away and Jensen was making some dry heave sounds that had Jeff on edge. He let Jensen fall to the mattress and then stripped off his messed up shirt. Jeff took his own 'Sooners' t-shirt from the basket of clean clothes, the maroon hued cotton washed to the perfect softness for sleeping in. He helped Jensen into the clean shirt and pulled the blankets up over his recumbent form.

 

"I'm getting the bucket from under the bathroom sink. No hurling til I'm back."

 

"Nothing left." Jensen said, reassuringly, one arm thrown across his face.

 

Jeff came back with the bucket he usually reserved for cleaning the floors with, letting it sit to the side of the bed, hearing Jensen sniff at the cleaning supplies smell.

 

"Murphy's Oil Soap." Jensen whispered. "My mom uses that. I do too."

 

"Thank you for the endorsement." Jeff teased faintly. "I'm getting you some more water."

 

"Jeff?"

 

"Mm?"

 

"Thank you."

 

"You're welcome."

 

Jeff didn't ask 'for what' because he didn't want Jensen to feel the need to elaborate. Whatever it was he had given, Jensen was welcome to it. Even though they were no longer lovers, he loved Jensen. That would never change. Now he was scared for him too, more than ever before. He had never pegged Jensen for a defeatist in anything. Mulish and determined, yes, but giving up? Never. Not on himself or anyone he cared about. It was disturbing to hear Jensen say there might not be a future for him to get to if Jared wasn't there. Jeff wondered if Jensen would even remember in the morning what he had admited tonight. He plunked a glass of water to the bedside table for Jensen, seeing how rough his friend looked. Grey circles around those expressive jade eyes, pale from the alcohol kicking his ass. Tear streaked cheeks gilded with stubble. Jensen was still the most beautiful man he had ever seen, even like this.

 

"Jeff?"

 

Jensen whispered his name, eyes still closed, body slack.

 

"Yeah?"

 

"Are you stayin? In here?"

 

"I was thinking I'd crash on the couch."

 

There was a long pregnant pause and Jeff imagined Jensen had fallen asleep until he responded.

 

"Probably should. I just wanted you to stay, but that might be wrong."

 

"I don't think it'd be for the best, but if you wanted me here...I'd stay. I'd give you my word nothing would happen. Just sleeping."

 

Jensen's eyes flickered open and he looked at Jeff with a burning clarity despite his inebriation.

 

"I trust you, Jeff. You've never had to 'take' it from anyone when you wanted sex."

 

"Still..."

 

Jensen cut off Jeff's words by pulling the blanket back beside him.

 

"Just shut up and lay down."

 

Jeff did as he was told, lying next to Jensen. He heard it when Jensen's breathing changed, knowing he was asleep. Deeply asleep. Rolling onto his side, Jeff looked at Jensen, watching when the blond man turned to face the wall, putting his back to him. Jeff reached over Jensen, turning off the lamp and then relaxing back to the mattress. He was only still a moment before Jensen had snuggled to him, back to chest. Jeff cursed inwardly while Jensen remained pressed to him, a welcome weight. Warm, smooth. All things he remembered and missed. Jeff slid one arm around Jensen and held him, feeling the younger man settle more restfully.He let himself kiss Jensen's nape and then he fell asleep holding him.

 

The first time Jeff awoke, it was because Jensen was half sitting up in bed, glaring at the digital alarm clock, trying to make sense of it. Jeff asked, "What time is it?"

 

"One eighty-one."

 

Jensen seemed confused by that and annoyed, huffing back to the mattress.

 

"You're still drunk."

 

"I am not."

 

"Seven thirty seven. Now go back to sleep. You work today?"

 

"No."

 

"Shut up and sleep."

 

"Kay."

 

The second time Jeff woke up it was because of his insistent bladder. He got out of bed and went to relieve himself, yawning as he wondered if he should make Jensen some breakfast. He heard, of all things, the old theme music from Super Mario Brothers. Looking around his bathroom, he saw Jensen's cellphone on the rug in front of the shower. It had to have fallen out of Jensen's pocket the night before in his dash to the toilet. Jeff picked up the phone and seeing the call came from Jensen's house, pressed the blinking green light and answered, "Hello?"

 

There was a pause and then a young woman asked. "Who is this?"

 

"This is Jeff. Who's this?"

 

"Megan. Jared's sister. Jensen's sister-in-law."

 

Megan bit out the words, wanting Jeff to know she was fully aware of who *he* was.

 

"I remember. We met at the wedding."

 

Jeff could tell she was pissed off, but he was not going to scramble to apologize or make excuses when he wasn't doing anything wrong. He was a grown man. She had no business thinking something was going on just because of a voice on a phone.

 

"Right. Is Jensen there? At...your place?"

 

"He's asleep. Do you need to talk to him?"

 

Megan hissed over her teeth and Jeff could practically hear her thoughts grinding away.

 

"No. I just came from the hospital and wanted to take him to breakfast. It's ten in the morning."

 

"You want me to have him call you?"

 

"That's fine. I have to get to work by eleven so no. It's alright. I'll...talk to him later."

 

"Have a good day then."

 

"You too."

 

She sounded peevish and Jeff winced as he shook his head. Jensen might be getting an earful later over nothing. Jeff meant to mention the call to Jensen, but when Jensen rolled out of bed, he was too distracted by lecturing his friend. Telling him that he could have been killed walking in the cold like that. Jeff hated sounding like his mother, but Jensen was barely listening so it had to be laid on a little thicker. Damned fool.

 

X

 

Megan was distressed when she hung up the phone and realized what Jensen had been doing while Jared was at the hospital. She could not believe it, but it was right there in front of her. Jensen was seeing Jeff again. Sleeping with him. Jared was suffering and Jensen was cheating on him. Getting his own kind of comfort, apparently. She was so angry she barely could think. She wanted to find Jeff Morgan and beat the crap out of him and then do the same to her brother-in-law. How could he do that to Jared? She paced the foyer of her brother's house and tried to think what she should do. God. Jared trusted Jensen with everything, every last thing, and this was how Jensen repaid that trust? Not even hiding it very well. She wondered if Jensen had been glad when Missouri asked to take the kids with her for the weekend. Certainly freed up his time to see Jeff on the sly. She shook with how upset she was, remembering all her brother was trying so hard to do for Jensen, to save him the trouble. All so Jared could be made the fool of. What if it had been going on for awhile? It wasn't like Jeff and Jensen were strangers before now. It could have been a long-standing affair and Jared would never suspect. He was too good of a person for it to even cross his mind that Jensen might be a liar and a cheat. She was still boiling over when she entered the hospital. Her anger and hurt made her strides long all the way to Jared's room, and she did what she felt was right.

 

She told him everything.

 

She was almost breathless by the time she stopped recounting all that she had to say, the words almost mashed together in her upset. Jared just listened to her, his eyes wide and then he was paler. He licked over his lips and looked to the blank wall for a moment. 

 

"Did you... talk to anyone else about this, Megan? Besides me?"

 

"No, I-"

 

"Then don't. For my sake, okay? Don't say anything to anyone else. Let this just be between us?"

 

"Jared-"

 

"I know you're upset. I know why you told me, just..."

 

Jared felt a tremble work through him and let his head fall back to his pillows. He felt short of breath and exhausted, but it was not all from his illness. Jensen and Jeff. Jensen stayed the night with Jeff. Logically, maybe nothing happened. But Jared knew how Jeff still felt about Jensen. There was no mistaking that. He wasn't blind. Or as naive as some people might think. He took in a breath.

 

"Please?"

 

"Okay." Meg hugged herself, and wanted to cry. "Jared, I'm sorry. I just thought you should know."

 

"I did know." Jared lied softly. "I told him it was okay. I want him to be happy. Don't judge him. You don't know what he's going through. You can't even begin to imagine, so don't hate him...or think he's a bad person. He's not. You should love him because I love him, and you should keep this to yourself. That's what I want. Swear to me, on my life, you won't say anything to anyone else."

 

"I swear."

 

"Good. Now I want to be alone. I'm tired."

 

"O- Okay." Megan hugged Jared and then left, not seeing it when his face turned to his pillow and he cried. 

 

He tried to tell himself that it was just speculation. Megan had not seen anything. She had no real proof Jensen had done anything wrong. He told himself that and tried to keep his head. He was not going off half-cocked and accusing Jensen of anything. Pushing away his uneaten breakfast, Jared had nothing else to think about. He was alone until noon when Jensen came into his room, freshly showered. He saw how Jensen looked a little rough around the edges and wondered if Jeff had done that. Kept Jensen up way too late making sure he had his full attention. Jared set his jaw and then murmured.

 

"You have a long night?"

 

Jensen's quick and guilty look was fleeting, but Jared saw it. He just misconstrued the source of that look.

 

"Yeah, kinda."

 

Jensen sat down to the side of Jared's bed, seeing the untouched food on the tray. He frowned and nudged the side of the tray.

 

"Beef something doesn't look too bad. You should eat something, Jay."

 

"I'm not hungry. I might have a shake later."

 

Eyeing his recalcitrant spouse, Jared wondered if Jensen knew how penitent he looked.

 

"So what'd you do last night? I mean, having the whole place to yourself?"

 

Tell me the truth, Jared silently urged, wanting to hear something real from Jensen.

 

"Nothing much."

 

"Watch a movie? Read a book?"

 

"No."

 

Jensen did not want to say to Jared that he had gotten sick drunk and then just sick. He was ashamed of that and had no idea of the thoughts racing through Jared's mind. He only had his own guilty conscience to pay court to and it was gnawing at his belly. He was not even sure what he had said to Jeff, but he suspected it was a doozy of a talk. Jeff had made him promise to call him later on tonight to check in. Like he had to be accounted for all of a sudden. Jensen took off his jacket and let it fall to the foot of the bed.

 

"I hope it didn't bother you, me having Megan here. I mean, instead of you. We just needed to talk. I didn't want your feelings hurt-"

 

"No, no, I understand. I do. She needs her time with her brother. Of course she does." 

 

Rubbing over the back of his neck, he deeply sighed. Was it him or was Jared looking at him funny? Was it written all over his face that he had totally disgraced himself the night before? He bit into his bottom lip and lifted his eyes to Jared's.

 

"How're you feeling today?"

 

Jared wished Jensen had any other look on his face. God, he looked like he was on trial without a lawyer present. 

 

"I feel sick. Tired and sick. Ready to get out of here. Are you ready for me to come home?"

 

"Always." Jensen leaned over and brushed his lips to Jared's cheek, whispering. "I miss you like crazy."

 

Jared wished he could believe that, but he felt angry despite all his best intentions. Saying to himself that he wanted Jensen to be able to 'move on' after him was one thing, but Jensen actually doing it was a whole other issue. He wanted to demand Jensen never see Jeff again and then kiss his husband until his lips were sore from it. Until Jensen could not breathe without knowing who he belonged to. He wanted to wrap his hands bruisingly around what was his and just hold on. Mark Jensen and hear him say it was just for one night and he hated it. Never wanted Jeff again. But Jared did not say any of that. He just tried to be...fine with it.


	11. Chapter 11

The morning was deep and cold, a perfect time to be deep under the covers and asleep. Letting this alien time of darkness and loneliness pass over as you dreamt of sweeter things. Sleep was just not an option for everyone. Especially not Jeff Padalecki. He was up with his troubled mind, and neither one of them was going down until the other broke. He had paced his home from floor to floor, but the answers he was looking for were not waiting in the cozy beautiful rooms of his house. They were not lingering by the paintings he had bought with Samantha on their honeymoon in France. There were no epiphanies in the study that Sam left to him as his sole domain. His home was supposedly his fortress, the castle to his king, but he felt so ill at ease that he could not even relax enough to sit down. Because something, and it had to be a very big something, was terribly wrong in his world and family. He knew it. Had always known it, but managed to keep distracting himself away from really accepting it. Dealing with it. Those little incongruities about his brother had been there since he himself was a boy, and he had been overlooking the wrinkles in the fabric of their bond for so long it was second nature. The longevity of a wrong never made it right.

 

You wouldn't think that it would be a scary thing to be alone with your thoughts. As if they should be so familiar to you that they posed no threat. It was in his head, right? His life, his memories and choices. He shouldn't have anything to worry about just thinking. Only, Jeff knew better than that. At times like this, Jeff wished he could just turn his mind off. Not think, wonder or question. But Jensen had seen to it that he no longer had that luxury. There was no buffer now between Jeff's intelligence and the facade of truth that he had come to accept. There was just enough comfort in the not knowing that it became addictive. Jensen had come so perilously close to just dumping the truth on him, letting it hover over his head like a storm cloud pregnant with rain, before it was gone. The truth, it seemed, was bad enough that Jensen was willing to hide it for Jared's sake. Jensen, who never hid anything so far as Jeff had seen. Jensen was always the first to call people out on things he didn't like. He had amazed Jeff more than once with the things he would say to Jeff's parents. From telling them not to talk to Jared or his kids a certain way up to straight out telling them to leave the sheriff's office before someone got hurt.

 

Jeff had never questioned his parents and in return, they were happy with him. Proud. They did not send him away or make comments about him under their breath. What a trade off. His parents weren't crazy about him marrying Samantha and then, no grandchildren, but they accepted it. Jeff wished they were warmer towards his wife, but he kept telling her and himself, it was just a matter of time before they welcomed his wife completely, with open arms. He just had to keep them happy and he wouldn't lose their approval. Jeff had lived his whole life feeling like his parents could change their minds about him at any time. He could do something to make them decide he was not worthy of them and their praise. Because she was a bigger person than he was, it was his wife Sam that told him how he should not have to worry about that, period. No matter what he did. That he was walking an invisible tightrope and it was time to realize the rope was lying on the ground and he could step off easily without a fear of falling. All this time, he had been cocooning himself away from painful things hoping that he, with his family, could reach some new plateau together where everything was new, healthy and fine. A place they could all be happy if they just never talked about the past.

 

The past did not like being discarded so easily. The old wounds and buried memories were coming back up and making Jeff reevaluate everything he had swallowed down all these years. The threat of having Jared gone from his life, made him think more about the first time he had lost him. Why had his little brother been packed up and sent off like that? At the time, his parents had said it was because they had to focus on taking care of sick Uncle Curtis. They had told Jeff that Jared was too little to understand that Uncle Curtis needed special help and Jared was being too demanding. Because he knew his baby brother, Jeff had known then that there was something they weren't telling him. 

 

Knowing how important it was to Jeff to watch his horror movies, Jared had been the five-year old boy that would beg to stay up watching movies and then cry during the scary parts.If their parents had heard Jared so upset, both boys would have been sent straight to bed, no questions asked. So, Jared had made efforts to keep Jeff from ruining his brother's movie time, trying to keep it down when he was being such a chicken. Jeff had felt so moved by the sacrifice that he would reach down and curl an arm around his brother, holding him to his side and telling him when it was safe to look again. He had never lied to Jared about when he could lower the pillow. Not even once. Back then, he had been Jared's older brother- held that place in Jared's heart that Jeff sometimes felt their cousin James had taken. Jared was so close to James, and Jeff felt locked out of that.

 

There just never had been an aspect of Jared that suggested selfishness or arrogance. Every Christmas with Jared before he had left Gatlin, Jeff had always been amazed by how his little brother crowed happily for everyone unwrapping their presents. Not just for his own. He would clap his little hands and beam excitedly for every present, to every person- without fail. Jared had let countless toys leave his hands from giving them away to other kids until Jeff put a stop to that and told his kid brother he didn't have to share that much. So saying Jared was too wrapped up in himself to want Curtis helped? It didn't sit right. Not then and not now.

 

Being honest with himself, Jeff realized he had stuffed down his questions at the time, afraid he might be next. Or what if his Daddy had decided maybe he wasn't worth spending so much time with after all? It was painful to admit, even to himself in his private thoughts, but his silence on the matter had been bought and paid for with affections he should have just been given outright. His brother had been gone most of his young life except for summers and some holidays. Jared had been a visitor. His school pictures had come in the mail from Aunt Arlene and went up in matching frames on the wall with Jeff's and later Megan's, but that wasn't the same. It wasn't... right. Jared's laugh had been absent from their home, his big feet not stomping around. Jeff had missed out teaching his little brother anything before James did. He hadn't seen Jared take his first drink, kiss his first girl, none of it. 

 

Jeff and Megan had never been allowed to go to their Aunt Arlene's to visit their brother. Dalton had said it was bad enough that Arlene 'poisoned' Jared's mind against him. Jeff had never seen evidence of Jared being poisoned against their parents. Maybe Jared didn't marry the person they had wanted for him- but the same could be said for himself and Megan. Megan had her punker tattoo husband and Jeff had married a woman older than him that had a mind of her own. Susan and Dalton didn't approve of any of their childrens' matches- but Jensen was the one they really hated. Jensen didn't take much from them without giving some back and clarifying that they were out of bounds. 

 

He still remembered the night Jared had brought Jensen to his parents' home to meet the family. Seeing his brother holding hands with Jensen, Jeff had worried Jared was going into something blind. Jared had never dated men before and there was something so determined about Jensen that Jeff sensed early on that Jensen and Dalton would go head to head if it came to it. Jensen had called Dalton 'sir' and Susan 'ma'am', only reverting to a first name basis once he had married Jared. At the wedding reception, Susan had made a show of hugging Jensen and telling him he could call her 'mama' now. Jared didn't even do that. Jensen had smiled tightly and remarked, "I already have a mother, Susan. Thank you for the offer, but Susan's fine."

 

The way Jared had gazed at his new husband had set the tone of the evening. Lights seemed to shine brighter and tastes were sweeter, because Jared was so happy and in love. The joy of the newlyweds had spread over their guests and Jeff had accepted Jensen then and there. Anyone that could make his brother that happy was good by him.

 

But they weren't able to stay in that moment forever.

 

Jeff was struggling with the memories and all the things Jensen had said to him, trying to find some peace. It wasn't coming. He knew exactly how sick his little brother was. He was under no illusions about Jared's condition. Jared was strong and young. He was fighting every step of the way, but there were complications already. Jared did not like taking his pain medications or having the port put into his clavicle area. Jeff had done the procedure himself, seeing how Jared turned his head and looked at the wall like maybe it could be happening to someone else's body. Not his. Jared's eyes had seemed aged with sadness, like rainwater over cold stones, so faraway. Jeff had been silent during the simple surgery, his brother had so much on his mind. Banter seemed terrifically out of place in the moment. It was one thing to say that the port was going to make life easier on Jared, it was another to have such a thing placed in your own body.The port-a-cath was a small medical appliance placed beneath Jared's skin. Not deep, but held in place by the regrown flesh around it. The catheter connected a healthy vein and a silicone diaphragm that could be safely reused many times for injections and blood withdrawal, making it easier for Jared to host his I.V.s or have blood samples taken.

Jeff had explained to his brother that it was less painful over all than several needles sticking him a day, but he understood why it bothered Jared. It was attached to the patient, literally under their skin. It was in even when Jared was allowed to go home to his family between rounds of chemo. It was not huge, by any means, just a rise under the skin like a quarter-sized bubble- but it was foreign to Jared. It was another indignity amongst many. Jeff hated to see his brother's bright smile dimming and then becoming a mere sketch of what it used to be as the simple surgery was completed. 

 

"Ask your Dad what he said about Jared. Ask your mom. Look at them and for once be there for your little brother. He needs you, Jeff. He *needs* you. Jared still holds out hope that maybe- someday- you’ll be the big brother he keeps imagining. But you can’t be any good to anybody until you can see what’s right in front of you.”

 

Jensen's voice rang in his mind and Jeff felt it all over again. Jensen was incredulous over him, over the choices he had made as a man, a husband and brother. Jensen was pushing hard and Jeff knew he was being...afraid. He was afraid to open the closed door right in front of him. Hearing that Jared needed him appealed to that kid he had been. The older brother that was needing to re-emerge to take care of his little brother in Jared's time of need. The one that held onto his baby brother when no one was looking and had missed out on having Jared grow up to be his best friend. Jeff felt tears fill his eyes as shame swamped his heart. What had he traded for his parents' approval? God.

 

His hands covered his face as he felt himself shaking all over. If Jared was gone tomorrow, he asked himself, would he be able to accept the way things were between them? Or would he wake up every day and wish he could tell his brother all the things he had never said to anybody about how he felt without Jared in his childhood? Their childhood. It had belonged to both of them. They had both been cheated of one another. He made a choked sound as the memories and present seemed to build up and wait to crash down on him.

 

Hearing her husband's smothered sound, Samantha awoke from a deep sleep. She saw her husband standing by the window of their bedroom as she rolled over onto her side in bed. She squinted to make out his tall frame silhouetted by moonlight, seeing that something was wrong. Of course something was wrong. She knew Jeff was going crazy worrying about Jared. She slipped out of their bed, walking over to stand behind her husband. Sam rested one hand to his back, whispering.

 

"Honey?"

 

Jeff turned to look at her and he hugged her tight enough that it hurt a little.

 

"Sam, I need to go talk to my Dad."

 

"Right now? Jeff, it's four in the morning."

 

"It's a long time coming. What time it is now don't much matter."

 

She heard him drawling and knew it was a sign of how upset he was. Pure country boy was in Jeff's voice and she knew he was already out the door, his body just hadn't made it there yet.

 

"You want me to drive you?"

 

"No." Jeff kissed her lips softly. "I need to do this one on my own. No matter how it goes. He needs to explain some things to me... to my satisfaction. Until I quit asking."

 

Samantha's eyes were clouded with worry and she hugged herself tightly when he moved away from her. She was not sure what Jeff had to say to his parents- she could think of plenty herself- but she knew her husband. If he was going to wake his folks at this hour, he meant business. Jeff was going out to ask questions and get some anwers. That was all well and good, but the past wasn't always docile when disturbed. She hoped he was ready for whatever he unearthed tonight.

 

"Jeff-"

 

"I'll be home soon. Don't worry. I have to do this."

 

"I understand. I love you."

 

"I love you too, Sam."

 

He nodded, and he was leaving their home soon after. He drove across town to his parents' home and knocked on the heavy wooden door that had seemed so forbidding when he was small. The house was huge, having to be able to keep up with Dalton and Susan's standards just as surely as their children were expected to. The house was made of heavy blue-grey stone, hosting rooms they never used and a showcase of a first floor for anyone that came calling. Jeff never felt exactly comfortable here. He hadn't even as a child. He was a grown man now, but he knew his father might never forgive him for the skeletons he wanted hauled out of the family closet. Which was too damned bad for his Daddy because he was asking regardless of how much fun it was for anybody.

 

Dalton answered the door, his robe tied over his pajamas. He looked at Jeff and then saw his son's eyes were red-rimmed from crying. He stepped back.

 

"Come on in, Jeff. You alright, son? Jared okay?"

 

"Jared is home right now. For now." Jeff answered, taking off his jacket as he entered his parents' home. He was not sure how to even start this talk with his father, but he had to. He wondered if his father even kept track of when Jared was in or out of the hospital. The days Jared spent at home were fewer now. Jeff hated that his baby brother was in the hospital now more than he was. He was a doctor, he belonged in the hospital. Jared didn't. Jeff was only half listening to himself when he spoke. 

"Jared's not doing so well, Dad. He's starting on more meds for the pain and to sleep."

 

"I know, it's hard. Your mother is torn all to pieces." 

Dalton sounded mildly concerned, more like an automatic reaction. Such as you'd hear if someone said their dog died. You would hear a sympathetic gasp before the words even fully processed.

 

It bothered Jeff that his father spoke in reference to his mother's pain more than Jared's. As if Jared was an afterthought to what Susan might be going through. The cause of her distress, not the one really suffering in truth. Jeff looked at his father's craggy face and wondered why Dalton had no idea how he was being scrutinized. Because he takes me for granted, Jeff answered himself, I've never been a problem before. He walked with his father into the den and sat on the chair facing his father's, looking on as his dad packed his pipe. Settling in for a chat. Mentally apologizing to Jensen, Jeff cleared his throat and murmured.

 

"Daddy, we need to talk. About some things I've been told. As your son, I need to know the truth."

 

"The truth about what?" Dalton asked, brows rising. Jeff sounded like he was walking on glass here.

 

"The truth about Jared and Uncle Curtis. I need to know. Jensen told me all Jared'd told him- everything. Now I want to know what you have to say. I have a right. I'm in this family too. I have a right to know what's going on. I can't defend or understand much when I don't know your side of things. You can change that. Tell me what happened then. All those years ago."

 

Dalton gaped for a moment, looking like a fish out of water and needing it bad. He grimaced in distaste and could just imagine the things Jensen might have to say about him and choices he had made in his life. The bastard had been under Dalton's skin since the first time Jared brought him home. Jared had introduced Jensen as his boyfriend like there wasn't a thing wrong with it. Jensen Ackles had looked at Dalton as if he was seeing right through him and didn't care for the view. Dalton had tried to bluster his way through that first meeting, but nothing made Jensen nervous, or take off and leave Jared. None of Dalton's efforts in downtalking Jensen had ever broke them up and now Jensen was in his damned family. At least, as long as Jared was alive.

 

"Listen here, Jeff. There's a lot that's in the past for a reason. That's where it belongs. For everyone's sakes."

"Should I ask Curtis? Would he tell me what my own father won't? You didn't do anything wrong, right, Daddy? So just tell me. I am asking you as calm as I can. I need to know."

 

Lips turning down in disgust and grudging acceptance, Dalton shook his head. God only knew what Jensen had told Jeff. The recycled lies from Jared could poison Jeff's mind if it wasn't caught in time.

 

"What you need to remember is, this was before I knew anything much about how vulnerable a drinker can be. What kind of crazy can get to them when they're trying to stop the drinking. It's painful for them. It messed Curtis up like you can't imagine. The shakes and puking. The crying. He wanted it real bad, and to save his life, my brother's life, I brought him here to live with us. As a family. We were able to help him more than those rehab folks had. He was on a string, Jeff. Seriously was. He was half dead by the time I got him. I couldn't turn him out or away. He needed his family."

 

He looked hard to Jeff and his son nodded for him to go on, not a single hint of his thoughts on his face.

 

"You know Jared's always been a different sort of boy. Hell, nowadays they come right out and say kids are born the way he is."

 

"The way he is?" Jeff asked, not understanding.

 

"Gay." Dalton said pointedly. "Jared has that immorality in him. Oh, I know you don't want to call it that. You want to say the things he does are fine and good. His choice and what have you. But it don't say that in the Bible or in nature. I keep it to myself most of the time but I wish he'd have kept it quiet if he had to be that way. If he couldn't control it, at least be discreet. He just don't have it in him to think past the lusting, no matter what happens. He never even tried to get help. Your mother and I offered to get him counselling to help him get past it, but he wanted to stay like he is. With Jensen. Wanted that life, and now he has it."

 

"What are you saying?" Jeff questioned faintly, his chest locking up. The segue about Jared made no sense. What did Jared's sexuality have to do with their uncle's drinking problem? Why was his father even mentioning one after the other and looking so damned sure of himself? It didn't make any kind of sense. Nothing that Jeff wanted to think about. He hated the comments his father was making about his brother. Jared had never told him any of this. There had been no mention from Jared of their parents wanting to send him to a psychologist to correct his sexuality. That was ludicrous. Then to hear how his father seemed to think that Jared deserved some bad fate because he was gay? Jeff was besieged by all the things he wanted to say, but he wanted his father to keep talking. Dalton was not clamming up yet.

 

"I'm saying that it wasn't Curtis' fault. Jared was the one with that in his head. Jared's that way. Curtis was sick. He was sick from drink and drugs. He had fallen away from the Lord and then there was Jared. Misleading him. Jared was tempting Curtis. Taking the love his uncle tried to give him and making it something wrong. You see what I'm saying?"

 

This must be how a shell felt when someone held it up to let the air whistle through it, open, cold and filled with white noise. Jeff was a little dizzy even sitting down as he reeled with the shock of his father's words. What his father believed and God, what Jared had gone through. As a small child. He did not want to ask anything more, but he had to. He was here now, had come so late- but he was here and he was going to know. Jeff closed his eyes and bowed his head, speaking quietly.

 

"Jared made Curtis molest him?"

 

"It wasn't like that, Jeff. Jared knew what he was doing. Even after I took him up to his room, Jared was asking me what was wrong.What he'd done to make his mama and me so upset. Like there was nothing wrong at all with what he was doing. Don't you see, Jeff? Jared's never been different. He was like this from day one, son. Shaming his family and then wanting everyone to help him pick up the pieces. Always wanting someone else to fix his messes."

 

"What about Curtis? Did he not know what he was doing?" Jeff's voice betrayed him, deepening to a snarl. "To a five year old boy?"

 

For the first time, Dalton heard something frightening in his oldest son's voice.

 

"Jeff, Curtis wasn't right in the head."

 

"Curtis was touching Jared. A little bitty boy. Your son. Your SON!"

 

Jeff surged to his feet and faced his startled father, seeing things he didn't want to see. But here it was. The thing that had made Jensen sick to keep from him. No wonder. God damn him and his father both, Jeff thought bleakly.

 

"You packed Jared off and blamed him for your brother being a pedophile and getting off on touching your baby. What did you let him do to Jared? What did you let happen? Oh my God. You should have protected your son. Don't you *know* that? You make me sick!"

 

"Son-"

 

"Don't call me that. For the first time in my life it makes me ashamed to *be* your son."

 

Jeff picked up his jacket, seeing his mother hovering in the doorway, looking white as a sheet. Wasn't that just like her. To never directly engage. To close her eyes and let it all pass her by. Even if it meant her own son was molested and then shipped off. He shook his head sadly to her, seeing her guilt written all over her face. When he could talk, he croaked out his words.

 

"Wherever it is Jared goes for his holidays besides here, I'm begging him to let me and Sam come too. I don't want to make any more mistakes with my brother than I already have. I wish I could take it all back. I wish I had been old enough to save him from Curtis and the both of you. Since I can't turn back time, all I can do is try to be worth a damn now."

 

Susan had a hand to her throat, shaking as she saw their pride and joy turning on them like something wild.

 

"Jeff, please, you don't-"

 

"I mean every word. My brother. My little brother. You two were the best he had to keep him safe? Goddamnit."

He shoved past his father, walking to the door and knowing he was leaving them in complete shock. He had beent their prize for so long. He had achieved every goal they wanted for him, if you didn't count grandchildren. Jeff had been their golden boy and now he saw how empty and disgusting a claim that could be. He paused on his way out the door.

 

"And for the record? Jensen never told me a word. You did that all on your own. The both of you are dead to me. You aren't welcome at my house. I hope you both burn in hell."

Jeff slammed the door behind him after he left, not even caring when his father yelled for him to come back.

***

 

Jeff started to go home to Sam, and then he couldn't. He had left this in the wrong for too long to let another hour go by. He drove to Jensen and Jared's house instead. He knocked on their front door, seeing it was just before seven in the morning now. He winced at that even as he heard footsteps on the stairs. The door opened and Jensen looked out at him, obviously already up for the day. Jensen was dressed in jeans and a t-shirt, fresh from the shower. He looked at Jeff intently. Jensen was not new to seeing people hinging on shock or distress. It was his day to day life even before Jared became ill. Taking it in stride, Jensen tried to make it easier on his brother-in-law.

 

"Morning, Jeff. Coffee?"

 

"Yes. Please."

 

Going into the Ackles' house, Jeff felt like he was either doing what was exactly right or totally wrong. He could not quite call it. He shifted his weight from one foot to the other and thanked Jensen for the mug of coffee he was handed. Since Jensen was looking at him but being too polite to just demand answers, Jeff had a few swallows of coffee, finally mustering up some nerve.

 

"I took your advice. I talked to my parents. Really talked. Mostly to my father. I know now what happened. I never knew before and that's on me, Jensen."

 

Jensen raised both brows at Jeff's words and then resumed a poker face that came with his profession. He kept his tone even, not wanting Jeff to feel judged right now. It was true he had wanted to strangle Jeff for being so in his parents' pockets that Jeff was useless to Jared, but people could change. It could happen.

 

"No. You were a kid. Don't be taking on things outside of yourself, Jeff."

 

"Look who's talking."

 

Jensen's mild look sharpened and he looked at Jeff for a suspended moment.

 

"So you came over to talk to Jared?"

 

"Yeah. We have a lot of talking to do. Things I need to say."

 

"He's up in bed. Sort of watching television. You can go on up."

 

"You staying down here?"

 

"Do you want me to come with?"

 

Jeff squared his shoulders. "No, I expect not." He started to turn and then looked back to Jensen, seeing his brother-in-law getting out eggs and bread to start the kids' breakfast. "Thank you."

 

"For what?" Jensen was clearly wondering what he might have done to earn a thanks from Jeff.

 

"For pushing. Making me ...start to be who I'm supposed to be."

 

Uncomfortable, Jensen barely looked at Jeff. He was not about to take credit for Jeff standing up to his parents and doing what was right. He wasn't sure what to say, and decided to just go with what he felt was most important.

 

"Go talk to your brother."

 

Jeff nodded and left the room, wondering what all Jensen had said in his head before settling on those five words instead. He went upstairs, hearing the boys and Maggie in the master bedroom. With Jared. When he entered the room, he saw Missouri was sitting by the window, working on a cross-stitch as the children lay over Jared, watching cartoons.

 

"Morning."

 

Jeff's arrival was met with 'Uncle Jeff' from the boys and a happy squeal from Maggie. He kissed them all and then looked to his brother.

 

"I was wondering if we might talk?"

 

Missouri stood and picked up Maggie, even as the baby girl pouted and reached for Jared. "You'll just have to settle for me for spell, baby girl." Missouri smiled, patting the infant's back. "Come on boys, let's go down and be underfoot in the kitchen. Don't want Daddy getting lonely down there...I'll be back to bring you some breakfast." She said the last words pointedly to Jared and then nodded to Jeff.

 

"Don't go making him tired. He falls asleep you hush up."

 

"Yes ma'am."

 

The Padalecki boys spoke in unison and then smiled to each other as they were left alone.

 

"Have a seat, Jeff."

 

Jared frowned in worry over his brother's state, seeing how red Jeff's eyes were. The slump to his broad shoulders. Jeff sat in the chair next to the bed and leaned forward, taking Jared's hand when it was offered.

"Jeff? You're looking a fright. What happened?"

 

Jeff tried to smile for his brother but it fell through. He was hugging Jared, guilt slamming into him. He felt so ashamed, as if it was ground into the pores of his skin.

 

"Jared, I am so sorry. I never ever should have made you deal with them on your own. Just believing what they told me. I was a damned fool idiot and I can't ever make it up to you."

 

Tensing, Jared was still at a loss, but suspicions were blooming in his mind. Jensen surely never would have told Jeff anything he wasn't supposed to. Right? Jared blinked and hugged Jeff as tightly as he could manage.

 

"Jeff, you don't owe me anything. You're my brother. 

 

You've never done me wrong."

 

"Yes. Yes, I did."

 

Lifting his head, Jeff met Jared's eyes.

 

"I owed you being your brother. Your big brother. I never knew before, Jared. I made our father tell me. I made him tell me exactly what happened..."

 

"Oh no...-"

 

Jared felt his heart twinge in emotional pain. He was not sure he was ready for Jeff to know the secret. The Secret. It was shameful and humiliating, even when he reminded himself that he was a little boy when that happened to him. Jared still had remnants of shame from the experience, fuelled by his parents' actions and the things they had said to him in the moment and over the years. He did not want Jeff to think of him that way. To ever think he brought it all on himself just by being there. His parents always made him feel he had deserved the abuse for being around Curtis and being innocent, a lovely child. He had, in their minds, brought it on himself. He had never told on Curtis, they had reasoned, so he must have deserved it. Wanted it.

 

"Yes. Jared. I needed to know. I should have asked a long time ago, and kept asking until they answered me, told me the truth." 

 

Jeff reached up to cup his brother's face in his hands. He could feel how Jared was trembling and knew he was too.

 

"Jared, no more secrets. I let it go all this time. I was afraid to know. Look what I did. Look what I did...to us. I love you, little brother. I love you so much. I am never speaking to them again. Neither one of them."

 

"Jeff-"

 

"I made that choice for myself. I won't back down. I'm afraid of what I might do if I have to see them. I can't be nice, Jared. I don't have it in me."

 

"Let's not talk about them. Not right now. They've had enough of our time, don't you think?" Jared hugged his brother gently. "I just wish I could've spared you... knowing."

 

"I wasn't in a better place not knowing if you weren't there. I should have been with you all along."

 

"I never told you. I didn't want to make things worse. I wanted to have something like family."

 

"You do have family, Jared. Not 'something like' either. You have Jensen, your children.So many people love you. I love you. You don't need *our parents* to have 'family."

 

The words sank in and Jared realized how true it was. Maybe he had been getting used to the thought for some time because it drifted down into his mind like it had always been there. Accepted. He had put up with a lot from his parents to see his siblings, but now Meg knew his final wishes and she hadn't gone anywhere. Jared had worried that in telling Megan his wishes for his funeral arrangements that she might withdraw from him. That his sister would tell his parents and let him deal with them himself. Not that he wouldn't, but he took comfort in Megan's acceptance. She knew his wishes and understood him. Vowed to see them through. Now, Jeff was here and saying things Jared had never even dreamt of hearing from him. Hissister and brother weren't going to leave him. No matter what they knew about him or how his parents acted. He wasn't losing his siblings. He smiled tearfully to Jeff and hugged him.

 

"I don't have words."

 

"That's a first." Jeff teased and then hugged his brother tighter. "Can it be a new day, Jay? For us? Can I make it up to you-"

 

"We're together. We don't have to fix the past and we can't. I don't hold any grudges against you. I love you. Just have some peace, Jeff. Let it be, okay? For our sake."

 

"Okay. Alright."

 

Jeff said it was fine, but it wasn't close to fine yet, in his heart. He was going to have a journey when it came to forgiving himself for all the years lost. All the times he had unfairly got in Jared's face over avoiding family dinners and Curtis specifically. Jared was forgiving, and Jeff almost wished his brother would rail at him. Make it harder on him to earn that grace, but that wasn't Jared's way. Never had been. Jeff would have to find his own atonement by making the rest of their time together good. To give Jared the brother he should have had all along. It was a start. The brothers found their new bond over scrambled eggs and toast, most of which Jeff ate. He new it was more than the food that made it the most precious breakfast he had ever had.

***

 

The next day...

 

'I saw you from far away, like a kid might see a star, but you were even better up close. Not because of how beautiful you are, but because you were shining even brighter when you looked back to me. The greatest, sweetest surprise of my life. If I had known then how much I was going to love you I would have ran even faster to be with you, to start on us. I've never been so happy.'

Jared read the words on the faded index card, remembering Jensen reading them aloud to him as part of his wedding vows. Jensen's own words, his handwritten vows to his new husband. A first for them both, being married, starting their life together. The small white card that held Jensen's tight script had been folded and unfolded until now it was as soft as cotton. Jared put the card back in his wallet, wondering why he had to carry the piece of paper around now. Did it make it more real when Jensen smiled at him or hugged him? Did it take away the fact that they weren't sleeping with each other? Make it all better? Jared put his wallet away, knowing he wouldn't be able to go long without touching the vows again. He liked remembering when Jensen could not keep his hands to himself. That hadn't been so long ago, but it felt like years. Like another life.

 

He looked over to where his husband was sleeping, seeing how Jensen kept kicking the blankets and turning in his rest. Not settled into it at all. Of course, Jensen was sleeping in his t-shirt and flannel pants, and Jared wished he wasn't. He wanted to see Jensen, feel him. It was just that Jensen seemed a million miles away from him. Some of it was Jared's own distrust and he knew that. He could not bring himself to ask Jensen about that night with Jeff. He could not shape the words. If Jensen said it was true, he didn't know what he would do. He could not imagine what his reaction might be if Jensen nodded and his green eyes held apology and pity. Jared could not see that look from Jensen and be the same ever again. He went to sit on the bed they shared, reaching over to run his palm over Jensen's shoulder, down his arm.

Should he be able to see it on Jensen if Jeff was touching him like this?

 

There should be evidence smeared over Jensen's skin, as pale as washed out watercolors over vellum. Some hint that Jensen was giving his body to another and bringing only part of his heart home afterwards. Jensen's lashes lifted as he huffed softly in his sleep, one hand lifting to close around Jared's. So warm to Jared's cool touch.

 

"What's the matter?" Jensen whispered, not sure why he was awake or when he had fallen asleep. Rest came hard-won anymore and he didn't want to admit it but he hardly slept when Jared wasn't with him. "Why're you up so early, Jay?"

 

"Not able to sleep."

 

Jensen slid his fingers between Jared's and pulled him down, under the covers. He snuggled his husband, trying to ease him, but Jared still felt tense in his arms.

"You need one of the pills to sleep?"

 

"No." It was daylight and Jared wanted to be awake to see the children, to make the trip he had promised the boys. He didn't want another day blurring away in between naps and bad television.

 

"But you-"

 

"I said no, damn it!"

 

Jared pulled away from Jensen and got out of bed. He saw Jensen's hurt look and felt helplessly confused himself. Why was he doing this? His anger was so sudden and sharp. Part of it stemmed from not knowing who his husband was in love with. Sleeping with.There was nothing like reaching out to your lover and being turned down. Jensen had never done that to him before. Jensen had not even reacted to Jared's hand on him. Jared had been asking without words, touching Jensen in just the right way, before he was left cold. Jensen didn't want him. Not sexually. Jensen had carefully taken Jared's hand from his groin, explaining that he didn't want to hurt him. Like he was made of glass. Jared had felt hurt mixed in strongly with distrust. What if Jensen had already decided to be faithful to his affair with Jeff? Jensen was like that. Jared should know. The minute they had started sleeping together, Jensen had been monogamous. Solely his own. What if he was wrong in his suspicions about his husband? Maybe Jensen was innocent, but if so, then why did he seem to be hiding something? It made Jared feel more on edge than before. He walked into their bathroom and closed the door, not wanting Jensen to see him have to sit down right away. He was so tired. It didn't take much and he felt worn out. They should be happy, having a good time. He had promised the boys they could go to Austin to see Arlene and Jamie. He meant to go and keep his word.

 

"Jared?"

 

His husband sounded worried, and he heard Jensen lean to the bathroom door, knew exactly the frown that would be on his face.

 

"Are you alright?"

 

"I'll let you know if I need anything. Just give me a minute."

 

Jensen pressed a hand to the closed door, wishing he knew what he had said to upset Jared. Make him pull away like that. Maybe it was because of last night. Jared had wanted to make love and Jensen...? He just couldn't. His body hadn't responded one bit and he'd had to tell Jared he worried over hurting him. That they couldn't make love, he couldn't do it. It was the truth. Nothing less than the truth. Thinking of penetrating Jared and being too rough or lost in the moment? It killed his desire. He could not bear to harm Jared in any way. Jared had just stared at him like he was being gutted and Jensen felt that too. No amount of trying to explain had fixed it. Jared had just hissed for him to go to sleep. Now it seemed their bad night was making its way into their morning. 

 

"Alright. I'm going down to start breakfast. Pancakes sound okay?"

 

"Like I'm going to be eating."

 

Jensen flinched and sighed softly, not knowing what else to say. Jared sounded bitter, but so tired too. Jeff and Dr. Behr had explained that Jared's medications would play with his moods. Depression and anxiety were running high now as well. Jared had prescriptions for his pain and for his depression, but Jensen was not one hundred percent sure Jared took them like he was supposed to. He walked away from the closed door and gave it one last long look before heading downstairs. 

 

Getting the twins and Maggie dressed, Jensen had his morning coffee with Missouri before he was fixing breakfast. He was taking some personal days to be home with Jared, and he tried to think of something they could do besides driving to Austin. He didn't feel Jared was really up to the trip, but it was going to be an argument talking him out of it. That was fine. Jensen could handle being the bad guy when it meant Jared not exhausting himself.

 

When Jared never came down for breakfast, Jensen made sure Aunt Missouri was fine with the kids before he went up to check on Jared. He peeked into their bedroom to see Jared in bed, apparently resting. He was lying over the top of the blankets, watching the ceiling or half asleep.

 

"Hey..." Jensen spoke softly, walking over to their bed. "You're going to get chilly. You know you don't sleep right without a blanket. Probably the boogie man thing." He pulled the comforter up from the base of their bed and started draping it over his husband. "I never like my toes out either." When there was no response, he looked to Jared's face again. "Baby?"

 

Jared did not say anything, just a low choked moan came from his throat and Jensen fumbled for the bedside lamp, almost knocking it over as he turned it on. Seeing his husband's head lolling to the side, Jensen flashed hot and then cold with fear. Jared was not 'there'. He was staring at nothing, eyes dilated and his skin too pale. Jensen bellowed for Missouri even as he reached for the phone, dropping it once from his shaking hand. His aunt was at the door in seconds and then she was telling the boys to go back downstairs to the living room with their sister. She had to say it more than once before the twins obeyed. 

 

Missouri heard Jensen talking to Jeff as she checked Jared's pulse and felt how rapid it was. Like he was running a race. 

 

"Jensen take him to the hospital. I'm here with the children. You just need to go, honey. Just go, right now."

Jeff was asking about symptoms and Jensen heard his aunt saying 'now'. He told Jeff, "I'm taking him in. I'm sorry. I can't stay on the phone."

 

Because he didn't know what was wrong, Jensen thought, but he didn't say it. He had already hung up the phone. Missouri had to help him get Jared down the stairs, and then into the back seat. Jared wasn't as heavy as he should have been, but he was long. All legs and arms and Jensen didn't want to accidentally bang him against anything. It scared him to death hearing the hoarse sounds Jared made from the backseat as he was racing to get to the emergency room. When one of Jared's legs slid from the cushioned seat and hit the floorboard, Jensen jumped and had to remember Jared was right there. Just keep driving.

 

He was met at the E.R. by Jeff and Jason Behr both. They had Jared on a gurney before he was being rapidly wheeled to the back. Jensen started to follow but a nurse detained him. Asking him what Jared had taken that morning. Hands to his head, Jensen started listing off the vitamins, painkillers, nausea meds, antibiotics and antidepressants. All he could think of. He felt like his mouth was full of sawdust as he watched the nurse misspelling Cyclobenzaprine, knowing he was losing it for noticing that. Jesus. He heard a yell from the back, past the swinging doors and he knew it was Jared. Jared was yelling for him. He heard his name clear as day. Three orderlies came out to 'explain' to him that he needed to calm down and could not go back to his husband.They weren't rough with him, but they made it clear he was not going back to where he was needed most. Jensen could hear nothing but Jared calling out to him, begging aloud 'Can someone just find my husband? Please? Please?'

 

Jason Behr heard another orderly being called to the front desk and snapped, "Let him come back here. He's been in the E.R. plenty. Let Jensen come back..."

The doctors were joined by Jensen soon after, but it did nothing to calm Jared. Jensen took Jared's flailing hand and gripped hard, saying, "Jared, baby, Jared! I'm here. I'm right here."

 

Jared made a frightened sound and tried to draw back from Jensen before he was pleading. "Please. Jensen. Please get Jensen. He'll come. Just tell him I need him. Please? Please..."

 

Jensen realized even if Jared's eyes were open, he was seeing whatever was going on in his head. He was having hallucinations and not even recognizing where he was, or who was with him. Face wet with tears, Jensen stood barefoot next to the bed as Jason and Jeff were rapidly conferring with each other, trying to keep Jared from rising up off the bed. Jensen kept talking to Jared, his voice having some effect. Jared would stop at least long enough to listen to him, and Jensen kept that line to his husband strong. He did not stop his low voice, both of his hands wrapped around Jared's. 

 

"Baby, they're going to help you. We're at the hospital. It's Jeff and Jason. They're going to help you and you'll be able to tell better what's going on. They're going to figure out what's wrong and they're going to fix it. Just relax. I'm not going anywhere. I'm right here. You're not alone."

 

"I can't really see." Jared whispered the words like a child.

 

Jensen swallowed hard. He knew Jared's vision was not actually at risk or affected, but the hallucinations were extremely disorienting, confusing. Jared kept closing his eyes or barely opening them, afraid to even relax. Jensen trembled from the feeling of helplessness, seeing the man he loved having to suffer.

 

"I am looking out for you, Jay. Standing here, and nothing can hurt you, you hear me? I know it's scary but it's going to be okay..."

 

Jared drifted off not long afterward and Jensen was hardly able to form words. But he tried.

 

"What happened?"

 

Jason shook his head and explained gently. "Jared's body chemistry is fragile right now, Jensen. He reacted badly to his morning dosage and it was an overdose. He took-"

"Did he take more than you fucking told him to take?"

"No, Jensen, but what you need to understand-"

 

"I understand his doctors should have known this might happen. That he should have been warned. I should have been told."

 

Jason inhaled deeply before slowly exhaling. "Jensen, there was no way to know he would be too frail-"

 

"He's not frail." Jensen hated the word applied to his husband. The love of his life. He looked to Jeff. "Is he okay?"

 

"Yes." Jeff looked as strained as Jensen did. He nodded to his brother-in-law. "He's going to rest. We'll keep him for now and check his levels. Reevaluate his medication schedule."

 

So it was all just a bad trip, Jensen thought but did not say. He was almost lost for words. He followed the orderlies upstairs when Jared was moved into a room. Re-admitted after only being out for three days. Jensen felt his stomach drop out when they were changing Jared back into the hospital issue robe. Jensen knew Jared would want clothes from home, at least his pants, but he had not brought anything with him. He noticed then that he wasn't wearing any shoes himself. It didn't really register. 

 

"Jensen?"

 

Jared was awake enough to say his name and Jensen stood close to his husband as he was being helped into bed. "Right here, Jay."

 

"What are you doing? Why am I here?"

 

"Jared, there's a problem with your meds..."

 

"But I did it right."

 

"I know, honey, but-"

 

"I don't want to be here."

 

"I know-"

 

"Jensen, take me home. Take me home. I had more time. Please. Home?"

 

"I can't-" Jensen's throat was hurting from the words he had to say.

 

"How long'm I here? Few hours? Three hours?"

 

Jared was still almost asleep, out of it as the chemicals worked through him and messed with his mind. Jensen dismissed the orderlies with a look and then started pulling the stiff blankets up over his husband gently.

 

"I don't know, babe. Might be one night. Maybe more. I don't know."

 

"No."

 

Jensen saw Jared's face fall as he was crying, so miserable that it rolled from him in waves. Jensen sat to the edge of the bed, not looking away from Jared when the nurse came in to affix an I.V. to the port, her sympathetic eyes on them both. Jensen put his face close to Jared's on the too-white pillow. He leaned in and kissed a tear from Jared's lashes.

 

"I know, baby. I'm sorry. I know you don't want to be here. I don't want you to be here either. But we have to."

 

"Please?"

 

Reaching over Jared, Jensen held him across his belly, fingers to the bumps of his husband's spine. He touched the parchment fine skin revealed by the hospital robe and felt his heart break even deeper.

 

"I'll stay with you. I won't go anywhere. I swear, Jay.

I'm right here. I love you."

 

"I want to go home."

 

"I know."

 

Jared moved until his brow touched Jensen's and he opened his glazed hazel eyes. "Don't let them put me in the dark."

 

"Never." Jensen whispered.

 

"I was in the dark too long."

 

"I won't let a thing happen to you."

 

"I love you, Jen."

 

"I love you too, baby."

 

"Don't go."

 

"No. No one's going anywhere."

 

"Am I still like a star...?"

 

"Aw...Jay..." Jensen had to tip his head back, and then he licked hot tears from his lips, nodding. "You're brighter than a star. You're the most beautiful thing I've ever seen."

 

"Good. That's good." Jared murmured the words and fell asleep once more. When his eyes fully closed, his hand clenched hard to Jensen's as if afraid of even that much darkness.

 

"This is the way the world ends 

This is the way the world ends 

This is the way the world ends 

Not with a bang but a whimper. "

T.S. Eliot (The Hollow Men)


	12. Chapter 12

Caleb was learning it wasn't a good idea to fight with one's brother. Because they might hit really hard. Like they didn't care if either one of you made it out alive. This, of course, prompted Caleb to fight back harder himself. It was a matter of not being demolished at this point. The twins were scrapping viciously in the living room, making little noise under the sound of the television. It had all started when Mac tried to watch Die Hard. On cable. Which meant it was rated R. Caleb had stood by the side as his twin watched Bruce Willis saying curse words, hands to his hips just like his Papa would do.

 

"Turn it, Mac. You can't watch this. It's rated R."

 

"Shh, shut up, Caleb. This is a good part."

 

Caleb had looked at his brother in growing upset before he pushed the side of Mac's seat, but the big recliner didn't budge. All the little boy rage boiling up in Caleb was making his fair face flush bright red.

 

"Change the channel, MAC! Right now! You know better!"

 

"Shut up, Caleb. You're not the boss of me. GEEZ. It's just a movie."

 

"It's just a movie PAPA wouldn't want you watching. But since he's not here...you act like he doesn't even matter! Like what he wants doesn't matter! Do you want him to never come home again?"

 

Mac had turned his head to give his brother a disbelieving look. The way Mac saw it, he was tired from a long day at school, Aunt Missouri was upstairs with Maggie, Daddy was at work for another hour or so. There was no reason in the world not to watch whatever he wanted to- except for Caleb throwing a hissy fit. Caleb acting like watching a movie was so bad and going against their Papa was too much. It was far from true. Mac would have tried to watch the movie regardless of who was home until one of his fathers told him to stop. Caleb was just freaking out. Being mean too. So, feeling daring and very on edge himself, Mac had leaned in towards his brother and whispered.

 

"Fuck you."

 

Shocked, Caleb had opened his eyes wide before he decided to show Mac he did not appreciate being talked to that way. He chose to display his upset by punching his brother in the head.

 

With a yowl, Mac had launched himself from the recliner and they were punching, kicking and having at it when their Daddy entered the living room. Jensen pulled his boys apart and gave them both the Look as he saw Mac's lip was bleeding and Caleb had the beginning of a black eye. The twins both looked like puppies tucking their tails when their Daddy was glaring down at them, tired and agitated from a long day's work and all the stress he was under. They started defending themselves right away, both pointing and loudly explaining their case as they were nudged towards the sofa.

 

"Stop. Stop! Not another word."

 

Jensen held up both hands and then when there was a moment's silence, he eyed his sons.

 

"Are you the same Caleb and Cormac Ackles that expect to go to baseball camp this summer? Those boys?"

 

When they appeared chastened and a little worried over the fate of baseball camp, Jensen relaxed.

 

"There is no fighting in this house. We do not put our hands on each other in anger. How many times have you been told that? Do I need to hire a babysitter just for you two? Tell Gramma Ackles to come and watch you because you're not the big boys I thought you were?"

 

"No, Daddy." Caleb readily reassured him. "We won't fight any more."

 

Jensen turned off the television with the remote and looked at his sons again. "No television for two days. None. Or movies. No video games either. Nothing. You can go clean up your room and then come down for dinner."

 

"But, Daddy-" Mac pleaded, eyes big and stricken. No video games was like being banished to the desert.

 

"You heard me, Mac. You don't do this crap and get off scot-free. You're lucky you don't get anything extra tacked on for watching adult movies. We're not negotiating here. Go clean your room."

 

Jensen pointed hard towards the stairs and it was a done deal. The twins knew not to argue.

 

"Yes, Daddy." The boys said in unison and stood. They were looking so sad and shamed that Jensen felt his stomach drop. Before they could pass him by, they were grabbed. Jensen hugged them both and then checked over their faces again to make sure they weren't really hurt all that bad and then he sent them upstairs. He shook his head and walked upstairs himself to see Missouri and Maggie. His aunt was holding the napping baby girl, sitting and watching a soap opera on the television. Jensen entered the guest bedroom Missouri was using and smiled.

 

"Anything good happen?"

 

Missouri smiled distractedly and glanced to him and back to the set. "That Sami just makes my nerves go haywire. But I think she really loves this new baby."

 

"Hm." Jensen wasn't sure what to say to that, since he never watched the show in question. He bent to take his boots off. "How's Maggie?"

 

"She's a peach. Just taking a little cat nap after lunch. Heard the boys downstairs. They alright?"

 

The weary father nodded. "Yeah. They were fighting. Banged each other up."

 

"They're acting out. It's normal. You handled it well."

 

"Thank you." He wasn't surprised that she had heard everything. He knew the kids were in good hands with his aunt in the house. Missouri never missed anything. Letting the boys have a moment wasn't exactly how Jensen would have handled their fighting but he recalled he and his own brother beating the crap out of each other when they could. It was natural, but still. He hated thinking he might miss something with the boys or not parent them the way Jared would. The way Jared would want. It was crucial to Jensen that Jared not be disappointed in him or how he handled things. Jensen was mentally going over lists in his head to try and plan out the night and try to do all the things on his mind. He needed to go see Jared and also call Jeff about a knocking sound his truck was making. 

 

He stood still for a moment and then took his boots, going to his bedroom to change. No, not his bedroom, their bedroom. His and Jared's. He looked at the bed that seemed way too big with just him to sleep in it. It made his throat hurt to think about it ever just being his bed. Jensen changed into 'home clothes', t-shirt and jeans, before he went into the bathroom. He needed to shave, he was looking raggedy. He looked up with a palm of shaving cream and met his own eyes in the mirror. For a moment he just stared. He was completely taken aback by his own face.

 

For some reason?

 

He had expected to look older. He had anticipated a whole other face than the one he saw and he was as startled as if a stranger was on the other side of the glass. But no, he was still a young man. He didn't feel it- but when he looked at his own haunted eyes, he had to reconcile with it being true. That was still him. 

 

Jensen was cleaned up in time to help make dinner. He ate hurriedly and then went to the hospital to sit with Jared. They had high hopes that Jared might be coming home the next evening, and Jensen was really praying for it. The children needed Jared. He needed his husband. The house felt so empty without Jared as its heart. Jensen sat with Jared for six hours before Jared said he was tired and needed to get some sleep. Jared had to be tired, Jensen told himself walking out of the too-cold hospital. Jared had barely spoken to him all night. Seemingly more interested in staring at the nearly mute television, Jared had watched some old Western like he might as well be alone. Jensen was not sure why, or if he had said something wrong. He had told Jared about the boys fighting, then how he needed to take the truck to Jeff to have it looked at- but nothing out of the way. Still? Jared had seemed like he was pissed and not willing to say a word on why. Jensen couldn't *prove* his spouse was angry at him...but it had 'felt' like it.

 

He was about to fall into bed when the phone rang. Jensen picked up the bedside phone and answered, "Yeah?"

 

"Jensen."

 

Feeling more awake, Jensen heard how tense Jared was even over the line. "Baby? What's the matter? Are you alright? You need me to come back over?"

 

"I want to see the kids..."

 

"I know, hon-"

 

"No, I want to see the kids tonight. While they're sleeping..." Jared was quiet a moment, letting the words sink in before he whispered. "I want to see them without them having to see me. Especially like this."

 

Jensen sat down heavily on the bed, feeling his muscles just give out like his bones had melted. He gripped the phone hard.

 

"Jared, don't do this to yourself. Please, honey. They want to see you. It's all the boys talk about. Maggie asks for her Papa so much-"

 

"They miss who I was, Jen. They don't need to see me dying. Like I am. I can't hardly stand looking at myself. They don't need to see a monster."

 

"Jared, I'm coming to the hospital right now."

 

"You can come, but I'm not changing my mind. If you love me- you'll understand. I need this. I need it. It's all I'm asking from you, Jensen. It's the only thing I'm asking for... so you tell me, what are you going to do? Tell me 'no'?"

 

Closing his eyes tightly, Jensen took a hissing breath. He spoke gently to his husband.

 

"I'll call Jeff and Dr. Behr. I'll get it worked out. Tonight."

 

"Thank you." 

 

Jared hung up before Jensen could say anything else. No 'I love you' even. That should not have made Jensen as upset as it did. But he didn't let Jared down. He was true to his word, he called Jared's brother and Dr. Behr, getting a late night temporary release for his husband. Assuring Jason Behr that he would be with Jared the whole time. It made Jensen wonder if Jared was getting to come home the next day or not, but the doctors hated to say too much in advance. They worried and Jensen appreciated that. Some things you couldn't call until you could call it. 

 

Returning to the hospital, Jensen walked in with Jared's change of clothes in a backpack over one shoulder. The nurses barely noticed when he passed by the station. He was seen here so much, especially now, that he didn't cause a stir. The place was so frigid and it wasn't just the temperature. Entering Jared's room, he saw the strained expression on his husband's face and tried to smile to him. He wanted to ease Jared's mind and heart however he could.

 

"I brought you a jacket too. It's chilly out..."

 

When Jensen started to open the bag, Jared took it from his hands. Turning his face to the side, Jared whispered. 

 

"I want the nurse to help me change."

 

"But-"

 

"I want the nurse."

 

Jensen opened his mouth and closed it, feeling totally shut out. His eyes were fractured in their depths with how much it hurt to be denied the right and privilege of doing something to help his husband. Sincerely, he felt it was his to do for Jared, and it was not easy to let it go- but he would. Because he could give ground for Jared too. Let Jared have some say in what happened to and around him when so much control was lost due to his illness. Jensen blinked to clear his gaze and nodded.

 

"Alright. If that's what you want."

 

"Please wait for me in the hall."

 

Jensen's jaw ticced as he left the room and a male nurse went inside. Drew something. Jensen sat in the hallway, his head in his hands as he waited. It was a good twenty minutes before Jared was being wheeled from the room. The wheelchair was the hospital's, but Jensen knew it was loaned out as a kindness to Jared. Jared could tire so quickly. Jensen took over pushing the chair, giving the nurse a thankful nod before he was navigating the hall. As he helped Jared into the truck, Jensen asked, "Are you warm enough? I can turn on the heater."

 

"I'm fine."

 

"Kay."

 

There was nothing to fight over, but it left a heavy lump of lead in Jensen's belly to feel how cool Jared was being towards him. Maybe Jared was just trying to be as calm and quiet as he could be, conserve his energy- but it felt like they were talking over a chasm miles wide and deeper than hell. The ride home was not pleasant. Jensen gripped the steering wheel and then spoke softly.

 

"Jared, I wish you'd talk to me. Tell me what you're thinking. Let me... let me help."

 

"How are you going to help me?"

 

Risking a quick look at Jared's profile, Jensen felt like he was in a moment that could drag him all the way under. Jared's voice had been so soft, asking that question, almost sounding like a child whispering to the dark.

 

"I don't know what you're seeing when you look in a mirror, Jay...but I swear... you're not... a monster. You're pale... and you've lost some weight, some hair. It's going to be alright. You're going to be alright. It'll get better. You aren't going to scare the kids. Please. Listen to me."

 

"What do you know about it? You're perfect, right? You look good as ever, better even. I guess you know exactly how I feel? Look at me. Really look. I know you do. You can barely stomach touching me. You think I don't notice that?"

 

"That's not true. God-"

 

"Right. Just drive, alright? I'm too tired for this. I don't want to talk about it."

 

"But if-"

 

"Please. I want to sleep a little before we get there. Just leave me be. You can do that, right?"

 

Staring ahead at the road, Jensen felt like he was alone even with Jared right there next to him. He shut up and drove, being careful despite how coiled up he was. Jared had it all wrong. It wasn't at all that Jared *disgusted* him. Nothing like that. It just wasn't true. Jensen just could not get physical with Jared, even intimately, when his mind was locked on the potential for Jared being hurt. He couldn't make himself become aroused when he considered the prospect of his husband being hurt by his desire. The impasse was very real in Jensen's psyche and he could not get around it. Right now, he couldn't get around much. He felt like he was losing ground with Jared and he had no idea why. He wanted to push, to talk about the things Jared said and thought- but he didn't want to exhaust or badger his husband. It was just all too much and Jensen was at a loss with how to respond. So he let Jared have his way. It gnawed at Jensen, but he was floundering on how to make things better or right. It seemed as if his husband would rather not have to deal with him but was forced to, by circumstances. Jensen hated thinking that way, but it burned hot and painful to have Jared just cutting him off and out.

 

They entered the house quietly, Jared walking inside on his own. He wanted to sit in the dimly lit living room for a bit and Jensen suspected he needed to get his bearings before going upstairs. He sat beside Jared on the couch, but any overtures of talking he made were met with silence or monosyllabic responses. Sititng in the living room, they could have been anywhere but home for as distant as they felt. Jensen sat on the sofa next to Jared, both of them stealing glances at each other but never catching the other doing so. The two men were side by side, elbows and knees not brushing until about an hour later when Jared stood. Jensen followed behind Jared up the stairs, watching closely in case his husband faltered or slipped. A couple times Jensen reached for Jared but withdrew his hands when Jared gave him a look and kept walking. They went to the nursery first.

 

Jared stood holding the railing of Maggie's crib, looking down at her as she slept curled on her belly. He watched her intently and reached down, touching the fringe of her curls just like his own, feeling the softest skin of her cheek and brow. His palm covered her belly before he turned and left the baby behind. Jensen watched Jared do much the same with the twins, looking over them and barely touching them before he was walking back downstairs.

 

"I'm ready to go back now."

 

The way Jared said it, or maybe the fact that he was speaking at all, jolted Jensen. He looked at his husband, craving him intensely. Wanting to have Jared meet his eyes, hold his hand, be in his arms. He wanted to feel Jared, hear the beat of his heart. But Jared was clearly not happy with him, and Jensen didn't feel like it was right for him to make this moment about himself. He wondered if he was being selfish to feel so low when Jared was the one truly suffering. It was confusing to him, making him feel he was crowding Jared just by *needing* his attention so much. Wanting to give Jared his own strength and presence, and knowing he was being rejected on some all new level. Some place Jensen had never expected to be with the love of his life.

 

Driving back to the hospital, Jensen tried to initiate conversation, but Jared appeared to nap- and even if Jensen doubted Jared was really out- he let it pass. He could shut his mouth and wait until Jared was back in bed, relaxing. 

 

Maybe they could talk before falling asleep, and maybe... things could be okay, at least for tonight.

 

XXX

 

Jared felt a pain buried deep down that had nothing to do with how sick he was physically. Jensen was planning to see Jeff again. It kept going through his mind in a loop, his gorgeous husband was going to that man- and there was nothing he could do about it. Jeff's rough hands would be all over Jensen, giving him what Jared couldn't, making Jensen respond and reciprocate. The saner side of Jared's mind told him he was overreacting. Wildly speculating. Believing things without a stitch of proof. But then the rest of him argued, why not? Why wouldn't Jensen go to the man that he had been seeing and was still so close to? What was there to stop Jensen from getting some comfort when he needed it? Jared didn't feel he had a leg to stand on. He couldn't make himself tell Jensen to stay away from his ex- and possibly current- lover. He wanted Jensen to have something after he was gone, didn't he? He wanted to give his husband his blessing, but it wasn't coming out. He could not say the words. He could resent it. He did. 

 

Was it unfair?

 

What *was* fair these days?

 

All during the time he spent with Jensen, going to the house and back to the hospital- Jared had it on the tip of his tongue, the need to just tell Jensen he *knew* about Jeff. Tell Jensen he wasn't stupid or as innocent as he had once been. He knew Jensen had needs. It shouldn't hurt this much to just ...accept, forgive and let go. Jared tried. He tried to tell himself to be big enough, good enough to support his husband in having a life and love beyond him. He struggled to make himself be okay with Jensen going on after he was gone and being someone else's light and the first smile they saw every day. The person that made everything just that much better and finer. Jensen was that and more, and it made him all the harder to hand over.

 

At least, Jared told himself, he was able to hold his tongue. He was capable of making small steps to letting go- even if it raced through his mind to scream, break the painful distance between them and just tear the world apart to hold Jensen the way he wanted to. To never let go, not even if he should.

 

He held onto his control all the way back to the hospital, entering the room that felt like a cell. Hospital rooms defied reality and physics by growing smaller and smaller the longer you were inside of one. Jared knew it was true. He had stared at the walls and ceiling enough to know they were closing in on him, or maybe *he* was just that much smaller these days. 

 

As Jensen took off his jacket, Jared nodded to the night nurse as she came in.

 

"I'm just going to the bathroom...then you can hook me up, alright?"

 

Linda, the overnight R.N., nodded to Jared, knowing how much strain he was under.

 

"Sure thing, honey. I'll be right out in the hall. Y'all just give a yell..."

 

Jared closed himself in the bathroom as he heard Jensen's low murmur to Linda, asking after her boy Reggie that was over in Iraq. Jensen always recalled things like that, surprising Jared when he would ask in his deep tone about this soldier or officer. It was a side of Jensen that Jared had always found very attractive and...reassuring. He had always felt so safe with Jensen. Taken care of. Used to feel that way. Now he wasn't sure what he felt. Jared flipped on the flickering neon light, bathed in the stark brightness. He held the sides of the sink, his head bowed as he drank in the few moments he had alone, without anyone looking at him like he was a faded photograph of someone they never got over losing. It felt so done. He lifted his eyes to the mirror and weakly laughed at the face there. 

 

"Yeah." He whispered huskily. "It doesn't matter at all. Not a monster. Look... just fine. Who wouldn't...want...this?"

 

He was not who he had been.

 

That bright and happy young man was gone, scraped clean out of all he had to give. Just a husk was left behind, to stand in place of what was. He could not even lift his own children to hold them. He could not cross the distance to put his lips to Jensen's and feel the answering heat of their love ignite between them. His heart beating hard and fast because Jensen had loved him so well he wasn't sure he could take it? It seemed like someone else's memory in his mind. He wished he could go back in time, pick a few days that meant the most- and just re-live every second, knowing what he knew now- to stretch the seconds and appreciate their unbearably precious existence. For everything he had taken for granted, he was sorry. Sorry and left so cold. 

 

It felt like his life had been lain out before him, inviting and beauteous and then, pieces were stolen when he wasn't looking.

 

Pieces he needed to have in order to be anything, or anyone, at all.

 

He needed to be his husband's lover and the father of his children. He needed to live and have his chance to show he knew what a gift it was. The fact that he had no say in the matter was just a bitter pill that was force-fed to him.

 

He was going to die and there was nothing he could do to stop it.

 

A burning rage hit him, and he didn't know where to put it. He just wanted to lash out. He needed to hit something- and he did- punching the glass of the mirror. The crack and shriek of the glass was louder than he had expected, and Jared barely heard the banging at the bathroom door before it was wrenched open. He was staring at his fractured, shattered reflection as blood splattered the porcelain of the sink. His blood. His bright, hot, red blood that was full of poison. Platinum blood was hitting the sink and making a real mess. Blinking dazedly, Jared saw Jensen and their eyes locked. He couldn't look away from the wide stricken green eyes that blazed at him, dilated in shock and confusion. The blur of having his hand attended to was lost on Jared- all he could think of was Jensen's chartreuse eyes looking at him and knowing he had put that look there. Something in Jensen had seemed so strange and forlorn that Jared wanted desperately to pull his husband to him- but it wasn't to be.

 

He found himself having to talk alone with Dr. Behr and then his brother, and then both doctors as they tried to divine whether or not it was a suicide attempt. Jared might have laughed if it wasn't so terrible. He told them as calmly as he could that he was smart enough to know he didn't need to worry about suicide. They said all the right things, repeating how he was young, had a lot to live for and needed to talk to them about his fears- but it was a song and dance Jared was tiring of. All he wanted was Jensen, but he was told he was not allowed visitors outside of hospital staff while on suicide watch. Begging Jeff got him nowhere, but he tried.

 

"Will you at least tell me... where Jensen is? How he is?"

 

Jeff looked at his little brother like he could stare the truth out of him. Jared seemed lucid and truthful, but this was the same Jared that had punched into his mirror and had to have stitches in his hand. Fifteen stitches, precisely. 

 

"He stayed in your room for awhile and then Jason told him to go home and get some sleep. To trust us to look after you."

 

Seeing how Jared winced and hung his head, Jeff asked, "What?"

 

"Jensen."

 

Jared lifted his uninjured hand to his face. "You can't say things like that to him. He'll take it all wrong."

 

"What do you mean?"

 

"I mean...you saying that you would look after me and keep me safe...he's going to think it's his fault that I'm hurt at all. He always takes things on, blames himself. I just wish you'd let me call him at least-"

 

"No contact. Those are the rules, Jared. Even for you. I'm going to give you something to help you sleep and when you wake up in the morning, we're going to talk again."

 

"Jeff-"

 

"Little brother, I love you, but I'm also your doctor and you're not talking your way out of anything. Just rest."

 

Jared watched Jeff put a syringe up to his port and administer a sedative, another sedative. They had given him something when he yelled his head off for Jensen, but now there was more. So he could waste more time doing nothing. It was frustrating and, he felt, dehumanizing, to be knocked out, tied down, boxed in- kept conveniently. He was prepared to say so too, if he hadn't fallen asleep.

 

 

X

 

Someone was knocking at the door, but his head was on the door. That couldn't be right, but Jensen felt the rapping vibrating to his face. Then it slowly came back to him that he had fallen asleep at his work desk, in his office. He turned his head and looked up, seeing how Chris looked back down to him. Jensen did not know what to expect, but Chris did not make him wait long.

 

"You look like shit."

 

"Thanks"

 

Chris meant what he said, not able to keep his frank concern from his face. His lips pressed hard together as he tried to decide how to talk to his friend. How to reach him. Jensen just seemed so damned...lost. Like he was sitting this one out, if 'this one' was his fucked up life. Thing was, he was a necessary player in the game and there was not a lot of benchwarming he could do. Jensen would never forgive himself, Chris knew, if he handled this part of his life with negligence.

 

Unaware of Chris' melancholy thoughts, Jensen pushed back from his desk enough to sink to his chair, muscles cramped and sore. He gazed stonily at the cluttered desktop as his night came back to him in full.

 

"Jensen?"

 

"Mm?"

 

"You want to talk about...anything?"

 

Chris picked up the empty bottle of Jack Daniels as he asked his question. He turned the bottle on it's side, seeing now a drop remained. Jensen was not in uniform, wearing a wrinkled Willie Nelson t-shirt and torn at the knee jeans. His boots were off and under the desk, Chris noticed. He watched his friend, and boss, glance at the mess around him, the mess he was and then sigh. Jensen did not seem overly fazed, merely taking it all in. 

 

Maybe it was his sigh that cinched it for Chris. He crouched next to Jensen and grabbed the arm of the chair. 

 

"Hey."

 

Chris saw how empty Jensen's eyes were, and his own heart began thudding low, seeming to land somewhere in his belly.

 

"Please talk to me, Jen. Please."

 

Head hung, Jensen whispered, "Jared hurt himself the other night."

 

"What? How? What happened? You mean, like when he had his prescriptions needing changed?"

 

"No. Wasn't that."

 

Jensen shuddered all over and didn't even blink.

 

"He called me. I was at the house getting ready to go to bed. Jared wanted to see the kids, he said- but he didn't want them to see him. He said he couldn't stand how he looks. I tried to tell him-"

 

Rubbing his hand over his eyes, Jensen felt a tickle in his throat. He coughed until he could talk again. He needed some aspirin and water. He needed a goddamned shower too. He was going to tell Chris what happened first though. He could at least do that. He knew the truth was not going to go away even if he tried to avoid talking about it. Chris would hear eventually. Some version of the truth would make its way around town.

 

"I tried to tell Jared it wasn't as bad as he thought. I tried telling him on the phone. I told him during the drive home. It was like he was right there and not there at the same time. I told him he was worrying too much. I know he cares how he looks. Everyone cares how they look. I just didn't want him to be hurting inside over his hair coming out or his skin being pale. The weight loss. He just sees himself so different. But I didn't want him thinking it made him... less than he is. I told him that he was going to be fine. It's not permanent. He spent too much time looking at himself and thinking about it, I think. It was messing with his head. He was supposed to be coming home today. Not have to be back in for a few days, but now? Now they're keeping him to fucking watch him."

 

"What happened?"

 

Chris hated feeling like he was prompting Jensen, but Jensen's narrative was so choppy it was hard to follow. "What happened after he called you, wanting to see the kids?"

 

"I talked to Jeff and Jason, to ask them if Jared could have a little free time to come home to see the kids. Just to give him something to be happy about. They're his doctors so... I figured it couldn't hurt to try. Jeff signed Jared out to my care and I took him to the house. He didn't want the kids awake, and we sat downstairs in the living room for about an hour before he felt like going upstairs. He went in and looked over the boys and Maggie and then came back down. He barely spent any time with them. It was like watching someone sleepwalking. Like he was a ghost in our house. I should have known...I should have said something. The right something. I just watched. I didn't want to take his moment away from him, him seeing the babies. God. I didn't know what to say. Fuck. Fuck."

 

"Jen-"

 

"Then...I took him back to the hospital. He said he wanted to go and I thought I'd crash there. Maybe we could talk. Get him past how upset and quiet he was being."

 

Chris watched the little tremors working over Jensen like he was freezing. The office was warm, comfortably warm, but Jensen seemed to be on edge and breaking. 

 

"We got back to the hospital and Jared went to use the bathroom before he'd have to be hooked up to his I.V. again. I sat down out there and God, I shouldn't have... left him alone. Not when he was so upset. He punched the mirror. In the bathroom. I heard it and I was in there as fast as I could be- "

 

"Oh my God! Is he alright?"

 

Chris was openly shocked, eyes wide as he saw how Jensen was paling just to think about it.

 

"His hand was cut up. He bled quite a bit, he does now. He's on blood thinners. They gave him blood thinners to keep from getting any clots from the treatments. All I could really see was red...and how pale he was. There was blood everywhere. He was so.." Jensen made a face and looked down. His eyes filled with tears and his throat hurt from not crying. "I could see how he just wanted it to never have happened. He didn't do it for attention. Just so angry. I saw the anger just die out under the rest. I know how shamed he was feeling. How scared. He looked as surprised as we all did. Like he wasn't sure what happened. Could've been shock."

 

Nauseated, Jensen sat back in his chair all the way and put a hand to his forehead, trying to find his balance. He had felt like he was in a cyclone of sound and motion the night before. Nurses and orderlies all talking at once, Jared saying he was sorry. Jared had tried to explain he would pay for the mirror. Telling them all he was just in a temper. Lashed out. The hospital staff didn't quite take him at his word. Jensen could hardly believe it himself. Jared. His sweet, kind, sometimes shy Jared had bashed a mirror with his fist. Had to get stitches and be on watch. Suicide watch. They took him to the sixth floor until Dr. Behr and Dr. Padalecki arrived to talk to Jared. Jensen had not been allowed to the sixth floor, and had been pacing and waiting for the doctors to arrive. Jared was allowed to come back down to the fifth floor on the condition that he was in a private room with only his medical staff. It was the policy, apparently. The doctors said it was best for Jared, best for everyone, but it hadn't felt that way to Jensen. 

 

"Jensen. You need to come clean with me. Did you drink a fifth of whiskey and pass out here at the station?"

 

"No."

 

"How much did you drink?"

 

Jensen took a deep breath and looked fully to his deputy.

 

"I didn't drink any of it. I poured it out the window. You can breathalize me if you want to, Chris. I quit cold turkey last night. I just realized... I can't keep holding onto the drink. Not when I want it. When I can feel myself wanting it. It hit me last night that I can't do it any more. I have to be wide awake for all of this no matter what comes. My boys have to see it all. They don't have any place to hide or any way to remember different. It's all right here and now in front of them. The kids need me. Jared needs me. I was doing them all wrong by drinking. I felt sick of myself every time...and I told myself all the reasons it was okay or how I had a handle on it. I don't have a handle on anything. That's the truth. I don't even know whether or not I think Jared tried to hurt himself. I don't know. I didn't get to see him after he was taken to the psych ward and then back to oncology. They didn't let me even tell him 'goodnight'. I don't know how he's feeling. What he's thinking. Shit, I don't know what I'm doing anymore."

 

Chris stood and was not sure what to do either. "Let me drive you home. You need to get some sleep."

 

"I need to get a shower and get back to the hospital."

 

"Jensen-"

 

"I am not sleeping in my bed not knowing if Jared's okay or not."

 

"You're worn OUT."

 

"Chris." Jensen blinked slowly, staring at his friend. He felt a spreading pain in his chest, his heart just seeming to find new pieces to splinter into. "I can't leave him alone. You don't know. Jared is already so damned alone. It's like he's trying to find the best way to slip away. Make the least amount of noise so when he's all the way gone maybe it won't hurt as much because he was always going. I can't let that happen. If I've ever been alive for anything- it's him. It's us. I can't let him sit there hurt and feeling so low. I can't."

 

"Alright." Chris sighed deeply. "I'm taking you home to shower and change. Then I'll drive you to the hospital and back. That's your best offer. Otherwise I'm going to handcuff you to your goddamned bed."

 

Jensen didn't even have the energy to tease Chris about the threat. He just nodded and left the sheriff's office. If anyone gave him a strange look on his way out, Jensen missed it. He was thinking about his husband. Wondering how much time they had and then reminding himself he had never agreed to ever letting Jared go. He had never said he would be without Jared. It couldn't happen. He couldn't let it happen. Wouldn't.

 

X

 

Two days later...

 

"I wasn't trying to kill myself."

 

Jared said the words with such resolute finality that it did not brook argument. Drew gave Jared his full attention, sitting at the end of the hospital bed. He reached over, taking Jared's hand in his.

 

"I didn't think you were suicidal."

 

"Guess that makes two people that believe me, counting myself."

 

With a wan grin, Jared gave Drew's hand a soft squeeze.

 

"I never lose my temper, you know? I always tried to be... low key. Easygoing. I just lost it for a second and the next thing I know I have a psychiatric evaluation and a padded room."

 

"Not padded, just private."

 

Drew smiled wryly in sympathy and brushed his thumb over the rise above Jared's thumb. He would give so much to be able to lift the greyness from Jared's eyes, hating to see him hurting. He had seen how Jared was around his husband, how quiet and tense Jensen was. It was no wonder Jared felt alone and vulnerable. Drew hadn't seen a hint of softness in Jensen Ackles. The man was stony. Jared needed someone that would understand him. Love him. Be there for him and tell him everything was going to be okay. 

 

"Jared, I'm not the only one that believes you when you say you weren't trying to kill yourself. If the doctors didn't believe you- they never would've put you back in your room, let you have visitors and everything. They believe you. I think they were just too afraid to be wrong. No one wanted to risk you, that's the thing. Medication, stress... depression, it can all add up and we all just want you safe..."

 

So tender-hearted. Jared gazed at Drew, the words just sweeter than warm honey and Drew was so sincere. It was outside of Jared's power to resist drinking down the warmth and comfort the male nurse offered him. He had found a true friend in Drew, and sometimes Drew even made him feel like the old Jared. Like he wasn't just skin and bones. As if he could still be attractive. Desirable. 

 

"You say the nicest things, Drew."

 

"I mean it."

 

Drew looked down to their joined hands and back to Jared's face, taken in by the moment. He was looking at the swirled colors of Jared's hazel eyes when Jared frowned and sighed. Drew knew what that meant. It meant Jared was thinking of Jensen. The way Jared would sigh, it was a dead giveaway.

 

"I'm not so sure Jensen believes me. When I tell him I didn't mean anything like that to happen, he just looks at me and doesn't seem to know what to say. He doesn't say I'm lying, but I don't know. It feels like he's trying to decide whether I'm worth worrying over."

 

"God, Jared- of course you are." Drew leaned in then and softly kissed Jared's lips, the surprise of the kiss making Jared go still. Drew kissed him again, going slow and gentle until Jared pulled back with wide eyes. Looking to Jared, Drew whispered. "I shouldn't have done that."

 

"No. You shouldn't have. I'm married."

 

"I think I could be falling for you."

 

"Drew-"

 

"You don't have to tell me 'no'...or how it's a bad time-"

 

"I just can't."

 

"I know. I just think you need to know. I want you to know."

 

Drew noticed Jared had not pulled his hand free. They were clasping hands and they were not letting go. He gazed at the object of his affections and wanted to hold Jared even closer. He didn't want to go too fast and have Jared hate him, but this had been building in him for some time, and who knew how much time they even had? He felt he had to tell Jared, at least, for whatever came of it, Jared deserved to know how he wanted him.

 

"Please, Jared, just let me show you... how much I love you..."

 

With a dry throat, Jared realized how incredible it was to have Drew look at him like that. It made him feel starved and skinned to know he could infuse Drew with want and not just pity. It made him tremble, a fire of nerves racing through his system. He knew it was wrong. It was all wrong. He should send Drew out, and tell him never to touch him like this again. Never. Because he was married. Because... it was wrong. It made Jared's head swim to think of how far he had fallen away from Jensen that it even occured to him to like the contact. He felt it was surrealistic to entertain the idea of an affair. It didn't feel quite 'real' to him and when Drew reached for him again, Jared was prone to it. He did not pull away as he was kissed. He opened his mouth for Drew's tongue, closing his eyes as his face was caressed. He felt his body responding, and he knew he should thrust Drew back. It was not love motivating his response to the nurse. It was...loneliness. Insecurity. Confusion. It was nothing Drew should have to mistake for love or commitment.

 

But when Drew's hand slid under the blankets, Jared didn't stop him.


	13. Chapter 13

It could not go on. Jared felt like no matter what he had to face, he could not let anything more build between himself and Drew. The sick, dull feeling that came over him after Drew had kissed and sucked him made it nearly impossible to see Drew after that stolen moment without experiencing a wave of guilty nausea. Jared had never done anything with another man besides Jensen- and after meeting Jensen, he had been faithful to his husband. It was jarring how quickly all the years of fidelity could be marred by just giving in to the deep fears and insecurities that were taking him over as surely as the cancer was. Jared could barely look at Jensen without thinking of Drew. He was not longing for Drew, it was not that. He saw himself and Drew as the lowest forms of life. Even if Jensen was cheating on him with Jeff Morgan- even IF- Jared felt he had taken a step off a cliff and there was no going back. He was terrified of having Jensen find out. Or guess. Jensen was not stupid. He was one of the most sharply observant people Jared had ever seen. Jensen was always so aware of what was going on around him. Jared used to think it was a cop trait, but Jensen's mama Donna had told Jared that his husband had always been that way. Even as a little boy. Jensen was just a perceptive, watchful person. How long would it be before everything came crashing down?

 

Six days had passed since Jared had allowed Drew to kiss him, to get him off with his hands and mouth. The release had been short-lived and sickening in its aftermath. There was no warm glow after, or giggling huskily as Jensen kissed him through the bliss. After Drew had sucked him to completion, Jared had asked him to go, barely able to speak himself. Drew had left him, but he came back. He was around so much. Jared used to take comfort from seeing Drew and his warm smiles, now it was just a constant reminder of what he had done. He had failed Jensen. He had given what was Jensen's to someone else. It was compounding his guilt to see how wounded Jensen was when shut out. Jensen tried to hide it, but there was a hue to his green eyes that made them look almost shattered. Jared was scrabbling for purchase, trying to grasp the last vestiges of life and control- and in all of his struggles, he felt he was striking out at Jensen. The person he loved more than anything, and he was falling away from Jensen at light speed. He was losing Jensen and now, didn't even deserve to have him. The stabbing pains in his chest and stomach, Jared knew, were from anxiety and guilt. Nothing more than being twisted on a spit of his own making. 

 

The door opened to his bedroom and Jared looked up, expecting Heloise from hospice. But it was not Heloise, it was Drew. Looking young and vibrant in his loose Cowboy's t-shirt and jeans, his hair still damp from a shower. Jared half-grimaced before his eyes fell to the blankets over his lower body. He was absurdly glad Jensen had helped him get fully dressed that morning. He didn't want to have any of his body showing right now. He needed some barriers for his own sense of well-being and distance. This was not going to be easy or sweet. Nothing was anymore. 

 

"Hey? You alright?"

 

Drew walked away from the barely open door and then went to sit at the end of the bed. The same bed Jared shared with Jensen. Jared looked so gaunt and pekid that it worried Drew. He reached out to take Jared's hand but the other man pulled away just before they would have touched.

 

"Jared?"

 

Hazel eyes lifted, swimming with unshed tears. Jared grimly shook his head, feeling his breathing go erratic.

 

"Drew... I can't. What happened was wrong...and I can't do that ever again. Anything. There isn't going to be an 'us'. You have to understand that. I just can't. I was just so-"

 

"Jared..."

 

Drew leaned in and soothed a kiss to Jared's cheek, breathing in the scent of shampoo and skin.

 

"I know it's new. I know you're confused, but I love you. I won't let him hurt you."

 

"What?"

 

Jared blinked and shook his head slowly, his thoughts madly swirling.

 

"Jensen would never hurt me. He never has."

 

"But if he knew you were leaving him-"

 

"I'm not leaving him."

 

"But-"

 

"Drew." Jared closed his eyes a moment and gritted his teeth, steeling himself. "I was really lost and sad and it came out all wrong with you. I'm not blaming you. I let it happen. I did what I did- but it won't happen again. I have a husband. A family. I have three kids-"

 

"I love kids."

 

For some reason, it was the worst thing to say. Jared glared at Drew and wanted to tell him that the kids were not going to be part of his life ever. The children were not for Drew to love or anything else and Jared felt nearly offended at the idea. Crazy as it seemed, it pissed him off to hear Drew talk like the kids were part of some future he had mapped out. Making himself ease up on his temper, Jared let out a slow breath.

 

"Drew... I have children with my husband and I love my family. Jensen and I may not be... there might be things we need to talk about- but I am not leaving him. No matter what else happens, I love my family. I can't see you any more. I can't be with you. It just isn't going to happen. I don't love you. I will never love you. I'm sorry I hurt you."

 

Aggrieved, Drew stared at Jared and cupped the other man's face in his hands. He struggled to find words as Jared just shot him down.

 

"Please don't do this. I love you. I really love you..."

 

"No, Drew. You barely know me. This isn't-"

 

Drew surprised Jared by pressing a hard kiss to his lips, and then Jared pushed him back, their faces close together as Jared whispered.

 

"Don't make me be mean about it, Drew."

 

Hands over Jared's t-shirt, Drew gripped there and shook his head, wanting to beg. So close to begging.

 

"I know I need you. I know I love you and want you. He doesn't even look at you, Jared. He doesn't see you like I see you. Please give me another chance. Let me show you how good it can be."

 

Shaking his head, Jared looked earnestly to the young nurse. "No... I can't. It's not good. There's nothing good to it."

 

Just on the other side of the door, his jacket bunched in his hands, Jensen watched them. He had only just arrived to see the kiss and it had him rooted where he stood in shock.

 

How close they were, the way they whispered-and the fall of Drew's hand over Jared's chest, grasping and releasing- but not moving away. Jared was not telling Drew to stop either. They seemed terribly intimate.

 

Jensen stared for a long moment, as if his brain just absolutely, woodenly refused to compute what he had seen. Because if he were to believe what he had seen- it meant many things and none of them were good. Violence writhed in him like something caged that could eat right through its bars. It was that bad. Strong enough to make him feel a little out of control. He blinked, eyes tearing and hot. He was having trouble breathing. This was not the way his life was supposed to be. This was not what he had ever wanted or worked for, and now a tidal wave was just over his head, waiting for him to flinch before it came thundering down and drowned them all. He squared his shoulders, an old habit that his mother still teased him about, saying it was his 'cowboy way' of parting saloon doors only he could see. He was going into the room where another man was touching his husband and he had no fucking idea what might happen next. He pushed past the doorway and saw how Drew started to rise automatically from the bed, like strings were pulling him to his feet. Jensen did not even know his own voice when he spoke in a vibrating baritone of menace.

 

"Don't you fucking move."

 

Drew sank back to the bed, mouth opening and then snapping closed as Jensen's jaw clenched so harshly it looked painful. The nurse wondered if he was about to get shot. He glanced down and saw Jensen was in civilian clothes but still wearing his gun, right there at his hip. An oily sick dread filled Drew as he realized he was scared shitless right now.

 

Pale and shocked, Jared stared at his husband, seeing how tight all over Jensen was. There was no mistaking the threat inherent in Jensen in this moment. Jared felt dizzy imagining what Jensen had seen- how much. The flurry of his panicked thoughts only read as pure guilt on his features. He did not look at Drew, keeping his eyes steadily on his husband. His armed and furious husband. Jared pulled the blankets over his lap and pushed himself into sitting up more. He whispered softly.

 

"Jensen-"

 

"Shut up. Just don't say a word, Jared. I don't think I can handle you talking right now. Be quiet."

 

Jensen reached behind him and picked up the chair by the wall, slamming it down onto all four wooden legs at the base of the bed. He sat down on the chair, elbows to his knees as his incindiery eyes bored into them both. He was so still that he looked frozen, his face set in stark relief.

 

Hanging his head in shame, Jared realized Jensen- in his way- was trying to calm down. Trying not to do something he could never take back. Hands shaking, Jared twisted the blankets in his fists and felt his mouth trembling. God. Not like this. What had he done? What had he *been* doing? This could not be happening. He chanced a look to Drew and thought the male nurse looked like a sparrow staring at a rattle snake, mesmerized and terrified at the same time.

 

With a rasp of nerves in his voice, Drew whispered. "I think I'm just going to go."

 

"If you make it out the door, then alright."

 

Jensen spoke between his teeth, his whole body hurting with the need to tear Drew apart with his own two hands. He wanted to bleed the son of a bitch. Then he wanted Jared to tell him he was wrong, that he'd never ever touched another man. Just, Jared was being so quiet and there was something in his eyes that said different. Said he knew something bad was coming down and maybe he'd brought it. Jensen was taking tiny swallows of air while he listened to the wild humming of rage winding through his mind and veins, strangling his heart into a pulp. He watched them for exactly seventeen silent minutes before he stood up. He noticed that Drew flinched, whereas Jared was pale as snow and wary. Jensen looked only at Drew, before he hissed.

 

"You can go."

 

He smiled tightly, more to keep from yelling or just jumping the guy. He had to do this right or he would be burying someone out in the fucking woods tonight. Jensen made himself meet Drew's big blue eyes.

 

"I'm going downstairs. When I come back up- if you're still here, I'm going to mistake you for an intruder. You can bet on it. I'll shoot you, you better believe it. And I never miss."

 

Jensen left the room and Jared swore it was almost enough to make his ears pop, the difference in the atmosphere. He looked at Drew and whispered faintly.

 

"Get the hell out, Drew. Don't come back."

 

Drew didn't ask any questions. He left the room in a rush, going down the stairs and then out through the kitchen. He had parked his car around the back and was used to coming and going. No one really paid him any mind, how much time he spent at the Ackles house. It just wasn't of note. Jared needed help and Drew was there for him. Now, he wondered if he would even have a chance to tell Jared that he wasn't afraid of Jensen. He was running away like a dog with its tail tucked between its legs. That was the truth. Because he did fear Jensen and wondered if he should have asked Jared to come with him. What if Jared was wrong about how much Jensen cared about him? What if Jared was about to learn different? Drew was plenty afraid of Jensen, but at least he was getting to leave.

 

His thoughts were interrupted when an arm crossed his neck and he was pulled hard back to his assailant's chest- and then slammed face-first into the side of the house. Grunting in pain, Drew knew it was Jensen. He knew the man was enraged, feeling how Jensen trembled. Trying to escape Jensen's grip on him earned him another taste of the house. Drew spat blood from his split lip and tried to reason with the man.

 

"This is assault. You could lose your job, sherrif. Think about it."

 

"It's aggravated assault and battery, nurse. You threatening me, you piece of shit? Lose my job for pulling you off my husband? Is that right? You going to go tell that I didn't let you suck him all better? Guess we'd both be out a job, huh?"

 

The words were right by Drew's ear and so sibilant that he knew Jensen meant every last one. Jensen turned him and Drew's shoulders slapped to the house, Jensen's hands pressed broad and harsh to his chest. The sheriff's eyes filled his vision, boring into him, green and sharp.

 

"You said I could leave..." Drew whispered, tensed like he might have a knife in his belly any moment.

 

"Yeah. Guess I lied. Don't it hurt feeling all betrayed? I'm real sorry for you."

 

Jensen took half a step back from Drew, letting him go. Drew knew instinctually not to move when Jensen stood a hands-span from him, their eyes locked while Jensen spoke softly, definitively.

 

"You stay the fuck away from Jared. You come anywhere near him and I swear to you- I will do things to you they don't have a name for yet. You'll be sucking your own dick in a shallow grave. You can count on that. You come near my house or my kids... and it's trespassing. I just told you all official like. You getting this?"

 

Drew swallowed down his words of bravado, deciding he didn't need or want to push Jensen on anything. It looked like Jensen was letting him walk away and he was absurdly grateful that he *could* walk away.

 

"I...get it. I get it."

 

When the sheriff nodded at him stiffly, Drew pushed away from the house and started to walk past Jensen when he heard the man say low.

 

"One more thing."

 

Drew's grunt of pain was mostly airless, and soundless. Jensen's fist to his face and then his belly hurt so bad he knew he was going to be bruised in rainbow colors. He hit the gravel and started to rise, but then he was pulled to his feet by his hair. Jensen used his grip in Drew's hair to shove the other man hard towards his car.

 

"Never let me see you around again, Drew. You see me anywhere- you find someplace else to be. For your sake."

 

Not uttering another word, Drew made his hasty exit, his tires peeling as he took off in a cloud of dust and burnt rubber. Jensen shook out his hand, feeling his busted knuckles set fire. He walked inside and calmly closed the door behind him. 

 

Walking back up to his bedroom seemed to take an eternity, and not nearly long enough. He was not shocked to see Jared was still in bed, looking like he expected to be taken to the center of town for a public trial. Jensen stood at the foot of their marital bed and wondered if Drew had ever fucked his husband there. He didn't know what to do with his hands, settling for crossing his arms over his chest. He leaned back to the bureau behind him, steadily looking at his husband.

 

Jared's heart seemed to be beating from his belly when he met Jensen's gaze. Lips turning down like he might cry any second, he whispered.

 

"Jensen..."

 

"This is the first time...you've...ever... been ugly to me. Done something... ugly. Jesus."

 

The words were like acid and Jared felt each one hit and bore under his skin. He was crying now, the tears not stopping.

 

"I was telling him to go. I was trying to - I, Jensen...it's not like you think, I swear-"

 

"But you fucked him."

 

Jared shook his head. "No, I never-"

 

"Then what did you do with him? Tell me all about it."

 

Hands over his face, Jared shivered in upset and dread.

 

"I let him-"

 

"Don't." Jensen held up his hands. "I can't. Don't tell me."

 

Jared was so at a loss that he was not sure how to even be in the same room as his husband. The air was laden with hurt, betrayal and a sadness that choked them both.

 

"Jensen... I don't deserve to get to explain...anything... but if-"

 

Strangely, Jensen's tone when he cut in was almost casual. Almost.

 

"So, what do you want to do? Here we both are. Til death do we fucking part... I need to know what we're doing. What do they call it? A separation? Some shit like that? I'm not moving out. I'm guessing you aren't either. There's not going to be anybody running away on the kids unless we're saying- right here and now- you want a divorce. Is that what you want?"

 

The way Jensen said it had Jared's head swimming. He was completely unprepared to even hear the word 'divorce' from Jensen. It was unthinkable.

 

"No. NO. That's not what I want. I never wanted-"

 

"I saw what you wanted, Jared. Saw what you had. Oh, am I wrong? What was he to you then? He was worth throwing ME in the trash? Our marriage. Had to be pretty special."

 

"Jensen, no, please. Please. I am begging you. Sit down-"

 

"Why? I'm fine like this. You just need to let me know what you're doing. I think after *nine* years together, I can ask that much. You think it over. I'll be downstairs."

 

He just had to have some time away from Jared. He had to have his face composed before the boys were home from school and asking a million questions a second. They were so happy when Jared was home. It made them even more hyper. Jensen headed for the door, wanting to tear it off its hinges and throw it down the stairs.

 

"Don't leave. Jensen."

 

Jared tried to get up, feeling shaky as he realized Jensen was going to just walk away from him. Not come to him, that much was evident. Jensen seemed so out of reach that Jared was scared. It had never been like this between them. Never. It was killing his heart to see Jensen look so broken. When he said Jensen's name, his husband paused in the doorway and shot him a look that was poisonous.

 

"You have no say- none- over anything I do."

 

Jensen had never used that tone with him before and Jared never wanted to hear it again. It was horrifically cutting. He wanted 'his' Jensen back. He wanted to see that jade to Jensen's eyes that meant he was just about to smile or laugh. Their bond was miles away from anything good right now, but Jared still prayed there was a chance to salvage 'them'. He whispered to Jensen, seeing how rigid his husband's body went at his words.

 

"You care about me. You still love me. I know you do. Please..forgive me. I can't explain... or make it better-"

 

"You don't even know what you're asking me. I don't even know. What exactly am I forgiving? Want to give me some details? Don't leave anything out, Jay. Am I forgiving his hands all over you or how he was here butchering our family? Our life? Am I forgiving my husband for deciding our vows didn't mean shit and neither do I?"

 

"It's never been like that! Oh my God."

 

"Then how WAS it?!?"

 

Jared closed his eyes and bowed his head, thinking of their baby sleeping down the hall. How Jensen had brought her in earlier and put her in his arms. That Jensen wasn't in the room with him now.

 

"That's what I thought."

 

Jensen bit out the words and had to leave the room. The door slammed in his wake and Jared flinched like he was the one slammed. He forced himself to get out of bed, holding to the wall until he felt his balance coming back. He was still dizzy, but it ripped fear into him to think of leaving Jensen alone too long right now. He could not imagine what Jensen was thinking or might do- but he had heard Drew's car when it left. He didn't think for a moment that Jensen had let Drew leave unscathed. Still, Jensen said he wasn't leaving. He didn't want either of them leaving. That had to mean something. Jared had a time getting down the stairs, going slowly but quietly, not wanting Jensen's pitying look or anger to wash over him for trying. By the time he was down to the first floor, he could hear the twins yelling and whooping it up in the dining room. Jared lingered just out of sight in the doorway, seeing how Jensen was sitting on the bench against the wall, a twin to either side as he looked at their clay pots they had brought home. Jensen was admiring the camo paint job that Mac had done and the cloudy sky Caleb had made on his own creation. Both boys were all smiles as their Daddy took the time to praise them individually.

 

Caleb heard a soft sound from the doorway and looked to see his Papa standing there, looking waifish but still, he was home. Caleb bounced to his feet and showed Jared the pot he had made, as Mac was doing the same, both competing by getting louder by the second. For a moment Jared's eyes went to Jensen's and their stare was vast enough that they broke it simultaneously. Jensen went to the kitchen to make dinner and Jared knew it was Jensen's way of avoiding him. He had to allow that, somewhat, he had to let Jensen have some space. He felt like it was killing him, but he could not force Jensen to listen to him or forgive him. He told himself these things, but it did not stop his heart from begging him to do whatever it took to make things right again.

 

It was late that night, after the children went to bed, when Jared watched Jensen taking blankets from the chest at the foot of their bed. Jared thought maybe, since they had made it through dinner and watching Prince Caspian with the children, that maybe Jensen was going to talk to him. Not just gather bedding to go down to the couch. If he let Jensen go, maybe they would be doing this forever until there was no going back. Jared recalled the past few nights when he had pulled away from Jensen so much, not allowing even the most casual touches and now- he felt twice the bastard for all that had fallen to ruins between them. Who else was there to blame? Jensen was so silent it was as if he was not even aware of eyes on him, but Jared knew that wasn't the case. He sat up in their bed and spoke into the chill between them.

 

"Jensen, I need you to talk to me."

 

"I needed you to talk to me before. I think you told me to leave you the hell alone."

 

"I did. I said things I shouldn't have. I know that."

 

"Good of you to admit it now."

 

It wasn't much progress, but it was something. It was more than Jared had hoped for. Jensen's brusque tone was okay. Jared could deal with that if it meant his husband lingered in the room and listened to him. 

 

"I was stupid and so afraid. I'm sorry. Jensen. I am so sorry. It was the once, just the once- and I should have said 'no'. I should have told you I was trying to let you go."

 

"W-what?" Jensen lifted his eyes from the floor, looking perplexedly to Jared. "Let me go?"

 

Averting his face, Jared felt lashed inside having to admit his deepest, darkest fears and motivations. Baring them to the harshness of the light and Jensen, mostly Jensen. Telling the strongest person he knew how fucking weak he was. 

 

"I wanted it to be easier on you. When I'm gone. I didn't want you holding on to me...to us...and never having anyone else. I can't think of you being sad and alone like that, Jen. I tried to be alright with it. Like go out gracefully but I ain't got it in me. I just, I was so angry. All the time angry and all I can do is lay here and die. I'm dying. I don't want to. I want to run outside with the boys. I want to give Maggie away when she gets married. I want to spend every Christmas with you. I want that so bad it's worse than just dying. Knowing what I'm leaving behind. Maybe I'm so fucking selfish it makes me blind and I can't do right for trying- but I hated that I am losing so much. It makes me crazy. I let him touch me Jensen- so maybe... maybe you wouldn't want me anymore. I could make it... like I...wasn't anything. Really wasn't anything any more. You'd know you were better off... and then... with Jeff... you could be happy again..."

 

Jensen dropped the blankets he had been holding, his arms just slack. He stared at Jared and shook his head silently, but his husband was still crying and talking, saying things Jensen was having merry hell wrapping his mind around.

 

"I know about Jeff. I wasn't ever going to say anything. I don't want you thinking it's bad or I hold it against you. You should have someone, Jensen. You've been so good to me. I want what's best for you more than anything else. I never felt safer than I did with you. No one ever loved me like you did. You showed me it was okay to be myself and be in love. I didn't know I could even love somebody the way I love you. You just gave me the world. Taught me how to stand up for myself. I haven't forgotten. I remember it all, I'll never forget it. I will love you...forever... and I wish...I could've been worth all you gave me."

 

Jensen wiped his forearm across his eyes to clear them, hardly able to see as he walked to the bed.Going onto the mattress, he was on his knees. He looked at Jared incredulously.

 

"Jared."

 

Crying, Jared gave Jensen a questioning look.

 

"What are you talking about? You know about Jeff. What does that mean?"

 

Frowning, Jared twitched his shoulders in a tiny shrug. 

 

"I know you've been seeing him again."

 

"What?"

 

Jared saw the sincere confusion in Jensen's eyes and thought he had said way too much. How could he be so wrong?

 

"I thought... I thought you were... with Jeff..."

 

"Morgan. Jeff Morgan?"

 

"Yes."

 

"How...I mean...why..." Jensen rubbed his hand over his face and shook his head. "Why would you think that? Jared. Jesus. I haven't ever cheated on you. Not one time. It has never happened. I never would. I never wanted anyone else once I saw you. You hear me? Just you."

 

When Jared sat in stunned silence, Jensen sat back on his heels. 

 

"You thought... you could break how I feel about you. Like you'd be something dirty...or wrong...and I could just wash my hands of you? That close enough, Jay?"

 

Feeling twisted sick, Jared nodded, eyes awash with pain and humiliation. It hurt to even answer. "I was crazy."

 

"Yeah, you were."

 

Jensen felt like the air was knocked from him. He just had trouble piecing his thoughts together bit by bit and realizing all Jared had been wrestling with internally, emotionally. He was just totally thrown. He was so shocked by all Jared had said that he was not processing it swiftly. It was so much to take in.

 

"Could you... could you ever forgive me, Jensen? I shouldn't ask. I know I shouldn't ask."

 

Sliding off the bed, Jensen looked at his husband and then sighed deeply.

 

"I don't know what I think. That's all I got. I don't know my own head right now."

 

Jared lifted his eyes to Jensen's.

 

"I am so sorry. I wish I could take it all back."

 

"I need some time, Jared. I need to think."

 

"I'm trying not to make it harder-"

 

"It's going to be hard. That's a done deal." Jensen bit into his lower lip and then he reached out to his husband, briefly touching Jared's jawline. "I... I'm not going to leave you. I don't want you going either. I don't know what we're doing, but I don't think it'd do either of us any good to just throw it all away. We're worth more than that." Clearing his throat when his voice went to a scratching wreck, Jensen swallowed tightly. "I still love you. You know that, right?"

 

"You don't have to tell me. I don't deserve-"

 

"Jared. Stop." With a low hiss, Jensen ran a hand through his hair, looking down to his spouse in a mix of wants. He wanted to hold Jared. He wanted to shake him and demand to know what had gone on with Drew. He wanted to know why Jared had fixated on Jeff Morgan. It was enough to make his head spin. "You aren't... less than my husband. My mate. You deserve the good you get out of life, damn it. I just can't decide how I feel. I won't lie about it. I wanted to shoot him right between the eyes."

 

"I know." Jared slowly lay back to the bed and looked pensive. "What about me? Did you want to shoot *me*?"

 

"No." Lifting the blankets from the floor, Jensen turned and started for the door. "I wanted to be all over you until you didn't have anyone else's scent on you but mine..."

 

Shocked at the curt admission, Jared was silent when Jensen softly closed the door after leaving him.

 

XXX

 

The next few days, they were careful with each other. It was strange to Jared to have a Jensen that was polite to him but a little... diffident. Jensen did not give him scathing looks, but there was a distance there. Too much room between them and Jensen seemed to want it that way. He was kind to Jared, but Jared was finding it a hard pill to swallow. He would rather Jensen shove him to the wall and scream at him, rather than just nodding in passing or softly asking what Jared wanted for dinner. As confusing as this side of Jensen was, Jared was finding some strength he did not know he had. He made a point of coming down to the dining room to eat with his husband and children. He wanted to be a real, solid presence in the home and he was. He also wanted a moment with his husband where they weren't being so damned nice.

 

It was day five that Jared cornered Jensen in the laundry room. Maggie was with Samantha. The boys were at school. Jensen was just going to have to realize he was not going to kill with kindness here. He entered the smallish room just as Jensen was peeling off his t-shirt and throwing it into the washer. Jared's eyes ran over his husband's bared back and shoulders, watching the taut gold skin over muscle as Jensen reached up, pulling the bottle of Tide from the overhead shelf. So beautiful. Jensen was just... breathtaking and it was torture having him close but so far. Jared leaned to the doorway and his husband's eyes darted his way as Jared pulled the door shut with a click.

 

"What's wrong?"

 

Jensen asked the word faintly, not sure about what Jared might have to say. He had been so focused on keeping the peace in their house that Jensen wanted to keep it now. He just wanted to 'get by' until he knew what to do. It was not his way to solely blame Jared. But he could not bring himself to just be over it either. Not by a long shot. Now Jared was looking at him like he should know what was coming. He didn't have a clue.

 

"I want to talk to you."

 

The room seemed even tinier with them both in it and Jensen barely smiled before he turned to add the fabric softener to the load of clothes he was doing.

 

"So talk."

 

Licking over his lips, Jared nodded shortly and decided he just had to go there and say what he was going to say. The festering was not going to make anything change for the better.

 

"It was a blowjob."

 

The words made Jensen start and he almost dropped the Downy before placing it slowly back to its place on the ledge. He turned to look at Jared, eyes wide and then narrowed.

 

"Why are you telling me this?"

 

"Because I think it does matter. I think you want to know without me telling you, and it can't work that way. You want to know but you hate to hear it. I don't like saying it. Or admitting it- but I can't have you as a damned roommate, Jen. I don't want you sleeping on the couch every night until the boys are used to us having separate rooms and you never ever trust me again. Is that what's coming? We're going to be celibate and just pretend we're married?"

 

Slamming down the lid of the washing machine, Jensen grimaced and started the wash cycle with a hard turn of the knob. He knew Jared was a little right, but it didn't make it any easier to hear. He did not look at his husband as he whispered, "That was it? He blew you? Just the once?"

 

"Just the once, and that was it."

 

Jared nervously rubbed over the back of his neck, feeling the prickling of his hair growing back in places. He avidly watched Jensen for any sign that this was either going to blow up in his face or the silent treatment was coming in like a cold front. He had never considered being inside of Drew or letting Drew inside of him. He just made a huge mistake and now he was laying it out for Jensen the best way he knew how, scared to death it was all wrong. That it might make Jensen despise him.

 

Gripping the sides of the chugging washing machine, Jensen took a slow deep breath and then let it go. 

 

"What do you want from me, Jared?"

 

"I just want you. You. All of you."

 

Jensen closed his eyes, his head lowered as he heard the faint admission from the man he loved. The man that had betrayed him and his trust right to the bone. He licked over his lips and turned back to Jared's pleading hazel eyes.

 

"I need some time. I can't just snap back. Don't corner me on this. Don't make it something I have to say right now or I'm not sure what I'll say."

 

"Will you come back to our bed at least? Just... please? I want you there with me."

 

"Not yet."

 

"Jen-"

 

"I said no."

 

Jensen moved to stand just before Jared and then gently cupped his shoulder and pushed him aside to leave the room.

 

Standing alone in the warm and sweet-smelling laundry room, Jared wondered if he had guessed wrong on how to handle this.

 

XXX

 

Asleep on the sofa, Jensen heard the creaking on the stairs right before a sliver of light moved over him. Jared was opening the door to the living room and whispered shakily.

 

"Jen?"

 

Pushing himself up, Jensen scrubbed over his blurry eyes. "What? You okay?"

 

Jared held the phone in his hand and shook his head.

 

"It's Jeff on the phone. He won't tell me what's wrong. Wants to talk to you."

 

Jensen took the phone and croaked his words. "Jeff? What's up?"

 

"Jensen, I think I killed him."

 

Jeff Padalecki sounded panicky and yet the words were definitive. Jensen was instantly on edge, wondering what the hell was going on.

 

"What?" Jensen was wide awake now, reaching over to turn on the lamp beside the couch. He shoved the blankets away and put his feet to the floor, sitting up fully. "Jeff, who are you talking about?"

 

Jeff's voice was soft when he responded.

 

"I was just so angry, Jensen. There was nothing I could do. I couldn't change things for Jared. That bastard hurt him so bad and nothing ever happened to him-"

 

"Jeff." Glancing swiftly to Jared and seeing his husband's questioning wide eyes, Jensen stood, heading for the foyer. He pulled on his shoes as he swiftly inquired. "Where the hell are you?"

 

"I'm at Curtis' place."

 

Fuck. Jensen wet his lips nervously and then spoke plainly. "Did you touch anything?"

 

"No...I didn't...it's obvious he's dead."

 

"You found him, you mean. You just found him dead."

 

Jensen held up a hand as Jared gripped the sleeve of his t-shirt and held on, scared to death over the half of the conversation he was hearing here.

 

"Yeah. He hung himself. He's dead, about two days dead I'm thinking."

 

Swamped with relief, Jensen let out the breath he had been holding.

 

"I'm calling it in. Don't touch anything. Don't call anyone else. Wait on the goddamned porch. You hear me?"

 

"Yes. I...yes."

 

"Don't answer any questions either. Not til I'm there."

 

"Alright."

 

Jensen disconnected the call and looked at Jared as he was pulling on his jacket. 

 

"Curtis hung himself. Jeff found him."

 

"Christ."

 

Jared sagged to the wall and held himself. He was feeling punch-drunk at hearing the news. He was about to say as much when Jensen pulled him close, into his arms. It was almost too much. Feeling the strong reassuring heat of his husband wrap around him. Holding him because he needed held and reassured. Jared pressed close and clung to Jensen, absorbing all he could. Jensen pulled away from him with some reluctance.

 

"I have to go. Jeff's waiting there. I need to see what's going on. Don't call anyone, Jay. It's going to be handled, but don't let it out yet."

 

"I won't. You calling Chris?"

 

"Yeah. I'll be home soon as I can. Tell you all I find out."

 

Jensen was almost out the door when Jared took his arm and pulled him back for a moment, kissing his lips softly and then letting go.

 

"I love you."

 

There was a heartbeat moment before Jensen nodded.

 

"I love you too. Try to get some sleep."

 

After Jensen was gone, Jared went back to the sofa that was still warm from his lover's body. He slept there, eventually, the phone tucked to his chest as he wondered over the way Jensen had held him. Like he was still someone afterall. They were still...something. There was still love. It had to be enough.

 

XXX

 

The scene at Curtis Padalecki's apartment was soon surrounded by yellow tape and flashing lights. Jensen had called in the discovered body and waited outside with Chris and Jeff Padalecki for the circus to start. Jensen made a point of keeping Jeff with him, beside him, making sure that Jeff didn't do or say anything stupidly impulsive to implicate himself. Curtis had commited suicide, that much was evident, but Jeff seemed to think he had been behind it. He did not seem sorry over Curtis being dead as much as worried that it might impact his profession. Jensen pulled his brother-in-law into the deserted alley next to the apartment building and spoke to him quietly. Soothing the other man.

 

"He strung himself up, Jeff. Coroner called it. Suicide. It's official. Don't go shooting your mouth off, alright? You didn't kill him."

 

"But I told him he should do it. I confronted him, Jensen. I wanted to shoot him myself...but I told him everyone knew... and that we were not going to stop telling everyone he ever met. I was going to make a case of it. Push him into ... something. I wanted this. I wanted him to die."

 

Jensen nodded and kept Jeff corralled the best he could as they spoke.

 

"That doesn't mean you killed anyone. Wanting and doing are two different things. He did this. You just wanted it. No shame in that. I wanted him dead a few times over and I'm not sorry he's cold now. But he did it, Jeff. Not you."

 

When Jeff started to reply, Chris was suddenly at Jensen's side, saying low. "Dalton's here. Brought the wife."

 

Grimly, Jensen nodded and walked back to the front of the apartment building where red and blue lights bathed them all in flashes. It was damned cold out but still, Jensen felt on fire seeing how Dalton started walking towards him like he had a score to settle. Chris crossed his arms over his chest as Dalton came Jensen's way and then the man shocked him by yelling at Jeff.

 

"You did this! You drove him to it! He called me after you went off on him. Told me the crazy shit you were saying!"

 

Jensen shoved Dalton back, staying between his father-in-law and brother-in-law, knowing they were drawing an audience already.

 

"Don't put your hands on him, Dalton. You want to be escorted home?"

 

"Fuck you to hell." Spitting the words, Dalton's red face deepened in color as he raged at Jensen. "You going to throw me off the property when my brother's in a body bag? You got another thing coming. I'll have your badge."

 

"You want my badge? I can take it off right now if you want it."

 

Susan grappled for Dalton's arm, looking wan and brittle in the new morning light just breaking. "Please. People are staring. Dalton, please."

 

Chris smiled then and it was so out of place that Jensen definitely took note. His best friend looked way too happy about being in a run down apartment complex, surrounded by family drama and curious bystanders.

 

"You know, the staring is only going to get worse, Susie."

 

"What the hell are you talking about?" Dalton demanded, not liking how the deputy was looking at him like he had a secret.

 

With a little shrug, Chris smoothly replied. "Just saying, what with Curtis' suicide note...and his journals? Pretty detail oriented. I mean, about what he did and why. What he was into. He had some real questionable materials on the premises. Man doesn't clean out his 'private collection' once he knows he don't have to answer for it. Now, I expect some of the tapes will be random children... but then there's the ones he put his own name on...shows his face in. But don't take on or get too upset, coz from what I saw...he only had glowing things to say about you two and how you let him do what he wanted with your son."

 

Reeling, Dalton took a half step back, Susan moving like a marionette to stay at his side. Curtis had revealed them like that? The sheriff's deputy was just looking at them like they were trash, and Jensen didn't look too happy either. Of course, Jensen would be worried about Jared's privacy, not theirs. Jared being abused would be on the sheriff's mind and everyone else could go hang.

 

Jeff's voice cut into the thick silence. "You can always leave town before it comes out. I expect you have a day, but not much more."

 

Dalton gave his eldest son a long glower before he turned back to Jensen. "Anything Curtis has is private property."

 

"Child pornography is illicit and illegal material. You had heard it was against the law to rape babies, right?" Jensen's drawl barely covered the hate in his voice. He nodded stiffly to Dalton. "The entire collection is going into evidence and then, if anything can be traced to proprietors or solicitors...they'll be prosecuted, to the full letter of the law."

 

Blanching of color, Dalton stonily nodded to his son-in-law. "I am sure you'll do all in *your* power to run my family name through the mud, but best you remember that includes Jared."

 

"No, no it sure doesn't. Jared's mine. He's an Ackles."

 

With a rude sound, Dalton stomped away, towing his wife after him. Once they had gone in a flash of their town car, Jensen sighed heavily and looked to Chris.

 

"Shit. I am not looking forward to going through whatever Curtis kept laying around."

 

For more reasons than one, Jensen's heart had dropped at Chris' news. It was going to gut him to see any evidence of Jared being hurt. A little boy being abused and molested, harmed by someone he trusted.

 

Chris' hand slapped Jensen's shoulder.

 

"Aw, hell, Jenny. I was making that up. We didn't find shit. Man kept his apartment clean. Probably kept it somewhere else."

 

Jeff and Jensen were both standing, mouths agape before Jeff coughed to the side, shocked. When he could, Jeff asked, "The suicide note?"

 

"Pure bullshit. But they ain't never going to know that, now are they? Good to light a fire under those two. Get them the hell outta Gatlin."

 

Jensen could not help himself. He hugged his deputy good and hard before he smiled his first real smile in a while.

 

"You are a sociopath, Kane."

 

"Thank you, thank you...I'll be here all week."

 

Jensen could not help his grin before he asked. "You got this if I take off? I want to take Jeff home and then get back to Jared."

 

"I got it." Chris assured him. "All that's left is telling the manager to lock the doors up. That's good as done."

 

"Alright." Jensen nodded. "Let's get you home, Jeff. I expect you want to call Megan?"

 

"Yeah." Jeff realized, knowing he needed to do that. Their parents were leaving town in a hurry and Meg deserved to know what was going on. She deserved to know the truth.


	14. Chapter 14

He tried to go in quietly, imagining the kids and Jared sound asleep. It was coming onto seven a.m., and Jensen felt like he was running on fumes himself. It was enough to go right to his head, knowing Curtis was dead and Jared's parents were scared into running out of town. Like maybe the town should throw a parade, but then, the town didn't know what he knew. Some people would actually miss Dalton and Susan. Hell, they might even say something nice about Curtis 'passing on'. The town as a whole would remain oblivious to what had driven Curtis to suicide and the elder Padaleckis into moving- and that was as it should be. For Jared's sake, first off, because he felt more for Jared than he did Jeff and Meg. 

 

Naturally. All the same, he felt a little bad for Megan, since this was all going to come as a big shock to her. Jeff was going to tell her 'everything', and that was quite a lot.

 

Starting to take off his jacket, Jensen felt the tired ache of his shoulders and paused before he felt sure hands pulling his jacket the rest of the way off, and then his hoodie. Jared stood so close behind him that Jensen found himself holding his breath. He closed his eyes when Jared's hands closed over his shoulders and he was hugged from behind. Jared was so tall, it was impossible not to feel him from head to toe, flush body to body. Jensen caught his breath at the press of his husband's body to his own.

 

God, it felt good.

 

It was not the time to feel aroused. Just wasn't. So many things going on, and they weren't 'right' with each other yet- but Jensen's body didn't seem to care about details. He felt how Jared was holding him, their silence permeating the air around them, cocooning them, and he wanted to fuck Jared where he stood. Have something else take over his mind for at least a little while. He murmured Jared's name and his throat was being kissed, soft biting kisses down the sensitive skin. Jensen felt himself getting hard and turned in Jared's embrace, their eyes locking. He wanted Jared, as surely as the rain fell from the sky, but wanting was not enough to obliterate all the rest that weighed on his mind. He cupped Jared's face in his hands, imagining Jared gasping under him. It was havoc on his control, but Jensen reasserted himself. He took a step back and cleared his throat.

 

"We need to talk."

 

Jared's eyelashes dropped over his eyes and he canted his head, whispering huskily, "Alright."

 

Taking the initiative, Jensen walked into the living room and sat on the couch, realizing Jared had slept there. He waited for Jared to sit next to him before he spoke again.

 

"I need to tell you some stuff about...Curtis...and what happened. It was suicide, plain as day. I want you to know, there wasn't anything in the place that could cause you any heart-ache...but Chris... well he let your folks think otherwise."

 

Jensen told Jared about Chris' deception and the reaction it garnered from Dalton and Susan, watching Jared's face light up and a new smile break across his lips before he laughed. Really laughed.

 

"That's awesome. Chris is awesome. I am getting him a fruit basket or something."

 

Jared's pleasure made Jensen smile and their eyes caught again before Jensen nodded and looked away.

 

 

"There's more, Jay. What with your parents taking off and all, Jeff decided he couldn't just keep things from Megan, not now. So I expect he's over there right now... telling her all he thinks she needs to know. About Curtis and about...what he did to you. Why your folks are leaving town the way they are. Jeff wants her to understand."

 

Jensen's hand covered Jared's and he held there gently.

 

"I'm sorry, Jared, that it ever comes up. I'm sorry it ever happened, but there's good to this. There is some good. They can never do anything to you and that bastard's dead. I checked him myself."

 

 

Knowing that Megan was going to hear about his shame and secret was disconcerting, after all, the secrets had kept for so long. Jared wanted to give that matter his full attention, but he was wrapped up in Jensen and how he was being talked to and touched. Jensen was being so kind to him, sweet and nurturing. Like things had never changed. Jared wanted it to never end. He didn't want Jensen to withdraw from him again and go about his business. This time with his husband was golden to Jared and he wanted to say so, but feared breaking the bubble around them. He watched Jensen, wondering if he was being unfair to his husband still in drinking down his attention so thirstily. He just wanted Jensen so much that it killed him.

 

"Thank you. For going over to help Jeff. I know it's your job, but it was more than that."

 

"He's family."

 

Said so simply, Jared knew Jensen meant it just that way. Believed it. He grimaced at how he wanted to just roll over the top of his earnest husband and forestall all words by kissing Jensen. Hard. He had to take a few breaths to keep his calm. 

 

"It was still...it was good, Jen."

 

Jensen's eyes were heavy and he blinked sleepily to Jared. He was so tired that he was having trouble keeping his mind on track. His thoughts were veeing off in a few directions.

 

"I think I need to get to bed for a little bit, once the boys are off to school."

 

Jared noticed Jensen said 'bed', their bed, and he was looking raptly to Jensen's face, just asking, "Yeah?"

 

Thinking a moment, Jensen bit his lower lip. He frowned darkly as his eyes trailed over Jared's face.

 

"You could come up with me. If you wanted to."

 

Trying not to look too hopeful about it, Jared nodded. "Alright."

 

That was all that was said, but Jared was on edge getting the boys to eat their breakfast while Jensen was upstairs with Maggie. The baby was going to be with Samantha for the day since Jensen needed to crash and get some sleep. The way Jensen figured it, Jared needed his rest too, and Sam loved having Maggie. It was a chance for Jensen to get to talk to Sam about Jeff too and see how he was doing. 

 

While Jensen drove over to the daycare, he kept up a steady chat with Maggie, smiling to his little girl in the rear-view mirror as she waved her hands at every vehicle they passed. She had to be able to see out the windows or she was a cranky passenger. Cooing and chattering away, the baby was in a good mood when they reached Sam's. Jensen took her inside and saw Sam was looking a little tired herself. While lightly bouncing Maggie in his arms, Jensen kissed his sister-in-law's cheek softly.

 

"Morning."

 

"Good morning."

 

Sam took Maggie with a sound reserved just for the adorable little girl, a smile beaming forth as she held her niece. She turned her attention back to Jensen, eyes concerned. "You sleep a wink?"

 

"Naw, not yet. But after I get back home I'm going to get some sleep, maybe go in late to work."

 

Jensen took Maggie's baby bag and sat it to the bright yellow counter top. He looked over the small cadre of toddlers that were having juice and cookies in the next room before asking, "How's Jeff doing?"

 

Sam frowned again and with her free hand swept back her hair behind one ear. She was not sure how to answer Jensen's question since it was a pretty layered response in her head. She had heard the rundown from Jeff after Jensen brought him home, and then Jeff had called Megan and Ricky to come over for a family chat. That was, as far as Sam knew, still in full swing, and Jeff was not happy. Not one bit. She saw Jensen's steady look and was not about to be the one to tell him what Meg had confessed to Jeff. Meg had told her elder brother what she had told Jared based on her suspicions and nothing more. Jensen's fidelity was not something Sam was going to question. She didn't want to dwell on it or play judge over Jared or Jensen either one. It just felt wrong to her. No, Sam didn't think now was the time or place. Patting softly over Maggie's back, she murmured to Jensen.

 

"He's doing alright, all things considered. Finding his uncle dead like that? It was a shock, but I don't think I'm far off saying it was a good shock, no matter how un-Christian I sound saying it. Just... there were some things Jeff and Meg had to talk about. Poor Ricky is feeling a little out of his depth in the room with them, least he seemed to be when I saw him before leaving for work."

 

Canting his head, Jensen could imagine Ricky might feel taken aback by all the family secrets swirling to the surface about now. Still, it was Ricky's family too now. You married into these things. He could tell Sam was choosing her words carefully, but there was a chance she was doing that because she was at work. Little ears all around. 

 

"You think I should stop in and check on them?"

 

"No, Jensen. I think they're going to be just fine if you go home and take a nap. You're about to drop as it is. Go on home. I'll bring Maggie by after we send the kids home. Just get some rest."

 

"Alright."

 

Jensen was too tired to really argue. He kissed Maggie's lips in a quick kiss that made her giggle before he was going back to his truck. Samantha had seemed upset but that could stem from a lot of things. He was not up for sorting it all out right this moment. He drove home and was heartily glad to park his truck and go inside his house. Jared was not downstairs when Jensen hung up his jacket, and he wondered if Jared was already asleep after all. Waiting for him in their bed. Right where he belonged. Jensen cast his eyes upward and felt a pull inside of him. Anticipating cuddling a warm, sleepy Jared, Jensen took the stairs three at a time and entered their bedroom to see Jared sitting up in bed, waiting for him. Their eyes met, a heat coursing over Jensen followed by a sort of shyness. Jared did not look...sleepy. Jared looked attentive and a little hungry. Stripping down to his boxers, Jensen pulled on a clean t-shirt before lying down next to his husband and feeling every inch of distance between them. Damning himself and his stubbornness, he whispered to Jared.

 

"I'm just sleeping up here."

 

"I know."

 

It was a coaxing response, Jared's voice soft and mellow. Jensen relaxed marginally, until Jared scooted over to him and hugged him from the side, one long arm winding around his waist. It took him a moment to ease his muscles when Jared was this close, feeling how tense his mate was as well. Jensen turned to face the wall, letting it slide that Jared snuggled to him, not admitting how much he wanted it and needed it. He just did not have the words for how he felt. He slept like the dead soon after, the rise and fall of his chest evening out. Jared watched his husband sleep, kissing the curve of Jensen's ear. Holding Jensen while he slept gave him a peace that nothing else could bring. Jensen was beside him. It was a step at least. Jensen wanted to be near to him, and maybe there was a chance they could mend what was broken.

 

XXX

 

Coming awake, Jensen realized he was in bed alone. He turned over onto his back and looked at the ceiling as he thought about Jared being there with him. He had wanted to make love to his husband, but his own doubts held him back. If Jared did not matter to him, then he could give into the urges of his body without a thought over consequences or what was for the best. But Jared mattered more than anything to him. More than his own life. Love had a way of complicating everything. 

 

He heard muffled voices downstairs and sat up, stretching before he got to his feet. He glanced at the bedside clock and noted it was just coming up on two p.m. The boys wouldn't be home for a little while yet, their bus dropping them off at around four.

 

Wandering down the stairs, he saw that Megan and Jeff were in the family room with Jared. The three siblings looked drawn and shared the same tense expression talking to each other. Jensen lounged in the doorway, rubbing over his bed-head as three sets of eyes turned his way.

 

"Everything okay?"

 

Jared was not sure how to answer. He had talked to Meg about Curtis, about their parents and then, at Jeff's insistence- they talked about Jeff Morgan. Because Meg had told Jeff her suspicions about Morgan and that had set his brother off. Jeff Padalecki was not buying it for a hot second that Jensen had cheated on Jared, but Megan was not budging. Since she was being so damned sure she knew what was going on, Jared had told her, point-blank, that he trusted Jensen. Just, his sister had it in her head that she knew what was truly happening and seemed determined for Jensen to be the bad guy here. Having a sleepy Jensen appear in the doorway was enough to make Jared shoot his sister a warning look. He stood to gesture for Jensen to come into the room, sit with him.

 

"Hey, you sleep good?"

 

"Like a rock."

 

Jensen noticed Meg was glaring at him while Jeff looked sheepish, and he had no clue what was going on. He walked over to sit down with Jared on the couch, wishing he had snagged a cup of coffee en route. 

 

"Something on your mind, Meg?"

 

Seeing her brothers both giving her strict looks, Megan scowled at Jensen. She decided it was going to come up eventually and since they were all there, it was best Jared have some support. Jensen was not going to just treat her brother like he was nothing and go blithely on his way.

 

"Yeah, as a matter of fact. I think it's time you told the truth, Jensen."

 

"Meg-"

 

"No, Jared. I'm not done yet." 

 

Meg kept her icy eyes on her brother-in-law.

 

"I know you were seeing Jeff Morgan. I talked to him on the phone while you were asleep in his bed. Yeah. I know what you were doing while Jared was in the hospital. My brothers don't want to believe it- or maybe they forgive you- but I don't think you're the fucking HERO here. I think you've been just fine with Jared being kept away so you could do whatever you wanted."

 

Beside him, Jared felt Jensen go rigid, sitting up as the words pelted him and his green eyes never left Megan's face. Not even once. There was no flush of shame, just the most alien stare Jared had ever seen on his husband's face. It was shock mixed with a fine, extreme anger. 

 

Jared reached over and put a hand to Jensen's arm, fingers curling to skin as he whispered, "Jen-"

 

Jensen did not pull away from Jared, he just looked at Megan and wondered if she had lost her mind. He glanced to Jeff and saw his brother-in-law was no happier about this than he was. At least there was that. He had to get his voice together before he addressed Meg and her accusations.

 

"You told Jared... that I was seeing Jeff?"

 

His question was soft, but Megan mistook that for guilt. "Yes, I did."

 

"You're lucky you're a woman."

 

Jensen said it plainly, his upset making him want to leave the room, leave the house, and put some space between himself and his sister-in-law. He shook his head and closed his eyes. His voice, when it came, was low and pained.

 

"What gave you the right, Megan? To slash away at my marriage with nothing but your goddamned imagination working overtime? What gave you the right? You think Jared doesn't have enough to worry about? Maybe you just have some hate on for me that I don't know about- but he's your brother. Your sick brother. You ever stop to think past just running your mouth?"

 

"Are you saying you weren't there? At Jeff Morgan's house? In the morning?"

 

Jared shook his head over his sister's tenacity, and whispered, "Jensen doesn't have to answer-"

 

"I never said SHIT to you about where I've been or what I've been doing." Jensen's voice was razor sharp. He bit into his lower lip hard, tasting blood. He tried to remember that she was his sister-in-law, family. Just because she was pushing his buttons- it didn't make her someone he would never have to talk to again. He tried calming himself down, finally saying, "I was there. But I never cheated on my husband. Jared knows that. What you think, all of a sudden, doesn't mean a damn to me. Believe whatever you want."

 

Jeff ran a hand over his face and struggled to think of what to say. "We are all under a lot of stress-"

 

"No, Jeff." Meg cut in. "Don't cover for him. I was not wrong for telling my brother the truth."

 

"What the fuck do you know about the truth?" Jensen asked, going to his feet. Jared stood next to him, but he did not quite register that fact. "I wouldn't ever go behind your back and make trouble for you and Ricky. You know that? Because I know it means something, being married and not having anyone try to tear that apart. Coming into my home, in front of my husband and saying these things? It's poison. I haven't ever done a thing but support you and Ricky both. Been your kin and cared about you like we were blood. You are just trying to distract yourself away from what's really scaring you. I get that. I made mistakes too. I make'em every day. I never said different. But this? There's no one in this world that means more to me than Jared. Not a body alive that I love more and I wouldn't ever do him that way. I am not saying this for your sake. I'm saying it for his. You can think whatever you want, with my blessings. All of a sudden I couldn't care less what you think of me."

 

Standing as well, Megan looked at her brother-in-law and demanded. "Why did you lie to Jared about where you were then? Why'd you go there at all in the middle of the night and sleep over? Don't act like it's not true."

 

Jeff worried when he saw the look in Jensen's eyes and how Jared was staying so close to his husband. Jensen was not going to smack Meg or anything, but he looked like he was at the end of his patience.

 

Turning his head, Jensen spoke to Jared as if they were alone.

 

"I'm going to go take a shower. Let me know when you decide what you want for dinner."

 

After that, Jensen left the room. Jared wanted to tell his husband a million things, but Jensen was fed up and that was that. Jared looked back to his sister and incredulously shook his head.

 

"Meg."

 

"Don't 'Meg' me, Jared. He didn't answer-"

 

"Because he doesn't have to." Jared said firmly. He rested his hands to his hips and straightened his shoulders. "Jensen is not going to keep repeating himself until you're convinced. Why he was there or what happened isn't what you thought. Or what you think. He didn't do anything."

 

"You can't know that." She argued.

 

"I do know it. Because he said so. He didn't have to say so in front of you and Jeff, but he did. This is still his roof, Meg. You're in his house, our house, and you can't be hurling accusations at him. It's not right. He told you the truth. You need to accept it."

 

"But Jared-"

 

"No." Jared took a deep breath and hung his head before looking back to his sister's defiant eyes. "Jensen doesn't have to give you an accounting. He doesn't owe you that. He is a good man. Better than you know. Please, I want you to just go for now. For me, just go. I need to talk to my husband."

 

She was set to argue that too, but Jeff was good at manhandling her out the door with apologies on the side to his little brother. Jared saw them out and then went upstairs to the master bath. He walked into the bathroom, the steam rolling around him. He knew Jensen knew he was there the second the door opened, but his husband kept on with his bathing like he was alone. Jared hugged himself and leaned to the sink while he watched the dim outline of Jensen's body behind the curtain.

 

"Jensen. I'm real sorry about downstairs. I never wanted you to hear all that."

 

Jensen's head lifted from the spray of water and he shrugged, shampooing his hair with both hands.

 

"Not your doin."

 

"No, but...still." Jared swallowed painfully and muttered. "If she knew the truth- I should have told her the truth. That I was the one that-"

 

Jensen pulled the curtain aside and speared Jared with a look before his features gentled and he shook his head.

 

"No, you don't need to do that. Not for anybody. That's our business, Jay. She wants to think of anything but being afraid for you and I get that. I do. I just don't like being accused of hurting you or lying to you."

 

Jared watched the suds and water running down Jensen's face and neck, over his chest and belly and had to jerk his eyes back to Jensen's.

"Um."

 

A smile curved Jensen's lips before he let the curtain go, moving back behind it.

"Like you said, 'um'."

 

Jensen rinsed his hair and then started soaping up his body.

 

"Jen?"

 

"Yeah?"

 

Jared tried to decide what to say, shifting from foot to foot.

 

"I'm sorry I told her that... you didn't tell me about staying at Jeff's."

 

There was a long pause before Jensen replied softly. 

"I had my reasons, but not because I was sleepin around."

 

"I know."

 

Jensen turned the water to a cooler temperature to rinse off, saying finally.

 

"I wasn't trying to hide from you that I'd talked to him."

 

"Okay."

 

The curtain rattled on its hooks as Jensen pushed it aside. He stepped out onto the bath mat and grabbed up a cream colored towel to rub the water from his skin while he was talking.

 

"This whole time, I didn't know you were worried about me like that. Like I was lookin around."

 

Jared blinked, trying to keep his mind on their conversation while Jensen was wet and naked. He wetted his lips, obviously staring before he huskily responded.

 

"It...I just felt like...if you were, I should try to understand. That's all."

 

Tugging on his jeans, Jensen made a little face and grunted. "You should try to understand? Seriously? That's bullshit. I mean... yeah, I mean that's bullshit. I don't plan on dating while I'm married, if it's all the same to you."

 

"Jen-"

 

"We're married. Married. There's nothing else, no one else, you understand me? Not for me. It's just you. Just you and me. I promised that when we were doing our vows. I swore myself to you."

 

Even as the words were half-muffled by Jensen's t-shirt as it was being pulled on, Jared went still and heard every word with desire for more. He blushed at how sincere and steadfast Jensen was. There was no 'give' to Jensen's tone, like he was laying down the law. Yes, he was a law-man, but there was more to it. Jared could not doubt how intent and direct his husband was. It occurred to him that if he wasn't Jensen's husband, he'd get turned on being ticketed by the man. His wandering thoughts were taking off on him again and it was doing nothing to hold up his side of their conversation. Jared redirected his mind and frowned at Jensen thoughtfully.

 

"I trust you. I'm sorry. Sorry you got up to that drama and then with the-"

 

Jensen cupped Jared's face in his hands and leaned in, kissing Jared's lips quick and soft.

 

"Not your fault. You don't have to apologize for what other people do." He pulled back, asking. "So about dinner?"

 

Flustered, Jared blushed and unglued his tongue. "Ah, um...your folks are coming by." He cleared his mind and saw Jensen's brow lifting in question. "Your mama said she's made dinner and you're eating it."

 

"Sounds like her standard 'howdy'." Jensen smiled and left the bathroom, walking into their bedroom. He opened the drawer of the dresser to root out a pair of socks. He sat to the end of the bed and put on his socks, seeing how Jared was watching him. "It'll be alright, Jay. It's going to be alright."

 

Wondering how Jensen could be so sure, Jared hugged himself and dropped his head, not sure what to say. It still surprised him when Jensen stood and came over to hold him. Hold him, like he had not been roasted on a spit downstairs by Megan and falsely accused. Jensen never defended himself at the expense of Jared and that kept going right through Jared. It never even occurred to Jensen to do so, and Jared knew that too. He held onto Jensen and buried his face to his husband's neck. Tears came slowly as he heard the low hum from Jensen, a sound that usually was reserved for their children when they needed comforting. Jared lifted his head to see his husband's face.

 

"I feel like I'm asking too much of you, Jen... like these days I'm always asking too much."

 

"There's no such thing." Jensen felt a little give in his heart and knew, Jared was still there taking up all the space, same as always. He might be hurting and feeling like he was living a strange dream, but Jared still had his heart like no one else ever had or could. "I'd give you anything. Always."

 

"Can you...forgive me? Really forgive me?" Shakily, Jared asked the words and his voice gave out.

 

Flinching from the pain in his husband's voice, Jensen's rough whisper seemed to come from miles away to his own ears. "Don't keep doing this to yourself. What's done is done. We're both here. We're both trying. Let it be, Jay. Just let it be. We'll work it out."

 

Jared wondered if that was supposed to be a 'maybe'.

 

XXX

 

That night, Jim and Donna Ackles arrived with covered dishes in tow. The twins were beside themselves in excitement as they saw their grandparents, bouncing all over the place in happiness. Maggie was her usual glowing self and took over Grandpa Ackles' lap for awhile as they gathered around the dinner table. As Donna was serving up food to uplifted plates, it was time for Jensen to hope his mother didn't notice anything was 'off' between himself and Jared. It was a hope that never stood a chance. Donna noticed how her son and son-in-law were so polite to each other but the teasing smiles and touches were absent. Jared kept looking at Jensen like he was waiting for a signal and Jensen was putting so much effort into being pleasant that no mother could miss such an anomaly.

 

Not that her boy was a sullen wreck without manners, but it was not like him to go overboard being 'sweet' usually. This Jensen was in careful mode, not wanting to show too much of himself or his thoughts. She was watching him well before he knew he was being studied. Across the table of good Southern food, fried chicken, whipped mashed potatoes and bacon-green beans, Donna was looking over her boy as he smiled at all the right times and talked cars with his Daddy. Jared was so quiet, but then, Jared was watching Jensen and looking like he was going without his husband. Like he was hungry and no amount of food was going to make a difference to his kind of starving. Donna served up some Mississippi Mud Cake and homemade icecream, making sure the twins didn't get so much they'd never go to bed before she poured coffee for the adults. Her husband, Jim, was telling Jensen about a Nova he was restoring, and Donna was pretty sure Jensen was not going to do any soul-talking with them on his own. Which meant he needed some guidance. 

 

"Jensen, why don't you come with me? I need some help washing up these dishes. Your Daddy can tell Jared and the boys about wanting to get horses again."

 

"Horses!?!" Caleb shrieked the word and Mac was right there with him, the twins converging on Jim like a chattering storm.

 

Donna smiled and gathered up plates while her son loaded up with the dishes of food needing put away. They were soon alone in the kitchen and she watched Jensen putting the food into Tupperware. Starting up a sink-ful of hot soapy water, Donna nodded her boy over.

 

"So you goin to tell me what's goin on, or do I need to use Chinese water torture on you?"

 

"Here I thought we were doing dishes."

 

Jensen grinned a little to his mother but saw one of her brows lift. His mother was every bit the spitfire redhead she had been the day she chased his daddy down across the football field and threatened to kick Jim's ass if he ever catcalled her again. Donna was used to having her way. Some might think Jensen took after his father in how stubborn and direct he could be. They'd be wrong. Jim was much more mild-mannered than his wife and second son. Donna was the one to watch out for. Jensen took a dry towel from the drawer and draped it over his arm as his mother started washing the glasses first. 

 

"We are doin dishes, but mostly, we're talkin about you until I'm blue in the face or you just give up. I got alllll night."

 

Taking the first glass, Jensen rinsed it in the side sink, before placing it in the strainer.

 

"Not much to talk about."

 

"Oh, I believe that. Try again. You want me to start guessin? What with all the commercials on t.v. about men and their problems, I expect I could start reccomendin things. Like those three hour pills..."

 

"Mom!" Jensen blushed and saw her grin before she cackled at his embarrassment. "It's nothing like that."

 

"So we're sayin there is somethin. Tell me."

 

Cheeks red, Jensen muttered that she was the devil and took the second glass to rinse.

 

"It's complicated. Personal."

 

"Okay. I think I can keep a secret. You know I've been married for a million years. I know when there's trouble. I can see it from miles off. You aren't goin to go talkin to anyone else, so you might as well let me help you. Otherwise you're goin to boil over like a lil teapot, same as always."

 

Sounding affronted, he responded. "I am not a little teapot."

 

"Course not. Whistle, whistle." Donna smiled and kept handing him dishes as they were chatting low. "So what's goin on, besides the things I already know about? You and Jared don't seem to know how to look at each other and I ain't never seen that before."

 

Eyes falling to the work of his hands, he tried to find a way to deflect her but nothing was coming to mind. He bit his inner cheek and then shook his head.

 

"Things happen, mom. Things just happen sometimes. Can't take it back. Just have to try to get past it."

 

"Past it... but not around it. Have to go through. That's the thing. You just try to ignore it and let me tell you, it stays right there lettin you drag it behind you like a weight, pickin up more dirt and blackness as you go along. Whatever it is, baby, you can't be tellin yourself you can ignore it away."

 

His hurt green eyes flashed to her warm blues before he looked back down.

 

"I don't feel like I can say what happened, not without it being unfair."

 

Unfair to Jared, Donna heard, even if Jensen left off the last part. If her son was solely at fault for whatever happened, she knew he would lay into himself like it was Judgement Day. He never pulled punches on himself, but he would shoulder quite a lot for Jared. She started washing the plates as she murmured to her boy.

 

"We don't want to be unfair. We'll work with what we got. I am assumin Jared did somethin to hurt your feelins pretty bad. You don't have to tell me I'm right. Just let's go from there. Baby, you know sometimes, we love people so much that we just forget there's ever a chance of it goin wrong on us. For even a moment. But it can happen. Lovin and bein loved does not make us or them perfect. There's still those flaws and hang-ups we all got to contend with. No one's above it. Right now, you boys sure are bein tested and stressed. There's no mistakin that, but don't you think for a second you're failin. Just knowin you love someone and want to be together is important. Knowin it's work to have a long life with another person? It's all part of it, Jensen. You aren't a kid any more. You are a grown man with a husband and a family and so much to worry about. But sometimes you need to just know how good you are doin. Let yourself have a little slack."

 

His teeth closed around his lower lip as he worried his mother was going to make him cry like a goddamned baby. He was quiet until the initial threat passed. She was, at least, not watching him with mom-eyes while he got himself together.

 

"I don't know what's wrong with me."

 

He stole a glance to his mother's face and saw how she looked at him with love and patience. She was waiting. He cleared his throat and shook his head.

 

"I think... no matter what he did, I made it happen. I should have been there, the way he needed me to be. I should have known better. Should have seen what he was doing, helped him. Can't just blame him like he was in his right mind. I don't know what's wrong with me. I failed. Now... I want to say so much and can't. Like I just lock up inside and it's too much. Best I can figure to do is wait. Just let it... come back together. I don't know how or what I'm doing... I can't get make it happen."

 

Donna saw the pain in her boy and wanted to just wrap him up in a hug, but that wouldn't be the same as talking this out. She took a deep breath and rocked her shoulder to his softly.

 

"Let me tell you something, baby. You know about the prayin mantis?" At his suddenly confused expression, she smiled a little and nodded. "The prayin mantis. Everyone talks about her, but I think I understand what is goin on with her. She meets someone that she clicks with and then takes him home. They have their good time and she just flat out panicks. She decides she don't want to hear him say one dumb thing or have to ever deal with him bein less than perfect, so she bites his head clean off. Now, as humans, we ain't got that alternative. We have to stay with each other and no one loses their head all the way. We lose it a little, sometimes, but we keep on goin. There's no sin in losin your head a little. There's no one that can honestly say they're perfect and never had a moment's weakness, because we all do. But what you need to remember, honey, is what's under all that static and noise you're workin through. What's the foundation? What're you wantin to get back down to? You told me the day you brought that boy to my house that he was the one you were goin to marry. Just like that. A year before you up and did it, you knew he was the one. He still the one?"

 

"Yes."

 

She nodded and gave him a frank stare.

 

"You still love him?"

 

"Yes."

 

"Then you think about this. Every time you been askin for a miracle lately, these days, what've you been askin for? What is it you've been wantin, Jensen Ross?"

 

"Jared. Alive. With me and the kids."

 

"And?"

 

Jensen blinked rapidly and pretended he had to concentrate to dry the plate in his hands.

 

"Loved. I never wanted more than to have him to love and be with. I thought I was going to die... I felt like I was dying this whole time."

 

"I know, baby. I've seen it."

 

Donna turned and hugged her son, holding him tight.

 

"But you're still here, Jen. He's still here. Don't you go not seein what you've got. If your wishes are comin true right in front of you, don't miss it, no matter how long it is. If he's still what you want most, don't cheat yourself by lettin all the other noise get in the way. You love him the way you need to love him."

 

A shudder ran over Jensen and he clung to his mother as she held him.

 

"I have these things...I need to say...but it's just... it's so much..."

 

"It's his to hear." Donna whispered and kept him in her arms. 

 

"But...it could hurt him."

 

"It's hurtin him that you're quiet." 

 

Donna smoothed the back of her hand to his cheek, feeling his tears on her skin.

 

"Part of bein strong, Jensen, is lettin someone be strong for you too. Lettin go enough to trust them to be as good to you as you want to be to them. He loves you so much. Let him love you. Don't go throwin away this time because you don't know what comes tomorrow. None of us ever know. We have to know the best moments of our lives don't come in a big chunk, they're sprinkled in between the every day things and surprises. It's like pannin for gold... it really is... but you have a good thing, baby. You know you do. Don't keep your husband on the outside."

 

Jensen nodded, eyes half closed as he processed what his mother was telling him. He would have to think about it, but once it had sunk in, he would know how to use what he learned. He was resourceful that way. He hugged his mother tightly.

 

"I love you."

 

"I love you too, teapot."

 

"Mom."

 

She kissed his cheeks and then his forehead.

 

"Oh, you were a cute lil teapot. I still remember the lil dance you did for that first grade play?"

 

"Ugh."

 

She grinned and patted his back, returning to the dishes.

"At least I didn't bring over my old home movies."

 

"Thank God."

 

"Maybe next time."

 

He grinned sideways to her but wasn't sure she was just teasing.

 

XXX

The next day...

 

God, not those pants. Sometimes, Jared wondered if Jensen dressed with the intention of distracting him from everything else. Jensen's jeans were the devil. The pair he had on today were dark blue except over the knees and one hip, where they looked worn, as if someone had gripped his hip so many times it faded the denim. Jared knew that the jeans had been tattered and ripped when Jensen bought them, but it didn't bother his imagination one bit. The jeans were painted on and lent themselves to dirty thoughts. Jared looked over his husband's groin and saw the jeans were a little threadier there too, just cupping Jensen. He lifted his coffee to his lips and listened as Jensen was talking on his phone, attention completely on his call. When Jensen turned back to the cabinet overhead, his arm lifted and his t-shirt went creeping up as well. Jared could see Jen was wearing black cotton boxers today, snug around his hips, really snug. The line of denim and then the black showed off the gleaming dark gold of his skin. It made Jared have to move in his chair.

 

Then Jen laughed. Not at Jared or to him, just that scratchy sweet sound rolling through the air before he was saying, "I got you, man. I understand. I think I can do that for you, considering the...circumstances. Move some stuff around on the schedule. No, no...really...I'm glad. I know it's tough stuff for you... but it's good too. You'll see."

 

When Jensen said his warm goodbyes and closed his phone, he saw Jared's interested look. He smiled to Jay, tucking his phone back into his pocket. "That was Chris. He's getting divorced. After a long damned time of not being happy."

 

"He's divorcing Josie?"

 

Jensen nodded, getting iced tea from the fridge. "Yep."

 

Mixed emotions rose in Jared and he frowned, not even sure what to say. His silence alerted Jensen. Jared was unaware of bright jade eyes resting on him. Jensen sat next to him at the table, elbows brushing.

 

"Jay? What's wrong?"

 

"Huh? Oh. Nothing. I was just thinking, is all." 

 

But that was not enough for Jensen, the look on his face said so. Jared moved uncomfortably under that gaze before he shrugged and admitted. "I just, I guess hearing you be happy about 'divorce' is freaking me out a little."

 

Jensen put down his tea and reached over to take Jared's hand that was not wrapped around his coffee mug. Jensen braided their fingers together.

 

"Baby? That's Chris' marriage. Or what he's had to pass off as a marriage. It's not you and me. Don't think that way. He's been miserable and made her miserable- for years now. You know he loves Steve. Hell, Josie knows he loves Steve- it's just been a downward slide for them. Now they can try to get themselves back together. Chris will be happier. That's all. It's not us."

 

"You promise?"

 

The whisper was tiny but strong. Jensen brought Jared's hand to his mouth and kissed the back of it, pressing that hand to his lips.

 

"I swear."

 

Tears touched Jared's eyes and he smiled tremulously. "I love you so much."

 

"I love you too." Jensen was torn on what to say, but made himself start talking anyway. "I was afraid, Jay. When you were in the hospital and it seemed you were getting worse. Like I kept asking myself, am I paying enough attention to this moment, because I have to be able to remember it perfectly, if it's all I got left. If this time was going to be the last of my time with you, I had to take it in and know it... but it was busting me right down the middle. There's no such thing as enough of you. No substitute. Nothing was going to make it better if there was life without you. I'm just being honest. It was making me want to tear the world apart until I found some miracle to save you..." He paused and got his bearings before he went on. "I started drinking. First, just to sleep and then, more than I should. I was drunk off my ass when I went to Jeff's. Now, thinking back on it, I think it was self preservation. Like maybe I wasn't safe to be on my own, and deep down I knew it. I knew I had to find someone else to just sit with me or I wasn't going to be alright. That's why I went to his place. Threw up and slept. That's all that happened. Just, when I came to see you the next day- there was no way in hell I wanted you knowing what a disgrace I felt I was being. That's why I didn't tell you about Jeff- because I wasn't telling you about the drinking. That's all, baby. That's all."

 

The curve of Jensen's shoulders while he was talking reverberated with the energy of his shame. Jared could read it like heat waves rising from black-top. Jensen was waiting for some cutting reprimand or agreement that he had done wrong. Jared leaned over and kissed his husband's lips softly.

 

"I'm sorry you were hurting like that...but I'm glad you stopped. For all of us, I'm glad."

 

Blushing with shame, Jensen nodded.

 

"I kept pushing things down and they were starting to gang up on me. I wish I'd done it better-"

 

"You did what you could. It's in the past now. That quick. It's done and over. Let's just... let's move on, Jen... It's all I want. Just us and our family. I want my husband in every way. I want you."

 

Jensen looked over Jared's face and read the need there. It gave Jared's cheeks a soft glow he had been missing. Licking over his lips, Jensen finally nodded to his husband.

 

"I have to go into work for awhile... there's no getting around it. What with Chris needing the night off."

"Jen..." Jared's hazel eyes gleamed as he bit at Jensen's ear and sucked the lobe hopefully. Jensen made a sound that had Jared wanting to rip his lover's jeans apart to get to him.

 

"I know. I'll try to get home early. Swear. I'll try to get home early."

 

It was not easy to talk with Jared nuzzling his neck and making those faint, pleading sounds. It was a struggle to get himself together and get out the door when he just wanted to fuck his husband and fall asleep sweaty. Jared did not let up on the 'eyes' either, and Jensen grumbled all the way to work.

 

Two hours later, Jensen heard the door to his office open and then Jared was coming in, locking the door at his back. Jensen's brows rose as he saw the determined look on his husband's face. 

 

"Jay?"

 

Jared walked over to the sheriff's desk and pushed Jensen back by his chair, sitting to the edge of his desk. With a careless hand, Jared shoved the paperwork off the desk and onto the floor. He maintained his eye contact with his shocked husband as he pulled off his jacket and then his t-shirt. Naked from the waist up, Jared reached down to Jensen's hip and tugged hard, pulling the cuffs from their clip on Jensen's holster.

 

"Sheriff." 

 

Jared smiled to his transfixed husband and twirled the cuffs on one finger, invitation blazing in his eyes. "I decided to bring your homework here...so you can get to it. Because I ain't waitin any more."

 

Jensen took the cuffs and clicked them open standing as he felt himself go hard all over. Jared was being so...direct and demanding. It was new, but it was not unwanted. He leaned into Jared and licked over his throat, burying a bite to the side of his long neck. So good and sweet. Always sweet, and now horny as hell. He could not ignore his needs or Jared's a moment more. Jensen took Jared's wrists in one hand and murmured, "You remember you asked for this."

 

"Yes, sir..."

 

The two soft words gave Jensen a dark shiver and he locked the cuffs onto Jared's wrists, to the small of his husband's back. The position showed off the planes of Jared's neck, chest and arms, making him look nearly ethereal. Not that it was much of a stretch, by Jensen's way of thinking. Jared was just that beautiful. He looked over his prize and pushed Jared back to reach for his jeans, unsnapping them and peeling them down eagerly lifting hips. 

 

"Commando...slut..."

 

Jensen smiled at the words he whispered to his chuckling husband, seeing the proud ruby curve of Jared's cock lifting to his belly. He could smell Jared's lust mingling with his own and it was enough to make his heart pound in his ears. 

 

"Want to see...you too..." Jared whispered, lifting his hips to rub himself shamelessly to Jensen's denimed hip, grinding the ridges of his cock to the rough cotton.

"You will. Before I'm done with you... you're going to see lots of me, Jay..."

 

Jared panted as Jensen took off his belt and then tugged open his jeans, pushing them down his hips, his boxers sliding with. He palmed his painfully erect shaft and jerked himself as he let Jared hunch into his side. Their mouths met and tangled, clashing and playing as they tongued and sucked at each other like they were rabid for the kiss. Jensen pressed Jared down under him, aligning their cocks in a shocking rasp. It felt so good that they were both losing their breath for more. 

 

Too long. It had been way too long since Jensen had had his beautiful husband spread out under him on his desk, fucking him deep and long. Trying to be quiet about it, usually not managing that feat of secrecy. Jared drove him crazy and seemed to like walking out of the sheriff's office with a damned limp in his swagger. He ate Jared's kiss and then scorched bites down his bound husband's shoulder and upper arm, finding a nipple to torment. Jensen mouthed Jared's tight nipples until they were swollen and too tender to even lick without Jared hissing and squirming.

 

"Shhh...got you...it's... not over yet, baby..."

 

Jared clenched his teeth at the hot-cold sensations sweeping over him. Jensen knew him so well. Knew every trick. There was no part of Jared that was not completely attentive to the man over him. He spread his knees further apart and groaned when Jensen pulled back on the nipple he was sucking until it slid from his teasing lips.

 

"Jen... c'mon...Jen... please..."

 

"Oh, we're sayin' please now?"

 

Jensen smiled wolfishly and reached down, pulling off Jared's sneakers and then his jeans, having him naked now. Naked and gleaming with heat. He kissed down Jared's belly and let the fullness of Jared's shaft paint his cheeks and then the roughness of his stubbled chin. He was basking in Jared's scent and want, seeing those cat-eyes go dilated and vibrant. 

 

"Good boy, so mannerly..." 

 

Jared whined in his throat and thrust to Jensen's curved lips, crying out at suddenly being sucked inside. He was trembling as Jensen worked him deep and wet. The world narrowed to the sharp point of his arousal and how Jensen was throwing him higher into want. Jensen's tongue was everywhere and never any place long enough to make him cum. Jared's hair grew wet with sweat as Jensen was lapping at his hole and balls like he never planned on doing anything else. Panting for breath, Jared threw his head back and a whimper left his parted lips.

 

"Jensen... please...God, please... fuck me... need you to fuck me..."

 

Jensen opened the side drawer of his desk and pulled out the bottle of lube there. He filled his palm with the dollop of Astroglide and slicked his cock good. He was shaking with effort to keep this paced and not just slam Jared through the desk and into the floor. Had to be controlled. He struggled to be slow and gentle easing into Jared, even if his husband was not making it easy on him, wriggling for more.

 

"Stop, Jay...stop...just a sec... let me..."

 

"Don't... stop...Jen... all the way... tight for you... want..."

 

Jensen was pressed deep inside of Jared and panting hot puffs of air to his husband's throat as he pulled back slow. The thrusts were making them both swear and gasp, joined like they had never done anything but this. Could not have stopped if they had to. Jensen was glazed with his sweat and Jared's, their skin sticking and wet as they moved together. Hearing a sound of pain from Jared, Jensen pulled him up and sank back to the desk chair at the same time. Jared slid down his full length, the strain taken from his arms somewhat. Jensen was rocking up into him and there was nothing but the pleasure they were building. The pressure of their orgasms became a storm that battled from them and crackled the air they breathed. 

 

"Close, close...Jen... cum in me...cum in me...want to feel you shootin off..."

 

"Yeah...God...yeah... it's yours, all yours... every ...drop..."

 

Jared cried out when Jensen's hands clamped hard and biting to the cheeks of his ass, those final lunges of his shaft telling how bad he needed this. The bruising grip and the sight of Jensen's eyes closing in climax drove Jared past his limits. He came hot and fast to Jensen's stomach and chest, his own body filled with wet heat. He barely knew it when Jensen unlocked the cuffs, just falling to his husband fully. They were both a mess, and neither one could manage to care.

 

It took a few dizzy-happy minutes before Jared whispered, "I let Sam watch the kids. I wanted to come get some."

 

The rumbly whisper made Jensen laugh and he hugged Jared hard. "I fucking love you."

 

Jared pushed back from lounging on Jensen and looked to his husband's face. He cupped Jensen's face in his hands and softly kissed those love-swollen lips.

 

"I love you too. Always loving you. Falling for you. It just keeps happening."

 

A shade of remorse touched Jensen's eyes and he felt his heart turn over.

 

"I keep falling for you too."

 

Jared didn't say so, but he felt relief rush through him so keen and pure that he wondered if he was feeling better lately because he had Jensen. Because he knew he had Jensen and that was not going to change. Maybe the love of his husband was what made him feel stronger, but he wasn't going to say that. Because if it was just a 'good spell' he didn't want Jensen to rake himself over the coals for not having a miracle up his sleeve.

 

XXX

 

Jeff Padalecki was sure he was right, but he did not want to overwhelm his brother. He was not going to just spring the news on Jared. Jared had been through so damned much. Not the least of which was the obvious strain in his marriage and the toll on his body and spirit from his cancer. Jeff wanted to know he was not building Jared up for a fall, so when he read over Jared's test results- Jeff showed his findings to Dr. Behr and they both agreed to hold off on making any announcements. They were not going to give out false hope alongside the cocktail of medications Jared had to take. They both loved and cared about Jared too much - and Jensen as well, to put them through the hard fall if they were wrong. Or if the cell counts were a fluke. There was a chance that Jared was showing some progress but that it could drop again, his health taking another turn for the worse.

 

Jeff forced himself to wait a month, watching with a silent pleading in his heart that the results become more concrete. He wanted to see true improvement in Jared's blood work and general health before he said a word. Jason was just as acutely attentive, and between the two of them, they knew after the month's waiting had passed, Jared's results were conclusive. Despite his odds and the threat that had invaded his body, Jared was going to live. He was going to heal and live.

 

It nearly made Jeff weak with relief and thanks-giving. He had prayed in his heart for his brother, for Jared's life and happiness, but he had never known if anyone was listening. He hugged Jason right there in his office and was just as tightly embraced. The doctors had both known how Jared teetered on that dark edge, and now he was coming back to them, and it was like a miracle. Jeff left his office and went to the sheriff's office first of all. He wanted to tell Jensen himself. He wanted to let Jensen be the one to break the good news to Jared. After all the bad news his brother and brother-in-law had weathered together, Jeff felt it was 'right' for Jensen get to say something wonderful to Jared. Give them a fucking break, he thought inwardly.

 

It hurt his heart to see the worried looks that came his way when he entered the sheriff's office and he kept his face blank as he stopped by the front desk and asked to see the sheriff. Jeff was led back to Jensen's office without a moment's wait and then the young deputy was rapping at the door before Jensen's gruff voice called out.

 

"Come on in."

 

Jeff went into the office and saw how swiftly Jensen came to his feet as he saw who it was. 

 

"Jensen- it's alright."

 

Holding up the file in his hands, Jeff smiled in a mix of sadness and joy to his brother-in-law, saying softly. "It's better than alright."

 

He spent the next half hour explaining the test results to Jensen, reassuring him that it was real. That Jared was recuperating. Slowly but surely, Jared's body had began to rally and stage a defense. He could come back to them, one hundred percent, given time and support. Jeff understood when Jensen had to cover his face with one hand, not able to stop the tears that fell from his eyes. Jeff hugged Jensen and nodded.

 

"I wanted you to be able to tell Jared. I thought it would be best."


	15. Chapter 15

"As I live and breathe, someone is feeling stubborn today."

 

Jared smiled to Missouri and saw her caving even as she was tsk-ing at him. She handed Maggie over to him and put her hands to her hips as he walked into the bathroom with his baby.

 

"I'm going to be right in the next room, Jared. You get tired or need a thing-"

 

"I know, Auntie M. I get it. I'll scream if I need anything."

 

He was going to give Maggie her bath and then lay with her and take a nap. He could do that much. He wanted to be the one tending to his kids again, no matter how much time he might not have. It was crucial. It gave him a handhold in his life. Made him still a part of things. Making the boys breakfast, helping with dinner, taking care of the baby? He needed these things. Besides, Maggie loved taking baths, unlike her brothers. The infant would go peacefully. He listened to Missouri going to sit and called out. "Love you."

 

"Love you too."

 

Missouri could not keep from being happy that Jared was taking back some things he had been missing doing. In her eyes, it was a good sign. Him being stubborn again was a light in the world shining brighter. It made her happy to hear him sassing her, and her laugh was rich. In the bathroom, Jared winked to Maggie as he stripped off the little girl's clothes.

 

"You see that, baby girl? Don't you forget it. It's all in the eyes."

 

Maggie smiled up to her Papa and babbled around her spit-wet fist as she kicked her legs, talking about all sorts of things, he was sure. Jared tested the water and then lowered her into her baby tub inside the main bathtub. He loved how big her eyes would get when she first felt the water, her plump cheeks dimpled as she cooed at him. Then the splashing started and he was getting as wet as his daughter. He lathered his hands and gently washed her curls as she splashed away. He took his time giving her a bath, letting her play with her toys, even the devil duck that Chris had bought her. Jared thought it might be creepy to Maggie, but she loved it and gnawed on the horns with bright eyes. He was cupping his hands and rinsing her hair when the phone rang in the other room and he heard Missouri answering. 

 

Coming into the bathroom, Missouri noted the water on the floor, and all over Jared, as she said gently. "Jared? It's your sister."

 

After wiping one hand down the side of his jeans, he reached back for the phone. He might not be happy with Meg right now, but she was still his baby sister. "Meg?"

 

She was crying and he frowned, asking, "What's wrong?"

 

"I called Mom and Daddy. I told them what I know. I couldn't hold my tongue. I had to have it out with Mama. I told her how evil Curtis was and how horrible they were...how horrible they are."

 

He winced a little at the news and could imagine that his parents had blown a fuse. They didn't care for being questioned, judged or reprimanded, preferring to always be on the other side of such situations. He played with Maggie as he responded, "And?"

 

"They aren't coming back here. Mama thinks I found out from people talking. I didn't tell her different. I mean, Jeff doesn't deserve to have them screaming at him."

 

"Of course not."

 

"But Mama told me... she wants me to pay off the loan I owe her right now. Right now. I don't have it. Ricky and I don't. I mean, we were making payments just fine- but now she's mad that I told her I hate her-"

 

Jared frowned and knew his mother could make any given situation worse with her brand of emotional hysterics. His sister had some of the same traits, but he wasn't going to say that. Especially now. Megan had not really considered all the ways their mama could retaliate before she just dove right into an old fight. He wanted to tell his little sister to just breathe for a minute and let him think, but she was sobbing. He shook his head and sighed deeply. "Meg-"

 

"I could lose the house. I'm going to lose the house. It's not the biggest place, but it's our home. I have to tell Ricky and he's going to be so upset, and it's all my fault. I should have waited or maybe gone through the bank."

 

"Megan. Calm down." Looking down to Maggie, Jared saw how serious the infant appeared, her eyes to his face. He sighed and lifted his baby from her bath. "Look, Meg? I'll call you back in a few minutes. I need to put Maggie down for her nap, and then we're going to talk. Don't freak out."

 

"Can I come over?"

 

Jared paused and then, "Yeah. You can come over." He smiled faintly, eyes frankly concerned when he considered the state she was in. "Are you okay to drive?"

 

"Yes. I'll be over in a little bit. Thank you, Jared. Really, thank you. For talking to me, having me over and all. I know you're mad at me."

 

He could go into all that but decided it was quicker just to say he'd see her when she arrived. He hung up the phone and had Maggie settled as he told Missouri what was going on. Seeing the way she frowned, he looked chagrined.

 

"She's real upset, I couldn't tell her not to come over."

 

"Oh, no honey, I wasn't thinking you should. You want to be there for your sister, and you are. I mean, family's family. You do what you need to do. I just hope she is as caring as she needs to be. That's all. She's the baby of the family, but she's a young woman too now. She should remember you have a husband and children that mean a lot to you. She needs to be as considerate to you as you are to her."

 

"You think Jensen...will mind... her being here?" Jared frowned as he asked, afterall, Meg and Jensen had not traded a word since the fight.

 

Missouri considered it and what she knew of her nephew before she decided. "No, I don't think so. He might not be overjoyed to see her, but he's not one to send her running. You know that already or you'd have told her to stay away."

 

"Yeah." Agreeing, Jared nodded. He did know Jensen had a well of patience, even when sorely tested. Meg had hurt Jensen's feelings and angered him all at once. Jensen did not really talk about it, but Jared knew his husband thought about it. Wondered why it had come to that. In his own time, Jensen would want to have some answers and Jared understood.

 

You couldn't force Jensen into anything. Whatever was to come between Meg and his husband, it was yet to be decided. Jared did not want to put so much thought into it that he was stressing. He could not help some worrying, but if he worried too much it would just agitate Jensen on his behalf and make things worse.

 

Kinda nice to know that bad as things were, there was still the option of worse. It helped it not seem so bad.

 

XXX

 

Jensen arrived home as Megan's car was leaving the driveway and he glanced after her as he parked his truck. She gave him a tiny wave and he nodded shortly, thus ending their exchange. He walked up the pathway to the house and went inside, eager to see Jared. Just to see Jared. It had been a struggle not to speed across town to come find his husband and just blurt out what he knew in a rush. But he wanted to do this right and not ruin the magic of the moment. He could keep himself from yelling his news at passers-by. At least for a little bit longer. 

 

Going inside, he saw Jared was in the living room watching Judge Judy as he was cleaning up coffee cups from the table. Coffee cups surrounded by wadded up tissues marked with mascara. 

 

He took off his jacket and smiled as Jared suddenly noticed him and looked his way.

 

"Hey, baby."

 

Jared smiled at the low greeting and put the cups on a tray before walking over to hug Jensen tightly around his waist. Sneaking in a kiss, he grinned to his husband.

 

"You're home early. You here for me?"

 

Breathily laughing, Jensen ducked his head to the side, getting his ear away from Jared's tongue.

 

"Yep, but not for a nooner."

 

"Aw, can I change your mind, sheriff?"

 

"Not with Judge Judy in the background." Jensen replied and skated his palms up and down Jared's back. "Come outside with me?"

 

"Missouri's upstairs." Jared whispered.

 

"And I mean to talk..." Unable to help a quick grin, he took Jared's hand and led him outside to their large back porch. They had a porchswing tucked into the corner. Unpainted and gleaming with clear finish, the swing was a favorite place for the family. The boys liked to sit on the swing and pretend they were driving or in a boat. It was also a nice place for plotting, the twins found. Maggie liked being held there and rocked, the chains and wood making a soft creaking that was soothing and sweet. Jared had spent some good times on the swing making out with his husband and seeing how far they'd go on the porch before going inside to make use of their bed or, if they couldn't wait, the kitchen table. The very sturdy table.

 

Sitting to the swing, Jared watched as Jensen took off his boots and socks, bare feet going next to Jared's naked feet on the smooth wooden slats of the porch. It was a moment's time before Jensen was looking at him like he was the only thing in the world. There was that sweet pulling entrancement in Jensen's eyes that always made Jared feel like everything else was becoming white noise. He wondered what was happening as Jensen took his hand and held it so tightly and then gentled his hold.

 

"I wanted to come out here with you. Right here, this spot. For a reason."

 

Jared waited, having to tell himself to breathe. Jensen just had him like that. The scent of sun drenched honeysuckle and roses drifted to them on the breeze, fresh cut grass adding to the sweetness of the air.

 

Lashes flickering quick over his gaze, Jensen cleared his throat and resumed.

 

"This is where we're going to come and always remember as the place... that I told you you're getting better. This here spot... is where we'll be fifty years from now... together... thinking about how you never left."

 

Puzzled hazel eyes went wide and hopeful and then glossed over with tears before Jared could comprehend Jensen was serious. Not just dreaming aloud. Jensen meant every word, seeming so sure.

 

"Jen? I... how do you...?"

 

"Your brother came by. He wanted me to be the one to tell you. Your test results. Your cell counts and immune system... you're getting better, honey. They waited to make sure...not wanting to give us...false hope... and...it's true. You're going to be okay."

 

Jensen's voice was dropped and drug over emotions so strained it hurt, but the thread of pure joy was there, weaving like crystal through limestone. He watched the news take hold in Jared and understood. He had barely made sense himself when asking Jeff again and again if...

 

"Are you serious? Jen? It's true? You're sure?"

 

Jared asked the same things he had himself, and Jensen answered in the soft patient tone that he had been gifted with from his brother-in-law. He reached over to pull Jared more fully into his arms, holding him close. He kissed the silky cap of Jared's hair where it was growing back uneven but no less beautiful.

 

"I'm serious, baby. I wouldn't say this if I wasn't. You're beating it. You're so strong... and getting stronger."

 

Cheeks flushed with shocked pleasure, Jared clung to his husband and felt hitching sobs rock him. He had to hold onto Jensen, not trusting to let go. It was mindblowing. He did not want to cry, he tried not to- this was good news. The best news. It was better than every fantasy he had entertained where he wasn't sick at all. He had imagined scenarios where the doctors told him that it was a mistake on their part. He had almost despaired of dreaming past the real and now. His desire to stay with his husband and children had felt like a lifeline that would also be the hardest part of himself to have cut away. Naturally. What he wanted most in the world would prove the hardest to be without or learn to let go of. He shook in his husband's arms, crying as the pent-up fears came out of him. He felt fragile and empowered at the same time. Renewed. He heard the back screen door click open and then heard Jensen whisper.

 

"He's okay. We're okay."

 

The door closed softly, and they were alone again. Jared knew Missouri had come to check on them, leaving them again at Jensen's reassurances. He rested his wet face to Jensen's shoulder and listened to his husband breathing. At last, he murmured to the skin of Jen's neck.

 

"It seems like a million years."

 

"Yeah."

 

Jensen could not refute that one bit. He felt like they had lived a whole other life within a life- but it wasn't ending. He would do it all over again if it meant coming out the other side and having Jared with him. What wouldn't he give? He kissed the salt of Jared's cheeks and over his bruised looking eyelids.

 

"I love you."

 

Jared smiled tremulously, hearing the power of the words and how irrevocable they were coming from his husband.

 

"I love you too. Can't seem to stop falling in love with you."

 

"Good."

 

They kissed and it was rainwater sweet, slow and gentle. Affirmation and peace.

 

A smile was radiating between them and it was no surprise to fall in love once more, when love showed them a new side of strength.

 

"Let's go tell the family."

 

The whisper came from Jared. He wanted to be able to tell his little boys that he wasn't going to die. He was not going to leave them. It had nearly killed him to tell the twins of his illness, but now...he had this gift. He had his life back.

 

Jensen nodded and stood, pulling Jared to his feet. He held Jared again and their eyes locked together. Jared bowed his head a second before whispering. 

 

"Is this a new start for us?"

 

"No." Jensen shook his head slightly and then tenderly explained. "It's not a new start, it's all our hard work... and everything we've put into us. You and me together... all that you've made me by being mine...all you make me want to be because I'm yours. I would never have known how good life could be except for you. I wouldn't know...tomorrow, how it's a miracle to wake up with you and play with our kids...see you laugh... fold laundry with you. All the little things that come along and we don't know right then how special it is... until maybe we don't have it anymore. Now I know. I know more than I ever did before. I get to live my life with you. We don't always have it easy...but we have each other... and this..." He touched over Jared's chest and then his own, feeling that bond between them tighten like a touch. "If we hadn't had this scare...maybe I would never have known how to see what a gift I've got in you. Can't take it for granted-"

 

"You never did." Came the whisper, Jared wanting to defend Jensen even against so mild a statement.

 

"It's just human nature...to grow accustomed to things. We don't always remember how amazing we have it until we're without. Or maybe about to lose. You really want to hold on when you get it that you can lose. I can't live without you. I won't. You don't know..."

 

Jensen had to press his lips together hard and try to hold back his tears. He just could not quite walk away from the fear yet. It was still inside of him and making him want to take Jared and run. It was a little crazy, but since he knew it was a little crazy, he could keep himself in check.

 

"I just love you, Jay. I just love you like I just have to breathe to be alive."

 

The words had Jared bowing his head, feeling so close to his husband that he wanted to never forget a single second of this moment. The way Jensen looked at him and the things he shared. It was precious, it was their own.

 

"I was blessed too, you know. Having you. It's not one sided. You always stood up for me... but you were the first person that showed me how to stand up for myself too. I never learnt that before. I always wanted to just not make waves. Like I could be good enough to love if I just kept my head down and never messed up. You turned it all over...and you won't like me saying it... but... there were times, Jen...like I felt if... I was good enough for you to love me, I couldn't be all bad. I looked at you and kept waiting for the person you were supposed to be with to show up and tell me to start walking. For the longest time- I couldn't believe you wanted me. Just me. I was so scared. I did stupid things..."

 

Jensen kissed the words away and held Jared, shaking his head.

 

"Jay... you're mine. Everything about you is mine and I love you. Being strong isn't never falling down, it's crawling til you can get back up. It's reaching out to someone else when they need some help and doing it because you have the heart for it- not because you want anything back. You are my match. Made for me. I'd swear by it. I do swear by it. There were people around you that didn't know what precious was. They don't have the eyes to see. But I see you. I see you and it amazes me... a little more every day. I can't stop looking... and I never will."

 

"Jen?"

 

"Hm?"

 

"It just happened again."

 

"Me too, baby...to me too."

 

XXX

 

Three months later...

 

The Christmas lights were taken out of the garage early. Blinking happily in a rainbow of colors, the lights were strung over the back porch and patio, winding along the railings between the candles and tables laden with food and drink. Big tin tubs of ice held gleaming bottles of soda or beer and three grills were fired up and cooking steadily. If you could imagine the food, it was probably there, times three. Music played loud from a stereo tucked under the big oak tree in the backyard. There was no shortage of good spirits and hugs, it seemed the whole town had turned out to give their congratulations. The party to celebrate Jared's recovery was in full swing. He and Jensen had waited to announce to everyone that Jared was better, wanting to have some privacy first and not flood Jared with well wishes. Jared wanted some down time and space before telling the town he was in remission. It just seemed so huge to him that he feared saying it too soon and somehow jinxing himself. Eventually he came to trust that it was true. He was going to live. He was going to have Jensen and his children, his life. He had his life again. 

 

Strange, too, that his life now was even better than it had been before. The unity with his big brother was now cemented, he no longer had to deal with his parents- and Curtis? Well, in his darker moments, Jared like to think Curtis was slow roasting in hell. It wasn't the most Christian thing to think, but he didn't feel too bad about it. He had his health on the mend, and his husband was still in love with him. Protective as ever, but looking at him like he was the best thing since ...well since ever.

 

Jared was overwhelmed.

 

He hugged everyone that hugged him, a blur of faces going past while he tried to keep track of everyone- wanting to send thank you notes to all their guests. He had the impression Jensen was not nearly as concerned over thank you cards since his husband was paying more attention to him than to anyone that showed up for the barbeque. Jensen did not want Jared over-doing it or getting too tired from all the activity. He stayed by Jared's side like a patient, warm shadow, his hands falling to the small of Jared's back from time to time and making Jay blush in happiness. Jared promised to take it easy. He just could not go in and take a nap when all these people came over to say 'hello'. And bring dessert. He was wanting at least one bite of everything, for the sake of being polite, of course.

 

He had another piece of pineapple upside down cake and a cream soda with a sunrise of a smile, not sure he could ever eat too many sweets. He watched the twins chasing down Jamie and his girlfriend with waterguns, the crossfire catching a few unsuspecting guests. Jared might have hollered at the twins, but Jamie was the ringleader and they were all having a good time. Besides, water wouldn't kill anyone. He smiled and then glanced over when he heard his brother laughing. Chad and Sophia were cradling paper plates of food while chatting with Jared's brother and Sam.Jeff and Sam were all smiles tonight. Seeing his sister arrive with Ricky, he looked over to Jensen..

 

"Meg's here."

 

Jensen turned his eyes to his sister and brother in law, seeing them hugging Chad and Sophia, before nodding. "I'm going to get another hamburger. You want anything?"

 

Jared briefly shook his head 'no' and Jensen gave him a little smile and then went over to score a burger from Steve's grill. Jared's eyes trailed after Jensen and he wondered if he should go with him, talk to him- but then Meg was there and he was hugging her. She looked a little worried and nervous, pinched around the eyes. He gave her a tighter hug, whispering to her.

 

"He knew you were coming, Meg. You were invited."

 

She met her brother's understanding eyes and nodded a little. "Still... I need to talk to him."

 

"Maybe you should wait on that." Ricky suggested, not wanting to see Jensen upset today. He had already, himself, told Meg she was out of line with her accusations to Jensen, but that only did so much. His wife could be very headstrong and stubborn. Sorta like Jensen.

 

Jared half-smiled and then let her go. "If you want to talk to him, he doesn't bite. Just don't make things worse."

 

There was no teasing in Jared's tone and Meg got that clear as a bell. Jared was not made of infinite patience and he was not totally over her attacking his husband verbally. Jared took Maggie from Donna as the grandma handed over the baby, but his eyes stayed pointedly to his sister. Waiting. Megan nodded to Jared and went to intercept Jensen, but before she made it to her brother-in-law, she was stopped by other guests. It was harder than walking through molasses, trying to hurry up a conversation at a barbeque and she was stuck longer than she expected to be. She lost sight of Jensen in the mix, wandering as she looked for him in the collection of familiar faces.

 

By the time she found him, he was sitting by himself atop a picnic table at the back of the property. He looked up as she approached and nodded minimally. Smoothing her hands down the sides of her jeans, she walked over to her brother-in-law and asked, "This seat taken?"

 

Jensen shrugged and took a swallow of his longneck bottle. "Nope."

 

She sat next to him on the tabletop, her elbows going to her knees, hands wringing slowly together.

 

"Were you waiting for me?"

 

His eyes gleamed faintly as he looked at her. "Jared said you wanted to talk to me. Figured it'd be better without an audience."

 

"Yeah." She took a breath in before speaking again. "I wanted to say...I'm sorry. For the things I said to you. That day.. about-"

 

"I know what things you mean." His voice was low, but not menacing, or angry.

 

"The loan, Jensen. I wasn't expecting that. I thought Jared was going to ask Jeff and Sam about it. I never asked him...for you two to take it on like that..."

 

"Meg." He stopped her mid-sentence and reached over, his hand cool and damp from holding his Corona. He gave her hand a soft squeeze. "I did what I'd have done if we'd never fought. That was all. Same as I'd do tomorrow or a year ago. You're my family. You had a need and we could help you. That's all there was to it. You're Jared's sister and mine too. I take that to heart."

 

"But." Her eyes were giving up the fight and filling with tears. "I said those things."

 

"I know, but if you can't fight with family, what's the point?" Jensen barely smiled. Serious again, he shrugged. "I wasn't going to tell Jared we couldn't help you and Ricky. He asked if we could do it, afford it, I said yes. Not just for him, but for you two as well. We're kin. It's just how it works."

 

"I'm so sorry. I was sorry... way before you ever gave us the loan. I wanted you to know that. I just didn't think you'd want to talk to me."

 

"I didn't want to talk to you. Not right away. But, I guess I have a new lease on life. I have Jared and I can't fault the world for much of anything right now, least of all you. I am not carrying a grudge. I might get upset thinking about it... but it wasn't all just you. There was a lot that went into that blowout. We were all barely getting by... tired, sad...fucked up. Things happened."

 

Meg nodded and then whispered, "I want to tell you though, I don't know if you care to hear it, but I was wrong and I believe you never cheated on my brother. I believe you, and I'm sorry for what I said."

 

"Thank you." He met her watery eyes. "It does mean something. I want us to be okay again. I just want it over with and laid to rest. It's all water under the bridge, Meg."

 

"You forgive me?"

 

"Yep."

 

"Really?"

 

He grinned gently to her and slid an arm around her shoulders. 

 

"Three things you never say unless you mean them. 'I'm sorry', 'I love you' or 'I forgive you'. Just a good rule of thumb, and I mean it. We have too much to be happy about. I don't want it cutting us apart any more. I want to get on with the being happy, you know?"

 

She tearfully nodded and hugged him, getting a wonderful hug in return.

 

"Yes...I know, exactly what you mean."

 

Hearing a sharp whistle from a ways off, Jensen smiled and cocked a brow to Megan. 

 

"That's Steve's signal. Tom's here with the barbequed ribs and chicken."

 

Pushing off from the table, they raced like kids back to the rest of the party-goers.

 

XXX

 

Hearing the loud strains of Lynyrd Skynyrd, Jared smiled as he opened the freezer and pulled out a couple bags of ice. There was no end to people coming by. Hell, he'd even been happy to see Jeff Morgan, especially since Jeff brought a date. Some young guy that smiled a lot and had a nice body. Jared relaxed seeing the date. He was not perfect. He could still get jealous over his husband. Was that so bad? He shook his head at himself and carried the ice over to the cooler he had brought in to replenish.

 

Ghosting into the kitchen, Jensen watched as Jared lowered the bags of ice and his eyes were simmering when he saw how the condensation from the bags of ice made Jared's t-shirt cling to his chest, his nipples tight and hard. Jensen growled faintly and walked over as Jared was dumping the ice into the cooler. His arms slid around his husband's waist, one hand grabbing Jared's belt buckle and tugging suggestively.

 

"Hey there."

 

Jared chuckled at the whisper to his neck, gasping at the soft bite.

 

"Jensen...we got a ton of people outside..."

 

"Outside...and we're inside...just you and me..."

 

Jensen ground himself to Jared's tight ass and unsnapped his lover's buckle, undoing his belt as he murmured, "Table or bed? You only got so long to decide."

 

Cheeks red, Jared was not able to think of how to say no, not when he was being lifted and caressed through his boxers. His hips pushed to Jensen's hand while he murmured.

 

"Bed."

 

"Good choice... I don't want to fuck you and have peach cobbler get in your hair..."

 

Jared made a face at the image, laughing as he was herded up the stairs. His hair had been growing back, darker now than it had been before. Curlier. He was reassured that it was normal, expected- but it was still new to him. He did not have time to turn on the light before his back was hitting the bed. Like a sex-starved teenager, Jensen was stretching out over him, hands braced to the bed framing Jared's head. Their mouths met and it was sweet, intoxicating and then slick. Moaning, Jared opened his mouth for more, loving it when Jensen would use his tongue like that. Dipping in, lapping, taking his time to taste the kiss. A ragged sound trembled from Jared when his lips were being sucked at until they stung. 

 

"Jen...baby..."

 

"Shhh..." Jensen licked the salt and heat of Jared's throat, sucking a mark there just under his jaw as his husband bucked up to him, asking for more with his long lean body. 

 

"Let me get my pants off...least that..."

 

A chuckle left Jensen before he leaned back and looked down to Jared with searing eyes.

 

"You only ever get better...do you know that? Do you really know it?"

 

Jared pulled his shirt off and then answered. "I believe anything you tell me."

 

They kissed passionately and somewhere along the way, they lost their jeans but neither could have said when. Jared felt the sheets to his belly as he was slowly worked into a heat. Jensen's fingers, his tongue and those low words of want made Jared's blood boil. He took Jensen into himself with a shuddering moan that had him burying his face to his arm. He might have stayed with his face smothered but Jensen's hand came around, cupping his jaw, cradling his head. Being fucked and held at the same time, Jared came in a long hot rush of heat and bliss. Jensen's hand slid from his face to his hip, holding him possessively as the clenching of Jared's body made him lose control. Jensen gasped Jared's name to the damp skin of his back, kissing there softly before they moved apart. 

 

Lying in one another's arms, they were silent under the thundering of their hearts, catching their breath. They could hear the din outside, the party still going strong. 

 

In the aftermath of their lovemaking, Jared smiled sleepily to his husband and muttered. "Damn it. Now I'm tired."

 

"S'good...I told everyone I was coming in to take a nap with you."

 

Jensen pulled Jared tighter to his side and held him as he heard, "You did not."

 

"Mm."

 

"But the kids..."

 

"My mom is watching them. Said to tell you not to fret."

 

Jared could not help the burst of warmth and love that filled him up. His heart just felt like it was overflowing. He could have been embarrassed, because everyone had to know they were up here having sex- but really? He just felt so loved. Warm. Cherished. He closed his eyes, whispering.

 

"It just happened again, Jen."

 

"Good...love you too..."


End file.
